Joan has a hard time coming to terms with the powers that be. With the help of family and friends she manages to get things straightened out for the time being. Sam does his best to make sure that Joan’s alright...

Chapter 14

Everything You Want

Tuesday morning; this was it. The day I’d been dreading for so long had finally arrived. Could I actually go through with this? I felt sick to my stomach. Mom, I can’t go to school today, I’m sick, I thought and laughed aloud. If only it were that easy. Surprisingly, Sam was already up and god knows where.

I made my way to the bathroom and took a quick shower. I stared intently into my own eyes through the rapidly fading mist of steam. I had to do this. There was no alternative. I pulled up my tight fitting jeans I reluctantly put on a sport shirt. I felt myself a coward. I needed to do just something to make my statement. I grabbed a pair of peds from the dresser drawer and put on my mary janes.

Makeup was not permitted, but who was going to notice some mascara? I made my hair as pretty as I knew how and stared again at my reflection. The sport shirt had to go. That was not who I was anymore. I pulled the floral tunic over my head and nodded in approval at my own reflection. I added a pair of outrageously large gold hoop earrings that I’d purchased from a boardwalk gift shop. This was me. I fussed with my hair a bit longer and headed down the stairs.

Walking into the kitchen I could smell coffee brewing and saw two bowls set up on the table with a box of cheerios next to them. "Joan! You look beautiful," Sam said as he grabbed me from behind and hugged me fiercely. I was reminded of the last time I’d dressed this way and never made it to school. That wasn’t going to happen today.

I had no note from Dr. Raspberry. I had nothing to prove that I wasn’t John anymore. Clearly I was going to have to answer to his name today. I was terrified. These kids all knew me as John Johnson, not as Joan Peters. How could I do this? Sam poured us both bowls of cereal and sat down with his glass of orange juice. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to him.

"Want to see who can eat it the fastest?" he asked and laughed. I laughed with him. I wasn’t up for any kind of contest, but just the way he said it took my mind off my troubles for a few moments. We finished up and headed to the front door. I grabbed my purse and away we went. There were no thoughts about turning back this morning. In a way I didn’t care anymore, yet the fear of the unknown gnawed at me. What would I do when I had to go to the bathroom? Was it safe to risk the boys’ room? Was it legal to use the girls’?

I guessed the answer to the former question was iffy and the answer to the second was simply "no." We arrived a few minutes early and stood outside with others waiting to gain admittance. Thankfully, Sam didn’t go running off in search of his friends. He stood beside me proudly and held my hand. I figured Sam had some concerns of his own. He’d never appeared feminine, but now with his hair so short, there’d be no mistaking his intentions with regard to choice of gender. I laughed as I realized many a successful female had close cropped hair. Still, on Sam it looked different.

I stared down at the letter in my hand telling me to report to room 107 after the first bell. The bell rang and it was time to go. I just wanted to run. Thus far no one had said anything to me. I took that as a good sign. It was the same old homeroom with a few new faces, and a few old ones missing. I sat there with a lump in my throat waiting for "John Johnson" to be called. Darla entered the room silently and took the seat right next to mine. She reached out and grabbed my hand tightly. When I gave in and looked over at her, she smiled at me warmly as if to say don’t worry you’ll get through this.

Finally Mr. Baum called out my former name. I reached back for my old voice and tried to answer him. It was gone forever. He called my name again and I muttered "here." It seemed it was the funniest thing these kids had heard in years. The room erupted in laughter. All the while Darla never let go of my hand. I’d have turned to vapor had she just let it drop.

"Mr. Johnson,?" he asked again quizzically? I just wanted to run. Darla squeezed my hand even tighter if that was possible. Maybe this had been a mistake? Maybe I just didn’t belong here anymore. My life had changed far too much to even think about turning back. Besides, I didn’t want to. I liked who I was now. I’d never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was really grateful that Darla was here with me., I only wished that Sam was here with me as well.

The class just kept laughing and I just wanted to die. "Mr. Johnson, please report to the principal’s office," he said. I sat there unable to move. "NOW!" he finished. I grabbed my purse and made my way for the door. I could tell that Darla wanted to join me. The look on my face told her that I had to fight this battle alone. I left the room to a crescendo of laughter and cat calls.

