Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale. JJ continues down the road of self discovery.

Story:

Chapter 20

The Beat Goes On

Wednesday morning! Only two more early mornings for me for the next few months! YAY! I was not a fan of early mornings. In a perfect world I’d go to bed at 3 AM and awaken sometime before noon. I quickly showered and shaved. Yes, my new routine involved running the razor over my legs and pits on a daily basis. It only took a minute or two and made me feel so much cleaner. I grabbed a pair of jeans from my drawer and a blue sport shirt. The shirt was a bit dressy, but, I was in the mood to wear it. Perhaps I should wear my new stiletto pumps, I thought and giggled madly.

Was it just yesterday that I’d walked half way home to change? Ah well, I was still tempted to dress as "Joan" for school, but did my best to resist the urge. The time would come one day. I went downstairs and downed a quick bowl of cheerios. I made an extra meat loaf sandwich for lunch. Perhaps I could get Darla to sample my cooking? Somehow, I felt brand new on this beautiful June morning. There actually was a light at the end of the tunnel and no, it wasn’t a freight train headed straight for me. I performed my new routine of making sure that Mom was awake before I headed over to Sam’s.

"Come on Sam! let’s go," I shouted to his front door before knocking. He came out moments later and asked me what the hell I was so happy about. I laughed and asked if I needed a reason to be happy? It seemed to me that happiness should be the normal state and not the other way around. As we walked to school I asked him if he’d given any consideration as to how we’d spend our birthdays this year.

"How about an all girl slumber party?" he suggested and began laughing. I found myself laughing along with him. I then told him that the only girl he’d be sleeping with was me! He leaned over and kissed me on the side of the head as we continued walking.

"Only two more mornings of this walk for awhile Sam!" I exclaimed. He gave me a strange look. I was usually happy going to school. Right now, I was looking forward to summer vacation. A chance to explore myself as Joan better. My first trip to the beauty parlor. Perhaps I could get Darla to accompany me? Turnabout was fair play. Besides, I had no idea what kind of look I wanted to achieve. I was sure that Darla could help me out there. "Are we going to walk home together?" I asked him as we entered the building.

"Absolutely!" he replied. I would never take Sam’s presence for granted again. That was a good thing. I loved him so. The only class I was awake for that morning was shop class. I found myself asking Mr. Ferris how much he thought I should charge for a jewelry box. He eyed me suspiciously thinking that I was making money on school supplied materials. I explained the entire situation to him. How the one I was working on now was for my Mom and how my friend’s mother also wanted one like the one I’d made for her daughter.

He was familiar with my craftsmanship and told me at length that $125 would be a fair price. "You know John, with all the work you put into those things, you won’t be earning minimum wage," he said. I smiled at that and told him I was aware, but would gain valuable knowledge from the experience if nothing else. He nodded his approval and then asked me if I had the tools at home to do the job. I admitted sadly that I didn’t. "Talk to me after class on Friday. We may be able to help each other out," he said a bit cryptically. In my mind’s eye I began to envision an empire of jewelry boxes, "Crafted By Joan." Hell, I was too young to get working papers and I needed a job. I might just find a way to make this work.

Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. I took my usual seat "Oh my! I hadn’t realized! You and Darla are wearing the same earrings!" Sally said. "Did Joan pick those out for you Darla?" Sally asked her. Darla was starting to get annoyed with Sally’s behavior too. She used to be the shy girl not wanting to stir things up. Now, it seemed she was hell bent on turning everyone against everyone else. Sarah just sat there with flames coming out of her nostrils. I laughed aloud at the picture that my mind had painted for me. Of course, Sarah correctly surmised that I was laughing at her and this made her angrier still. Too bad, so sad, I thought. Sarah had done enough to make my life miserable.

I decided that now was not a good time to ask Darla about accompanying me to the salon. "Girls!" I announced proudly. "Would you like to try some meatloaf ala Joan?" I pulled out my extra sandwich which I’d cut into quarters. I was beyond surprised when Sarah took a piece. She picked it up gingerly as if she expected it to explode. "Sally?" I asked her. Sally reluctantly took a piece and Darla resignedly took one too. They sat there staring at me expectantly. What now? Then, I realized they were waiting for me. I was to be the beef eater. I picked up the remaining piece and took a large bite. I smiled at them. Sarah finished her piece in two bites and looked like she wanted more.

"Did you really make this Joan?" Darla asked me.

"Yes, and I really made your jewelry box too," I said laughing. Adding the bit about the jewelry box made them doubt everything. I laughed louder. "I’d be happy to show you how sometime, if you’d like."

"I’m not a big fan of meatloaf, but that was delicious," said Sally. I took out my other sandwich and excused myself for a moment. I returned with a plastic knife and cut the remaining sandwich into quarters. Surprisingly, they all took another piece.

Lunch time over, I sleep walked through the rest of the afternoon. I’d heard a few rude comments throughout the day about my fingernails, but I figured it was their problem not mine. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Sarah was behind it all. Sam was waiting for me when I arrived on the front steps. "Joan!" he exclaimed as if he hadn’t seen me in months. He ran to me and give me a huge hug.

"Are you all right Sam?" I asked him.

