Christmas miracles are real, they happen at moments of great need. My miracle came just moments before I leapt to my death.

Warning: This story revolves around an attempted suicide.

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It is the night before Christmas again. Another year has passed by full of shattered dreams and crushed hopes. Wandering the path on the heads looking out of the ocean is better than returning to my lonely unit where only a cardboard tasting microwave dinner sits in my near empty freezer waiting for me. Puddles of water rest in the pavement cracks and off to the side of the path showing evidence of the pouring rain earlier in the day.

The Gap is an amazingly beautiful place on the southern head at the entrance to Sydney Harbour. The views are stunning even on a dark wet evening like tonight. The weather matches my mood which even the savage beauty of the coast can no longer fix.

I’m at a loss as to how I can face the family tomorrow and let them know that I lost my job today. The latest cruel blow in a string of blows suffered this year. I barely scraped together enough money to buy any presents for the family. Just 26 years old, unemployed and soon to be homeless and given the expense of Sydney; very little chance of turning it around without a miracle. I might get a few weeks on a couch at a relative’s but there are very few job openings for young people as everyone wants years of experience, which becomes a catch-22.

Leaning against the fence I look out over the edge at the 90 meter drop to the jagged rocks and thundering ocean below. It would be so easy to climb the 1.3 meter fence and take that final step. What have I to live for now? University debt, Credit card debt, a pathetic job market, impossibly inflated housing market driving house prices up and forever out of reach while also driving the rent up or perhaps the agony of trying to find a way to tell my family the one secret I never shared with another soul. It sure sounds like many great things to live for.

*I wonder how long it will take to fall 90 meters* I think as I stare into the swirling dark water in the fading light. There are very few people around now as people are hurrying home to spend the night with their families anticipating a day of joy tomorrow.

I grip the railing tighter and prepare to pull myself up and over the railing when a hand lands on my shoulder and I hear a voice.

“You don’t have to jump”

I let go of the railing and turn to face a woman who looked to be about 50 and had a very worried look on her face mixed with a little relief.

“It’s for the best if I jump, I’ve got nothing to live for and no one will even notice I’m gone” I replied wondering why I let her stop me

“I know it isn’t for the best and despite what you think there is guaranteed to be at least one person in your life who will miss you. I see in your eyes the same thing I saw in my daughter’s eyes last year when we had a terrible fight.” She took a moment to look me direct in the eyes and take a deep breath before she continued. “I’ll never forgive myself for what happened and give all my spare time to trying to prevent anyone else going through my pain. There are always options.”

“I’m sorry that happened, but you know nothing about me or my life so how can you even begin to think you know what’s best for me. Fine; I won’t jump, you can go on about your day”

She looked at me sadly at that and suppressed a little laugh

“You think I’m going to fall for that. The only thing stopping you right now is me being here. “
She had me there. I didn’t want an audience while I contemplated those final moments. The last thing I needed was distractions.

“That still doesn’t mean you know me and I don’t know you either.”

“True, my name is Annie and I would like to know you because just talking about it can help. If you don’t want to talk to me the signs clearly point out there are phones just over there which connect to a lifeline where a counsellor can talk to you. I don’t have to hurry anywhere and you don’t think you have anywhere important to be either”

Why did she have to be so logical? There were signs everywhere with messages of hope and directions to call lifeline but I didn’t want to be talked out of this, did I? Yet another failure in my life, I can’t even successfully complete suicide.

“Well Annie, they only help people and as my father was kind enough to point out just the other day to my brother when he didn’t know I was also there I’m less than a nothing person who fails at everything. If he was here he would probably help toss me over the fence as I was taking too long to get the job done”

Annie’s eyes watered slightly at my words and she tried to draw me into a hug that I resisted. I only just met her but for some reason I was alright with sharing my story but no physical contact.

“Oh my, are you sure he really meant it? He may have just been saying that and you took it out of context.”

I had to laugh at that.

“There was no mistaking the context. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough for my father. Every single choice I made in life is wrong. He even has a list that he goes through every single time he sees me. I won’t miss the lectures on how every choice I’ve ever made in life is wrong or how I fail at every single thing I try. I wasn’t first in my class at school so that’s a fail. I couldn’t play team sports to save my life so I fail there as well. Individual sports were just as bad so sports all over are a fail and sports are a big thing to my father.”

It felt so good to finally be able to tell anyone of this. Years of torment came rushing out.

“Naturally, instead of being happy that I got into university it was wrong because I was doing the wrong degree. I should have been focused on a Business degree looking at sales and marketing because that’s where all the money is. Naturally I did a marketing class in a free elective and hated every second of it and was hardly surprised that I failed the class proving it was a big waste of time and money and reinforcing the notion that I can’t do anything right. Then I got the job I just lost which was the wrong job for the wrong company and he will be over the moon with delight when he gets to lecture me when he finds out I got fired. If he was here right now he would probably throw me over the edge himself because am taking too long to get it done and about to fail at yet another thing I attempted. I bet he would love to gloat over me failing to kill myself.”

Annie looked shocked at my words not wanting to believe that such a person could exist.

“Surely he can’t really be that bad? No father would gloat over a failed suicide attempt. Well, what about your mother or your brother? Don’t you think they might miss you?”

I winced at that. My mother was probably the only person who would notice me missing and care enough to feel something.

