Ikarus
(The second first time)

This is about what happens when you meet that special someone that takes you higher than you ever dreamed
to be possible. But sometimes, when we fly higher than we should, we might burn our wings...

"There were so many new feelings and emotions descending upon me that I wanted to explore. Some old in a new dress, some long forgotten and some completely new. I wanted to take them in, feel them with all my senses in tune. I wanted to be with him! Nothing held us at this place anymore."

(Yeah, I've been editing this some, so bite me. Leave a comment if you liked it)

No part of this work may be distributed as an original work by another
person or group. Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic
means, as long as the entirety of the work is distributed, and credit is
given to the original author, me. Any resemblance between the writings
in this work, and any actual persons or places, living or dead, are
wanted.

All rights reserved.

Furthermore,
This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex. If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this. I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

Authors Note: This is not so much a piece of fiction, but rather an autobiographical account of a few days of my life.
The Lyrics posted herein are copyright of their respective authors. I don't claim any right to them, they just rung true and have their integral part within this story and within my life.

Ikarus
(The second first time)

(c) 2001 by Ravenheart

Initiation

Now light a candle and exhale...

"Oh, thinkin' about all our younger years,
There was only you and me,
We were young and wild and free
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now,
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
Love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Oh, once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down
Now nothin' could change what you mean to me,
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
Love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so long,
For somethin' to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are comin' true,
Through the good times and the bad,
I'll be standin' there by you

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms,
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need,
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

We're in heaven"

DJ Sammy & Yanou - Heaven (Yanou's Candlelight Mix)

Seconds turned into minutes and the minutes by now had turned into hours. I was waiting, waiting
because I simply had to. Like a tigress in a cage. But there was no postponing this, it _had_ to happen and
it had to happen tonight. I had to leave him, had to say good-bye. My old life wouldn't let me go and my
new life had not yet fully begun. Throwing it all away would be mindless and suicidal. But this had to
be... I had to hurt three people in order to cause the least pain and most options for the future for him, her
and myself.

Oh boy, how had I gotten myself into this? It had all started quite normal. I'd gone out that night, I
wanted to dance, be myself and feel alive and she wouldn't want to go with me. Not like that. That's the
way it was lately: "Not like that".

But 'like that' was the real me! 5'2", weighing in at barely a hundred pounds. Raven hair that went
past my shoulders, sometimes down to my shoulder blades, depending on how tight it curled. Dark eyes
that could range from a light brown puppy look to glowing coals, depending on my mood. Not a cover
girl, mind you, but I definitely would be considered quite beautiful, with a butt to die for and a dazzling
smile and eyes that could melt ice. If it hadn't been for my tiny, budding breasts that currently barely
resembled an A Cup beneath the falsies I wore and something else I would have been a very happy girl.
But it wasn't that easy.

And that was why everything between us seemed to be over, just waiting for that last drop to fall.
I thought I had accepted it and so had she. Until I met him!

He was a pretty tall, quite handsome guy, roughly my age from what I could guess from his back.
And he'd simply sit there, a step or two away from my table and stare at the dance floor, watching people
or so it seemed. The night had been slightly boring until then. I had actually wanted to leave, but that guy
who turned up a little while later had told something inside me to stay a bit longer. He'd turn around
occasionally and I would smile at him, but he somehow seemed to be oblivious to it. 'Watching,
waiting...', I remembered a line from a Savatage song. Something deep within me wanted to get to know
this guy. Or maybe I didn't want the night to end just yet.

Finally the DJ started playing something decent and so I got up to dance. After a while, he turned
around again and - thinking now or never - I smiled at him, looked him in the eyes and motioned him to
come over and dance too. Looking a little surprised, he smiled back, mouthing "me?" and pointing at
himself. As there was no chance to shout what I wanted to say over the distance and the noise of the
music, I simply went over to him and asked him why he wouldn't dance.

"I can't dance."

Ha ha, I'd seen him dance for a second or ten before and it looked pretty good to me. Standard
answer, but I wasn't ready to let it go, yet. So I told him that if he couldn't dance, I could do it much less.
He looked a little dumbfounded by my weird reasoning but he'd lost; I'd already proved it. After all there
were probably worse things than dancing with me and so we did just that. And chatted away afterwards
and this is how I got to know him. But I'd never thought it would be cutting that deep this time. After that
first dance, I'd occupied the stool right next to him and we got lost in chatter and flirted, just the way I'd
done so many times before. When the DJ played a slow song I simply had to grab him and dance closely
with him. I somehow always had the urge to do so. I loved dancing that way and if there was a decent
man close by, he was fair game.

He looked a little surprised at first, what with me pulling him off his stool and putting my arms
around his neck was kind of understandable. So knowing I wouldn't kill him, if he tried to get a little
closer, he'd gingerly touch me later on, or hold me in his arms when we sat down again. Just like so many
times before. And as long as he didn't start groping around, I was pretty comfortable with that. He could
tell pretty funny stories and he did smile a lot. I liked that. And most of all he didn't try to force himself
upon me so badly. True, I most always enjoyed the company of the men I met a lot. But without me
realizing it this here was subtly different. Thorsten was different. He was just two years older than me, he
was tall, had a flawless body at first glance... well okay, close up too, as I should find out later. He had a
contagious smile, beautiful eyes of a piercing blue and a pretty handsome face. His blonde hair was
cropped short in some sort of crew cut, that suited him just fine. Not quite a front page model, but
definitely close enough and yet normal.

I was still a bit hesitant about his caresses. After all I was only very slowly coming to grips with
the fact that soon, she would be gone. I felt her fading away from me every single day and I knew there
was nothing I could do to hold her. So I shied away from his first few attempts at kissing me and thank
god, he didn't try to force me. I guess that helped me a lot. He could have tried to turn my head or corner
me, but he didn't and I liked him even more for that.

When I had finally made up my mind, I turned to look at him. We'd been sitting pretty close by
now and I think he was holding me. I looked into his eyes and his lips drew nearer and I let him kiss me.
Soft and nice, just the way I was feeling at that moment. And he didn't try to force his tongue into me. I
think I even told him how much I liked him for that. I was happy that he'd accepted my pace. And I
remembered that this time I hadn't once mentioned that I was still married. He'd bought the second round
of drinks by then and so the night went on. With dancing, chatting, laughing, caressing and the occasional
kiss. It somehow seemed to go on like that forever. Not that I'd complain.

When they finally closed the upstairs part of the Disco, we'd decided to go and have a seat in one
of the numerous bars of the club that we were in. Just one last drink and then head for home. On the way
there, I'd stopped by the ladies' room to freshen up my make up. I'd come to like Thorsten quite a bit and I
somehow wanted to look my best for him. So, when we continued our way to the bar, I simply took his
hand. I didn't know why... I just wanted to!

In the end, that one final drink lasted until they closed the place completely as our chatting away
had become more and more personal and intense. I still wasn't ready for him to french kiss me yet, but by
now I didn't want this night to end either. I had stayed very long before, but this was the first time security
kindly asked us to leave.

When we waited in line to fetch our coats I happily snuggled up to him. Something I hadn't yet
consciously realized had changed in me and I was only too happy, to feel his towering body on my back
and to have him put his arms around me. Stepping outside I was glad that he'd offered to walk me to my
car. The ground was still frozen and memories of how I - and every other woman not wearing flats that
night for that matter - had slipped and skidded my way to the entrance, more or less resembling the walk
of a duck. Minus its grace of course.

I think I held on to him for dear life, or almost. At least when we were walking. Just until that
crazy idiot of a man found out, that my platform boots seemed to make pretty good skis or something and
he started pushing me along on a thicker patch of ice. I nearly died, but of course, I had to laugh, so my
protests did sound anything but sincere.

We'd finally made it to my car and I guess I must have been lucky, because a) I could at least
open the passenger door (as opposed to the little group that was trying to get into their car from the back)
and b) someone that was not me, myself and I froze off his fingers scratching ice off the windshield.

"Here, let me do that!" he said. "Your arms are too short anyway."

My, thanks, what a compliment, but then again _his_ hands were freezing now, and _I_ got to sit
in the car. He was only living five minutes walking distance from the club, so I figured it would do no
harm to drive him home. I didn't know then that the fact that he'd told me his last name twice - once by
telling me a story and again when explaining his nickname - and the fact that I knew where he lived
enabled me to find out his phone number and give the whole story quite a different pitch.

When I'd just told him to get into the car and that I'd drive him home, I suddenly remembered I
had to let him see me wear glasses. Eough! Too bad, no way around that anymore. Even though quite a
few people told me that I didn't look as bad as I thought when I wore them, I still couldn't get used to them
and ignored them wherever I could. Thorsten didn't seem to mind, but there were still many times I was
feeling pretty insecure. Probably because my life was changing for the better with such enormously huge
steps, that I sometimes couldn't quite believe that things had improved so much now.

As we'd been dancing close to 'Heaven' by DJ Sammy and he'd told me that he liked that song a
lot but couldn't find it anywhere, I just had to turn on my freshly burned CD and play the song again for
him. Not without a stupid grin of course. After slipping off the parking lot and onto the road, it was just a
few hundred meters, then right and then a little further down the road until we stopped in front of his
house. He had been right. He really didn't live far away from the club. So there we were. I parked right in
front of his house and killed the engine.

I couldn't remember what we were talking about, but suddenly the time had come to say good-
bye. Nothing special really, was it? He wasn't the first guy I met in that club and probably not the last.
Sure, I had agreed to meet him there again. It had happened before and he'd probably be there as often as
I. Just like any other night, right? I'd done that before. Still, I quickly put my glasses away before I turned
around to face him.

And then I was kissing him, closing my eyes, inviting his tongue in this time. It felt so good...

When we finally parted, he asked:

"But you _are_ gonna give me your phone number, aren't you?"

Up to that point I'd already found out that I wanted to see him again... he only lived five minutes
from the club anyway. We _would_ meet again.

"Next time we meet, I promise. I'm sorry, I really am, I know this sounds awfully stupid, but
there's something I have to sort out first!" I blurted out before my mind registered what my mouth had just
said.

Or had that been my heart? I must have said it sincerely enough that he was apparently at least
willing to try to believe me. And with that he got out. One last wave good bye and I was on the road
again, heading for home. All nice and warm inside and happy. The night _had_ been good.

I was halfway home, still thinking about him and the night, listening to 'Heaven' when I suddenly
asked myself, why I hadn't stayed at his place for a coffee or something. After a short bout of sadness, I
remembered what "coffee" usually led to and how it was impossible for me to do that unless I was going
to tell him my darkest secret, right there and then. And I really didn't feel like doing that this night.

When I got home I gave her a kiss, like I always did and I realized that she had slipped beyond
my reach. And I felt, I'd started to accept that fact. When she noticed me being a bit absent minded and
wondered why I was being so "cold" I told her just that. And went to sleep straight away, to prevent any
ensuing discussion and to bask in the remainder of happiness within me.

