You Can’t Escape from Justice Part 01
Selena
Kit was just a normal kid in what he thought was a normal family and he was happy with his life until one day his entire world was shattered in an instant.
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Chapter One:
I was born in Weaver, Illinois to Sara and Kit Walker, they named me Kit, I had two older sisters Willow, was the oldest and Dalia was the second oldest. Growing up in my family was far from a normal and uneventful life because even though I was a dud and had no magic, my mother and sisters did, and I knew all about The Unseen. They were always using magic around the house and I was so jealous. My sisters however were never malicious about it and were extremely kind to me. They would always play with me and usually didn’t mind me spending time with them if they had friends over.
I had a good family life. I’d been happy then, completely oblivious to the world, some can even say naíve. The first time I knew there was something different about my parents was when I overheard one of their conversations. They spoke about something called the White Rose and mentioned The Order several times. Being twelve at the time, I didn’t really put much stock in it. I should have paid more attention.
My entire world was shattered by a single event, which occurred shortly after my twelfth birthday.
I was coming home from school, happy that I got good grades on my newest report card. I wanted to show my parents how well I was finally doing. My joy and excitement were short-lived and abruptly turned into anxiety when I turned onto our street and saw that my mother was not in the garden tending to her roses, like she was everyday. My anxiety abruptly turned to fear and dread when I saw that the front door was hanging off its hinges.
I shook my head, trying to squash the memories and the pain that they brought with them. A curtain of my jet black hair fell across my face, I tucked it back behind an ear and continued to move stealthily along the rooftops as I followed my suspicious quarry. I glanced toward the horizon to check the suns position in the sky and it was almost dusk.
After that fateful day I vowed never to be complacent again and I also vowed that no matter how long it took, I was going to make them all pay for what they had done.
I discovered them on Wednesday on my way home. The Order, more scum for the chopping block. I had noticed someone acting suspiciously and on a hunch I followed him to a white Victorian style home with columns out front. I noticed several other men heading toward the house as well and they went inside and into some kind of lounge. I looked more closely and I noticed wooden stakes and many elegant silver swords in racks along the wall, feeling that my hunch was correct I stepped through a shadow near me and into a shadow under the window of the lounge.
There were at least twelve of them in the room.
I listened to their conversation and what I heard shocked me. “You remember that Were we found last month in the woods,” said the leader whose name was apparently Jason. “We pinned him to the ground with our swords and dripped hot wax in his eyes, then John you had the brilliant idea to beat him with the flat of our blades.”
“He begged for us to stop and asked why we would do such a thing to him, and then we beat him more,” loud raucous laughter echoed out the window, and I could not believe that they enjoyed such cruelty.
I thought that was the end but they went on, “then when he pleaded for us to end it we built that pyre and slowly burned the monster alive,” more gouts of laughter drifted out the window.
“The lord must be proud of us for removing another one of the devil’s children from the world,” said one man.
“Amen,” said the others.
“Speaking of which I’ve heard rumors of a filthy bloodsucker in the woods,” “Lets find him, and put this liquid silver into his bloodstream, after we stake him down and watch him screen for a couple hours.”
More laughter then another man spoke up, “lets not forget to cut off his eyelids and drip hot wax into his eyes the whole time,”
After the laughter died down I heard Jason say. “After several hours of that we should burn off his limbs one at a time, then slowly roast him over a fire, and then put him in a clearing where he will get plenty of sun and watch him writhe before his end.”
Cheers and shouts of approval from the men at their excitement of doing such cruel thing, sickened me these men were the real monsters.
“Lets go find the another of Satin’s spawn this Thursday night and send him from this world in a blaze of God’s light. Meet back here tomorrow night at 9:30 and we will arm ourselves for the hunt,” Jason said.
Knowing I had to act quickly I stepped back through the shadow under the window and began to move quietly, but quickly towards the forest.
I made it to the forest in around twenty minutes, I moved from treetop to treetop with the effortless grace I had mastered during my intense training. I searched for hours, using the many years of tracking in my arsenal but I was unable to locate the vampire who was supposed to be located in the woods.