"Yes," he whispered. "I’m just happy to see you." I smiled at him and we walked home hand in hand. I wanted to tell him of my plan to build jewelry boxes to make some money. Then I’d have to explain the whole situation with Darla and her mother. Well, maybe not, but I’d have to get it all straight in my head before I wound up saying something I shouldn’t. I didn’t need anymore misunderstandings with Sam.

We arrived home and I asked him what he was doing later. "I’m going for a walk on the boardwalk with my best girl" he replied and gave me a hug. He was awfully sure of himself. Then again, perhaps I was the one that was sure of myself thinking that of course he meant me.

"What time are you coming over?" I asked him. I stood there cringing waiting for him to tell me that he was meeting someone else.

"Does 7:30 work for you?" he asked me.

"Perfect!" I exclaimed. That would give me enough time to clean up after dinner.

"You know I meant it when I said you can cook for me anytime."

"Gee thanks Sam, but I think you’re going to cook our next meal together." He laughed and told me he hoped I liked peanut butter sandwiches. I stood on tip toes and kissed him passionately as I bade him goodbye.

I entered the front door wondering what was in store for me on the cooking front this day. I checked out the menu on the refrigerator. There was a whole chicken to prepare. Fortunately, Mom had left detailed instructions about removing the gizzards etc. That was so gross! At least I’d be able to cheat on the stuffing (stove top) and the gravy (Heinz). I let the dog in and decided to do a few loads of laundry. Remembering my promise to myself about counseling, I hit the Internet and began doing a search. I wasn’t quite sure what inquiry would yield the proper answers. A search on "boys who want to be girls" came back with a bunch of weird sites about crossdressers. I supposed that’s what I was, or at least that’s what I seemed.

Still, I knew that wasn’t it for me. Further examination of that topic showed me that although these males enjoyed wearing female attire, most of them did it for sexual gratification. I knew then and there that I was not one of them. It took me some time, but I finally found a listing of support groups in my area. I was a bit put off that the groups were all encompassing. It seemed I’d be lumped in with the "gay and lesbian community." I sat there thinking about it and realized that perhaps I was indeed a lesbian. This was all so damned confusing. I wasn’t into boys at all,. but I honestly thought of Sam as male. I wondered just how I’d ever get to attend one of these meetings. They were held twice monthly on Friday evenings in a locale not far from our own.

Feeling like I’d actually accomplished something, I continued doing the housework and laundry. Time to preheat the oven and get the chicken in. I worked furiously while awaiting Mom’s imminent arrival. I hoped she’d be pleased. Six o’clock arrived and Mom came struggling through the door. She had a look of total dejection about her.

"What’s wrong Mom?" I asked. She began crying and ran to hug me. "Mom, what’s the matter?" I asked again. I’d seen her upset before, but never like this. Besides, my father had always been around in the past to handle such situations.

She sobbed for awhile longer while squeezing the breath out of me and finally replied, "I’m all right. Sorry, I just had a rough day." With that she poured herself a drink and sat at the table with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

I knew she was hiding something from me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what it was. Perhaps telling her about my research would take her mind off of her worries. Then again, perhaps it would add to them. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I served up the chicken, cranberry sauce, a bowl full of stuffing , and a boat full of gravy. The entire meal was far easier than I’d ever expected it could be.

"This is delicious Joan. You’ve outdone yourself." I was happy to hear those words of appreciation. I knew that Mom would be my main ally in my quest to become Joan. I had to talk to her about it.

"Mom?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes sweetheart?" she asked.

"I need to be a girl." This was not a time to express doubts. If I was going to get her attention, I had to state things in the imperative. I want to be a girl, just wouldn’t do.

She began crying softly. "Are you all right Mom?"

"Yes sweetheart. I’m fine," she replied. "What makes you think you want to be a girl?" she added. I felt like telling her that I thought that’s what she wanted of me. Still, I knew that this was my decision, not hers. It was I who’d spend the rest of my life walking in high heels, not her, well not unless she wanted to.

"Mom, I want to thank you for helping me find my way. It would have taken me far longer without your help, but I’m now certain that I’d have wound up here just the same. Yes, I like dressing up as Joan, but it’s far more than that. When I see Joan’s reflection in the mirror staring back at me, I feel complete. I feel whole. No doubts about anything. I know that sounds delusional, but it’s true. And no, I don’t expect that changing gender will solve all of life’s problems. Still, I have to be happy with myself first and foremost. I’m not as John."

"All of my friends, including Sam, treat me as though I was a girl. I think I finally knew it when I attended Darla’s party last weekend. Everything just seemed so right. This was how I was meant to live my life. Not as someone pretending to be male. Mom looked at me as though this was all her fault. Perhaps in some ways, it was. Still, as I said earlier, I’d have arrived here anyway, it just would have taken longer. "Mom, there is a meeting on Friday night for people like me. Would you take me? Will you come with me?" I begged her.

"Joan, are you sure about this?"

"I’m sure that I need to do this Mom," I told her honestly. She sat there and seemed to be weighing things in her mind. I couldn’t imagine what her problem was. Over the last few weeks she’d bought me every item of feminine attire possible and now she was having doubts?

