Jesse has inherited his Grandfather’s ranch and now must fight his father to keep it while on a quest to find Coyote and his spirit animal.

In Western Native American lore Coyote was either the maker of the earth or the messenger to those who made the earth. It was Coyote who was tricked in making death a part of life. I apologize to any who may be offended by my use of Coyote. He is central to the story and used with much respect. Native Americans have much for which to be respected; their love and care of the earth and the sacrifices made for this great land
I hope you enjoy my first attempt a story for Big Closet. Please, any comments that will help me become a better write are always welcome. And, if I have borrowed anything from someone unknowingly, please forgive me.

Once again, thanks go to Hope for her help in editing the story. Any further slips, drips or errors are solely mine. I must apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I have placed way too many irons in my fire right now. I will work at reducing the number of irons or find more fire. Thank you all for your comments and for reading the story. Barb

The White Wolf Chapter -7- Nightmares and Confessions

Jesse watched while Two Bears began to build the drying rack with the saplings she had cut earlier. Then she watched as Two Bears began to cut strips of meat off the carcass and skin the hide off the animal. Native Americans wasted very little of a kill. Two Bears would throw tid bits to Jesse that she would pluck out of the air when he threw them to her. Big Spot grazed lazily by the lake even though there was a wolf nearby. Jesse walked over to him and watched him a minute.

She thought, {{Big Spot isn't afraid of me.}}

{{No, little one I'm not afraid of you. I know you as my friend.}}

{{Big Spot you can understand me!}} Jesse said with surprise.

{{Why are you surprised little one? Didn't Two Bears tell you he spoke to the puma?}}

{{You understood Two Bears as he was speaking to me? I thought animals understood little that was said to them.}}

{{That is true most of the time, but while you were in the lodge seeking Coyote, Two Bears and I talked about many things. He said you may be changed to a wolf and that I shouldn't be afraid, and that you wouldn't hurt me. He said when you change back to a human we may not be able to speak again.}}

{{I hope we can still speak with each other when I change back. It’s much nicer to ask a friend for a ride than to demand a ride.

Jesse stretched and said, {{It has been a long day for me. I am going to the lodge to sleep. If it gets too cold tonight, I'll have Two Bears throw my sleeping bag over you. It may not be much, but it might help.}} She trotted over to the lodge and sat at the entrance a minute to watch Two Bears continue to strip the carcass of the meat. She entered the lodge and found her big winter coat. Pawing and nipping at the zipper she managed to get it undone. She tried to pull the coat over her as curled into a ball under the coat.

She was just dropping off to sleep when Two Bears came in to check on her. He gently adjusted the coat so that it covered Jesse completely. Jesse woke enough to say, {{Thank you. And if you would, please undo my sleeping bag and put it over Big Spot in case it gets cold tonight.}} Then she was asleep.

Jesse had laid in enough fire wood to last for two days. The spirits had taken over the lodge during his praying and fasting so that there was plenty left in the lodge to last through the night. Two Bears took some coals from the fire and started a fire under the strips of meat to begin drying and smoking them. Smoked meat lasts longer than raw or cooked meat. He took the hide of the cow and covered the entrance so that there would be enough draft to keep the fire going but not enough to cause the lodge to become cold. He checked on Big Spot and placed Jesse's sleeping bag over the horse to help it stay warm. He wrapped the saddle blanket around his shoulders when he went to check on the drying fire and would sit to pray and admire the stars.

Jesse woke in the middle of the night to find Two Bears sitting by the drying fire. She walked over to the old man and stood quietly watching him.

“The stars are beautiful up here,” said Two Bears. “You can't see them in the city. When I was younger you could see more of them. A little higher up and they seem to not twinkle. It’s good to come here and pray. There's way too much busy-ness down among the people.” Two Bears sighed.

{{How did you know I was here?}}

“I felt your spirit. It is strong little one. You move silently like the wolf, but you have much to learn before you can sneak up on an old Indian like me.”

{{When I was before the Great Spirit, He scratched behind my ears and stroked my fur. I like the feeling of that. Is that why my spirit is so strong, because He touched me}}

“Your spirit was already strong. I felt it when I met you at the cemetery. But yes, your spirit is stronger.”

{{He said because my Grandmother wanted a granddaughter, He let Coyote's trick of turning me into a girl stand. I have no objections. Can you tell me why?}}

“When I met you in the cemetery, though your spirit was strong, I could tell it was different. In some Native American cultures those who were born one sex but lived their lives as the other where considered special. They could see both sides. Often they would become what the white men call shamans or medicine men.”

{{I never considered myself a girl. I only cross dressed to please my Grandmother. I guess ‘please’ is not the right word as it seemed to comfort her. She took the loss of my aunt hard and never seemed to fully recover. With my long hair and slight build, they say I looked a lot like my aunt.}}

“I'm tired little one. Let's rebuild this fire and sleep till morning. We can talk about this more in the morning.”

Jesse dragged some sticks over to Two Bears, who placed them on the fire. Two Bears placed some larger logs on the fire. After making sure everything would be safe for the night. Jesse and Two Bears crawled into the lodge. Jesse curled up under her coat. Two Bears added more fuel to the fire to warm the lodge. He checked the draft of the smoke hole. Two Bears laid the saddle blanket on the ground then covered himself with a sleeping skin he had carried. He listened to Jesse sleeping for a few minutes before he let sleep over take him.