The next day started out bright and cold. Her sister and her friend were due to arrive, as they were
going to stay with us over Christmas; an event I'd dreaded for a long time, as it meant we'd have to play
happy family. Pretending was currently at the very bottom of my list of things to do. After breakfast, I sat
down at my computer to check my email and chat for the time being. The guy from last night was still on
my mind. Funny, I usually enjoyed the nights, and that was it. But now I suddenly found myself calling up
the phone book on the net and looking for his number.

Just for the heck of it, I thought... and sure enough, I found him. Just eleven entries with his last
name and only one of them with his first name. But I wasn't sure. What if his number wasn't registered
and I, by bad luck, had found the only other guy with his name living in the same city? I checked the
street. Too bad I hadn't looked for a street name or a house number last night. But then it had been dark
and I hadn't planned to do this and I was lucky enough to remember his last name. And I had remembered
his last name correctly, hadn't I? I called up a map and crosschecked the street name for reference. Sure
enough that seemed to be pretty close to where I'd brought him last night. But I still wasn't convinced.
Whatever. I closed the browser with all its findings and resumed chatting. There were stories about last
night to share with the girls, after all.

That couldn't last of course. I was still happy that I'd probably found him so easily and now I was
wondering more and more just why I hadn't written down his phone number.

I'd already found him and I just might call him after all. Of course I wouldn't dare to do so... and,
and... and I'd see him again in a week or two, if it was really that important. But then again... what harm
could it do, when I saved his number in my cell phone? I kept on wondering until it got the better of me.
So I finally called up the phone book again, repeated the previous search and saved his number! And
resumed chatting and waiting to pick up her sister and her friend, with a stupid smile on my face.

It must have been somewhere around the time we were waiting for the train to arrive at the station
a few hours later, when I'd made up my mind and decided to call him. This was different from all the
times before; the thoughts about him simply wouldn't let me go anymore. But it'd have to wait until later
when I drove to my parents to pick up a few things we'd need for her guests. After finally dropping them
off at our place I continued to drive over to my parents with a strange feeling in my belly. Almost all the
way there, I was wondering if I could do it or not. Did I really have the right number? What should I say?
Would he remember who I was? What could I say to make sure it was him? And what for haven's sake if
it really _was_ the wrong number??? It took me almost all the way to my parents to scrounge up enough
courage to dial his number. I was so nervous, I even stopped the car for a second... and called. I closed my
eyes, now or never. I'd call him by his nickname and ask whether he'd been in that club that night. That
should make sure it was him.

And the line was busy! Aaaaarrgh!!! I couldn't believe it! All the hesitation, all the fidgeting and
now the stupid line was busy. I tried it again for a few times, barely having the nerve to wait a few
minutes, but to no avail. The line remained busy. All the way to my parents and all the way back home. I
had been sure, I'd reach him, as soon as I left my parents. Nobody would talk that long on the phone... at
least not anyone male. But I was wrong, the line still was busy. Some time later, I was sitting at my
computer again and I still couldn't get through to him, now almost one hour after I tried for the first time.
What on earth was he doing?

I'd almost accepted the fact that I wouldn't get through to him anymore when I absentmindedly
picked up the phone and tried for the umpteenth time and almost dropped it again when the line was
suddenly free. And hung up immediately in panic. I had to catch my breath and hide in the dark bedroom
to try it again. I was staring out of the window, seeing nothing, when he finally picked up the phone.

"Yeah?"

"Oli? Is that you? Have you been in the "PM" last night and-"

"Who's that?"

"Um... ah, well... have you been-" Jeeeeezus tell me that it's really you!

"Well, but who's speaking?"

Oh gawd, lemme die... "This is Valerie..."

"Oh..."

It took a few seconds until we realized that this was a phone call and it might be advisable to say
something for a change. I think I kind of caught him by surprise, calling so soon. Especially without him
giving me his number in the first place. I can't remember how we got a conversation going - both of us
suddenly seemed to be extremely shy for no apparent reason (Hah!) - but it somehow worked. In the
single moment I turned on my mind during that conversation - I was still halfway whispering and didn't
want to have anyone find out what I was doing - I was smart enough to ask him for his email address. So I
finally hung up, barely able to believe that I'd really just called him, leaving me very content. But I was
still scared someone would come in and ask questions I didn't want to answer at just that moment.

I'd promised to write to him straight away and made him promise in return to write back as soon
as he got my mail. And so I sat down and racked my brains what I should write. My mind had suddenly
blanked. What did I want to write? What _could_ I write?

When I was finally done, I simply had to call him again to tell him he had new mail. After all, he
had told me he had a dial up connection and wouldn't be constantly online like me. And thank god, I was
so impatient. I'd caught him so badly by surprise when I'd called him for the first time, that he'd messed up
his email address and missed out a character. And off into email nirvana the first try of 7 MB went, as I'd
wanted to surprise him and had sent him the song he was looking for as well. I'd already been listening to
'Heaven' all day in heavy rotation. It reminded me so bad!

And so we started writing back and forth that evening, each time revealing a little more about
ourselves and how we felt. I still had this kinda weird time frame in my head, about what might happen
when. About meeting him again in two weeks time, when our visitors were gone and I didn't need to
pretend anymore. Maybe even in one week, if my best friend decided to go out that night and I could
sneak away. And then maybe a few weeks later I would tell him about myself. But things were not going
to happen that way.

As she was busy chatting away with her guests, I was virtually left to myself in front of the
computer... and the mails kept flying back and forth, drawing me ever closer to the moment of truth. I had
to admit I liked him more and more. I was behaving like a schoolgirl, counting the minutes until his next
mail arrived. And I couldn't have cared less! And according to his mails, he was feeling the same!!! In all
the previous chaos, insanity and heartache this was just too good. I was afloat with happiness... until I
realized it really _was_ too good to be true. At the current rate of development my "check it out and
maybe tell him in a few weeks"-time scheme had disintegrated.

And he kept wondering and asking. Not that he was pushing me. He'd leave me all the time I
needed to tell him about my secret, but he kept assuring me that he might take it better than I'd expect him
to. I still wasn't sure. I figured he'd already guessed that I was still married. I hadn't really made it too hard
for him to figure that one out, but I guess that was what I'd intended all along. The _other thing_ though...
that was entirely a different planet. And now he was writing that he was hoping the two of us still had lots
of time to figure everything out and that he was only interested in the person itself and not anything else.
Just _what_ was I to make of that one?

In the end, I decided that it was now or never. This was getting much deeper, much faster than I
had imagined. Then again, I'd never thought something like that could happen to me of all people anyway.
However, if I was going to give this relationship a chance, I had to tell him and I had to tell him now.

My heart was pounding pretty bad when I wrote that mail. At least he couldn't beat me up this
way. Or hang up on me. After all, I'd kissed him. Still, if I told him, he knew enough to make my life
pretty miserable and he could even deny me the chance to ever go again into the only decent club around.
I prayed he really meant the part about being interested in the person itself. Just how was I to explain this?
I'd never done this before and I suddenly felt all alone and very small. The first tears trickled down my
face when I finally wrote the words. I was pretty sure by now that this was the last time I'd ever talk to
him again. I swallowed hard on the lump in my throat and wrote the fateful words.

Subject:
Re: Answer form the Big One! *ggg*
Date:
Sun, 23 Dec 2001 23:00:40 +0100
From:
Valerie
To:
Thorsten

Hello Big One!

>You're married?
>Seriously?
>Hahahahahaha!!! Sorry, but there's a little something I haven't told you either.
>I'm still married myself!
>But contrary to you I'm a step further already. We live in divorce for half a year and for roughly 5 weeks
>FINALLY in different apartments.

*Laugh* Uhu. God, we're two idiots. Especially me. I'm listening to "Heaven" all day now and for roughly an hour
non-stop. The lyrics of course have to fit like... well, you know.

>So you see, I can definitely understand your situation. But don't even think you'd get rid of me that way. Nonono,
>that'd take something else altogether.

Well, that _is_ the bad thing. If it really wasn't _entirely something else_, I wouldn't be worried so much about it.
But...

>I already told you that I'm interested in the person itself and not everything else. And this is why you CAN'T shock
>me AT ALL with it.

You bet?

>And talking about it, you can tell me when you're ready for it. I think I (and I hope especially the two of us) have
>enough time for that.

Well, I hope so too... a lot even. The problem is, that we're now at a point where I willy-nilly have to show my cards.
My only hope is that you don't hate me now. Or tear me to pieces, next time our ways incidentally cross. I'm really
afraid of that... especially because I really like you very much.

>Besides, I think little secrets that aren't disclosed right away are pretty exciting. Or arousing?

Well, if that is so exciting or arousing I don't know... I'd rather say not. Oh god, I hope your "interested in the person
itself" was really meant that way. But there's no way around it. I really like you very much and as there's a chance
now that we could really get to know one another better, I guess I'm not getting around being honest. Although that
doesn't suit me at all. Not being honest, but the absurdity of the situation, that I have to be ashamed about something
that's not even my fault. That I have to admit something that's actually not even correct that way. Or twisted. God,
how do you say something like this? Oh boy... if I've been nervous all day, then it's nothing compared to what I feel
now.
Oli I like you a whole lot. I've flirted before, yes, but you mean a whole lot more to me. At least as far as I can tell by
now. Maybe I'm making a mistake if I tell you now, but I better tell you now than later. I really hope you can forgive
me. Actually I should do this like they do it in one of those stupid romance novels. Simply say I can't and run away.
Or cry. Well... I'm crying now anyway. But better that way when you can't see me. Then I don't need to be afraid of
your reaction...
Alright, out with it: I am married to a woman(!), I'll never be able to have children, because I neither have an uterus
nor ovaries, I never had them at all and it might very well take two to four years until you could have normal sex
with me, because my way will probably still last that long.
Actually right now I have the urge to delete all this again and to simply forget about it. But this is the first time in my
life this happens to me. I'm badly afraid. Please forgive me if I should have hurt you, I definitely didn't mean to do
so. You turned me upside down and now I stand here like a moron. Please be so fair and write back, if only a few
lines, even if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Then I know where I'm at and don't wait in
vain. Don't forget I told you all this so you know right away where you're at. You can call too, if you'd rather like
that.

>Oh and something else...
>Your turn!!!*eg*

A desperate, big kiss,

Valerie

Then I quickly sent the mail before my fear got the better of me and I'd delete it. I was trying hard
to get my mind off those heavy thoughts chatting with friends on the net... and failing badly. When my
phone suddenly rang a while later it nearly shocked me to death. Caller ID verified it was him. Oh boy! I
think my hand was shaking, or my body, or maybe even the whole world around me and me with it, when
I carefully answered the phone. Ohmigod was all I thought when I heard his voice, my mind now
perfectly cleared of any idea of what to say at first. I begged him to hang on for a moment while I was
desperately looking for a place to hole up. I wanted to be sure I was alone and had something to lean on
while he tore me apart. After I'd finally wedged myself into the tiny space between my dresser and the
bed, there was no postponing the inevitable and so I asked him to go ahead. And make my life miserable,
I didn't say.