"Will you take me?" I asked again. The clock kept marching onward.

Finally she said, "all right Joan, we’ll go and check it out." I smiled at her and gave her a big hug and kiss. It was closing in on seven o’clock and I was fast running out of time. I began my running around the kitchen routine once again. I left the rack to soak in the basin and cleared away all the dishes. I thought I’d bring a drumstick for lunch tomorrow. I found myself hoping that the girls wouldn’t expect me to supply them with lunch everyday and began laughing. Hell, out of the two sandwiches I brought for lunch, I’d only had a half of one. I then decided that Joan was going to need more clothes. Three outfits weren’t going to be enough. My thoughts were everywhere!

I finished up in the kitchen as quickly as I could. I left some things to soak in the sink and told Mom I’d clean them when I got home. She didn’t ask where I was going. For that, I was grateful. I ran upstairs and put on a pair of pantyhose. My black skort with contrasting white top competed the outfit. I found myself wanting more shoes, more skirts, more tops, more everything! I put on my maryjanes and did a quick job of my makeup. Moments later Sam arrived.

"Joan, Sam’s here!" Mom announced. I made my way gently down the stairs. His smile was all the welcome that I needed.

"You look lovely Joan."

I gave him my old standby, "you don’t look so bad yourself."

I told Mom I’d be home before ten and we made our way to the boardwalk. I loved the look of my new gold watch. A slender watch for my slender wrist, I smiled at the thought. We began walking and Sam took my hand. "I love you Sam," I said for no reason at all. He smiled at me in return. I always knew that Sam wanted to be a boy, but I decided that he’d have to arrive at that conclusion on his own. Maybe he’d become interested when I told him of my intentions to attend a support group for teens like us. I was afraid however that Sam was too proud and independent to seek any kind of help.

"So, what are your plans for the summer?" he asked me. It’s funny, we’d never made plans for a summer before. They just came and went. The days took care of themselves. Now, here we were wondering and worrying about what we were going to accomplish.

"I’m not positive Sam, but I think I’ve got a job working for Mr. Ferris this summer." He gave me a look that expressed total bewilderment. I laughed at his expression. "You see, I’m going to be making jewelry boxes to earn a living this summer," I said matter of factly as though it was all a done deal. "How about you Sam? What have you got planned?" I asked him.

He told me he wasn’t sure, but thought he’d be attending a baseball camp for a few weeks next month. It was my turn to offer up a baffled look. "The coach came down to the park last night to watch me pitch to the boys. He was very impressed as I struck out Billy, Jimmy, and Duncan one by one. He didn’t believe his own eyes, however. He took the bat from Duncan and strode to the plate. Three pitches later he was inviting me to camp free of charge," he finished proudly.

"Oh Sam! That’s wonderful!" I exclaimed. There was a time I would have been jealous of his accomplishment. That time had passed. "Next stop the major leagues," I said. He laughed and went to punch me in the arm. I was becoming very adept at dodging those punches.

It was the last slow Wednesday we’d see at the boardwalk until September rolled around. Everything was officially open including the amusement pier, but the crowds were sparse. I wasn’t sure which way I liked it better. Still, it seemed a lot more intimate just the way it was. I knew however, that if it was like this all the time that most of the businesses would fold. "You missed a meal even better than the one I made last night," I told him and started laughing.

"Hey Joan, I told you that you could cook for me anytime," he said and joined my good humor. "How did it go with Darla last night?" he asked. "I noticed she was wearing the same earrings that you have. Was that your idea or hers?" I hoped we weren’t going to fight over this. I explained the earring situation to Sam. Darla had the diamond studs but wouldn’t be able to wear them for awhile yet. Sam seemed placated by my explanation.

"That girl has everything, doesn’t she?" he said at last.

"She doesn’t have you," I said and kissed him on the cheek.

"You mean, she doesn’t have you," he said to me and returned my kiss. I smiled back at him and we continued walking. Dressed as I was, I think I’d have been annoyed if anyone mistook me for a boy. How times had changed, I thought and smiled. Out of the blue Sam told me of his plans to get his hair cut off for the summer. He used the excuse that it wouldn’t be right to go to baseball camp with hair as long as his own. I looked at him sadly and told him that I’d always loved his long hair.

"Well Joan, you’ve got long hair now. Do something pretty with it for me." I smiled at his comment and considered telling him of my planned trip to the beauty parlor. I decided at length that it would be a surprise.

"I guess the next time we play "boy/girl" you’ll have to shout out "boy" when the first wave takes you," he said to me and laughed. I laughed with him imagining him calling me "John" after being knocked down by a rogue wave. He seemed to be growing more comfortable in the male role of our relationship. I had to admit I was feeling the same way. It just felt right being held in his strong arms as we battled our way through life.

"Hey Sam? Want to ride the carousel with me?" I asked out of nowhere. Not sure why I wanted to, but I just did.

"If that’s what you want to do," he replied. We made our way into the huge arcade that had the carousel as its centerpiece. I purchased two tickets and we waited for the ride to stop. In years past, Sam would always ride on the "inside" horse. Now, he mounted one of the mighty steeds on the outermost ring. I thought for a moment about simply getting behind him but at last relented and took the one next to him.

