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Chapter 7
Saturday, March 24, 1990

Robbie was never a good candidate for Little League. Consequently, he took constant jibes from the other boys for accidentally dropping a fly ball that allowed the opposing team to score. His lack of athletic ability was not in question even for Robbie. He only played baseball because he wanted to make his father proud of him. His biggest dream... an unattainable fantasy looking back at it now... had always been to gain his father’s admiration.

Admittedly, Robbie’s uniform was the smallest uniform that I'd ever seen on a boy. Robbie, however, was the smallest and shortest one on the field.

Brock Anders, who was Robbie’s coach, had a hell of a time finding a uniform to fit my best friend. The coach eventually had to order one from his daughter’s Bobby Sox catalogue.

The colors of the uniform were the same San Diego Lions colors his teammates wore… maroon and teal… and the patches matched the other boys' exactly but they could still tell that Robbie was wearing a girl’s uniform. The pockets were in a different position and there was a small regulation girl’s logo embroidered on the sleeve. Hana had pulled the threads from the fabric, but the impression of the girl waiving her bat remained.
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I looked at Robert Shannon and he seemed proud of his son. I had never seen him smile around Robbie except when Robie was trying to play baseball. Even when he failed, Robert encouraged Robbie to push on to “the goal”.

As Robbie approached the batter’s box for batting practice, Hana had her arms wrapped tightly around her husband’s waist. She gave him a peck on his cheek as little Jun tugged at her mother’s pant leg. She finally joined them in her mother’s arms.
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Jeremy Ramsgate was tossing fast balls and they were gaining speed and getting closer to Robbie with each cycle of pitches.

Ron Stallwarth, Jeremy's coach, warned thim to back off but Jeremy aimed for Robbie's groin and the ball found it's mark. On contact with the ball, Robbie grimaced and doubled over so fast that the Shannons, the umpire, Coach Anders and Coach Stallwarth were beside him faster than any of us could blink our eyes.
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“Are you all right son?”

Those words came out in a sort of unison from all the adults that surrounded him. As Robbie looked up at them, uncontrollable tears were tumbling from his eyes.

“Yeah, guys, I think I am.”

Robbie wiped his eyes and slowly got to his feet, trying to walk off the pain. As I watched him get up it was obvious that he was feeling a tremendous sting to his groin. If it was me who had caught the fastball exactly the way that Robbie had I’d still be down and waiting for the stretcher to take me off the field.

Jeremy Ramsgate just stood laughing at Robbie like a hyena. Coach Stallwarth nearly hauled off and knocked the pitcher up the side of his head, but stopped just short of contact. Jeremy just kept on laughing and because of that, causing Coach Stallwarth to suspend him the next four Saturdays.
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“Are you sure you're alright son?” Robert Shannon's concern was clearly evident.

Robbie looked at his father as his tears diminished. The elder Shannon’s blurred image slowly came into focus. Robbie nodded his head up and down as Hana lovingly brushed his forehead with her fingers. Jun held her brother’s hand and kissed it.

“I’m okay, Daddy,” Robbie said, pleading. He then turned to his mother, “Momma? Please let me play some more. I don’t want the boys to make fun of me. They already think that I’m a sissy. I’ll be okay, Momma. Really, I will.”

Hana Shannon had tremendous doubts that it would be wise to let him continue playing after being hit by the ball but she deferred to her husband. Robbie tugged at his father’s gigantic hand.

“Please, Daddy. Let me play?”

“Well, if you think you’ll be okay, son. Why not?”

Robert smiled. He didn’t want to yank his son from the game.

“If you feel like it,” Robert said, “get back in there and play some ball!”

Robert Shannon beamed with pride because son had refused to give up. Hana, however, was still having second thoughts. She reluctantly allowed her son to return to the game. In spite of it all, she couldn’t help but think how much bigger the other boys were compared to her little boy.

He’ll make a fine man some day, Robert thought to himself while caressing his wife’s hand. Then he said out loud, “He’ll make a fine man some day, Hana. You’ll see.”

Hana bit her tongue and remained silent.
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It was proving to be a rough day for Robbie Shannon. Aside from being hit by a fast ball during batting practice, he dropped a fly ball in the fourth inning that gave the opposing team a one-point advantage and proved to eventually be the winning run.