Resigning myself to the fact that I would have to shadow The Order tomorrow evening I returned home to grab a shower and what little sleep I could before starting the new day.
The next day was uneventful and when evening arrived, I waited silently within view of the leader’s home for them to gather to go out on their hunt.
At first I feared I had missed them and was about to head to the forest when they started to arrive. It took them little over an hour to get properly organized and then they were on their way.
Returning my gaze to the men I followed them for another twenty minutes until they reached the forest. I moved silently from the rooftops to the treetops and shadowed them as they tried to move quietly through the forest. I say try because they didn’t have the proper training to move as stealthily as I could.
I decided to scout ahead of them to see if I could find the vampire first and if I determined he was not a monster then I would both warn him and help him escape or I might even protect him. I found him about three minutes later, he was very handsome with strong broad shoulders, and his muscles were visible under his shirt even from this distance. He was laying on his back gazing up at the stars, his long white hair a cushion under his head. I was too late to warn him though, because as soon as I saw him I realized The Order did as well.
The vampire noticed them as well, because he stood and looked them over and in a very pleasant voice he said, “Good evening gentleman what can I do for you this fine evening.” I looked into his eyes and could see the gentleness and sincerity there, I also could see laugh lines on his face. His words also helped to convey his gentle demeanor.
“We want you to die you bloodsucker,” they shouted, I was alarmed to notice that they had encircled the glade without my notice and had him surrounded.
“I have done no harm to anyone,” he said, and I could tell he was sincere.
“We don’t care all monsters must die, it is God’s will,” Jason stated as they started to advance toward him.
Realizing that this vampire was not a monster like many of his kind, and that he should be protected, I silently dropped down from the trees behind one of the Order and using my knife I slit his throat and silently lowered his body to the forest loam.
I then slipped up behind another of the men and silently dispatched him in a similar manner and proceeded from one to another until I had eliminated six of them, opening up a gap in their ring. I silently gestured from the undergrowth for him to take the chance and escape. He did and as soon as he was clear I stepped through a shadow and back through to one nearer to my home.
When I returned home I cleaned myself up and weary from the days activities I climbed into bed to get as much sleep as I could before the new day.
I was thinking about that handsome vampire I had seen last night and wondering if I would see him again. My shoulder being lightly shaken and a voice saying, “Selena did you hear that?” snapped me back to the present.
“Sorry I was just thinking,”
“You seem to do that quite a bit these days,” Julie said.
“I have a lot on my mind Jules, what didn’t I hear by way.”
“That due to an incident today, there will be no school Monday, so some emergency maintenance can be conducted on some of the school systems,“ she said.
Just then the final bell rang and we went to our lockers to collect our books, our lockers were side by side, we always picked ones next to each other.
“Did you get that homework for Mrs. Kramer done,” she asked.
“No but l have all weekend to do it and Monday,” I replied with a smile.
As we walked out the front doors, a flicker of movement immediately caught my eye, it was the vampire from last night standing under a tree and he was staring directly at me.
I could feel my heart start to beat faster, and then I turned to Julie and said, “Jules I’ll see you later.”
He motioned for me to come over to him and I did, when I got closer he said, “We need to talk.”
Title Page
Part 02->
Author's Note
My first major story comments are appreciated
Photo Credit: Singer Katie Melua+
Comments
Congratulations on your first story!
Looks like Kit had a rough life. I what will happen? Perhaps not just a physical change, but an emotional? It's not healthy living the rest of your life seeking vengeance.
Another Darkrealmer. EoF must be giddy over how many people that are writing in his universe.
...Must...Not...Join the Darkside!
Darkside
What is it they say about the dark side again. Something about cookies I think :)
You have piqued my interest
What kind of cookies, Mr. ofFun?
Cookies
Snickerdoodles, they're my favorite :)
Hmmm
I'm a Peanut Butter kinda girl.
What's the currency exchange rate for cookies?
Well...
It's two to one (snickers to peanut butter) last time I checked, but it could have changed in the last week or so. :3
Peace be with you and Blessed be
Nice start
I will definitely be waiting for more of this!
