Dreamer: Book 2. Part 10

By Tanya Allan

This part Copyright © 2012

This is the third chapter of the ‘new’ bit, written in response to those readers who requested it.

Philippa Stewart, international Movie Star and mother of two, continues to look back at her life. We are finally introduced to her husband, as he too harks back to the old days.

The police close the case, but she needs to return to the school so that door may be closed as well.

She faces her old friend, so past and present become clear. Her family seem to come to terms with her true nature, at least he mother does. Pippa now believes she has grown up, but finds that perhaps her future may not contain a certain Norwegian.

Find out what happens.... read on....

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Dreamer: Book 2. Part 10

As usual, the traffic was a nightmare getting to the railway station. In a land where there were almost more cars than people, I was often amazed that the city traffic moved at all. Hailing from rural Scotland where the main obstruction was the odd flock of sheep on the road (actually I jest, but you get my drift), I was not enamoured to sitting in traffic with two small children in the car.

Fortunately, I had given myself plenty of time, but needed every moment. As I pulled up in the parking/drop-off point, I saw a familiar figure wave and start heading our way.

“There’s Daddy!” exclaimed Sasha.

My heart leapt a little, as it always did when I saw him.

“Yes, there’s Daddy.”

“Do you think he’s got a present for us?” Toby asked, as his mercenary mind was already working well.

“He’s brought himself, isn’t that enough?” I asked.

Toby thought about it for a moment.

“I guess,” he said. He’d been hanging out with too many Americans, I thought to myself.

I got out of the car as my husband came over to me, smiling broadly.

“Hello you,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. I clung to him, painfully aware as to how much I’d missed him and how I adored being in his arms.

“You came back then?” I teased.

“Just to see the kids,” he said, grinning. “Seriously, how did it go?”

“Good. They think it should do well.”

“Excellent, so we can get back to a normal life again now?”

“Yup,” I said, kissing him.

He put his case in the trunk and opened the back door to make a fuss of the kids. I saw a cop approaching, so hurried him up, as the signs were very clear; we could only stay here for a moment.

However, his children were more important than a parking ticket, so he ignored my pleas. I groaned, as a parking ticket was not something I needed right now.
“Hey, aren’t you the movie star, Philippa Stewart?” the cop asked. He was n overweight man in his late thirties.

I smiled.

“Guilty as charged. I’m sorry, officer, I’ve just collected my husband, so we won’t be long.”

“Hey stay as long as you need. Can I get your autograph?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, groaning inside, but smiling on the outside.

He produced an unused parking ticket and turned it over, handing it to me with a pen.

“What’s your name?”

“David, but my friends call me Dave.”

I wrote, To Dave, on the event of him not giving me a parking ticket. Keep keeping the peace. Love - Philippa Stewart.

“Hey, that’s cool; thanks Miss Stewart,” he said, on reading what I wrote. “You have a good day, now, you hear!”

He wandered off, pleased with his prize. I looked round to see my husband regarding me with a smile.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing, just you. Remind me to always have you around to prevent getting tickets.”

“Come on, get in. We need to get back to feed these two.”

Once more we entered the rush-hour traffic and crawled along.

“How were things your end?” I asked.

“Very constructive; I’ve learned a lot. I’ll be glad to get back home, though,” he said.

“Me too. I love it here, but it’s not home, is it?”

He turned round and quizzed the kids on what they’d been doing. I knew that would keep them all busy until we got back to the house.

After supper, he produced a couple of small parcels from his bag and gave them to the children. As ever, they were books. Toby was an avid reader, while Sasha was getting there. She adored the pictures and so bed-time stories were a special time for us all. They already had toys galore, and we both felt that books contained so much more than the toys, particularly the electronic games that were becoming so popular.
I watched as he read one of the books to them both. They had separate rooms, but Toby sat on Sasha’s bed for story-time. Their father was a superb reader, putting on different voices for the characters and making all the right sound effects.

After prayers, they both settled down in their own beds and were soon asleep.

“Well done,” I said, “That was super.”

“You know, next to making love to my wife, reading to my children is my most favourite pastime.”

Later, after he’d enjoyed his favourite pastime, and I nestled in his arms, I felt complete once more.

“Pippa?” he murmured as I luxuriated in his closeness and maleness.

“Mmm?”

“Did you ever think we’d end up like this?”

I chuckled, as we often had this conversation.

“No, not in a million years, and you know it.”

“Do you remember the time, just after you went home to your parents and then you came back to me?”

“Of course.”

“What was going through your mind?”

I chuckled as I remembered.

“I was bloody terrified, that’s all I remember.”

“I still can’t believe you came back.”

“He made me do it,” I said.

“Who?”

“My Dad.”

“I’m so pleased he did. I was still surprised that you went back to your Viking, what was his name, Odin?”