It was more about being with him than riding the ride. He smiled at me as though he was somehow dominating me by his mere position. I gave him my best warrior princess smile in return. Sure, I’d stroke his ego, but I wasn’t about to fade into the background for anyone. I was a very liberated girl, I thought and laughed aloud. Everything just seemed so much better now. I could almost understand how crossdressers felt. And yes, I realized that for the moment I numbered among them, but knew in my heart that I was a real girl. It broke my heart that I’d have to continue the charade of John. I was determined that it wouldn’t be for that much longer.

The ride finally ended. Sam gallantly offered me his hand to help me down from my horse. I graciously accepted his gesture. "I love you Joan," he whispered. I smiled so wide my jaw ached. We walked about the boards for a bit after that. Sam bought me some fresh fudge. It was all the sweeter for being from him. I kept a few pieces to bring home to Mom. I knew she loved chocolate. I found myself wishing that I could wear my high heels here. I began to wonder just how strange Sam would look with really short hair. I’d never seen him that way before. I knew I was going to need some magazines or something to learn more about being a girl.

"Sam, I need to get something in the convenience store. "He gave me a look that said I was asking too much. "Come on, big guy, be a sport." I wasn’t sure if it was the way I said it or the fact that I’d called him "big guy," but he came along willingly. I found myself examining the myriad of women’s magazines on the racks. I finally decided on the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Sure, they had "girls’" magazines, but I was far too mature for them. As I made my way to the checkout counter, Sam eyeing my purchase gave me a look that let me know he thought I’d totally lost my mind. I simply smiled at him as I made my purchase.

"I guess you’re serious about this wanting to be a girl stuff?" he said inquisitively.

"No Sam," I said petulantly, "it’s all just a joke for your benefit."

His comment gave me pause. Had he just been placating me? Did he think I was less than serious about becoming female? I’d have to make sure he understood my intent. No, my decision didn’t rest with him. This was about me, but I just had to know how he felt. "Sam?" I asked him. "What do I look like to you right now, a boy or a girl?" He actually blushed and told me that my question didn’t require an answer.

"Thank you Sam. I didn’t think it required an answer either. However, I can’t help thinking that you thought I was kidding about wanting to be "Joan" for real. I am Joan," I informed him. I was going to do everything in my power to become the girl I was meant to be. He grinned sheepishly and told me he understood. I knew that he didn’t, but I let it pass. I knew then that I’d be alone on this journey and perhaps that’s the way it had to be. Did Sam love me? Yes, I was certain that he did. Could he accept me as Joan for real? Only time would tell. I hugged him close and thanked him for a wonderful evening. We’d never even made it down to the ocean, one of my favorite things to do.

The walk home was a quick one. He held me in his arms outside my door. I couldn’t believe how strong he was. From a genetic standpoint, I was the boy in this relationship. From a realistic standpoint, Sam was far stronger than I was. He kissed me deeply and promised me he loved me no matter what. I don’t know why, but I had my doubts. "I’ll see you in the morning then?" he asked before releasing me.

"Where else would I be?" I replied somewhat coyly. He waited again till I made my way inside. I still felt a bit funny about someone doing that for me. In a way it made me feel safe, in another way it made me feel like an incompetent little kid. I resolved that the next time we were together that I’d be the one walking him home and waiting till he was inside before leaving.

"Joan! You’re early!" Mom enthused as I walked through the door. I hadn’t looked at my watch the whole time. It was just 9:30. "How was your evening sweetheart, and what’s that in your hand?" she asked. I blushed slightly and showed her my issue of Cosmopolitan.

"Oh! You’ll have to let me read it when you’ve finished."

"Of course Mom." I almost told her that I’d bought it for her. I was done with pretending. "Oh, here Mom!" I said handing her the bag. There were still two pieces of fudge left. Mom opened the bag and smiled at me.

"You shouldn’t have," was all she said. She took a piece and nibbled on it as a rabbit would. I smiled at her and gave her a hug.

"I love you Mommy," I whispered.

"I love you too sweetheart," she whispered in return.

I went into the kitchen and finished cleaning the racks and pans that had been soaking since dinner time. I’d held out a faint hope that Mom would do them for me, but it was all right. Fifteen minutes later I was finished and I bade Mom goodnight. I went upstairs and carefully removed my clothes. I loved the way the pantyhose looked on my legs, but they were ridiculously delicate. A far cry from crew socks. I enjoyed dressing up, but I knew whatever happened I’d still spend a fair amount of my life wearing blue jeans and sneakers. I lay in bed and began browsing through my magazine. Some of the articles were interesting, but none seemed to apply to me directly.

The ads were mostly for clothing and cosmetics which I neither needed nor could afford. Perhaps this hadn’t been the right choice of reading material. I could see myself bringing it to school and reading it in class. I began giggling furiously as I embraced the possibility. Ok, so that wouldn’t be one of my better ideas. I decided to do some more online research tomorrow so I’d have a better idea of just what to expect come Friday evening. I was worried that it would be a total freak show and I’d be the "freak of honor." Did I really want to talk to others about this? I began to have doubts. Still, I knew that to become Joan in society at large, I’d need some help from those who’d already blazed the trail. At length, I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

I hugged and kissed the triplets and decided that Teddy needed some attention. I fell asleep holding him tight in my arms…

Chapter 21

Can We Still Be Friends?