I couldn't repeat anything of the following conversation, all I remember is that after a few minutes
I was trying hard to believe what he'd just told me. This was by far too stupid to happen... I mean, hey,
this was real life after all and not a story on fiction mania or some really weird construct of a romance
novel. But I could neither deny the warmth that spread inside my body nor the fact that he was still talking
to me. And saying nice things.

I finally had to quickly hang up when she suddenly came into the bedroom. I badly wanted to talk
some more with him, but definitely not with her around. I was already in bed for quite a while when I was
still trying to grasp what had happened. It was almost too hard to believe that he still liked me and even
still wanted me after what I had to tell him. In the end, I started to accept the fact that my lucky star must
have shone on me, as I had to take this hurdle for the first time in my life. I snuggled up under the covers
and felt as happy as a girl can do. No one could ever take this away from me! From now on I'd always
know that it _could_ work. A little while later I sent him a message telling him I was sorry I had to hang
up so abruptly on him and that I was longing for his next mail.

And then came Christmas Eve... and probably the weirdest I'd ever had in my whole life. I got up
pretty late, still a little confused and headed directly for my computer to read his first mail for today that
already had to be in. God, that boy could make me nervous and my heart go faster. It seemed like a dream
and both of us were behaving like schoolchildren. And so the day went on, me being happy when I
answered his mails and being sad when I quarreled with her. She was slowly picking up that something
was going on and I wasn't going to deny that. I just wanted to be left alone to start my new life and get
quickly done with the old one. Just when I'd mustered all the strength to shut down my computer for a few
hours, and go visit my parents for Christmas, she asked me straight and I said yes. And nearly shocked
myself to death doing so. Of course, it had to end in a fight, just as I was finishing off the last few lines of
the last e-mail until that night. But now it was out in the open. I was badly longing for him now. He cared
for me with every line he wrote. He wanted to help me. But I couldn't see him for at least another week,
maybe even two. It was depressing. I wasn't looking forward to doing the Christmas thing at all. The
twenty-minute drive to my parents was more than a little frosty. And it wouldn't get any better. Although
my parents didn't know about my new boyfriend, they knew too well that things with her were going
down the drain... and badly so. I mustered all my strength to survive the evening but it was more than
once that I had to flee and cry. I even tried to call him, there in the middle of all this, but of course, he was
at his parents' too. Somehow, we managed to get dinner and exchanging presents done. She even didn't
throw my present for her right back into my face. I didn't really care much what presents I got; there was
nothing I needed, much less liked. Except for her present which was a leather coat. She'd already given it
to me two weeks ago, as I needed it then anyways. "It's cold already," she'd said. Funny enough the only
present that made sense and I liked. It didn't make me any happier though. I liked him, yes. I hated it that
things had to break up between her and me. I hated it to be torn apart. I desperately prayed for the night to
end and luckily, she wasn't up to the strain much longer herself. So shortly after dinner we headed back
for home, whatever that was these days.

She went straight to the living room, doing the Christmas thing with her relatives. I instantly fled
for the semi isolation of my computer. I'd be mostly left alone, sitting there and started writing him a mail.

Subject:
I miss you
Date:
Mon, 24 Dec 2001 20:01:14 +0100
From:
Valerie
To:
Thorsten

Hello You

If this isn't by far the worst Christmas. I miss you. I wanna get away from here, but I can't. I didn't even care what
stuff they gave me, I can't use it anyway and I don't even wanna have it. Wife had gotten me the coat I wore
Saturday, a week ago "As it's now cold already." I was happy about that. The rest... well, forget it. I hope you're back
soon. I've never cried that much on Christmas. Write back soon, I miss you!

I wish you and your parents a Merry Christmas! Don't worry about me and enjoy the nice feeling the two of us share.
I'm happy then!

mil besos,

Valerie
(Your Christmas angel?!)

And then chance must've had this idea, or felt sorry for me or whatever. As usual, Christmas time
was the worst time for most of my T* friends with family mishaps and all that. It seemed to take some
even closer to the brink than they usually were anyway. A good friend of mine entered the chat and
almost instantly halfway cried her heart out to me and gave a damn about going on anymore. Driving on
highways in pouring rain whilst crying being hurt to the bone sounded neither sane nor healthy to me. My
first thought was to go and look after her. Then my brain hit turbo and things started to happen. Even the
wife would realize that it was necessary to go and see her, even if this required throwing the idea of
playing happy family over board. She grudgingly agreed (she knew and liked my friend as well) and kept
her relatives busy while I was getting ready in the bedroom as I wouldn't / couldn't go there the way I was
dressed that moment. Now all this cast a very new light on the whole situation. If I was to be out and
about this way - what, even in my wildest dreams, I hadn't believed possible for the next two weeks
entirely... what reason was there to not go and see him as well?

Ka-Ching went my brain and answered 'NONE' a whole fraction of a nanosecond later. I was
excited as hell as I got dressed, just by the sheer prospect of seeing him again. Little did I know then, that
I'd be much more excited later on, for different reasons, even though they had to do with him. First things
first though, I thought as I headed out the door, leaving home and her and her relatives behind. I had to
make sure that my friend would be alright. As happy and excited as I was about meeting him, I was still
worried about my friend and wanted to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. Luckily, she seemed a
whole lot more stable when I arrived. We sat down and had a cup of tea, like we used to do so many times
before and she told me her version of 'Merry Christmas' this year. I'd heard things like that too often; it
made me sick. Even though my evening had been bad, hers had been worse. But then talking about it and
having someone come around instantly to be there had probably helped quite a bit. Even before finishing
our first cup, I was already telling her about my new boyfriend. She'd laughed when she saw my eyes
begin to shine like two suns of their own and made me promise to tell her every teeny tiny detail about
tonight next time we met. Only then did I realize that it just might be a good idea to let him know that he
should get dressed and ready to meet me. I'd completely forgotten to tell him that I'd fled and that we'd
have a little time for ourselves tonight.

He'd probably gotten used to being surprised by me lately, as he didn't seem completely shocked
when I told him the news. Although, I could almost see him getting dressed in a hurry, even while we
were speaking. Lacking much time to plan and think about things, my friend and I had come up with the
idea of meeting at a spot I could easily describe to him and going to a mall afterwards. This was
Christmas Eve after all, there weren't too many options of where to go.

Exchanging promises that she wouldn't try to do anything stupid and me in return telling her
everything about the ensuing night with him, I left my friend as nervous, happy and excited as could be.
When I passed the intersection where we'd planned to meet, I spotted his car at once. I quickly made a u-
turn at the next light, shortly pulled to a halt next to him and waved at him to follow me along. The mall
where I'd planned to take him was only a five-minute drive from my place, so I might as well leave my
car close to home and ride with him. Luckily, he got the hint when I headed for two parking spots and
stopped behind me. As quickly as possible, I killed the engine, took the key, turned off the music (I was
still listening to 'Heaven' almost every waking moment), took my purse, locked the door and finally (an
eternity and a half later to me) rushed over to his car. I was unbelievably happy to see him again. And so
shortly as well. Judging by the way he pulled me close, held me tight and kissed me hungrily, I got the
feeling he'd missed me too and was more than happy to see me again. Now that much about how he'd
react towards me now that he knew my secret. Worries in vain, I realized. A little breathlessly, I told him
what I had planned for the night and where we could go. He'd instantly agreed although I'd have bet he'd
have agreed to anything as long as we could see one another... as I would have too. I felt so good to sit
next to him while he was driving. Nothing to do but watch him and smile and be happy. We'd arrived at
the mall shortly after, but alas, it was closed. I felt a little fear rising up in me. This was our night,
precious moments wrung from fate. It couldn't be over already! He'd driven all the way to see me but I
wasn't sure if asking to go to a mall in another city wouldn't be too much. And I wasn't sure if that wasn't
closed either. He didn't care much about how far he had to drive though, or if he had to take me all the
way back. He'd just smile and off we went. It still left me nervous though and I prayed for the other mall
to be open. I didn't want to spend the night looking around. After all, I couldn't be gone for too long. Her
knowing about him or not, I didn't want the next row right after coming home. I'd figured I'd just tell her
I'd gone out with my friend to get her a little distracted. For now anyway. There'd be enough time to deal
with things later on... but not now. This was my little straw of happiness and I reached out as far as I
could to grasp it tightly.

We were lucky enough; the next mall we tried was open. This one now almost halfway between
his place and mine. After parking the car, we headed for the promenade and had a look at the places that
were still open on such a night. Of course, there were always people who were single or had other reasons
to flee the ordered happiness that seemed to come with Christmas these years and many Restaurants and
Bars had picked up on it lately. After a while I figured both of us didn't care much about where we went,
as long as we went wherever together. So after walking back and forth we simply picked the next decently
looking bar. I remember sticking very close to him and shyly looking around. The place seemed to be a
mix of club and bar, at least according to the music and some sort of dance floor. There was an upstairs
part as well. I think I kinda wanted to go up there, as it seemed somewhat less crowded and noisy. They
had some sort of cloakroom there towards which he steered me, handed off my coat and paid. I didn't even
get the chance to protest and when I meekly tried, it was in vain. It felt so good, so safe at his side. He
treated me like a precious gem. And I loved him for it. The upstairs part seemed to be closed though, so
we settled for a table at the side, as far away from the groups of people that were there as possible. The
place wasn't overrun, not on a night like this, yet still we felt we wanted to get as far away as possible.

They took ages to get our drinks, but Thorsten could tell funny stories and talking with him
somehow never got boring or strained. In the end he just stood up and went to the bar to get the drinks
himself; and paid again for both of us. I tried to give him my share later that night, but he just laughed it
off. I felt like a young girl through all this; butterflies dancing about in my belly. This was more than the
occasional night of flirting in the clubs, this here went on and on and took me in. I slowly got lost in that
feeling. Not opposed anymore, but unspokenly supported in what I was. I was afloat, I was bearing my
own weight and someone was even lifting me up just to make it better still. Not consciously, no, but just
because it was the way it was, the way it was meant to be. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, tracing the steps
that so many had danced before us. And even though they seemed to be completely new to me, I felt
every step inside me, emerging from my inner self; the place where I was, the inner sanctum where I'd
always been what I had meant to be from the very beginning of it all.

I'd cuddled up to him and suddenly found I had placed my legs over his thigh. He felt so good.
Compared to me he was huge, yet he didn't scare me one bit. I think we must have talked about trivial
things mostly for quite a while, sometimes picking up on things we'd written in the numerous mails and
wanted to find out more about. After a while my initial nervousness and the drink had me look for the
ladies' room. And of course we had been kissing quite a bit and I was a little concerned about how much
of my make up was left and where the rest of it had gone. Being a little sloppy around her was one thing,
but _he_ was _never_ gonna see the other side!