I punched him gently on the arm.

“Oh Andy, you know he was called Thor, but it just wasn’t to be. We needed each other for a while, and then I suppose we just drifted apart.”

“And then you called me.”

“Yup, mad wasn’t I?”

“I was just so pleased to hear from you. It’s not every day one gets the hots for the boys who’d been your best friend for years.”

I looked up, into his eyes.

“I’m not a boy anymore, remember?”

“No; really? I hadn’t noticed,” he said, chuckling.

“When did you first get the hots for me?” I asked.

“I think it was the first time I saw you naked in Phil’s bed. I mean, in your bed.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly the circumstances or environment to think seriously about anything except panic.”

“So, when you saw me, you know, on that day Dad brought me back to school, what did you think then?”

“At first I couldn’t believe it was you. I was just getting out from biology and saw your dad’s car in front of the head’s house. At least I thought it was your car. I’d been in it enough times with you. Then you and your father were coming out and I watched your dad shake his hand. That’s when you saw me.”

* * *

The meeting with Mr Matheson, the headmaster, went well, considering. I didn’t say much at all, leaving my father to tell my story for me. He did it very well, particularly about the bit where I was found to have been intersexed all along. Though taking into account how drastically I’d changed in a very short space of time, I’m amazed just how easily people believed it. I suppose the truth was just too unbelievable to be acceptable to their logical and rational minds.

We’d turned up at about four o’clock, having made an appointment to see Mr Matheson. When he came to the door of his house, he stared at us for a moment, not recognising me. Then he recognised my father and gaped when he looked back at me.

“Ah, now I begin to understand,” he said. “Come in, please.”

He was patient and quite kind, once the facts were revealed to him. He had been pestered by the press, and due to the police involvement, the board of governors had been giving him a hard time. I think they were afraid that there might be a scandal involving bullying or something worse.

The press had been interested, but after the police announced the case was closed, some other unfortunate sex scandal took pole position for their attention and I was forgotten.

“I didn’t want to cause a scene, and knew that if I involved the medical profession, then things would get out of hand. I just wanted to disappear and live my new life without causing anyone any fuss. I never thought the police would get involved. I suppose I just panicked,” I said.

Clearly I was no longer suitable to remain as a pupil here, as I was now the wrong gender. My father and the head briefly discussed refunds of fees and such things, and then we were finished.

“Philippa, I’m sorry that things happened the way they did, for I’m sure that if you’d have come to us as soon as it happened, we might have been able to smooth things out considerably. I now fully understand why you acted as you did, and am grateful that you managed to keep under the radar as far as the press was concerned. I can only wish you well in your new life and hope that your chosen career brings you success. You will understand if we don’t actually broadcast that you were once one of ours. This society we live in can be very unforgiving to those who fail to conform to the idea of the norm.”

We then left to go to my residential house to collect my belongings. Not that I wanted the clothes any more. As we walked out the door, saying goodbye to the headmaster, I saw my old friend Andy cairn walk past. I smiled and waved at him.

He stopped and stared at me with his mouth open.

“Hi Andy, remember me?”

“Shit, you’re back!”

“Looks like it, but only to collect my stuff. I can’t stay,” I said, gesturing at my female shape. “For obvious reasons. Besides, I owe you twenty quid in any case.”

“Twenty quid?” he asked, dumbly.

“Don’t you remember, you gave it to me so I could get away?”

“I did?”

“Yes, dumbo, you did.”

He smiled then, and it warmed my heart. This guy was my best friend and had been for years, it was so good to see him again.

My dad, having said goodbye to Mr Matheson, turned and saw me with Andy. He had known Andy for as long as I had.

“Hello Andrew, do recognise your old friend?” he said, clearly uncomfortable.

“Hi, Mr Coates, oh yes, once met, never forgotten.”

“Ah, I remember, you helped Pippa escape, didn’t you?”

“Um, put like that, I suppose I did.”

“Come on,” I said, “We’re going to the house to collect my stuff now, so we’ll give you a lift.”

The headmaster must have called the housemaster by telephone, for he was waiting outside his front door when we pulled up. Normally boys went in the side entrance, but this time I was permitted to enter with my father through the housemaster’s front door.

Mr Walmsley was one of the geography masters as well as being the housemaster of our house. His wife seemed to have a succession of babies ever since I arrived four years ago, as they now had three. I have no idea whether she worked at one time, as far as I can remember she was either pregnant of pouching a pram, or both!

I neither liked, nor disliked the man. He had taught me geography in my junior years at the school, which was not one of my favourite subjects, so I rarely crossed paths with him. He was the housemaster, so as a prefect, we had a meeting with him once a week, but apart from that we left each other alone.