“My brothers would be fighting over my few possessions. They are totally unlike me and tend to agree with my father. Mum is probably the only person on this wretched planet who would miss me even a little but she says all she ever wanted for all of us is to be happy and that is impossible. I can’t be happy in this life and by suffering on I just make her miserable and cause wonderful occasions to turn into nasty fights. Lunch tomorrow will be a trial especially when they find out I lost my job. That will set the tone and I will have ruined yet another Christmas. If I’m dead then I can’t keep ruining everything and perhaps I will find happiness in the next life, if there is one, but at the very least the pain and suffering will end.”

Annie looked thoughtfully at me when I said that as I gave the opening that she hoped existed as there was a chance she might be able to save me now. If there was no opening then it was only a matter of time before the end came.

“Do you have to go to see your family? From your words you are hardly close to any of them and you could still speak to your mother by phone or email. You say you can’t possibly find happiness in this life but from the sound of it just getting away from your family would change things”

I wished it was as simple as Annie said but I know I could never be happy because it was impossible for me to be me. Quite simply I knew inside that I should have been born a girl but my large fat and disgusting body could never pass as a woman, I would never look like anything other than a guy in a dress even if I had the surgery and went on hormones. Perhaps a few million dollars’ worth of plastic surgery would do it but I was a few million dollars short of that goal.

“If only it was that simple, Annie. Even if I moved away I still would be unemployed and I would be homeless there and living off the dole would mean all the money I had would go purely on rent and food with nothing left for anything else. I still couldn’t become who I am inside, an impossible dream anyway. Typical, really, isn’t it? The one thing I want more than anything is impossible which once again proves my father’s point. Unless you can give me the winning lotto numbers there is nothing you or anyone else can give me. I have nothing to live for but pain and agony. I can’t suffer in silence anymore.”

Once more I turned and looked out at the dark ocean churning below the cliffs inviting me to jump.

“It really is that simple. You are in a bad spot losing your job just before Christmas and not having the support of your family. I don’t need to know who you are inside because it is enough that you are a person and you need to stop letting the words of your father ruin your life. You are young and things will pick up. Sure you might have a tough time for the next while before you find a new job that will re-instate your self-worth. It is always darkest before the dawn and the sun will come out tomorrow; you will see. It also seems to me that you really need to find a qualified person to talk to about your other issues. I can see you are very unhappy but there is hope. You just needed someone to listen to you for a short time and help you see the path doesn’t end at the bottom of this cliff. You can make something of yourself and you don’t have to be a victim anymore.”

Annie’s words hit me. I don’t know what she got out of this. Stopping a stranger from ending their life wouldn’t bring back her daughter or stop her feeling guilty so what was her angle.

“It is easy for you to say. Have you hit rock bottom before?”

“I wanted to follow my daughter over the edge but a man stopped me and spoke with me like I am doing with you. He made me realise that I could make something of the terrible tragedy and that not all hope was lost. I know at rock bottom you forget that there is hope that things will get better. I was there but he helped me and I hope I helped you and that you will pay it forward to someone else if you find yourself in the position.”

And there was the motivation, paying forward the kindness of a stranger. Could I really find a way out of this? Was there really hope or were they simply hollow words? Is there really anyone out there that really understands my problems and would be willing to help me?

“You aren’t just making this up are you? There really is a chance that things could pick up and that severing contact with my family would help?”

“If only I was making it up, it would be far easier if I never had such a dark chapter in my life but life is seldom fair. As far as your family goes I can’t say for sure but you should seek out a counsellor as it sounds like you have things you need to work out there. Finally; yes things can pick up and get better. For all you know you will find the perfect job shortly and then find a person who can really connect with you and help you with your problems.”

I took a long hard look out at the sea. There was no chance of ending it now. I had to see where this road would take me. Annie shone a light on the path I failed to see.

“Thank you, Annie, if you didn’t happen to come by when you did I wouldn’t be here now and perhaps you are right and things will get better but I have to see now. Do you think I could call or email you some time if I need to talk?”

I was hesitant to ask the last thing lest she think I was coming on to her but she was twice my age and more like a mother than a potential friend.

“Well, I would but you have to give me your name first. All this time and you have shared so much with me but I can’t have Mr Anonymous calling me or sending me an email.”

I almost let out another laugh. How can she make me want to laugh so much when I was in this deep dark pit of despair? And my name which name should I give her. I longed to share my secret name with someone. Would Annie understand that despite how horrible I would look I was really Angela hidden under this facade? No, I best just give her the name of the facade. I can’t share Angela with anyone right now or I may still go over the edge if she didn’t understand or worse laughed. They would all laugh. No one would believe I could ever pass as a woman and if I even mentioned the possibility no matter how remote the laughter would last all night. That is an agony I can do without right now.

“Hi Annie, my name is Nick and I wish we could’ve met under better circumstances”

“I agree with that Nick. Here is my mobile and email. Call me if you ever feel you need to talk but don’t forget that you should also find a professional as they can help you work through the problem”

Annie handed me a slip of paper and I wondered if she was seeing someone to help with her problem but I didn't want to pry.

“Well, since my evening plans have been ruined I should probably head home and nuke my dinner. Thanks for everything, Annie. I guess Christmas miracles aren’t only in movies and books. Happy Christmas”

With that I turned to walk down the path away from the edge and back to the parking lot where I could catch the bus home.

“It will be now. Remember my words and yes Christmas miracles are real”

Annie called after me

As I waited for the bus I reflected on the conversation and decided I should really try this time to find a counsellor or therapist. Just because my previous attempt was a disaster doesn’t mean the next one would. Annie showed me that and if she was wrong then there was always another night.

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I would like to thank both Andrea Lena DiMaggio and Djkauf for looking over this before I posted it.