Once in the moderate quietness of the restroom I noticed that she'd tried to call me a few times. I
had to call her back anyway and this was as good a moment as any other. I was still quite a bit shy
opening my mouth, especially in here, but I seemed to be alone for the moment. I quickly told her that
we'd gone out and that it might very well be quite a while before I came back home. I felt bad lying to her,
but I was too weak to fight it out with her on the phone. The whole situation was too new to me, to even
have an idea about what to do. But she was friendly enough - maybe she even knew - and said it was
okay. Maybe we were both sick of fighting in that moment, I never knew. When I redid my make up (it
hadn't even looked that bad, considering) I suddenly realized that I now had all night with him. All the
acting like a schoolgirl and now "curfew extended"... it made me laugh, made me smile. And immensely
happy. When I returned to the table, I must've looked like the cat that ate the canary. But he was quickly
smiling too, when I told him he'd get to have all night with me. The talk went on like it had before, but I
think both of us were considering our options, now that we didn't need to be back in a little while.
Somewhere along I meekly hinted that this place was getting to loud and too full for my liking. I didn't
realize he'd completely missed what I'd just hinted and I was too shy to ask again.

I was a little disappointed... until I realized he had missed it because he had been thinking about
just how to ask me to leave this place. And now he finally did. Well actually he said he'd rather want to be
alone with me. It almost made me laugh. He could have had that a quarter of an hour ago. He looked a
little dumbfounded when I asked him if we couldn't go to his place then. You could read "I've been
thinking about how to ask for ages and it's _that_ easy???" written all over his face. I had to smile a bit. I
wanted to be with him, at least as much as he wanted to be with me. I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew I
couldn't physically stand up to him, but deep inside me I already knew for a while that I'd never have to.
In the end, his parents lived downstairs; all I had to do was scream. Which I would later on. _Because_ he
was molesting me. But _not_ because I _didn't_ like it. But that I didn't know then. I was still far away of
even imagining those things. All I wanted was to be alone with him. Sit and talk and kiss and cuddle with
him, like we had. Just without all those people and the noise around us and on a soft couch instead of a
wooden bench. There were so many new feelings and emotions descending upon me that I wanted to
explore. Some old in a new dress, some long forgotten and some completely new. I wanted to take them
in, feel them with all my senses in tune. I wanted to be with him! Nothing held us at this place anymore.
We finished our drinks, collected my coat and out we went. Where Jaz had slowly conquered my hand
barely half a year before, Thorsten had his arm around me whenever we got up to walk anywhere
together. I felt so right again, even more comfortable and more protected.

And here I was, right next to him in his car. The peace I felt in that moment was overwhelming.
I'd almost whished he'd drive on into the darkness of the night forever. I felt so safe right there and then
and told him so. He laughed. A nice laugh. We both kept having ideas like that. Like going mad and
getting a double cell at a psycho ward, or downloading the other one. The latter had at least worked for
him with the pictures of myself I had online. We'd taken a different highway so I only realized that we
were there when he stopped the engine. I felt a little bit funny as he led me to the door and opened it. I
think I even almost expected to run right into his parents, even though it must have been around midnight.
I'd had that dream the night before, about meeting his parents for the first time. Him knowing about me
was one thing. He needed to know. But I didn't want anybody else to know. I think I almost squished his
hand in that dream... and almost dropped dead later that day when he told me that his parents were living
in the same house right downstairs from him. I instantly begged him to never ever tell anyone about me.
All that rushed through my mind now as we headed through the hall and up the stairs. He was right behind
me and had to lean very close on the steep stairs to open his door. Now this is it, I thought, as the door
swung open. This is my first boyfriend and he's just opened the door to _his_ place to let me in. I carefully
took the first few steps and had a look around. I waited for him as the room layout confused me a bit that
very moment (I'd find my way around there completely blind now). He led me to his living room pointing
out his kitchen (and begging me to not look in there) and a few other things as well as his little office. I
instantly liked the way he had arranged and decorated things in his living room and after stepping out of
my shoes I took a look around while he got us something to drink. He used to be a soldier. His body was
still in pretty good shape, I could tell even when he was dressed. When he came back he cuddled up to me
from behind while I was watching his medals. Now without my heels on, the height difference was even
more eminent. He was literally towering over me... and I just loved it. I finally turned around, digging
myself into his chest, getting up on tiptoes to kiss him. And I loved it even more. Ahh, precious heavenly
bliss, this was how it was meant to be; how I was meant to be! After lighting a few candles and him
turning on some music, we finally ended up on his couch. How good it was to touch him, to hear his
voice, be touched by him. This was so much better than sitting in that bar. No one around to watch us, no
one to disturb us, just him and me. It seemed I couldn't get enough of kissing him. And it got me hot and
hotter too. Even the little bit of necking we did seemed to start to drive me crazy. Then again, all this was
new to me in some way. Finally my body made me straddle him after I'd draped his legs out on the whole
length of the couch. I had no idea where I'd learned this, but my body knew it wanted to do it that way. I
started stroking his chest through his shirt and suddenly began wriggling my bum on his crotch. Boy, did
this feel good. And boy, was his chest hard and toned. And... holy cow?!?!?! What the hell was happening
underneath my butt??? Was that a Maglite I was riding on??? I tried to fathom the size of that thing by
moving back and forth and finally decided that my mind must be playing a trick on me. Jeeezus H.
Tiberius Christ... was that thing hard! And _huge_!!! It shocked and enticed me all the same. I'd
investigate later, I resolved... and kept on wriggling on his lap and caressing his chest and his neck. I
loved kissing him whilst riding on his lap. I loved stroking the back of his neck and the tiny hairs there.
I'll never forget the feeling of his hairs against my fingers, or the hungry and loving look in his eyes.

Some time later, I'd ended up sitting backwards between his legs, leaning my back against his
chest. His hands were caressing my belly for ages and I silently started moaning. Finally he slipped a hand
underneath my sweater and I felt his fingers burning on my skin. This was beyond my plans, beyond the
realm of the known... even beyond anything I'd ever dreamed of. All this was new to me and I was almost
left as a spectator of my own body and feelings. And then my mind started to race. There was his hand,
right on my flesh, caressing my tummy, making me feel incredibly good... and that very hand was only
inches below my bra, containing my tiny budding breasts... and the falsies I'd been wearing from the
beginning of it all. I'd die of embarrassment if he touched those things. My fear and the strange feelings
his hand on my skin produced jammed my brain pretty effectively in a loop of that very thought. And his
hand kept moving on my skin, sending little flashes right into my brain. Up and down back and forth,
while I kept trying to enjoy it and as well fearfully waited for the moment when his hand would start
moving upwards and not down anymore. The circles drew nearer and nearer and my mind had gone into a
thoughtless blur. When one of his fingers finally touched the underwire of my bra, the lock-up snapped
loose in an instant... and I did what I'd never ever thought I'd do. Instincts took over control.

"You know that this isn't all mine?!" I halfway asked and halfway stated with a hoarse voice.

"Uhu", he rumbled from behind me, even before I could think too long about what he might think
now. Or whether he'd understood what I'd meant at all. Which apparently he had. In a spur of courage or
insanity or lust or just the little devil on my shoulder I quickly asked:

"Do you want to see me?" before I had the chance to think about what I was doing.

He nodded. I was afraid as hell, yet somehow I wanted to do this now. For him. For myself. For
the magic between us. I kept swallowing hard on my fear and my embarrassment. I had to pull this
through quickly now, or I knew I'd never even dare to try it again. I trusted him somehow; apparently
enough for my heart to do this now. I scooted forward a bit, still with my back to him and begged him to
close his eyes. With a last look over my shoulder, I started fiddling with my sweater. When I'd pulled it
over my head, I quickly discharged the falsies into it and threw it on the floor. What now? My heart began
to pound. I looked down at myself, looked at my budding titts, now all lost in the too big bra. In the end I
resolved to leave the bra where it was for the moment. What would he think now? Would he laugh? Angst
and embarrassment tried to choke me when I slowly turned around. I think I even closed my eyes, my
body all tense in anticipation. One more moment of truth had come.

"Like it?" I managed to choke out.

"Uhu," he nodded, smiling.

And he cradled me in his arms, held me close and continued stroking my body as if nothing had
happened. He smiled. He kissed me. I felt his hands on my naked skin and started to loosen up. Happiness
began seeping through. I felt so good there in his arms. When he finally began unhooking the bra I was
ready for it. I somehow knew now that he liked what he saw. Barely an A cup or not, those where his
girlfriend's breasts and he wanted to touch them now it seemed. Still lying on top of him, I slightly arched
my back and helped him get the bra off. I was ready now to be half naked in front of him, but I wasn't
anywhere near ready for the sensations that tried to tear my body apart when he touched my breasts for
the first time. I began to feverishly tear at his shirt. I wanted his chest naked too now.

"Hey, not only me... that's not fair!" I said with a smile.

We both had 'Lust' written all over our faces, when I helped him get rid of his shirt. Skin to skin,
heart to heart we were... and it was only to begin. I started running my hands over his chest and his belly,
scratched and caressed and kissed. I couldn't get enough of his hard body! When his hands found their
way back to my breasts though, I couldn't stand it any longer. There was no way I'd survive that if I was
above him, so he carefully lay me on my back and started to do his magic with my body. I'd been on
hormones for quite a while now and had started bulging quite a bit lately, yet I'd never taken the time to
explore.

I'd never thought anything could be as intense as this, but he proved me wrong with every single
touch. And boy, he knew what to do with those hands and lips of his. Nibbling, squishing, stroking,
pinching, caressing, from left to right and back, just a nipple, then all of it... he didn't even need fifteen
seconds for my eyes to lock shut and me being incapable of doing anything else but moaning. Little bolts
of lightning where shooting through my body, the tingle and warmth within my belly had spread through
my whole body. And it only got more and more intense. He couldn't have been doing this for longer than
half a minute when my eyes started fluttering and I reared with a high-pitched cry for the first time. I
couldn't believe what was happening to me. My whole body was flushed with sensations I hadn't thought
possible and it would only increase with time passing. Slowly but surely, I completely lost control of my
body. Had it only been my eyes and the muscles in my back that caused me to rear and arch my back
almost consecutively now, I suddenly felt my legs locking up and trembling uncontrollably. Less than a
few minutes after he'd begun, my arms where flailing around me, all of my body lost in complete ecstasy.
And he wouldn't stop. I didn't have the chance to watch him then, as I was completely reduced to feeling,
rearing, trembling, moaning and crying, but he'd told me later how amazed and enthralled he had been by
my intense reactions. And then we started our dance. By some unspoken accordance we kept trading
places, one mostly giving, the other mostly receiving. I'd never done it like this before, but somehow it
just seemed right. It gave me a lot, that was for sure and according to the look on his face and his
moaning, he felt the same. We didn't undress any further, that was as far as I was ready to go for now, but
we cuddled and fondled and caressed our way across his couch for hours; on top of each other, lying,
sitting, side by side. It was heaven and I cherished every second of it. How I loved raking my nails across
his sides. It made him close his eyes and moan instantly. And all those passionate kisses...