It would be so easy to just walk out the front door and never look back. Why would I even consider subjecting myself to this? The principal’s office was adjacent to the main exit. I stood in the hallway considering my options. Could I simply drop out of school? Hell, I was only fourteen. The law required those sixteen and under to remain in school. But, I was also a married, emancipated teen. Did that give me the right to simply tell them all to go bleep themselves?

I entered the main office and was told to take a seat by one of the secretaries. There was quite a collection of strange looking kids sitting there in the outer office. I recognized one of them: Brian McFee. He looked up at me as I took the vacant seat next to his own. He smiled at me.

"So, did you enjoy your summer JOHN?" he practically screamed, letting me know immediately that he had no doubt as to my identity. I studied him carefully. There was no look of torment or teasing in his eyes. He was just letting me know that he knew who I was. I smiled back at him by way of reply. I was about to say something more when his name was called and he got up and left. Had he been an ally? Or was he just another waiting for the scoop before starting off on a bashing session of his own?

It was after nine when I was finally summoned into the principal’s office. Mr. Qwerty told me to take a seat. Everyone made fun of him for his name. I wondered just how many times he’d been asked if his father invented the keyboard? "Mr. Johnson?" he began and looked at me not quite comprehending what he was seeing.

I opened my purse and removed my marriage license. I had no proof that I was now female, but the name on the license did indicate that I WAS Joan. Peters and not, John Johnson. I handed the document to him. How could Mom have left me to handle this on my own? In some strange way, I felt betrayed. "Mr. Johnson," he said again as his eyes scanned the document.

"Sir," I said as politely as I knew how, "I’m neither a John, nor a Johnson." He eyed me carefully and told me to just be quiet.

"I’m going to need to see one of your parents," he said addressing me.

"Sir," I tried again. I handed him the document that proved I was an emancipated teen. "As you can see from the documentation that I’ve provided you, the state recognizes me as being capable of making my own decisions. Anything you have to say, you can say to me directly." He seemed disappointed by my statement. He looked over my file again and didn’t know what to make of it.

Mr. Johnson," he tried one last time before I cut him off.

"Sir, the name is Joan… Joan Peters." I was angrier than I’d ever been. "Mr. Johnson doesn’t live here anymore. You may call me Ms. Peters," I said rather haughtily. He was getting angry himself. I could tell he wasn’t sure whether to give in to my demands or to hold his ground. I was at the point where I didn’t care either way.

"Very well, Ms. Peters." He sighed. A victory had been won. It was a small and insignificant one to be sure, but it was a victory nonetheless. "Ms. Peters, I’m going to need a letter from your Doctor telling me just who and what you are." I was both relieved and angered. Who and what I was? Indeed! Apparently the dumb bastard couldn’t read. I was and am Joan Peters. Yes, I knew what he meant. And yes, I suppose he was being "kind" in his way, but I didn’t see it that way.

"Ms. Peters, I’m afraid I can’t let you back into class until you provide me with the proper documentation." He looked at me as though he’d won some kind of victory. I granted him as much and smiled at him in return. Still, I was tired of this and was glad that I could make my exit without any further ado.

"Very well, Mr. Qwerty. I shall do my best to provide you with the requested letter from my doctor as soon as possible," I said while standing. I grabbed the documents I’d given him earlier out of his hand and made my exit. He made no attempt to stop me.

It seemed I was out of school earlier than expected. What of Sam? Did I need to be here when he got out? Would he be all right on his own? I finally decided that I was being an idiot and began the walk home. Still, going home wouldn’t solve anything. I needed said documents to be allowed back in school. I’d been wanting to speak to Aunt Vivian for more than awhile, but to do so now just didn’t seem right. I almost felt like a "fair-weather-friend." You know? Oh, now that you need something you’re here to see me. Well, thanks for stopping by.

I put such thoughts out of my head and made my way to the Raspberry home. If she was angry with me, so be it. I wasn’t too happy about the way things were going myself. Before I knew it I was standing outside their front door ringing the doorbell. Half hoping that she wouldn’t be there to answer it. I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

"I’ve been expecting you," Aunt Vivian said as she opened the front door. My eyebrows knitted themselves involuntarily as I followed her into the kitchen. "I have the documentation that you need already prepared, but before I consider giving it to you, we need to talk." I stared at the envelope she held in her hand. I just wanted to grab it and run. For just a moment I considered getting up and running away. I didn’t need her letter. I didn’t need anyone’s approval. I was who I was. Accept me or not. Fine if you do, and the hell with you if you don’t. Aunt Viv got up from the table and poured us both a cup of coffee.