Before the game ended Robbie took another fast ball to his groin.

The pitch came from Keith Dunbarton of the North City West Stallions. Keith had not been tossing the ball trying to hit Robbie but he lost it when a seagull flew on the diamond and obscured his view and concentration.

Keith instinctively knew that the ball had made contact with the smaller boy. When he heard the oomph of air leaving Robbie’s abdomen he ran to his side beating both the elder Shannons, the umpire and both coaches to home plate.

Keith Dunbarton was choked up. “I'm really sorry, Robbie. I really am.”

Jeremy Ramsgate, the suspended pitcher, just sat on the bench howling with glee. Jeremy taunted Robbie with a viciousness that was unimaginable. The vicious boy would rather laugh it up than rush over see if his teammate was alright like all of the other boys were doing. His actions at that moment would eventually earn the six-year-old a suspension for the rest of the season.
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By the time the adults arrived on field, Robbie was doubled up into a fetal position and close to losing consciousness. Hana instantly became hysterical and tears began to stream down her face. Jun began to cry when she saw her brother laying on home plate. Robert just bit his lip and tried to look like he wasn’t concerned.

“I told you he shouldn’t play sports, Robert,” Hana scolded. “He’s so much smaller than all of the other boys and now look at him.”

“Damn it, Hana. Playing ball is giving Robbie the character he needs to be a man.”

Robert Shannon’s persistence that his son had the chance to prove himself rough-and-tumble just like other boys never faltered. In opposition to his wife’s tears, Robert's belief was that all of things were working together for his son’s own good.
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“Are you okay, son? Please wake up.” Robert pleaded, “Please wake up.”

Robbie was not responding to anything on the field. Seeing that, Hana Shannon feared the worst. “If he’s dead, Robert…”

“Wait just a goddamn minute, Hana. The boy’s not dead. He’s just had the wind knocked out of him… that’s all… dammit… what do you think, Anders?”

“Well, Bob, he’s definitely out of it… I bet he’s in a lot of pain… but I’ve seen worse.”

Brock Anders was lying. He had never seen anything worse than this.

Robbie remained unconscious for almost fifteen minutes.

“Believe me, Hana… Bob… I’ve seen worse.” He hadn't but Anders and the other officials needed to stall for time. “I’ve got some smelling salts here. Let me run them under his nose.”

As the pungent aroma filled the nostrils of the small boy, Robbie momentarily regained his senses but quickly passed out again.

Brock Anders responded by giving the boy another whiff of the salts. He awoke momentarily but was soon unconscious. Three more whiffs of the salts seemed to work.
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Robbie was awake and was able to retain consciousness.

“Momma? Daddy?”

Although he was definitely awake, Robbie didn’t know where he was for several minutes.

“What happened? Where am I?”

“You were hit by a fast ball again, son,” Coach Anders said. “I’m setting you on the bench for a couple of games. You’ll need time to recuperate.”

Robbie’s eyes filled with tears and he said, “But what are the other boys going to say about me? They already think that I’m a sissy. If I have to sit on the bench they’ll have even more things to tease me with.”

Robbie’s tears hid a lot more than his disappointment. I would later find out that he was in tremendous pain. But if anything my best friend was a trooper. He was good at hiding his emotions when need be.

“No more Little League for you, Robbie,” Hana said. “And I don’t want to hear another word from you, Robert.”

Hana knelt down, picked up her child and cradled him in her arms. She was serious when she said that she would curtail his athletic endeavor. Robert’s obviously irritation with his young wife lost out in the end to his wife’s persistence. Hana got her way this time. Robbie would never again play sports involving contact of any kind.
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Chapter 8
Tuesday, March 27, 1990

Robbie had complained bitterly about the pain in his groin for several days. He was unable to stand for prolonged periods of time and even when he sat down he was in extreme agony. He had trouble urinating and he told me every time I saw him that he’d do anything in the world to free himself of his torment.

Hana Shannon took Robbie to see his pediatrician and since his father was already in New York City, she’d have to go it alone. My father died when I was two but I’d like to think that if he saw my pain he’d be there for me. Robbie told me that his father was angry with him but wouldn’t tell me why. I’ll never understand grown ups. It was like Robert thought that it was Robbie’s fault that he was hit by those pitches? Give me a break!
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“Good morning, Shannons!”