It was amazing how much I'd learned that night. Sometimes I even found myself analyzing all
those new feelings that where rushing through me, right while I felt them. Never before had my body
reacted that way, yet it seemed so right now. Just as if I'd only had to wait for the right person to come
along, to wake my body of its years and years of sleep. And I never even knew I had it in me until now.

During one of the few bathroom breaks, I suddenly had this _nifty_ idea, while I was repainting
my lips. I thought about it for a second and figured, that yes, I was definitely allowed to do things like that
now and smiled inwardly. Thorsten actually laughed when he came back from the bathroom a little while
later.

"Been having some fun with the mirror?" he asked as this huge smile appeared on my face.

Trying to look innocent somehow hadn't worked. I'd simply sacrificed the fresh coating of lipstick
for a nice big kiss on his bathroom mirror. I'd actually wanted him to see that only after I'd left, to give
him something to remember that night and make him smile and I told him so. He smiled this smile of his
then and I knew it had worked anyway.

At somewhere around half three I unwillingly decided that it was finally time to go home. We
both were kinda tired and I had to leave eventually. Now was as bad as any other time. We'd had our share
of fun and cuddling, but there wasn't much I could do short of instantly moving in. Which wouldn't work
either, as there still was someone who was depending on me. Things might not be the same anymore, but
that didn't mean everything was suddenly back to zero. I'd have to live through the parting first and - come
hell or high water - I'd do that right, with as little bad blood as possible. Things not the same anymore and
no future for a love life left or not, she was (or would be) _at least_ a friend and I wanted it to stay that
way by all means. Which was another reason I had to get back now. I carefully bunched up my clothes
and went to the bathroom to get dressed again.

Finally, after some more kissing and then some more, we got up to leave. Apparently I wasn't the
only one dazed by this night, as he had to go back three times to get all the things he needed. And then
down those horrendously steep stairs again. I concentrated so badly on not tripping that I'd almost
forgotten my fear of running into his mother downstairs. I suddenly realized that I hadn't been all that
quiet a few times up there and got really shy waiting for him to come down the stairs and unlock the front
door to let us out. I almost managed to fall over the stupid doorsill that resembled too much of a tripwire
for my liking. As soon as he closed the door, he immediately put his arm around me again and we walked
over to his car. I almost wondered if holding my hand wasn't enough. Habit, he said and I guess missing to
have someone to love and hold that close too. The weather was bad enough so he drove extra carefully.
Thank god he was old or mature or whatever enough not to try to prove things by being stupid. Maybe
that was part of the reason why I felt so safe around him, especially in his car. I dreaded going home, but
this night had been a precious gift; something I hadn't thought possible. There was still this warmth
tingling in my belly, throughout my whole body and it wouldn't go away.

When I'd finally had him park close to my house, I didn't wanna go. Parting meant hurting and I
didn't want to hurt. We kept kissing and kissing, one final kiss after the other. We said nice things,
touched one another, smiled a lot. In the end we both had to laugh a little bit, as this again perfectly fit
into this high school romance scheme we somehow had adopted. Feeling like school kids, curfew
extended and now making out in a car. And it felt so _good_! Taking me ten years back in time, only
better. His lips felt so unbelievably good on mine. Even when I'd finally left the car I had to lean back
inside and kiss him again at least four times. I feared this had to last me and I couldn't get enough anyway.
Only sheer will power enabled me to finally let him go. But even when he drove off, he didn't leave me
entirely. I was still feeling warm and happy inside; all that he'd given me tonight was still there. All I had
to do was listen inside me and he was instantly there. I must have had a pretty stupid smile on my face
when I walked the last few steps to my front door, but I couldn't have cared less.

The 'no pardon lights' of my bathroom mirror finally gave me a mild shock though. He'd seen me
like _that_? Admittedly, I didn't look all that bad, but it'd been a close call. I hated myself for a second
there, for only being 'half done'. I wanted to be more for him so badly and all I had to offer was that. Little
did I know then, that his opinion was an entirely different one. But all this was new and I couldn't stand
the idea of giving him anything less than absolutely _everything_ I had! I was still way too happy though,
to feel all bad about that any longer and so I floated into my bed. She was sound asleep already, so there
was not gonna be any fighting tonight, thank god. My cell phone vibrated then, indicating an incoming
message. It was him, he was home safe and sound, thank god. I'd made him promise to let me know so I
could sleep and not worry about him. So I snuggled up underneath the covers and instantly the warmth
and contentment started spreading out anew. My thoughts were back with him again and I smiled when I
quickly drifted off into a coma. It really had been a long day after all. I didn't know then, that I'd badly
need the sleep I would get, as the next day would be as chaotic as the one before, only ten times as much!

Before he finally went to bed he wrote me another mail:

Subject:
The most wonderful night in ages!
Date:
Tue, 25 Dec 2001 05:05:47 +0100 (MET)
From:
Thorsten
To:
Valerie

Hello Sweety!

Or should I rather say good morning?
Anyway, I hope you slept well.
Last night has simply been SENSATIONAL!!! I found it was simply wonderful to feel you and your fondness. I'm
already looking forward to the next time.
But unfortunately I realized on the way back that I'm extremely tired. And this is why I'm gonna get my little a.. into
bed right now!*g*
I'm gonna write more later on!

Hugs... Thorsten

P.S.: Something (someone) is missing here in my bed!!!
*gggggggggggggggggggggggg*

But I wasn't the first to read those lines. She'd been up before me and had booted up the computer.
There was nothing new about that, she'd done it innumerable times before. And I usually didn't mind her
checking for email either. After all there hadn't been any need for secrecy between us before. This time
now, things were different altogether. Which is why I was woken on Christmas Day with a wicked fight.
She'd stormed into our bedroom and opened up before I'd even opened my eyes. Boy, had I been wrong
when I'd thought, she'd figured it all the day before, when I hadn't denied having someone else, when
she'd asked me. Now she really let loose. But what was I to say? That she was the one who'd decided she
couldn't live with me anymore if I was to be like that? I didn't get the chance to say much anyway and I
wasn't even fully awake either. We were both crying and I felt sorry for her. I knew she was hurt and I felt
bad for being the cause in a way. When she was getting that bad I sometimes forgot that she was the one
who didn't want to go on anymore. That knowledge didn't help much though. Her slamming the door
finally concluded her rant.

I thought about trying to go back to sleep again. But the feeling of happiness, that had come back
to my conscious mind for a fraction of a second when I'd opened up my eyes, had instantly been crushed
by that fight. I was too upset to sleep anymore. I thought about the nice and calm day, filled with silent
contentment, that I'd planned to have... and kissed it good-bye. This was gonna be far worse than
yesterday had been and I tried to steel myself for what was yet to come. She had murder written all over
her face and in her eyes, so I tried to vanish in front of my computer. This had worked before, maybe it'd
work now. And she had her relatives around, so I hoped she was busy enough dealing with them. Being
brought back to the real world that way was no good for my blood circulation, even though it was almost
three in the afternoon by now. I quickly grabbed a cup of coffee and something to eat and sat down to
read his mail. Maybe that would ease the pain and the confusion I felt a little bit. I started writing the reply
straight away and told him what had happened. While I was writing she came by again and asked me,
more calmly by now, why I hadn't told her right away. That left me completely dumbfounded.

When I was finally done writing that mail, I realized I wasn't feeling that bad anymore and told
him so. He was doing funny things to me, that was for sure. Now I was even slightly sorry that I'd
unloaded my worries onto him. But he assured me in his next mail that he'd be there for me and that there
was basically no way around telling him about what was going on. And he'd watch over me, he said. That
made me happy. At least as long as I could be happy that day. She kept coming back and starting
discussions. Her initial anger it seemed had faded completely and was now replaced by a mixture of
sadness and panic. She'd said she couldn't live with me like that anymore, but now that I'd begun to accept
the fact that our days as a couple were numbered and tried to start a new life and find happiness again, she
must have realized the full weight of her decision. She was crying, arguing, discussing... not wanting to
live with me anymore and part somewhere in the near future was entirely different than her knowing me
in the arms of a man. Said man was now trying to assure me that he had much less of a problem ignoring
my little flaws than I had. I wanted so badly to be 'complete' for him. Or to just stay over night (he'd said
he'd missed me there in his bed no end). But when I'd seen myself in that mirror, shame and worries were
creeping up in me again. I had a hard time trying to believe him, that it seemed to be easier and less
important for him than it was for me. Not a problem in other words. I knew I couldn't switch off my
worries just like that, but if he kept going on the way he had, I really might start to believe. And his 'I love
you' left me breathless!

She didn't leave me much time to think though. By late afternoon I didn't know what to think
anymore. I wanted to start a new life, I had this way cute boyfriend that I liked more than a lot. But her
crying, her begging me to stay was tearing me apart. She'd finally even gotten to the point where she was
willing to live with me the way I was now. My arms hurt from the tearing. I drew a bath to escape the
insanity but that didn't work either of course. I was totally confused, I didn't know what to think at all
anymore. I'd made up my mind to go and see him again today. I wanted to find out what I felt. Her crying
had almost gotten the better of me and it only went on while I was sitting in the tub, getting ready for him.
She begged me not to go and cried. I begged her to let me find out what I wanted and cried as well. The
tension never let off and I was so badly torn that I'd almost cut me to pieces shaving my legs. When I
finally emerged from the bathroom I had only one thing on my mind. Out of this mad house to breathe for
a second. I was too messed up to drive I realized when I called him and I guess so did he, even over the
phone, so he didn't hesitate to agree to pick me up. Then I carefully picked what to wear and got ready.
This might be our last night, so I wanted to look my very best. I still hadn't eaten since breakfast and that
had only been a halfhearted slice of toast. It was still at least twenty minutes until he'd arrive, but I
couldn't stay any longer. I took my shoes and my coat and fled.

The thoughts tormenting me didn't leave of course, but at least silence returned... and normal life
around me. Just the evening of Christmas Day. Nothing special. I tried to slow my breathing and my pace.
I was walking way too fast and I didn't want to stand around and wait for him. Arriving there on time
would be much better and I wouldn't freeze that much. That didn't happen of course. I was at least ten
minutes early. Nothing left to do but wait and think. This insanity had to stop. I'd reached a point were
'thinking' only meant fragments of words and incidents crashing into my conscious mind and disappearing
again at once.