Thursday morning arrived. Just one more day of getting up so early. I couldn’t remember being happier as I made myself ready to face the world. Shower completed, I donned a pair of shorts and sneakers. A polo shirt completed the outfit. It was a preppy look at best. My hair was starting to get too long to do anything with it. I’d always kept it on the long side, but now it hadn’t been cut in months. I wondered just how feminine I was willing to go with a new hairstyle. I decided whatever it was, it was going to be something pretty. If worse came to worst, I could always shave my head, I thought and giggled at the possibility.

Breakfast finished, I grabbed some of last night’s leftovers for lunch. Once again I made sure Mom was awake before heading out the door. Sam was waiting for me with a smile on his face. "Ok, it’s my turn to ask. What are you so happy about?"

"I’m just happy to be walking to school with you."

"Why thank you kind Sir." I brushed up against him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. We began our journey.

"So, did you learn any new secrets?" Sam asked me. I had no idea what he was talking about and my look of total bewilderment confirmed this for him. "In your new magazine?" he asked in a taunting tone.

"There are some things a girl never tells!" I told him and we continued our walk. I wasn’t really sure if the weather was as beautiful as it seemed or whether I was just so happy that only one day of school remained.

Tomorrow we would receive our year end report cards. This was a holdover from an earlier time. The cards sent home with us would be followed up with a letter to the parents a few days hence. I was actually anticipating my best semester ever! As we continued walking, I realized that I’d forgotten to call my father yesterday as I’d promised myself I would. At the moment, I wasn’t feeling too kindly towards him and finally decided that if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where to find me. I could imagine myself ringing his office and getting him on the phone. "Dad, why haven’t you called me?" I’d ask. Nope, I wasn’t going to do that.

"Earth to Joan," a voice summoned me.

"Huh?" I replied.

"I just asked you if you wanted to go to the movies with me tomorrow night," Sam said.

"Tomorrow?" I said remembering the meeting. "Sorry Sam, I can’t tomorrow night," I replied. He looked at me as though he thought I’d be attending another party with the girls. Should I tell him what I was doing? "Sam," I began, "I’m going to a meeting for transgendered teens tomorrow night," I told him solemnly.

He looked at me as though I’d just stepped off an alien spacecraft. "I need to find out more about becoming Joan." His look told me that he still seriously doubted my sanity. "Why don’t you come with me?" I asked.

"Why would I want to go to a meeting for transgendered teens?" he asked me. I sighed audibly.

"No reason Sam, no reason at all," I said and we continued walking. My "boyfriend" apparently wasn’t ready to accept or acknowledge his own situation. In a sense, Sam was more masculine than I was feminine. I knew he lifted weights. If he got his hair cut short as planned, no one would ever mistake him for a girl again. Well, not for a few years when he failed to display any facial hair and his voice didn’t drop. Though I had to admit, Sam’s voice was already deeper than my own.

"Could we go Saturday night?" I asked him as we neared our destination. I think that by merely inviting Sam to join me tomorrow night, it had eased his mind.

"That would be wonderful Joan," he told me and squeezed my hand three times. I returned the gesture and smiled back at him.

"I love you Sam," I said a bit wistfully. I did love him, with all my heart. I worried though that in the final analysis that "Joan" wouldn’t be enough for him. I began thinking that if Sam wasn’t gay then all bets were off. Then again, I was positive that Sam was transgendered as I was. If we could only swap bodies. I laughed to myself. No, I didn’t want to be Sam, he was far too masculine!

We arrived just in time and made our way into the building. If not for my jewelry box project, I think I’d have stayed home today and tomorrow. Talk about a complete waste of time! I entered shop class and began the finishing touches on Mom’s jewelry box. It looked exquisite! The oak really made a difference in the overall appearance. I’d have to do the hand rubbed coats of lacquer at home, but that was fine with me. I hoped Mom liked it! As I continued working, Mr. Ferris came up to me.

"John, I have to ask you something," he said. "Why are you wearing pink nail polish on your hands?" I found myself thinking that this was a reasonable question from a future employer. Still, I didn’t see myself spilling my guts to him.

"It’s just part of who I am," I told him. "Is that a problem?" I asked seriously. He shook his head from side to side as if unsure what to say next.

"John, I want you to come work with me this summer, but I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into here. Do you have any special needs?" he asked me. Honestly, I had no idea what he was asking me.

Wanting that job as much as anything, I laughed and replied, "If you want a quality worker, then I’m your man," I said with more confidence than I felt.

"Here’s my address," he said handing me his business card. "I’ll expect you at 9:00 AM Monday morning. We’ll figure out your hours then. I’m going to expect you there for twenty hours a week though. If that’s a problem, let me know now and I’ll make other arrangements." I found myself wanting to ask him about hourly rates and what hours he had in mind and what he wanted me to do and, all kinds of stuff!

I smiled at him and said, "Not a problem at all Mr. Ferris, thanks for the opportunity." I put Mom’s jewelry box back in its cubby hole and made my way to my next class.

Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. Sam and crew were sitting at their table and having a grand old time. I began to wonder if Sam and I would be lunch partners again in the fall when Duncan was off to the high school. "Good afternoon girls!" I greeted them as I took my seat.

"Good afternoon Joan," said Sally giggling at me. Somehow I felt that I’d betrayed Sally, but I honestly wasn’t sure how.

"Didn’t you bring us any lunch today?" Darla asked me. I sat there dumbfounded. The three of them began laughing at me. I was glad that I provided some amusement for them. If I’d been sitting closer to Darla, I’d have punched her in the arm. I took out my lunch and ate it in silence. My mind was filled with various thoughts: my new job, the meeting tomorrow night, the trip to the beauty parlor, Aunt Viv’s jewelry box, the list went on and on.

Before I knew it, I was standing outside on the front steps waiting for Sam. We hadn’t said anything to one another about the walk home. Before everything started to "happen", the walk to and from school with one another was a given. Now, it was anybody’s guess. Fifteen minutes later, feeling totally stupid, I began walking home alone. I laughed to myself as I wondered if there were any new cracks in the sidewalk to count. I was glad the school year was basically over. Tomorrow was a half-day. We’d be released at noon. No need to pack a lunch. Not sure why, but I found myself worrying about Sam. Next thing I knew I was thinking about my new job next week. Visions of dollar signs danced in my head! If he offered me less than five dollars per hour, I was going to thank him for considering me and make other plans. I hoped to be able to add to my modest savings over the course of the summer.

I got home and decided to call Sam and see if everything was alright. Thankfully, he was home safe and sound. I asked him why he hadn’t waited for me. He had no reply for that other than we hadn’t discussed walking home together that afternoon. I was a bit annoyed with his behavior, but decided to let the matter pass.

"You want to come play some ball with me and the guys?" he asked. I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do less. Well, maybe a trip to the dentist would be less appealing than that. I thanked him for his offer but politely declined. Before hanging up I asked if we were on for walking to school together tomorrow. His two word response, "you bet!" was all I needed to hear. We said our goodbyes and I headed off to the kitchen to check out the evening’s meal plan.

I was going to suggest to Mom that since I was doing the majority of the cooking that I should have some say in what we were having for dinner. I didn’t think that she’d mind. This evening’s fare would be very easy. Tuna casserole and soup. Also attached to the refrigerator door was a note from Mom telling me that I had a 10:00 AM appointment Saturday at "The Hairport." Knots began forming in the pit of my stomach. This was really going to happen! It was then that I decided to give Darla a call and ask her if she’d accompany me to get my "hair cut". She answered on the second ring. I asked her if she’d come with me. She began laughing as she asked just why I’d need her to come hold my hand while I got a hair cut. I literally blushed into the phone.

"Er, Darla," I began, "This isn’t your run of the mill hair cut," I explained. "I’m going to get my hair "styled,"" I said as delicately as I could. I could read her lack of comprehension in the tone of her voice as she muttered, "uh huh."

"Darla, I’ve got an appointment at the beauty parlor on Saturday morning. Will you come with me?" I asked as directly as I knew how.

"Oh Joan! That’s wonderful! Of course I’ll come with you. I am your big sister after all," she laughed in a teasing tone. I was almost too embarrassed to say anything. I found my response a bit odd. Hell, she’d seen me totally made up wearing high heels and here I was fretting about getting a new hair cut. I must be nuts!

"Thanks Darl. My appointment is for 10:00 AM, so I’ll pick you up about twenty of?"

"Aren’t you coming to school tomorrow?" she asked me.

"Of course I am, but I didn’t know if I’d have an opportunity to ask you then. Oh, and Darla? Please don’t tell Sarah and Sally about this. I’m sure they’ll find out at some point, but not now, all right?"

"You’re secret is safe with me," she said before hanging up.

No more kisses goodbye into the phone I thought sadly as I placed the phone back on the receiver. Ah well, nothing I could do about that. I decided to make myself pretty. I know that sounds insane. It was the middle of a Thursday afternoon. Why would I bother with such things? I just felt the need. I really was going to need more than just the three outfits. If I got dressed now, then I’d need something to wear tomorrow night. Hm? I hadn’t even considered what I was going to wear tomorrow night. Maybe it would be best to wear gender neutral apparel to the meeting. I knew however, that I couldn’t go dressed as John on Saturday for my appointment. I guessed there was no way to hide my blue pleated skirt from Darla in the final analysis.

I shrugged my shoulders and put on my black skort with white top. Yes, I’d just worn it last night but so what? It wasn’t like I was going to be seeing anyone. To spice it up a little I added the high heels. I wasn’t crazy about the way they forced me to walk in tiny steps, but I had to admit I loved the way they made me look. I did the best that I could with my hair and sprayed it in place when I was done. I decided I was going to wear my heels for the rest of the day. I needed the practice. I brought my desk chair over in front of my mirror and sat down. I crossed one leg over the other and posed demurely. I truly was losing my mind, but it felt wonderful! After a short while, I made my way to the kitchen. I either needed a serious jolt of caffeine or a nap. I decided on the caffeine.