“Mr Coates, good to see you,” he said, greeting my dad. Then he looked at me, as Andy made good his escape, with me promising to give him a call sometime.

“Ah, um, gosh, the headmaster was right, you have changed. This is quite remarkable, but how would you like me to address you?” he asked.

“Philippa is fine,” I said.

“Right then, Philippa it is. Well, come in as I’m eager to hear your story..”

Rolling my eyes at my father, I followed him to his study. As we went, there, in the middle of the hall, were my trunk and several cardboard boxes containing all my clothes and personal effects. Even my posters, stereo and comfy chair were sitting there waiting for us to remove them. I was pleased that we had a large estate car.

“I’ll get some of the boys to help load your car later,” Mr Walmsley told my father.

Mrs Walmsley joined us with a tray of tea. They sat and drank tea with my father as I repeated my story, yet again. Only this time I gave the sanitised version, so left out the sex and Thor.

Half an hour later, with a car load of my stuff, my father and I set off for home.

“There, that wasn’t too bad, was it?”

“I suppose not,” I agreed.

“So, what next?”

“I ought to go back to Edinburgh. I have a job to get back to.”

“I’m not altogether happy with you stopping your education so close to A levels,” he said.

“I know, you’ve told me several times. Look dad, I’m not saying I’ll stop my education, I’m just coming out so I can sort my life out. It may be that this acting thing fails miserably, in which case I’ll come back with my tail between my legs and look for a college to finish what I started or something.”

“It’ll be harder to get back into it if you do it that way. I still think you ought to consider just finishing your course at a girls’ school, and then look at this acting thing.”

“No, dad, I appreciate your concerns, but I’ve made my mind up.”

He was quiet for a while, giving me the silent treatment. I knew he didn’t like being stood up to, so I let him stew, as I was not going to give in to him.

In the event, he said nothing else for the rest of the journey, but my mind was whizzing about like anything, so I didn’t really notice. For some reason, I kept thinking of Andy. I made a mental note to contact him as soon as I could.

On our arrival back home, I noticed that my mother was much better. Whatever pills the doctor had prescribed and she had stopped taking were no longer having an effect on her. She was thinking clearly and seemed far more like her old self, except, if anything, she seemed to be more caring towards me. Maybe she had always been but I had chosen not to notice.

I insisted that I must keep to my word to return to Edinburgh. To my surprise, my mother volunteered to drive to toe the station. My father started to object, but realised that it was futile.

“Okay, fine, run away again, just when your mother needs you,” he said in a petulant tone of voice.

“Dad, who’s being the child now? I have a job to go to and someone waiting for me, so I have so much to sort out. I’ll come back next weekend, I promise,” I said.

“Do you want to bring your boyfriend?” my mother asked.

I saw the look of horror on my father’s face.

“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea just yet,” I said.

It was late by the time my train got in at Waverley Station. I’d actually enjoyed the short trip, as it gave me time to collect my thoughts. My mum had been more than helpful by driving me to the railway Station. Before we’d gone very far, she offered to drive me all the way to Edinburgh. I think she wanted to see Thor.

“No thanks, mum, I might as well use the return ticket as I’ve already paid for it.”

She drove in silence for a while, obviously trying to think of questions she wanted to ask. When they came, they came thick and fast.

“Tell me, dear, did you really always want to be a girl?”

“For as long as I can remember.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“What would you have done?”

She shrugged.

“Hell, I don’t know, taken you to see a specialist, I suppose.”

“What kind of specialist?”

She looked at me sharply.

“Would you have taken me to see a gender specialist to help me change my gender? Or would you have taken me to a psychiatrist who you would have asked to put me straight?”

“Put like that, I suppose to the latter.”

“That’s why I never told you.”

“But they might have helped you,” she persisted.

“Helped me to do what? Your idea of help and mine would have been completely different. I’m a girl now, mum, but what you can’t seem to understand, inside me, I always have been. So no amount of counselling or psychiatric assistance would have changed that.”

“You might have been confused?”

“Mum, when you were young, did you know you were a girl?”

“Yes, of course, but I was one.”

“So was I. It was just my body lied.”

“Is this really what you want?” she asked.

“Absolutely. It’s what I always dreamed of, but knew would never happen. I tried to think of ways I could make it happen. I even looked at engineering an accident in the metal work shop at school, whereby I could sever my genitals and leave gender change as the only option left to the medical profession.”

“Oh, my God, you didn’t?”

“I did, but it was too risky.”

“I agree, you could have died.”

“It wasn’t that, the accident might not have been thorough enough and they could have saved my boy bits.”

“That’s awful, you might have been killed!”

“I thought about that a lot as well.”

“What, suicide?”

“Of course, when you’re trapped in a prison not of your own making, and there seems no way out, it is always an option to escape the unhappiness.”

“You were that unhappy?”