When he finally arrived and I could hold and kiss him again, I slowly started to wind down at last.
I just held him close, held him tight as if I was clinging onto him for dear life. It actually even felt a little
bit like it. Then I asked him to take me away. After a few minutes of driving the feeling of safety and
security came rushing back to me. I somehow always felt like that when I was sitting next to him in his
car. It seemed to wash out all the tension and worries inside my body. The darkness added its magic to it
somehow. Sometimes I wished he would drive on like that forever, right into the darkness and never ever
stop again. Safe and sound right next to him, like a baby in her mothers arms. As the tension subsided I
finally realized how hungry I was and so I asked him to go to a McDonalds or something. He had already
eaten, but I guess he was happy that I was starting to get back to normal, so he smiled and drove on. If I
had known in advance how far away the next McDonalds was, I probably wouldn't even have asked. Not
that I minded sitting next to him while he drove forever, but all this cost him. At least tonight we had all
the time we wanted. I still wasn't sure if this was our last night together or not, but I would make sure -
whichever way this ended or not ended - to make (and take) as much out of this as possible. When we
went into the restaurant I suddenly started feeling shy for some odd reason. I was already safe in his arm
but I tried to almost merge with him now and begged him to order for me. I didn't quite know why I was
feeling this way, but then this had been the weirdest day in a row of weird days. I made sure I got to pay
this time though. He hadn't left me the chance to do so thus far and I felt I owed him enough already.
When we took a seat right next to a little crowd I started feeling a little uneasy again. I still didn't know
exactly why. I'd already done all this before... maybe it was because I was with him now. Because there
was this man - my boyfriend - sitting across from me. And I was still a little messed up from the events of
this day too. When I remembered what had happened thus far I didn't know what to do anymore. He
looked so lovely, so handsome. I saw loads of emotions in his eyes, I saw his feelings for me... it almost
made me choke on my words. But something inside me made me say them anyway.

"Please... don't fall in love with me yet. Don't get me wrong, I really do like you a whole lot. But
all this is so confusing and..."

Words failed me then. I saw hurt in his eyes. Not much, but a little. He was worried now.
Dammit, I didn't want that! But what had I expected? Him telling me that it was perfectly alright and he'd
just wait until I made up my mind? His slightly hurt look made me wonder why I'd said that at all. All he
did was make me feel good. What reason was there to give that away? I forced the worries out of my
mind. I'd had more than enough of them all day and I was sick of it!

When I was done eating I felt a whole lot better. We were both smiling again and happily chatting
away. After a short trip to the bathroom, we were headed for his place again. He drove through the cities
this time instead of using the highway. I remember passing a shop with wedding gowns. The sight almost
choked me. A mixture of sadness and excitement ran through me. Pictures of my broken marriage rushed
through my mind, quickly followed by pictures of myself in one of those gowns, in the arms of the man
next to me. I breathed hard and he noticed and asked what was going on. I told him about the shop and he
nodded. He'd probably got it wrong, but I wasn't up to telling him about all of my thoughts yet.

The lights of the city at this time of night had something peaceful though. And Thorsten probably
too... as well as something enticing. I'd been joking about the HUGE, evil thing that seemed to live in his
pants this afternoon in our mails and he'd claimed it wasn't evil. And that it wouldn't bite either (except for
self defense). I guess I already knew then, that I was gonna find out later. And then we were at his place
again. Walking up the stairs and into his apartment, which I only did for the second time, started feeling
so familiar. As if the place was trying to welcome me, make me feel at ease and maybe even a little bit at
home. While he went into the kitchen to get drinks and an ashtray for me - it still amazed me how he
didn't mind me smoking at his place, even though he didn't smoke at all - I put away my jacket, stepped
out of my shoes, lit some candles and waited for him to return. After he'd placed the water and the ashtray
on the table I immediately climbed him again to kiss him. This was something I couldn't seem to get
enough of! It just felt too good. When we finally came back up for air we moved over to his couch again.
He turned on some music I'd thought inappropriate for a night of romance every other day. But at that
very instant it was just right and the songs would come back to haunt me for months after that night.

And our dance began, just like the night before. We kept kissing and cuddling and fondling and I
knew I was in heaven. When I straddled him this time I asked him not to cum already. I had other plans
for tonight, but I wasn't going to tell him yet. We got rid of his shirt and I started to slowly stroke his chest
and run my nails over his belly and his sides. Then I bend down to encircle his nipples with my tongue,
while I was still riding him. I couldn't get enough of his hard flesh underneath my fingers and my lips.
And neither of the little noises he made nor the look in his eyes.

This time it was easier for me to get undressed. I still was a little shy, but I knew now that he liked
me that way, so it was alright somehow. I did turn around again though. Anything but him seeing those
horrid falsies. I hurriedly pushed them back into the sweater and dropped the little pile behind one end of
the couch. I again left the bra where it was and immediately got back to serious kissing and caressing.
After a while I had the feeling that I was now ready for more. I suddenly got this little grin on my face and
innocently asked him:

"Say, isn't your bed bigger than this couch?"

He seriously looked a little dumbfounded for a second, but then he nodded. Apparently he
realized that I wanted more. We were mostly sitting upright now, entangled in some arcane pattern of
moving limbs and kissing when something crossed my mind. The very instant it had come to me, I knew
that I wanted it, desperately wanted it and the feeling got stronger every passing heartbeat. I just hoped he
wouldn't think I was being stupid.

"Can... can I ask you a favor?"

"Uhu... what would that be?

I bit my lip... then I looked into his eyes. I saw myself in there while I was holding on to his
wonderful body.

"Could... would you carry me over there? To your bed I mean? I dunno, it... it would mean a lot to
me I guess."

All this had been some kind of fairy tale to me and him carrying me was something I definitely
didn't want to miss out on. I knew I felt safe in his arms and this would be the ultimate thing to do. To
feel. I wanted to be there, cradled in his arms for evermore. And he smiled. And we kissed some more.
And then I was on my back and he was doing his magic to my body again. He somehow always knew
how to touch me and where. It was breathtaking and his lips kept running this fiery trail on my skin.
When I finally couldn't stand it anymore I got him on his back and let my fingers and lips and tongue run
wild. Even only touching him made me crazy. My belly was burning and my whole body was tingling
with lust and desire. And we could somehow go on forever. Once in a while take a little break, where I
would smoke a cigarette and we'd talk. But it never broke the spell. We were somehow riding on a wave,
wild at one time and slow and cuddly the other; up and down in this never-ending dance. It must have
been almost an hour later when I asked him if he wanted to go over to his bedroom now. He smiled and
nodded. We slowly disentangled and he got up. Before I even had the chance to think, his arms went
underneath my legs and around my back and he picked me up. He hadn't forgotten! I smiled as brightly as
I'd barely ever done before and my heart filled with unspeakable joy when he lifted me up to his chest. I
slipped my arms around his neck and instantly refused to do anything but feel this with every nerve in my
body.

"Hesdoinithesdoinithesdoinit..." raced through my mind.

I felt his warm skin on mine. I saw his face, his eyes. Not a single muscle twitched, as he carefully
carried me through his apartment. I felt like a feather in his arms, afloat, even within me. When I thought
he'd sort of drop me onto his bed, he slowly knelt on it instead and put me down so very carefully I barely
felt it when I finally touched the mattress. I felt a little bit like his prize that he now draped on his bed.
And boy did I feel good like that. I knew now that I wanted him tonight and he looked and acted like he
wanted it too. Once more I asked him to take his time. I didn't want him to cum before I had done all I
wanted to do to him. I smiled happily. This was so unbelievably good. This was our personal little heaven
now and I wanted to enjoy every single bit of it. He'd caressed me for a while and started to unhook my
bra now. I more than willingly got rid of that thing and pushed him on his back afterwards. I let him play
with my breasts while I kissed him and tenderly caressed his chest. After a little while I finally reached
my boiling point and then I knew that this was the time. I started frantically kissing his lips. Then I moved
further down, using my hands as well. I kissed his eyes, his cheeks, down his neck and bit him lightly.
When my lips had made it down to his chest, I suddenly lost control of my hands. They immediately
zipped down to his pants, stroking all over the place. Scratching his belly, stroking his thighs, running a
finger through the waistband of his pants. And the fire inside me was burning hotter. His moans got
louder too, when my tongue reached his belly button. My hands were running wild by now, stroking the
huge bulge in his pants again and again.

Then I looked up for a second. I wanted to see his face before I did this. I kept looking straight
into his eyes for as long as I could until I found the zipper of his pants with my teeth. Again I didn't know
where that idea had come from, but my body told me how to do it. It took me a moment to tightly grip the
zipper with my teeth, but then I slowly started to pull it down. I couldn't see his face anymore, but the
noises he made told me that he liked what I did. A lot! When I had it all the way down I looked up at him.
He was intently watching me, the expression on his face a mixture of a smile and pure lust. And I must
have looked pretty much the same. I asked him again not to accidentally cum already. I didn't know what
exactly, but I already had other things in mind for later on. Then I started to get rid of his pants. As soon
as he figured out what I was trying to do, pulling at the waistband, he helped me and lifted his bum. The
somewhat nondescript underwear of his slightly irritated me for a second. But then I quickly resolved that
I wasn't planning on theorizing about his underwear tonight; I'd get rid of it sooner than later and that I'd
find something nice for him to wear later on. Finally I had his pants all the way down and over his feet
and got rid of his socks while I was at it.

Now this was what his legs looked like. They were as well toned as the rest of his body. The little
hairs on them were interesting somehow. He didn't have any hair on his chest or his belly, so I was a teeny
tiny bit surprised. But then, he was a man after all. I inwardly shook my head about my own thoughts.
Then my glance returned to the huge bulge in his underwear. That thing _was_ monstrous.

He carefully pushed me onto my back right at the moment where I wanted to be touched and
caressed for a while. He was pretty hot by now and so was I. In one swift motion he took my legs and
pulled me right into his crotch. The next thing I knew was that my legs where over his shoulders and he
was dry humping me like mad. I felt his dick rubbing right between my legs and the sheer wildness of it
left me breathless. So this was what it was like to be taken... and boy did that feel good. How I whished I
could take away the stupid jeans I wore, but that wouldn't work for quite some time. At least the
"disgusting parts" were out of the way, so I could enjoy what he did. He'd taken me by surprise exploding
like that, but somehow it was just what I needed at that moment. The contrast to his tender caresses was
amazing and it was even more amazing that he seemed to know what to do at exactly the right times. Or
was it both of us simply riding on the same wave? Whatever it was, it was hellaciously good. And the
happiness rushing through me told me that this was where I belonged. Apparently I had gone home and it
was beyond my wildest dreams what it was like to be home. After a while he stopped again, probably just
in time before he exploded or tore my pants apart. And so we went back to making out on his bed and
exploring each other's bodies.

