(These are things going through Hikari's mind laying in bed with a blunt in her mouth)

June likes that semi-fem Hikari is different, Junes a bit protective; Hikari goes through a hard time. trouble with school, and pressures; things with family and questioning; aunti bumming, pappy missing (not being there), people fucking, ages confirming and girls teasing.

Light a candle for your lost

A Taste of herb on your mouth whisks away

Sucking in visions and blowing out memories

Roll over to see your panda bear

A possible breathing lump of plush and air

You wonder if he ever spoke a word. Then you hear a wisper, see a movement out of the corner of your eye, and think 'I just missed it'.

You open your wallet to see a picture of your mom, she looks like the sparkle in your eyes, 'She’s an angel' Aunti says 'Watches over us for me' she says somewhat odditily.

Where is she?; you think she’s at work, but this isn’t home, and..
Is it dads?

‘Come on, lets go to sleep’, Hikari says aloud hugging her panda bear.

Danielle, Hikari’s dads girlfriend, puts covers on her and throws away the cone, she probably kisses you too:-would mum approve’ Hikari thought.
‘They probably fuck & that’s why she’s here, one of mums an dads friends back when,,’

‘Girls call it suicide, suicidal freak - Stays in during recess - eats with councilor - cries in bathroom - freak-‘

‘I probably wont go next time ‘ thinking shallowly, I prolly will go kill myself — me who’s introduced to a friend me own age and cries to death’
‘Tried going drunk once an’ nurse, that’s how ie got ze councilor,, nice bitch nurse is.’
‘And I’ def’ a lesbi too, lest me crushes ane’, fluctuations_ tried to talk to aunti once bout 'em , said..
'Lesbian eh, so you want to marry a girl? be a father that way too,' she is saying with a strange frown on her face. 'Cause your dad said for your 13 or 14th birthday right.'

And that’s when I flushed up. almost screamed like a bitty little baby the girls say I am,
But I just looked down and mumbled 'no..no' and went outside.

‘We have a nice swing, there’s 3 actually Auntie’s boyfriend helped us build 'em (before he got sick) for each of us, Auntie, me, and him, I sat in the middle one, for he and Aunti were to be married soon. (and it’d be like a family) --before he got, you knoe,, but-‘
At supper I was still down but trying to be normal. I think Aunti noticed, cus she started frowning more.

At school I dint leave the bathroom till classes and went to nurses,, soon I’ll take poison and be with a councilor.
And I’ve got 2+2/3 years left,
And I dint want to cus she never wanted me to do this in the first place.
She argues is would be easier, better, custody problems with Grammie would be resolved and..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daddy kissed Hikari good morning 'Wake up Poppy-blossom'. And Hikari hugged on, She thought it was tight, but slipped off, He helped Her off the bed though.

'Dani's got breakfast' He told her, He’d have to go to work soon.

Hikari was putting on a slip and shawl and did wonder why she thought they were fucking_ ‘Dani even has her own apartment,’ She thought ‘she’s just staying here for me.’

Hikari went to the bath and rinsed her mouth and Danielle gave her a big hug,
Hikari and Danielle had a hearty breakfast, Her dad only took a snack and went to his car 'lover you ~~~, ~~~~ ~~' They seamed to say to one another, He had kissed her and hugged her and then left for his work with Hikari and Danielle waving and watching at the doorway.

This day was apparently planned, tripping they fed her pets and plants.
Hikari lit a candle for mum — ‘Aunti and Celest tell me it helps me see her presence easyerly clear.’ She tole Dani.
Devotion, and a Shop _ ‘Dad thinks if he gets me a gift every time i see him the memory will last, and Danielle seams too, too.’ Hikari thought.

Then They had lunch.

Hikari was thinking about last night in the car and she asked if she could talk to Danielle about something.
'Not right now’ She informed, ‘but, it’s real super important and I’m scared and' Hikari cried again.
Danielle hugged her and patted her hair down,

At lunch she gave Hikari some wine and asked if She was ready to talk yet.
And Hikari tried to trick Herself ‘:about what? are you and dad fucking?:She thought. ‘ … . last night’ She told herself.
Hikari spoke “you, you dad,” ”Daddy works a lot”

‘yes he does’ Danielle started to say.
“Clause is sick, Aunti’s sad”
“I’m a freak" Hikari got out in her "’slip it out anyway poseeible" method.

“Who called you that?” She asked.
Hika looked up and in dani’s eyes.
“girls_ school, 'counciler’”.~crie~' She stuttered.

Danielle hugged her still. And said “Honey, your going through so much more than probably any of those girls like that there are”

Hikari thought ‘I was going to say about the lesbi thing but dint know how to get it out.’
“With Joan, your Mom and your Aunts boyfriend, this situation and realizing your not exactly like them.”
“I’m a lesbi' and I should be_” ‘I couldn’t say it.’ She thought.
“I’ll do suicide, mom did and I failed and, and crazy.” ‘I don’t really think Mom did but, she dint speak up.!.’ Hikari thought.

“And marks are appearing” Hikari spoke up.
“What type of marks” Danielle asked, concerned and trying to decipher all this.
‘Is The wine is at its peak?’ they both wondered.

Hikari lifted her shirt and Danielle probably saw the dozens of small cuts and scabs because she closed her eyes and said a prayer.
Danielle held her tightly, kissed her forehead and said “I love you.‘ Then “Can you promise me something?”
Hikari nodded.
“To try to be a good girl and when it hurts please call me”, Danielle spoke sternly.
‘"Ill’" - Then She put on her cheerful smile and said
“I love you Danielle , Dan I’ve a question to ask are you and my dad. . . together?, And I have a big wish to thank you cus, though I dint say what I really really sickly terrified of and why I think I’m going to suicide like they say I will because mum did though that’s jus’ a very VERY truly cruel lie someone made up and I’m beginning to think it was me because sometimes I think I really am crazy cus of various things most of all because I do Truelly see her, you know even ' ' talk to her sometimes, though lately, because of that thing I’m - deathly terrifies of - ok, its that my -- ~’
“Well, -(smile) I love you-“ And she spoke some of the haunting thoughts.

“I’m supposed to be" She had the hardest time Saying simply Normal.
She hugged her again and smiled.
“Where do you wanta go you want to go to Stevens, your dads place or mine or whatever.” Danielle spoke kinda tiredly.

In the car after a bit while Danielle said “You know why you’re not like other girls,-you don’t have any good friends.”
‘I was going to say I did, but I moved. And thought that would be wrong. To tell her no, and maybe just inaccurate.’
At home they both made cookies and played a game. And that was what I remembered from my 4th grade febuary vacation.

Tue: feb vacation: |{I met her when I got home}|