I thought about it for a moment.

“Yes, I was for most of the time. I tried to put it to the back of my mind. Sometimes I was successful when my mind was otherwise occupied, but when I stopped with time to think, it was always there. Night time was worst, as I spent most of it dreaming about being free.”

“Free; is that how you saw it?”

“Oh yes, I was trapped in a body as something I didn’t want to be. I had to conform to being what my body dictated as that was what was expected by everyone. It was awful. Not an hour in a day went past without me hoping that I could be a girl. It was even worse when I started getting bigger and stronger. I was turning into something I just didn’t want to be.”

“Were you, um, did you find other boys, um…?

“Was I attracted to other boys? No. I wasn’t a gay male. I was a girl trapped inside a boy’s body and so I just worked hard at being whatever everyone else decided was normal. At the end, as my body began to change into this, I started to see things from a different perspective. Even though I didn’t know what was happening, I started seeing life more as a girl. It was as if the male side of me started shrivelling up.”

“I don’t understand how this could happen.”

“Neither can I, but I don’t actually care, as I’m now exactly what I want to be.”

“If you could change back, and not feel you should be a girl, would you?”

“Why should I?”

“I’d like to know.”

“Then, no, even if I could change back, I wouldn’t. I’m finally the person I should have been. I wouldn’t change back even if you paid me a million pounds and I was never plagued by feeling trapped ever again. I don’t want to be a boy, don’t you understand?”

“No, frankly I don’t but then I suppose it’s not as important as you being happy,” she said with a funny smile.

“Look, I’m sorry this happened this way. I never meant anyone to get hurt. It was enough that I hurt ever single minute of every single day, but I was used to it. If I could go back in time, I might have been able to take away the feelings of being in the wrong body, but actually, I’m now happy so it’s just as well that time travel isn’t possible.”

She changed the subject then. We talked about my career path and what I hoped to achieve. The air was cleared somewhat, and we never went back to that subject again.

I arrived back at the flat late, to find Thor not there. I went round the corner to the pub in which he worked, to find him talking rather intimately to an attractive blonde girl in a very tight pair of jeans.

He appeared surprised and a little shocked to see me.

“Oh, Pippa, you came back?”

“Duh, I said I would, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but you were going to see your family.”

“Yes, and now I’ve seen them, I’ve come back.”

Appearing slightly embarrassed, he introduced me to Kara. The girl was another Norwegian, over as an exchange student and staying as an au pair with a family in Edinburgh until the college year started.

“Oh, how did you meet?” I asked her, aware that she had absolutely no idea who I was and how things were between me and Thor. Or should I say, how things were between me and Thor?

“I heard that there was this Norwegian working here, so I came to see him. He is nice, yes?”

It didn’t take an idiot to sense that the atmosphere was stilted and awkward; guessing that Kara was keen on Thor, (who could blame her, as he was a hunk) and Thor was keen on Kara. I regarded them for a moment and realised that in a very short time I had grown up a lot. I wasn’t in the mood to fight this woman for him. Either he came back to me and forgot her, or he didn’t. I found that I didn’t actually care as much as I thought I would. My attitude surprised and shocked me more than anything else.

Turning to Thor, I said, “I’m tired, as I’ve had a stressful couple of days. I’m going back to the flat. Don’t wake me up if I’m asleep when you come in.”

I turned and walked out, wondering if I would ever see him again.

Once more, I was surprised, for he came running after me. I had only gone a hundred yards when he came panting up behind me.

“Pippa, wait!” he said, grabbing my arm.

I looked at him, feeling remarkably calm.

“You get the wrong idea?”

“What idea is that then?” I asked.

“You think that me and Kara are, well, you think that we’re going behind you.”

“Are you?”

“No, we’re friends, that’s all.”

“Then that’s fine. Look, Thor, I’m not in the mood to have a fight over nothing, just make sure you tell me the truth, whatever happens, okay?” I said, gently removing my arm from his grip and walking off. He didn’t follow me and I didn’t turn round.

On returning to the flat, I felt remarkably at peace. I’d managed to deal with what I saw with calmness and a lack of emotion. It might well be they were just friends, but I know what I saw in her expression when she looked at him, and his smile to her said an awful lot as well. However, was I just being a little paranoid?

I found I didn’t care, and it scared me, as I thought he meant more to me than that. I tried to analyse my feelings and found that I still liked him and felt something towards him, but I now doubted that it was love. For a short time I had been very vulnerable and needed someone to bear the brunt of my self-doubt and self-worth. He’d been there for me when I needed him. I think I was there for him as well, so we filled a need in each other at the time.

Had that time passed and was I no longer in quite so much need?

I had no idea.

I went to bed, wondering whether I’d ever see him again.

As I drifted off to sleep, it was of my friend Andy that I thought.