I knelt beside his legs and it didn't really take me that long to work my hands all the way up to the
fun zone again. When I finally had his penis out in the open the thing seemed to increase some more in
size. I'd never ever seen something that huge and I was a little shocked and scared for a moment. The fire
inside me didn't leave me much time to think though. I resolved to take my time to explore that thing and
so I got rid of his underwear and carefully touched it and then put it into my hands after a little while. His
penis felt soft and hard and warm. It pulsated slightly under my touch. I tried to tell myself again to take it
nice and slow and to savor every second of it, when I suddenly found my tongue lick the side of his penis
above my hand. My own body didn't seem to listen to me anymore. I had to laugh about myself a little.
Whatever, I thought, let yourself go, you seem to know what to do. He was watching and feeling me now.
When I took the time to look at him he had his eyes half closed and moaned lightly. He was lying on his
back, while I knelt over him. He was all naked and I was only wearing my jeans for certain reasons. I
must have been a weird mixture of Lolita, innocence incarnate and the worst bitch in heat. I knew how the
game was played. I'd played it often enough. But I'd never played it the way I had been meant to be and
now I was unsure which rules applied and how. It even left me breathless myself. I remember he said I'd
looked so sweet when I'd done that.

But now I couldn't restrain myself any longer. I was eager to play this game of love and find out
how it felt. I was floating on a cloud of happiness and lust when I finally stopped licking and lowered my
lips and mouth over his penis, stroking him with one hand all the time. He was so enormously huge
already and that thing seemed to still grow under my caressing. After a while I put my other hand on his
penis as well and stroked him with both hands while sucking on him. It somehow amazed me how there
was still enough of it left for even a third hand. It didn't take me long to get used to it and find my rhythm,
now twirling my tongue around the tip or running it up and down the length of what was securely
embedded between my sucking lips. My initial fear had now vanished completely and I looked straight
into his eyes from underneath my lashes out of half closed eyes. The look on his face then, matched the
frantic throbbing of his penis. It was amazing how I had this huge man in my little hands. He could have
squished me if he'd chosen to do so, without working up a sweat. But right now he was helplessly
rendered at my mercy. So this was cock sucking... and I didn't feel degraded at all. It was nice to share our
lust this way. And that thing was simply gorgeous. I just couldn't get enough of it. And I definitely took
my time to find out what he liked... and of course what I liked. Just doing him made me hotter than I'd
ever been before. I kept on playing with his penis for quite a while until I started to tire out a bit and
wanted to feel him do me. I still don't know how we managed but we had this silent accordance in our
dance, so we always traded places at just the right time. Just like the night before. I could get lost in
mostly receiving and so could he. Normally I would have wondered, but now I knew there was a give and
take. Of course we'd caress one another all the time, but being able to just lie there and do nothing but feel
was amazing. The one giving always knew the time to take would come. And there was more to it
somehow. It wasn't important anymore, at least not there, not between us. The balance was somehow
given, without having to watch it. I'd never felt a freedom like that before.

We must have been giving and taking for more than an hour, when I was finally so tense that I
needed a break. I didn't want this to be over, I wanted to enjoy this as long as I could. But one single touch
more and I would have exploded from sheer nerve tension. So we went back into his living room and
cuddled on his couch. I lit a cigarette which I needed badly then and he cuddled us up in a blanket. Again
it didn't feel like an interruption, more like the valley of a wave. I could feel his penis barely loose any of
its hardness all the time as it was firmly pressed against my back. It felt so good to be close to him and
just talk to him. Again I had the feeling I could stay like this forever. He had his arms around me and
softly caressed my tummy and my breasts, a mere whisper of a touch, just to tell me he was there. It was
immensely comforting. My breathing had slowed by the time I had finished my first cigarette, but the
warmth and tingling throughout my whole body was still there. After maybe another quarter of an hour
we'd both calmed down enough to get back to the crest of the wave again... and this time I wanted to feel
it break and take us with it. I smiled at him. I'd halfway turned around a while ago and we'd been stroking
one another. When he got up I took the time to take a look at him standing there in all his beauty,
completely naked, his penis still hard... not solid as a rock as it had been, but still quite an amazing sight. I
felt small and big at the same time in front of this demi god (he was one in my eyes and will probably
always be) and I knew this man's heart was beating for me. Then he picked me up again, holding me
closely to his naked flesh. My breasts were pressed against his chest and it felt as if an electric current
began to flow, intensifying the warmth in my body and turning it back into pure heat. Again he carefully
put me down on his bed. It was amazing to watch him. He didn't even twitch once.

And then we started our dance anew. It was late at night by now, but we had all the time we
wanted. Kissing him was so unbelievably good. And even better when he was stroking my little titts while
doing so. He had an amazing way of using his hands and tongue on me that drove me crazy. I was loosing
my mind within mere seconds. My hands were roaming over his body when I was able to control them
again. I finally pulled him up onto my chest so I could suck him again whilst still lying on my back and
underneath him. And of course I could watch him better this way. The play of emotions in his eyes and on
his face was a breathtaking sight. Underneath and in between all the burning heat and lust within me, my
heart went out to him there and then. All this here seemed so right and he made it feel right. He made me
the goddess next to him, _his_ goddess and I'd forever be grateful for this night especially. This was my
second first time and contrary to the first I'd always be happy to remember this one. The right time and the
right man would forever make it magical. Happiness and lust had by now merged within me and took me
to an unbelievable height and we frantically kept caressing each other, while I was happily sucking away
on his beautiful cock.

I'd actually wanted him to cum in my mouth, but when he was getting closer and his penis grew
even harder and yet still bigger again I started to get afraid. I'd never ever done this before and I figured
that choking was an embarrassing idea. Huge dick equals huge loads of sperm was nonsense of course but
my virgin heart wasn't gonna listen to reason right then. Him spurting on my face would have been nice I
thought... until I realized my make up would smear to hell then. I hated myself in moments like this. I
finally resolved to let him cum on my belly and my titts instead. Not really exactly what I had wanted but
then again, this was my first time. There was so much I had to learn and certain things simply had to wait,
if I wanted it or not. And, Jeezus, I did have all the time I needed, didn't I? There was no reason to try to
do it all in one single night. And after some more sucking I figured that it really didn't matter much
_where_ exactly he came, but simply that he did. On _my_ body! By my hands and lips. Right here and
now, as the grande finale to our magical dance. And so I began to suck and pump his cock in earnest. I
wanted to see and feel his orgasm now. He was close, I could see it in his eyes and feel it in his body
tensing up. I loved the way he moaned and I was making pretty funny noises myself as well by now. I
carefully pushed him back a tiny bit when I felt his penis twitch in my hands. I worked him with both my
hands now. He was very close, I knew it. What would it be like? Would I enjoy it too? The spiral was
turning tighter. My eyes went back and forth between his face and his penis in my hands. I loved the sight.
His muscles started contracting, his jaw clenched and his eyes - those beautiful eyes - were aglow with his
love and his lust.

And then he came, moaning loudly, all of his body locking up, his face an ever changing mirror of
emotions. I could see it seconds before it happened, I knew the time had come and I braced myself for it,
so I wouldn't miss a single thing. His penis twitched heavily and then I felt and saw his warm sperm
spurting on my body, sprinkling my belly and my breasts in milky white. So this is it, I thought... and I
loved it. I felt so wonderfully good. I just lay there, carefully caressing his body and bathing in that
feeling. A little while later his face was all calm and he smiled at me. His eyes were still gleaming.

But then I suddenly couldn't restrain myself. I simply had to bend down and over and before he
had even the barest chance to react I had his penis back in my mouth again to lick the remains of his
sperm off his wonderful thing. He _heavily_ twitched then.

"Aaaahhhhhhhh" he cried out, followed by _very_ heavy panting. "Jeeeeezus girl, that went right
through like a bolt of lightning!"

I couldn't help but smile a little deviously. But deep inside me, a little girl who'd just had sex with
a man for the first time was very proud that it could make that man feel this way.

"Hey... sperm _does_ taste good!" went through my mind a second or two later and I instantly
cracked up laughing the very moment I registered what I'd just thought.

This was just too much like a bad story. No one would ever believe me if I should tell this story
one day. He looked a little peeved and curious at the same time, so I told him what had gone through my
mind. I didn't want to ruin the magic now. And it was still there, between us. He had to smile too though,
when I told him. And so we settled on cuddling up for a little while and still bathing in this wonderful,
post orgasmic feeling. I got a little thirsty then and asked him if he had anything to drink except for water.

"All I got is wheat beer... I don't know if you'd like that!? It packs a harder punch than normal
beer though... you'd want to be careful with that stuff."

I had to smile a little but I figured one wouldn't kill me and it wasn't the first time I drank alcohol
either. In fact I had never tried wheat beer before, but somehow I felt like doing it tonight. If he drank it,
there would have to be something to it. And I wanted something alcoholic anyway.

"I've never had any before, but I guess I'd like to try it. Would you get me one please?"

When he returned with a bottle and a glass I didn't know that I would see both a whole lot more
often in my life from that point on. Him failing in pouring it correctly (and he'd done that a lot of times
before) told me that I'd probably done him pretty well. I liked that. The glass was tailor made for that kind
of beer, long and slender, bulging out towards the top. The funny thing was that when I finally held it in
my hand I suddenly had the feeling I was holding something else altogether in my hands. Something
that'd been there for quite a while for most of the last hour. It made me smile again. This time taking me
back to my first first time. It was almost ridiculous how real life turned out to feel less credible than
certain stories lately. I gave a rats ass, though.

We were lying close to one another on his bed by now. I was propped up on an elbow and
listening to the funny stories he told. It was wonderful just listening to him. And I had to laugh more than
once. I hadn't thought it was possible to see so many funny things in life. It was late at night by now but I
knew this was our night and I wanted it to last as long as possible. I had the feeling I could sit there and
listen to him forever anyway. And kiss him in between of course. And drink that beer that seemed to last
forever.

I was happy! That was for sure. All this made me feel as good as I'd never felt before. I never
even dreamt I could feel so good and so right. It was so easy to be what I was with him, it was almost
amazing. I knew he was tired as well, I could see it, but he didn't seem to want this night to end either.
Even when she called somewhere around four o'clock to see if I was still alive it didn't distract me much
either. It reminded me that I had a decision to make though. And got the heavy thoughts off my mind right
away again. Not now, not tonight. Especially if this really was the last night. I didn't know. And I didn't
want to know right now. I just wanted to feel good next to him and make him feel good as well.

And so we kept on sitting close and chatting away until we both couldn't suppress the yawns
anymore. I definitely didn't want to leave him, but the both of us were too tired to stay awake for much
longer. And he had to drive all the way back alone, after he took me home. I'd never in my life forgive
myself if something happened to him, just because I had tired him out too much. And I didn't have the
feeling that it would be a good bye forever. I felt content and somehow sure that there must be a way for
this future to blossom and unfold. It must have been way past five, when I finally got up, fetched my little
pile of clothing from the living room and reluctantly headed for the bathroom to get dressed and decent
again.