The word 'had' with regard to Kit's two sisters
... made my heart ache. It reminds me of the hate on for Trans people and all those who would gladly hunt us down. In a sense, all of us who pass really well are the 'Unseen' so this Universe series is an allegory for me.
Kim
CC
Okay, here we go; before I start let me say that I, in no way am I trying to offend or annoy or insult. I hope this is taken as constructive criticism.
Let me start by saying that this is by no means a bad story. Not a particularly good one, but not bad. A good start, I guess.
First, the intro, before the cut. It's a bit of a run-on sentence and it's structure is kinda weird, but that can be overlooked.
However, what can't be over looked was what the hunters said. Well, not necessarily what they said, but how they said it. Nobody talks like that. At all. In no context does anybody talk like that.
It was obvious that you tried to show these people as unnecessarily cruel and psychotic. But you didn't. You told us. Through their mouths.
The fact that they recounted them in a manner of "as you know" and in great detail makes that dialogue seem forced and unnatural.
However do not let this comment discourage you from writing or whatever. You are a very promising writer. I hope to read more from you.
Just my one cent, I guess.
~Anonymoose reviewer.
Good Start
Good start, look forward to reading more.
-Elsbeth
Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.
Broken Irish is better than clever English.
a good first chapter
this looks promising.
thanks for sharing it
Nice first story. I think you
Nice first story. I think you might flesh out the background a bit in the beginning to provide some continuity. There seemed to be a large gap missing.
The Gap
The Gap should be filled in as the story goes on.
the gap
like he said the gap was deliberate
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
I have to agree
Congratulations are in order, Posting your first story is a major accomplishment. From what you have shown us so far this is well thought out and flows really well. At times it seems a bit fast paced but with practice that will change.
Please continue to post and we will continue to read and comment.
The answers to all of life's questions can be found in the face of a true friend
I don't get this
At first we have a kid with no magic, and a paragraph later he is jumping in the top of trees?
explanation
Past is He
Now a She
I shook my head, trying to squash the memories and the pain that they brought with them.
A curtain of my jet black hair fell across my face, I tucked it back behind an ear and continued to move stealthily along the rooftops as I followed my suspicious quarry. I glanced toward the horizon to check the suns position in the sky and it was almost dusk.
first part is a flashback
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Only a guess mind you
but I think when they took his family and tortured them to death their magic went to him, the closest living relative.
This transformed him from a male dud to a female witch, proably one of considerable potential.
The vilans were abit extream but then fanatics of all kinds tend to not be firing an all cylnders mentally.
Hunm SHE thinks the male vampire is handsome?
Hum?
And this flitting from shadow to shadow? So she can shadow walk?
Nice start. Lots of bare threads but that's good. Pleanty to follow up on.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I have to agree with a point you made here.
To my knowledge, this male vamp is only the second one to be mention in any of the stories thus far, so consider my attention to be fully grabbed here. :)
Also, this "Shadow Walk/Flicker" ability thing looks like it would be a pretty handy skill to have.
Peace be with you and Blessed be
You Can't Escape From Justice Part 01
So, Kit becomes Selena and evidently a Slayer like Buffy. COOL!
May Your Light Forever Shine
stan no
just no, there is nothing similar to buffy, erase that thought
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Good story
Nice start,I look foreward to the next part.Thank you.
devonmalc
A fast paced ride...
I like it! >:D
Seriously, Enough of the past was explained to pique my interest and the present has just enough information to be mysterious. But it's made all the more alluring because of that.
In so far as "human" groups go, we have the Order of the White Rose, the Black Crosses and the Order of the Divine Heart (the Hunters). The good, the bad, and the psycho?
Peace be with you and Blessed be
white rose
loki they aren't human
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Humans
Witches are closer to human than any other Unseen so technically they are human. What you're looking for is that they're not Norms.
Really don't do vampires or magic...
But, if the writing is good enough then I will sometimes follow a story. Your writing is engaging, and not full of obvious errors. It is nice.
Gwendolyn
I read through the others
I read through the others comments. And many helpful suggestions are there. Remember that the story you weave must have good clear signposts for the reader to follow. I was confused until I read some of the comments, bringing to light the changes.