She’d read my thoughts perfectly. "I’m sorry you have to go through this Joan. It’s not fair in so many ways. Then again, neither is life." I wanted to be angry with her. I tried as best I could to find fault with what she was saying. "Darla told me that you never made it to the last meeting," she added. What the hell was she on about now? What meeting? Finally it hit me. The meeting for transgender teens. I’d been so gung-ho about it all. But, so much had changed in the last month I’d simply forgotten all about it.

What was the point? Did I need to listen to a bunch of whiny mixed up kids talk about the problems they were having fitting in society at large? I was far too busy for such nonsense. I hadn’t said a word, yet Aunt Vivian seemed to be reading my thoughts. "Maybe you should just leave?" she asked me. A huge sigh of relief escaped me. I reached out to grab the letter and go. It wasn’t going to be that easy.

"Joan, I’m here to help you. I can’t help you if you won’t let me. I have a professional responsibility to you and to the public at large. I can’t simply give you what you want because you want it." Maybe I should just leave? I had an Inn to refurbish. There were people depending on me. There were those yet born depending on me. I thought about all of them and realized I couldn’t just run away.

I found myself spilling my guts to Aunt Viv. I started out with how unfair everything was. I was a good kid and doing my best to keep order in so many lives. And? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… It was well after noon before I finally shut up. Where the hell had the last two hours gone? I looked at the kitchen clock and then at Aunt Vivian. She simply smiled at me, handed me the letter and told me she’d see me on Thursday evening for my regular appointment.

I couldn’t help myself. I walked over and hugged her close. I promised her I’d be there and tucked the letter away in my purse. I made my way over to the Ryan Inn with a huge smile on my face. I wondered how Jared and Aunt Mel were getting along. Thankfully the door was open when I got there. I didn’t even have a key to the place. That would be my first order of business.

I found them both sitting on stools at the modest counter. They were eating burgers and chatting like old friends. "Well, the princess has finally arrived," Aunt Melissa said as I strolled purposefully into the room. I looked at her like she was nuts and she began laughing.

"I see you two have met," I said for lack of something brilliant to say. "Where’s my lunch?" I asked haughtily in princess mode.

"And what would your highness like?" Auntie M asked and picked up an order pad from under the counter. I laughed as expected and told her that the burgers seemed safe. She nodded at me and told me to be seated, that it would be ready in no time at all. I wound up talking about my day with Jared. I hadn’t intended to spill my guts yet again, but he was so damned easy to talk to. Just as Aunt Melissa came walking out to the counter with my burger, Sam came walking through the front door.

"You must be psychic!" he said as he took the plate from Auntie M. She went to pull it back from him. I put my arm on her own and she let go of the plate. I told her to please sit down and asked anyone if they wanted anything else before I went to make my burger. Sam of course wanted another one. Jared and Auntie M were both good.

I was becoming strangely attached to the Inn. For some reason, it felt like home. I brought both our burgers out and Sam and Jared were lost in deep conversation about baseball. It’s funny. There was a time when all that seemed like the most important thing in the world. Now it didn’t rate a footnote.

"Anyplace serving burgers as good as these will have no problem staying in business," Sam said as he bit into his second burger. We finished lunch and Jared handed keys to Aunt Melissa and myself. I asked him for the receipt and he told me not to worry about it.

"So, how did things go for you at school? I waited when we got out, but I never saw you," Sam asked. I explained to the three of them how I’d been thrown out of class for simply being me. Actually, I was more relieved that no one had attempted to start a fight with me than I was about anything. I went on to tell them all about my visit with Aunt Vivian and how I hopefully had everything all worked out. I wasn’t so sure I believed it myself, but I put on my brave face and continued. I cleared away the luncheon mess and promised Sam that I’d be home by 5:30. He asked me if I needed him to do anything. I told him the best thing he could do for me was to go home and relax. He hugged me close and thanked me.

Aunt Melissa went back to work in the kitchen and Jared continued finishing up the first floor bedroom. He asked me if I had a check for him to get the floor sander. I told him I didn’t have a business checking account. He eyed me warily. I gave him the last $100 from my purse and asked him if that would be enough. He smiled at me and told me he’d bring me my change and a receipt. I wasn’t aware at the time that a credit card would also be required. Fortunately, Jared took care of that on his own.