While the coffee perked, I began gathering the necessary items I’d need to prepare dinner. Everything was ready when I was. I poured myself a cup of coffee and made my way upstairs to my room and my computer. I’m not sure why, but I found myself in Mom’s room staring at her makeup table. I’d build one for myself before the summer was over. As I began to make my exit, I noticed an open pack of Virginia Slims on her night stand. I was really at a loss now as I knew where this was headed. Next thing I was sitting in my chair in my room with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I found myself getting aroused by my own appearance. Should I light the thing, I wondered?

Was I totally losing my mind here. I knew all of the dangers of smoking. Why was I even considering this? I went back to the kitchen in search of some matches. Finding some, I practically ran back up to my room. A very tough thing to do when you’re wearing three inch heels.

I took the long slender tube in my hand, placed it in my mouth and struck a match. The taste was worse than I’d expected. I coughed a few times as I sat there puffing away and sipping my coffee. Just like Mom, I thought sadly. I liked the ruby red ring that my lips made on the filter. I liked the way that I looked as I sat there holding it in my hand. I barely recognized my reflection. That’s not entirely true. I saw my mother staring back at me from the mirror. What had prompted me to do this? Coffee and a cigarette may have had a calming effect on Mom, but I found myself getting very excited. I put it out in the ashtray and made my way to the bathroom before I exploded. What’s wrong with me? I almost felt like crying. I cleaned up my mess and decided to do a bit more research on the Internet.

It didn’t take too long to figure out that if I was indeed a transsexual, that the best time to do something about it was now. Now, before my beard started growing, my voice dropped and the other damages that testosterone would unleash on my body could take place. I began to shake and worry as I contemplated my future. Finally the tears were in full swing as I lay atop my bed crying like a baby. Life seemed so damned difficult all of a sudden. I hugged Jola as I drifted off to sleep. So much for the caffeine keeping me awake, I thought as I drifted off.

"Joan, I’m home!" my mother’s voice awakened me. "Where are you sweetheart?" she called out. I’d totally forgotten about everything! I jumped off the bed with my pumps still firmly attached to my feet.

"I’m coming Mom!" I shouted down the stairs to her. "Dinner will be ready shortly," I informed her. I practically ran to the kitchen and made her a drink. "Here you go Mom, your favorite!" I said handing her the gin and tonic. She eyed me suspiciously.

"You’re certainly getting a lot of use out of your new clothes," she commented. I smiled at her in return.

"Do you think I could get another outfit?" I asked her. She considered this for a moment before telling me that if I was going to be wearing skirts every day that I would indeed need more clothes. We engaged in chit chat as I prepared our meal. While the soup was cooking, I set the table. Finally, everything ready, I served up the food.

"Ah well, at least there’s one dish that I make better than you do," she said and began laughing.

"Mom," I began, "I’ve got a job for the summer. I start on Monday."

"A job? What kind of job? Don’t you have to be fifteen to get working papers?" she asked me.

"Yes Mom, you do," I said knowing it to be true.

"Then how have you got a job?" I went on to explain that Mr. Ferris had offered me a summer position assisting him in his shop. "You’re going to be working in a wood shop?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes Mom. It’s a great opportunity for me. I’ll be earning some money and learning more about making things. I think you’ll understand it all a lot better tomorrow," I said thinking about the jewelry box I’d made for her as a gift.

"What kind of hours do you plan on working?" she asked still not convinced. I told her that I wasn’t sure of my exact schedule, but Mr. Ferris decided that twenty hours per week would be appropriate.

"He doesn’t want my work to take up my whole summer," I added with total poetic license.

"He sounds like a wise man," she said and continued eating her dinner. "So, are we off to the mall to get you some more clothes then?" she asked me. I practically jumped out of my chair with glee.

"I’m afraid we’re going to have to shop the clearance racks, Joan. Money is getting to be a bit tight."

"One person’s clearance item is another’s treasure," I replied. She laughed and told me she liked my attitude. She helped me clean up the dishes and I went upstairs to put my more reasonable maryjanes on. Mom seemed disappointed that I wasn’t wearing the heels but thankfully, didn’t complain. We talked about the meeting tomorrow night as we made our way to the shopping center. Mom said she just wanted to be sure that I knew what I was doing. I laughed at that and told her that there was only one thing I was sure of.: "I am Joan," I said to her. She smiled at that and parked the car.

Everyone seemed to treat me nicer as Joan than they ever had as John. I know that sounds insane, but it’s true. Maybe it was because I was smiling more often these days. True to her word, Mom carefully checked out the clearance racks. She found the most beautiful pink dress at an incredible price. I loved the way it looked, but wondered just where I’d ever wear such a thing. Mom smiled at me knowingly. "Don’t worry Joan, you’ll have need for this soon enough." The low cut square necked dress had my mind in a whirl. If it looked half as good on me as it did on the hanger, it would be perfect! "I don’t suppose I have to ask you if you’d like to try this on?" she said and began placing it back on the rack. My heart sank to my knees. I walked over to where she’d placed "my" dress and picked it off the rack.

