Covered Bridges-8.

Chapter 8

I’d like to say that John was the guy.

That guy that if you’re transgendered and straight you’ve been looking for, the guy that I guess that all girls are looking for and while john’s a really nice guy. Sweet and smart, soulful and artistic and just a really, really decent guy.

He’s not that guy.

He’s a good lover and he’s attentive and demanding both and he’s fun but I don’t know? It could be the fact that why there’s chemistry between us it’s like making supper or even a romantic meal he’s not the guy that takes my breath away.

And I know, I know that that person might actually not even exist out there for me but I’ve made my choices. I’m looking for that person. I want a life.

So all of that and the fact that I have a job waiting for me out on the west coast and still have places here in Canada that I really want to see is why I’m packing my bags.

John’s smiling and that’s sort of killing me really because he’s got this sad sweet smile going on while he’s putting tissue sheets over some of the paintings that he’s done while I was here and some of the ones that he wanted to give me and he’s carefully rolling them up and tubing them for me.

“You know that you could stay Haley.”

“I know that I could john but I couldn’t at the same time. I loved being here and it’s been one of the best times in my life living here with you and being your lover but….”

“But?”

“But this isn’t home. I like the city fine and its amazing and everything but it’s not home.”

“And Bridgeview some town out on the B.C. coast is?”

“I was raised in a small town John I want a small town life.”

“They might not accept you there.”

“I was very forthcoming with who I am when I applied for the job and was accepted.”

He sighed and gave me this long forlorn look. “You really have to go?”

“Yeah, I do it’s just something I have to do.”

With my things packed I let him drive me around one last time and I say a few goodbyes to some of his friends that I did like while I was here and found charming and then it’s to the Fed-Ex office to get all of the things that I don’t want to travel with shipped off to B.C. where I can pick all of it up when I get there.

He drives me to the Via-Rail station, that’s the passenger arm of the C.N. rail company and he see’s me off by sitting with me and we have two cones of soft ice cream while we wait for my train.

I’m still going to go all the way by train but it’s been less than the experience that I thought that’d it be, well at least coming out of the Maritimes it really left a lot to be desired.

We share a long, very long kiss together as my bags are being loaded and we’re attracting looks and smiles. Its Quebec….public displays of affection isn’t offending anyone’s eyes here.

Then I’m sitting at a reasonably nice seat and watching john smiling at me and gently waving goodbye to me and I don’t wave back but hold my hand to the glass like I am and just leave it there.

I’m crying.

Yeah, this was really a lot harder than I thought to leave and move on. John was special and I mean that there are not a lot of guys like that out there in the world and it was so tempting to stay and try it even if in my heart I knew that it wouldn’t be right for me.

Sigh…

There’s a few other passengers looking at me and there’s some concern there which is nice actually and I actually have a nice little spot of tea and some homemade really nice peach jam with these two older ladies Mildred and Harriet.

God bless them, these are those little old Canadian ladies that took their food on the train with them and are the first gals to come over and sit down beside you with a hug for a total stranger. Just because they see you hurting and it’s who they are and before you know it you’re getting a there…there dear that just is as warming as the hot tea they’re pouring you from a thermos.

I cry a bit and talk with them and tell them about starting over and just how much it hurt to find a really decent guy with meeting john but also getting these knowing smiles and knowing looks and just the kindness that you can actually find in this country.

We talk all the way until my stop at Ottawa. I hug them both and get their addresses so I can write them sometime and say that I’ll send the mine as soon as I’m settled down.

I get my travel bags and head through the station to the café they have across the street so I can start to look things up the first thing being a close place to here for renting a car.

I feel better; I think I’ll be here a few days at least really. I’ve never been here before and I’ve always wanted to actually check it out sometime.

It’s the capitol of my country.

No matter what Toronto thinks. (Grins.)

I get a room reserved for me at the Best Western mostly because it’s not that bad for prices and they almost always have a pool and a gym/workout area and I get a cab to the hotel and get things set up for my stay there I’m going for a five day stay and get them to rent me a car. Most good chains of places to stay have a deal with a car rental agency so I get a deal with them and with the hotel plus I use my CAA card which is actually really handy to have too.

The room’s nice and tonight since it’s still the same day that I left Quebec and John I’m just staying in. I end up ordering Chinese delivery from Wonton Mama which is a place I found listed online and they have some Japanese stuff there on the menu. So I order the Pad-Thai with just the tofu, some pork fried rice and a spider roll and a black dragon roll and a green dragon roll.

Yes I’m emotionally eating but it’s better than me slogging my way through s box of brownies and KFC and some ice cream which was a very real impulse for me.

I guess there’s always going to be part of me that’ll be fighting the weight battle and old habits. The take out is pretty pricy but I’m putting it on my credit card so I’ll really end up paying for it down the road instead of breaking the bank now.

I just sort of spend the night in my room after a long hot bath in a big fluffy robe covered in face cream eating take out Asian food and watching “A Walk to Remember.” on Pay per view and crying.

Stuffed emotional and full of rice and noodle carbs I drift off to sleep after burrowing deeply into the blankets like I’m going to hibernate.

I’m it hurts still and I’m really missing him in the empty bed but he’s worth the hurt. The good ones are worth the hurt of a break up. He was one of the good ones.

He just wasn’t “The one.”

God I’m lonely.
That deep down lonely.