I lightly sanded the stairwell and cleaned it with the tack cloth. By day’s end I had the first coat of varnish applied. It looked magnificent. Jared said he’d wait a few hours before he started sanding to give the varnish a chance to dry. In the interim he helped Auntie M in the kitchen. They seemed to be getting along famously. I smiled as I realized that Jared was flirting with her! She was way too old for him, wasn’t she? Aunt Mel didn’t seem to mind the attention at all and batted her lashes at him provocatively.

"Maybe you two should get a room?" I suggested and laughed. I could tell that Jared wanted to punch me on the shoulder. Fortunately, I was far enough away to be safe.

"Joan, why don’t you go home to your husband. I’m going to stay here and cook something for Jared and myself," she whispered. I asked her if she was sure? She assured me that she was. Jared pulled me aside as I made my way to the exit. He told me not to worry about my aunt. He promised not to take advantage of the situation. I’m not sure why, but I believed him. I bade them both farewell and told them that I’d be over first thing after school tomorrow.

Adults, I thought to myself as I made my way back home. And, what of dinner? Damn, I was exhausted. Still, before I even thought of going home, I had to stop at Hospin’s. I made my walk over to the paint store. Mr. Hospin greeted me warmly as usual. I explained to him that not only hadn’t I been paid a dime, that I was now making substantial outlays to get the job completed. In short, I needed money, and I needed it now! He asked me if two thousand dollars would be enough. Normally, such an amount would have sent me reeling on my heels. As it was, I’d be owing Jared five hundred dollars come Friday. Not to mention having to pay Aunt Melissa as well.

I really needed to sit down and do some kind of cost analysis on this project. I’d been putting that off for far too long. I made my way across the street to the bank and deposited his check. I hoped Jared didn’t mind being paid by check? Hell, as his employer I was probably responsible for all kind of taxes and various governmental paperwork. This was all getting too complicated!

I walked in the front door at quarter to six. Sam told me he was beginning to get worried. Something smelled delicious! He told me that he was re-heating the left-over lasagna from last night and that I could make a salad if I wanted one.

I really didn’t want to be bothered, but I knew that Sam needed all the vitamins and minerals he could get. I asked him if he minded if I invited Mom over for dinner. He told me of course not, and urged me to give her a call. Normally, I’d have just walked across the street, but it made more sense to call her up. Mom was a bit surprised that Aunt Melissa wasn’t coming home for dinner, but promised to be over in a few minutes.

I grabbed a loaf of Italian bread out of the freezer and defrosted it in the microwave for a few seconds. It wasn’t long before I had an appetizing dinner for three at the ready. I thanked Sam yet again for taking care of dinner. That was supposed to be my job. Until the Inn was finished, I was going to need all the help I could get.

Mom was full of questions about my day at school and about how things were progressing down at the Inn. She seemed a bit surprised that Auntie M was staying behind to make dinner for Jared. She laughed and informed me that she was going to take a walk over there to meet this charismatic young man. I smiled at her and informed her that I was pretty sure that Aunt Melissa had designs on him so she should keep her distance. The whole thing was getting stranger all the time.

Sam seemed relieved to have everything taken care of. He didn’t offer to help when dinner was completed, but made his way into the living room. He’d picked up a couple of course books and began going through them. He seemed a lot more positive about everything than I was. I did nothing to dissuade him from his outlook.

"Sam, want to go for a walk with me?" I did my best not to make it sound like a plea. He quietly got up from the couch, walked over to me and took my hand. I considered taking a walk over to the Inn for just a moment and decided to let the adults deal with the situation on their own.

We walked from one end of the boardwalk and back again. It was still officially summer, but there was a certain briskness in the air. There were still a fair number of people in attendance. Those unable to deal with the loss of another perfect summer. Sam pulled me close to him, held me tight, and kissed me gently on the lips.

We made our way back home with solemn smiles firmly attached to our faces. It seemed we always held hands when we walked together now. It was just a few months ago when Sam was pushing me away. I smiled in remembrance.

Tomorrow was going to be an insanely busy day. Aunt Vivian made me promise not to open the letter that she’d provided me. Of course, her request made me even more curious as to what was inside. Still, I had no plans to go home and surreptitiously peek at said documentation. I got myself ready for bed and considered all that I had to do:
school, work, then band practice. There was no way I’d be cooking anyone’s dinner tomorrow night. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling with Josam wrapped tightly in one arm and Teddy in the other. It wasn’t too long before sleep came to claim me...