Jesse was exhausted and slept soundly most of the night. Toward morning she began to dream again about the wolves. She had been running and hunting with them. Three of the big males tried to mount her and make her their mate. She would fight them off, but they would continue to stalk her. She woke up whimpering from the dream. When she realized she was still in the lodge. She pushed a few more sticks on the fire with her nose. She was careful not to get too close as to keep her fur from the sparks and flame. She crawled back under her coat and went back to sleep. She wasn't asleep long before she was dreaming again. This time it was about Gabriel Johnston. They were married and she was giving birth to their first child. After the mid-wife cleaned up the baby, she handed it to Jesse. Jesse held the child close to her breast and it began to suckle. She looked down at the baby. It had the ears, nose and tail of a wolf. Its eyes were not open. This so startled Jesse, that she woke with a yip.

Two Bears was already stirring when he heard Jesse yip. He looked over at her and asked, “Are you okay? You have been growling in your sleep and now more noises. Those must have been some powerful dreams.”

{{Not dreams, more like nightmares, I dreamed I was running and hunting with the wolves and the large males were trying to mount me to make me their mate. I had to keep fighting them off. In the other dream, I gave birth to my first child whose father was Gabe. It had the ears, nose and tail of a wolf.}}

“Sometimes dreams and nightmares can be visions of warnings or blessings. Your first dream is probably a warning. Coyote told you not to take a mate from the pack. Your second dream is maybe that your child will follow you in running with the pack. I don't know for sure. You must ask the Great Spirit to give the interpretations.”

As they crawled out of the lodge, they found that they awoke to a frost covering the area. The grass seemed to crunch under foot. Jesse pulled some more sticks over to the drying fire for Two Bears. Two Bears removed some of the meat off the rack that seemed to be drying slower than the rest. They would eat this for breakfast. Jesse trotted over to Big Spot to check on the horse.

{{Good morning Big Spot. Did you sleep well?}}

{{It was a cool. I stood watch after you went to bed. I'll nap in the sun later today.}}

{{Thank you for standing watch. I'm glad you did. Do you need me to pull the blanket off you?}}

{{I'll wear it until the sun removes the frost.}}

{{Okay}} Jesse walked back over to the drying fire that Two Bears was using to cook their breakfast.

Jesse asked {{Is the meat cooked? I'm hungry after those dreams last night.}}

“Yes, they're done.” They sat and ate their breakfast. Two Bears walked to the lake and cleaned the cooking utensils. When he came back he added some more wood to the fire and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders.

“Jesse you asked me why I thought the Great Spirit let Coyote's trick remain. Let me ask you a couple of questions. Why did you start wearing your aunt's clothes?”

{{When I was eight, my father put me on a plane to spend my summer out here. My Grandparents met me in Helena. Unfortunately, the airline lost my luggage. My Grandfather was going to stop at a department store and buy me some clothes. My Grandmother said that she thought that she still had some of my dad's old clothes at the house. There was no need to waste money. When we got to the house, we found out that Grandmother had given all the boy clothes away. She had kept many of my aunt's clothes. Girls just don't want to wear out of date clothing. So she put me in my aunt's clothes.}}

“Did you like it?”

{{I was embarrassed at first. I thought everyone would tease me, but the ranch hands just told me how nice I looked and didn't laugh at me. By the end of the week, we were to go into town and get me some more clothes, but I was so comfortable in the girl’s clothes, they let me stay in them. I stayed in my aunt's clothes all summer. I didn't have any toys to play with, so I played with my aunt's toys and dolls.}}

“You didn't answer the question. Did you like being a girl all summer?”

Jesse paused a moment to think about his answer. {{I did enjoy dressing as a girl and playing with my aunt's things. I enjoyed spending time helping my Grandmother. So...Yes, I did enjoyed pretending to be a girl.

{{I like the time I got to be a boy on the ranch too. The riding, roping, and shooting were fun. I spent a lot of time with my Grandfather with our heads under the hood of one vehicle or another. I guess the ranch hands just thought I was a tomboy.}}

“What did your parents say when you got back home?”

{{The airline sent my luggage back home. When I got home Dad asked me what I wore all summer. I told him that I wore the clothes that Grandmother had for me. He asked why I didn't bring any back. I told him that I left them there in case the airline lost my luggage again. He didn't ask any more questions after that. Still he started treating differently like he knew and was ashamed of me.}}

“Why do you say that?”

{{He would take me out in the yard to play catch with me. He would throw so hard it hurt. If I complained, he would call me a sissy and tell me to suck it up. He would make me run if I cried. Other days he would make me lift weights until it hurt. The mornings I couldn't get out of bed because it hurt so badly, he would call me a sissy again and stomp out the door. I never did bulk up like the other boys. Even after puberty. The ranch was my refuge. Grandpa and I would do things around the ranch like roping and shooting. I would help him with some of the mechanic work he liked doing. I still liked to put on my aunt's clothes and help my Grandmother around the house.}}

“I didn't mean to bring up the bad memories. I was trying to show you that you are special. That you can see both sides. You've lived life as a boy and partially as a girl, now you get to live your life as a girl. You have already been through many struggles that make you stronger in spirit. This trick of turning you into a girl may have been a test by Coyote to see if your spirit was strong enough. When the Great Spirit let you remain as a girl that was His trick on Coyote. It may be hard on you when you return to the valley as a girl. Those that knew you as a boy may not accept you as a girl.”

As Two Bears was finishing his comment, they heard a howl in the distance. Jesse's ears perked up. Two Bears asked, “Are you going to answer them?”

{{I don't know how. I have only spoken to them as a human.}}

“This will be easy little one. Instead of just thinking with your mind, open your heart and mouth and see what comes out,” Said Two Bears.

Jesse walked a little way from Two Bears. She took a breath and opened her mouth. Nothing came out. Two Bears said “You’re trying too hard. Remember you're a wolf. Let the wolf come out.”

She took another breath, opened her mouth and said {{I AM HERE!}} only it came out as several howls and yaoos.

“Very good.” said Two Bears. “Not bad for your first howl.”