Dr. Sandra Hart had been Robbie’s pediatrician since childhood. She became mine, too, when we moved here from New York City. To say that she was a very nice lady was a bit of an understatement.

“I’m going to give you an examination, Robbie,” she said. “I promise that I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.”

“It can’t be more painful than now,” he said. “Thank you, ma'am.”

All in all, Robbie looked like he was on death’s door.

“I understand, honey. I’m going to have you take off your clothes and sit in this chair.”

“Okay, doctor.”

While Robbie undressed, Sandra Hart and Hana discussed how Robbie had been doing since the accident. Hana told her that he was always in pain and cried almost all the time. Hana started to cry and Dr. Hart took her hand, stroking it.

“I’ll do my best to end his pain, Hana.”

“Thank you, Sandra. I know you will.”

“How’s Robert taking all of this?”

“He blames everyone and everything but himself. He seems to think that Robbie got hit by those balls on purpose.”

“No? He thinks Robbie intentionally got in the way of a fast ball?”

“Sandra, Robert thinks about only one thing and that is himself… or his dear little law firm in New York. I’ve tried to get him to move back to San Diego but he says that we wouldn’t be able to afford the finer things in life. He thinks Robbie is trying to hinder his progress gaining a full partnership with the firm. I thought the least he could do was be here and show some love to Robbie and me.”

“And?”

“I just don’t understand his reasoning. The only way he’ll come back to San Diego right now is if Robbie, Jun or I were actually dying. He doesn’t care what happens to Robbie.”

“That's a shame.”

“Now, if Robbie was dead, that would be another story. He’d gain empathy from everyone around him in the Big Apple.”

“And how is Robbie taking it?”

“He wants the hurting to stop.”

Robbie had finished undressing and was sitting in the chair. Jun sat beside him and patted his hand lovingly.

Dr. Hart asked Robbie to stand up. When he did, he looked like he was going to fall over. He managed to get to his feet.

Sandra cupped Robbie's scrotum in her hands and he grimaced. She noticed that Robbie’s penis was a deep purplish-blue and that the tip of his urethra had been bleeding.

“Does it hurt when you urinate, Robbie?”

“Yes, ma'am. I cry a lot.”

“I see.”

“Momma tries helping me. She puts an ice pack on it. I’m burning up, though. Even now, ma'am.”

Hana confirmed that she had been putting an ice pack on Robbie’s penis. As they are talked, the nurse handed the Dr. Hart the results of the tests she had run last Friday.

The doctor’s face saddened. She obviously saw something in the test results that she didn’t like. She asked Hana to come to her office where they could talk alone, freely, out of earshot from the young child.

“You can put your clothes on Robbie,” Dr. Hart said. “Your mother and I will be back shortly.”

Jun helped her brother with his clothes. When he was dressed, Robbie collapsed into the chair.
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“I don’t know how to break this to you any easier, Hana. Robbie’s test results are not good.”

“What do you mean, Sandra? Is Robbie going to die?”

“No, honey. Not right now, at least. Robbie’s a very sick little boy and we have to do something for him before he becomes any sicker.”

“Oh? What do we have to do, Sandra?”

“This might seem drastic, honey, but we have to remove Robbie’s infected organs. If we don’t, his infection will spread farther and he most likely will die.”

“Die?”

“Yes, Hana. He will. I’m sorry.”

Hana started to cry.

“You have to remove his penis and his testicles?”

“Yes, honey. If there was any other way to save his penis, I’d do it in a flash. His testes are already dead.”

Hana began sobbing bitterly.

“I told Robert that I didn’t want Robbie to play Little League. Robbie told me that he didn’t want to play either. He just wanted to please his daddy. He just wanted to make his daddy proud of him, Sandra. Now, how do I tell my husband Robbie's going to lose his penis. How do I tell Robbie? How do I tell them that what makes Robbie a boy will be gone? What’ll Robbie’s friends say about him?”

“No one will have to know about the surgery, Hana. When he gets older we can get him on a hormonal regiment that will make him look just like the other boys.”