My make up still looked pretty much okay from the last time I took a trip to the bathroom, so I
really didn't bother much with it, but it somehow felt stupid now to wear the falsies again. He'd seen (and
touched) me without for quite some time twice in a row. But I'd worn them from the very dawn of it all
and I couldn't yet get quite used to the thought of maybe going without them. I guess it would still take
some time for me to see my breasts the way he did. And most of all, I'd instantly drop dead if he saw
them. So I put them where they had been... or rather tried to, as I suddenly realized my bra had landed
elsewhere and I'd locked myself into the bathroom without it. Dammit! I'd still worn it when he'd carried
me over into his bed room for the first time and I'd missed it when I picked up my clothes from the living
room. When I went back to retrieve it, someone grinning from one ear to the other was smugly asking if I
was missing anything. Said grinning person was holding up a finger that was looped through a bra string.

"Hrmpf!" I said or thought or something, snatched his trophy from his hands and went back into
the bathroom to finally get dressed.

Just like the night before we couldn't refrain from kissing when I emerged from the bathroom
again. Tired or not, there had to be time for kissing and cuddling. Both of us couldn't seem to get enough
of it! But alas, we had to get up and get going. Down the horrid stairs again and almost tripping over the
stupid doorsill, just like the night before. This was bound to kill me one day, I was sure. His arm around
me again and I felt the night return in one single emotion wavering through my whole existence and
warming my physical body. The weather was even worse than the night before. It had been raining
slightly and a thin icy slick was on the roads. He carefully led me over to his car and opened the door for
me. He again drove very carefully, even more so because the roads were now even worse. A few cars
were speeding by on the highway. He stayed calm and concentrated on the road. I just shook my head. I
think I even told him that I was glad he was driving the way he did and what I thought about those morons
speeding by in this weather.

Finally we were back near my house again, this time even a little closer. I still hadn't told him
exactly where I lived and he didn't know my last name either. Funny somehow. I guess I was still a little
paranoid. Maybe this was simply all still very new to me. But this was not the time. As soon as he killed
the engine I leaned over to him. It had only been a twenty-five minute ride but I was already yearning for
a kiss or ten again. And even though I was very tired by now I felt like last night all over again. I didn't
wanna go! I didn't want to miss this feeling and most of all I didn't know what tomorrow would bring. I'd
gone to see him to find out what I wanted. I'd had sex with him. Because I wanted to get as close as
possible and feel as much as I could before I left. Forever?! I pushed it off my mind and held him tighter.
His hair underneath my fingers felt so incredibly good. I couldn't stop running my fingers through it. And
so I kept kissing him, or he kept kissing me. It became even more frenzied than the night before. I'd really
done it! I'd really been in bed with him, floated back into my mind. And it had been wonderful. And he
had been just the right man for my first time. Somehow I knew this right there and then and the passing
months and years should only prove that I was right. His hands and lips touching me told me I was safe
and sound in his arms and despite the time, it still made me weak and sent butterflies roaming through my
belly. Only when he finally couldn't suppress his tiredness anymore I let him go. I didn't want this
wonderful night to end in his death on the roads and it was _very_ late (or rather early) by now. So I
reluctantly got out of the car, only to lean back in again a few times to kiss him some more. The tired
smile on his face was immensely cute and I had to use all my willpower to tell him to drive back home.

I wasn't sure whether I was really touching the ground or not when I finally turned my glance
away from his taillights that had by now disappeared. I simply floated to my place, completely lost in
emotions and happiness, up the stairs and into my apartment. No one would be up around this time so I
didn't need to be so badly careful. I slipped into the bathroom, got undressed and washed my face, before
finally getting into bed and drift away into blissful sleep. Or so I thought.

When I came into the bedroom she started mayhem. Right out of the blue my inner peace
shattered like glass. The ensuing discussion was anything but short or fair. She kept asking and asking and
crying and accusing and fighting. My head spun. She'd gotten me by surprise and now I didn't know what
to do anymore. I was suddenly afraid of my own future. By the time she finally slept, I lay awake, racking
my brains for an answer. Did I really want to leave her? Could I leave her? How much would she hurt me
when I did? Could I live on my own? Would Thorsten support me? And what if he finally found out he
couldn't live with someone like me? In her uneasy sleep she didn't know she'd gotten me. I kept adding up
fears and pro's and con's in my mind, over and over again, but there didn't seem to be a key, didn't seem to
be a way I could safely go. When I finally fell asleep, it was from pure exhaustion. And I still wasn't any
wiser. Only all my fears kept haunting me through a morning of fitful sleep.

It must have been somewhere in the early afternoon, when her coming into the bedroom woke me.
I still hadn't recuperated from last night and so her words only shocked me more:

"I'll let you free. I realized I can't hold you back and I was the one to tell you we'd have to part
and I can't destroy your new future and I don't have any right to stand in your way."

I could really feel she meant what she had just said. And I could feel how bad she hurt and how
much she still loved me to come up with that decision. As odd as it may be, that tipped the scales into a
completely different direction. I didn't want her to say things like that. Somewhere in my ensuing reverie I
must have gotten up to finally have breakfast. Maybe some food and coffee would help me think. Finally I
called him. I needed to hear his voice, to somehow be close to him for a moment. Why had life to be so
unfair? I was filled to the brim with mixed emotions. I felt a little better talking to him for a while. When
he asked if we could see each other I told him I had to stay home. I'd promised her last night when I was
getting ready to see him. I still felt the same for him, this I knew for sure after I hung up. But how could
all this go on? What was I to do?

Hours later I finally went back to her and told her that I would leave him to stay with her. My old
life wouldn't let me go and my new life had not yet fully begun. She even protested. She really must have
made up her mind to get to her decision when she woke me. But I'd finally realized that I was too afraid to
let go. Maybe we'd needed to realize how much really parting hurt to find out what we had to do. We had
a very long talk after that until we both were sure we wanted to go on together.

Then I was on my own again. I had to leave him and I had absolutely no clue how I was to do
that. And it hurt! I didn't feel less for him all of a sudden, it was just that she was stronger, now that she
had turned around. This was the first time in my life I had to do something like that and I was completely
lost at what to do. All I knew was that I would never do anything to him that had hurt me in the past. I
wasn't gonna lie to him, I was gonna tell him why and give him the real reason why I had to do this and I
was gonna do that in person. Not on the phone, not in a mail, or a letter, or message. As bad as the thought
alone hurt, I would tell him face to face. To make things even more miserable, he was gone, checking up
on a friend of his, whose girl friend had left that night. The sheer thought that I had to do the same to him,
when he got home didn't make me feel better at all. And the time kept ticking away, while I was trapped
in my bedroom. And I didn't seem to reach him. In the end, he had more than thirty calls in absence on his
cell phone and another dozen on his phone at home. Plus one message each on both phones' answering
machines. When I finally reached him late at night, I got all tense because I finally had to do what I had to
do and at the same time all tension escaped my body, because I didn't have to wait endlessly anymore. I
just told him that I _had_ to talk to him and that I _had_ to see him for that and that it _had_ to be right
now. I'll never know why, but he agreed right away without asking a single question and I instantly got on
my way.

He probably must have sensed what was going on. I had been quite persistent to see him tonight
even though it was past midnight by now and I really didn't smile a lot. The thought about hurting both of
us had made me sick all through that drive over to him. When we sat on the couch I quickly forced the
words out. I'd never done this before and I felt incredibly bad that I had to hurt him. And so I told him,
that when I left his place I wouldn't be his girlfriend anymore. I kept telling him how sorry I was and how
bad I felt for hurting him. My own heart bled. And I told him if he still wanted to he could have me again.
When he declined I realized how stupid that idea was. He was right, it would only hurt worse. But I didn't
know what to do to comfort him at least a little. Or to not make him feel so bad. I just couldn't think
clearly anymore. And the look of pain in his eyes, the very same eyes that were radiating with love and
lust not 24 hours ago. I started to cry then and had to hold on to him. I didn't know what to do anymore. I
wanted to hurt him as little as somehow possible, so I left it up to him if he wanted me to stay for a little
while longer or not. I was somehow glad he wanted me to stay for a moment. I tried to explain to him why
I couldn't go on with him, because he didn't deserve lies. And he was still being a peach of a man, even in
his pain. He tried to comfort me and assured me that I wasn't the heartless bitch that I said I was. And so
we sat there, still kissing one another and in each others arms, both our hearts broken. He was watching
"From dusk till dawn" and in those moments of silence things started to get gory on the screen and I
instantly had to turn away and hide my face in his chest. That very instant I knew I loved him. And still I
had to go. I think I went a little numb after that.

When he finally couldn't take it anymore he asked me to leave. Not once that night had he been
mad at me, not once had he tried to hurt me back. Even now. After I got dressed he led me to the door. I
took one final look around, sucking everything in. I felt a little stupid to try to burn every image of his
apartment into my brains, but I didn't care much then. I didn't think anymore, I just felt. It took an
incredible amount of willpower to suppress my tears. Out of the living room, one last time, past the
kitchen and the bathroom, one last time, a look into his bedroom, where he'd led me to heaven for the first
time... one last time. And down the stairs we went. This time I finally managed to stumble over the
doorsill and only caught myself in the very last moment before spread-eagling myself right in front of
him. Then I turned around and kissed him. I just couldn't go without doing that. When he let me go this
time I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and they slowly started to run.

"I love you Thorsten!" where my last words to him before I turned around into the rain and
stumbled over to my car. I knew know that I did love him and I just had to tell him. I didn't want to leave
him, but I had to. It tore me apart. 'You can't see tears in the rain' kept running through my head when I
opened the door of my car. By now I was sobbing badly. Playing "Heaven" over and over again on my
way back home didn't make things any better. I didn't stop crying all the way. It will always remain a
miracle to me that I didn't kill myself in a car accident that night. Rain and my tears denied me nearly all
of my sight. And every time the song started anew it felt like someone twisted a knife in my heart and the
sobs only racked me worse.

It took months for me to get over him at least a little bit and to accept that I'd lost him. The only
consolation I will ever find is that by now he resembles someone almost divine to me forever! There
hadn't been one bad word in the brief time that we had and _everything_ I'd done with him had been
wonderful and new to me. He was everything a girl could whish for, flawless in any possible way and
there couldn't have been a better man walking this planet to share my first time and my first love with. I
don't know where my life will take me, but those moments in heaven will forever be engraved upon my
heart.

"I still regret
I turned my back on you
No one makes me feel the way you do
Never meant to cause you trouble
Never meant to do you harm
I was weakened by temptation ´s wing of charm

I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven

Almost drowning in the sea of sin
Can you ease the pain I feel within
Never meant to cause you trouble
Never meant to do you harm
I was weakened by temptation ´s wing of charm

I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven

Never meant to cause you trouble
Never meant to do you harm
I was weakened by temptation ´s wing of charm
Never meant to cause you trouble
Never meant to do you harm
I was weakened by temptation ´s wing of charm

I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend

I want to be forgiven
I want to hold you in my arms again
To be forgiven
'Cause I still need a friend
I want to be forgiven"

Sylver - Forgiven