Mom beamed at me as I headed for the changing rooms. I felt prettier just holding it in my hands. It was truly a unique experience. "Come with me Mom?" I asked her. She accompanied me into the dressing room. It had a back zipper and I had no idea how one was supposed to work it alone. I finally stood there and saw a very pretty young woman staring back at me.

"Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. "You’re beautiful!" I had to admit, in that dress I felt beautiful. I began changing back into my skort as Mom muttered that at this price it would be crazy not to get it. I reached over and hugged her tightly.

We purchased a few more casual outfits. A sage colored pleated mini skirt with matching v necked top and my very own pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Just one more thing sweetheart she said and dragged me over to the swim suit selection. "You can’t go about looking as pretty as you do wearing a boy’s bathing suit." I had to admit that she was right. We finally picked out a red one-piece suit. It looked very similar to the one that Darla had loaned me. I felt sexy in it as I made a few poses in front of the mirror. Mom just stood and stared at me doe eyed. Purchases made, we began walking through the mall.

"Joan, you’re going to need a proper pair of sneakers," she informed me.

"Sneakers are sneakers," I replied. She smiled at me as she dragged me back into the shoe store. I was becoming a regular customer. At least the dweeb sales clerk didn’t approach us that evening. It was just a short time ago that Mom was blackmailing me to try on a pair of Mary Janes.

Mom selected a very feminine pair of sneakers for me to try on. They looked a little silly over my pantyhose, but felt perfect. White with light pink outlines. Somehow, they made my feet look smaller. "Those will go well with your new jeans and skirts," Mom said. I hugged her and thanked her again. At least I wouldn’t have a hard time convincing Mom that I needed to be a girl. She already thought I was one. This time I left the store wearing my maryjanes. The pantyhose just seemed a bit much with the sneakers. We made our way back to the Coffee Shoppe and ordered up some fresh brew. We sat at one of the tables overlooking the main mall.

"Sweetheart, are you feeling all right?" she asked with some concern in her voice.

"I feel great Mom! Why do you ask?" She looked at me and told me it seemed like I was losing weight. I hadn’t been consciously trying to lose weight, but I was pleased with her comment and told her so.

"Mom, is there a lipstick made that doesn’t come off on everything?" I asked her remembering the coffee cup and cigarette earlier.

"Why Joan, is your lipstick coming off on all the boys you’ve been kissing?" she said teasingly. Now she was scaring me. Should I tell her I was a lesbian? I had enough gender issues already without confusing her further.

"Mom! I’m serious!" I made sure that she understood me.

"Well Joan, to be honest some last longer than others. The ones that do last forever look pretty crappy though," she said and laughed. "There are few decent middle of the road ones out there. Finish your coffee and we’ll go check them out."

Mom seemed really happy to have her "little girl" at last. I found myself welcoming the changes that were taking place. We made our way back to the pharmacy and viewed the endless selection of lip colors. I found myself drawn to the dark reds. Mom told me that such colors would only get me into trouble. I laughed at her comment. I finally decided on a color called "Never Ending Rose" from the L’Oreal Endless line. It was a very dark pink and made my lips look inviting. One application was supposed to last eight hours. I soon discovered that they’d named the product line appropriately. It was "Endless," however, not in the way intended. It really required "endless application" to look good. We took our purchases and made our way home.

I found myself looking forward to future shopping sessions with Mom. Knowing how I’d viewed Mom just a few weeks ago, I began to worry for my own sanity. Part of me felt like I was doing something wrong. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t, but I couldn’t get past the guilt and the shame. I had hopes that things would be helped with the TG meeting tomorrow night. We arrived home and I scooted upstairs with my new purchases. A new dress, a skirt and top, some jeans and a bathing suit! My wardrobe was certainly increasing.

"I’m sorry Joan," Mom said as I came back downstairs.

"You’re sorry? What are you sorry for?" I asked her.

"I’m sorry that you weren’t born a girl," she said as her eyes filled with tears. That could be taken as a double edged sword. Was she sorry for me, or for herself?

"It’s all right Mom," I told her. "I’m just happy to finally know who I am." She held me tightly and refused to let go. More than a few tears escaped our eyes.

"Would you like some cocoa?" I asked her. She smiled at me and said she should be the one comforting me and not the other way around. "It’s ok Mom, and would you?" She laughed and said that she’d love a cup. I made my way into the kitchen and let the dog out. Shandy had been very quiet today. The hot chocolate beverage served, Mom asked me what I hoped to accomplish at the meeting tomorrow night. I told her that I honestly had no idea, but knew that I had to go. It would help just to know that there were others out there like me. Mom nodded in understanding. We sat and talked about everything. She asked if I was excited about my hair appointment on Saturday. I assured her that I was.

Although September seemed like a life time away, I found myself wondering if I’d be able to go back to being John for the start of the new school year. At length I convinced myself that worrying about such things now wasn’t going to change anything.

"Thanks Mommy, for everything."

"Anything for my precious daughter." I cleaned up the cups and put them in the dishwasher. I bade Mom goodnight and headed up to my room. Strange new feelings were taking hold of my psyche. Joan was assuming her proper role in my life. I doubted that John had the strength to suppress her. I found myself hoping that he didn’t as sleep overtook me…

Notes:

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