Helpful clues should be present when flashbacks are flashbacks. This is to assist the reader to changes so that they don't need to figure out what is going on, and can enjoy the flow of the story. Simple thigns like changing the text to italics would change things significantly from flashback to present. Or simply putting date markers on them, or even possibly a location like in movies "Washington D.C. Lincoln Memorial, Present Day" would help. Based upon the number of confused reader posts, it should be evident that this is something that needs worked on.
Example:
It was my 28th birthday, I stared at the old faded blue gift in my hand, unwilling to open it. Not wanting to because of the painful memories that it brought up. If I opened it I would find out if it was one of my dad's infamous joke gifts, or if it was one of his more serious meaningful gifts. He could make every one laugh at the expense of the person receiving it, or bring tears of joy so fast that there were several moist eyes in the room. Unwilling to risk the thought that he was making a joke of me, I put the gift back in my closet and closed the door.
My dad brought a blue wrapped present to the breakfast table. "Here sport, when your mom gets home after school we can open this. Happy 16, son."
Leaving I said "Thanks dad, See ya after school!" I did not even turn around to wave good bye as I got on the bus. Later when the principal came and got me out of class I got the worst birthday present in my life.
Without clear notations or "landmarks" for the reader to follow the reader can quickly become confused. As I was very confused that a 12 year old was playing crouching tiger and hopping from tree to tree like a silent monkey. And this same 12 year old was suddenly without callous able to down 6 people silently, quietly and brutally efficient. I was thinking 12 year old assassin? Also bear in mind the age 16 is really signifigant in the DarkRealms Universe and this 12 year old assassin was very confusing to me.
It would be helpful for future readers of this story that when you publish later chapters, that you also slightly modify and clean up this chapter. Perhaps some clearer markers than 8* characters to break up parts. To help assist the reader.
Your narrative is very wonderful, the power of description is very clean. I enjoyed this introduction to a story.
One more thing. Make sure you credit your photo, as that is a famous singer, and they may take offense to you using their photo without their permission. At least a photo disclaimer. :P
Events
Interesting start, with plenty of promise for more action in future. The introductory flashback is also a useful narrative device for framing the current events.
So Sara and Kit (senior) had three children: Willow, Dahlia and Kit. We assume that all four were at home together and killed by The Order on Kit's twelfth birthday, and for reasons yet to be explained The Order didn't hang around to kill him (I suppose it's just as well they Did Not Do The Research, as we wouldn't have a story if Kit had been killed as well!).
Some time later (but while Kit is still of school age), Kit now appears to be called Selina and is residing with someone called Julie, but seems to have settled down into a fairly normal life, unless you count the rather dangerous single-woman campaign against the local branch of The Order. I'm guessing that an ability to hide in the shadows may be part of her powers.
-oOo-
However, in future chapters it would be helpful if you signposted changes in time a bit more (either directly in the narrative or prefixing segments with the relevant year or even "Then" and "Now"). The change from the past to the present, which I think starts with "I shook my head", I initially misread as taking place in the past. I was a little confused over "suspicious quarry", but it took a few paragraphs to realise we were now talking about a different point in time.
-oOo-
Other than that though, you've got the beginnings of a good story, with plenty of potential for action and violence - no doubt combined with several more narrow escapes!
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
My guess is that
Since kit was a dud, that the Order didn't consider him to be one of the Unseen and therefore not be a threat, so didn't they target him.
~~~
I was also confused by the transition from the past to the present and had to go back and read it a couple of times to understand what was going on. Adding some sort of sign post to show the transition form then to now would be a huge improvement.
~~~
Great start to this story!
I'm a little confused.
How does Kit go from the street to the rooftops to follow the men of The Order, and how is it he can just magically go from the house tops to the tree tops without being noticed and how can Kit silently move like an invisible gnome when Kit does not possess any magic?
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
its not kit anymore and you
its not kit anymore and you will see
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Liked it so far
Any chance you can release the next one faster? I read this and said to myself, "My, that's enticing. I wonder how it would taste." :P
Keep up the good work.