“Sandra, I don’t think Robbie will ever look like the other boys.”

Hana giggled a bit through her tears. Robbie was trying but he really didn't match up to his male classmates.

“Well, honey, we can make him look as manly as possible. He’ll just need to take testosterone injections when he reaches puberty.”

“Is this really the only way... to take his penis from him?”

Hana’s tears had erased all traces of makeup from her face.

“Why couldn’t Robert be here with me for this? He’s always thinking about himself and that goddamned law firm of his. What’ll I say to my husband, Sandra?”

The pediatrician thought for a while, trying to come up with a way to tell Robert that removing his son's penis and testes is necessary for his survival.

“I’ll call him if you’d like. If he has any questions I can answer them for him.”

“Would you, Sandra? Please?”

“Hana, the only reason I am considering this operation for Robbie is to stop the risk of further infection. Do you understand? I don’t want to hurt Robbie. I don't want to turn him into a girl. I only want what is best for him.”

“I believe you, Sandra. How are we going to tell Robbie? I don't want him to think he's blemished and unloved.”

“He’s a strong boy, Hana. If he knows that we are doing this to save his life, I think he’ll understand.”

“Yes. But how are we to tell him that we need to take away the things that define him as a boy?”

“I’ll help you, Hana, if Robert doesn’t.”
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Sandra Hart picked up the phone and dialed Robert’s office in New York City.

“Stillman, Thorenson and Hatcher. My name is Christine. How may I help you?”

The operator talked in a typical New York accent.

“Hello, Christine. Robert Shannon, please. This is Doctor Sandra Hart.”

Sandra Hart waited while the operator attempted to put her through.

“Robert Shannon here. How may I help you?”

“Robert? How are you? This is Sandra Hart, Robbie’s pediatrician.”

“Yes, Dr. Hart! I’m fine. How are you?”

“Fine. I’ve got Hana here on the speaker phone and we need to discuss some things regarding Robbie's accident with you.”

“Is he okay?” Robert sounded worried. “Are you okay, Hana?”

“I wish you were here, Robert.”

“I would if I could, honey. You know that. How’s Robbie? Is he okay?”

“He'll be, Robert,” Sandra Hart said, “but he needs surgery.”

“Surgery?”

“Yes, Robert. The earliest I can schedule a team is Thursday. I would recommend a speedier surgery, but you know how it is when you need to assemble a team at a moment’s notice. I’d like to operate on Thursday at nine o’clock.”

“Operate?” Robert repeated himself.

“Yes, Robert. We have to operate. Robbie’s accident initiated an infection that has began spreading throughout his body. I’ve got him on medication for the moment, but it’s not working. I would not recommend this surgery if your son was not in grave danger. I need to remove his infected organs.”

“What do you mean, remove his infected organs?”

“Well, Robert, I have to remove Robbie’s penile and testicular tissues.”

“Remove? Penile tissue? Testicular tissue? What the hell?”

Robert Shannon’s voice became highly intense and he became more irritated with each of the doctor's words.

“His penis is irreversibly infected, Robert. I have to perform an orchidectomy and a penectomy. It’s truly the only way to save Robbie’s life.”

“You’re going to castrate my son? What the hell are you saying. Is this a joke?”

“No. It’s not, Robert. Your son is a very sick little boy. If I do not operate, he may very well die... he will die.”

“Maybe it would be better if he were dead than to grow up without his dick.”

“Robert Shannon!” Hana interrupted. “You bastard! Once again you’re trying to save your own feelings while not thinking of Robbie's at all.”

“Keep out of this, Hana. Robbie’s life will be ruined if he loses his dick. Maybe he should die if he’s going to lose his manhood.”

“Fuck you, Robert.” Hana is royally pissed. “Who died and made you God?”

“I’m a man, Hana.”

“And because I’m a woman, I have no say in this matter? Is that what you’re saying?”

“You’ve got it, babe.”

“Fuck you, Robert!”

Dr. Hart interrupted Hana and Robert.

“Robert, please don’t make this into a personal thing. Your son is very sick; he cannot stand up; it is painful fro him to urinate; his penis is bleeding and it’s been long enough after the accident to deduce nothing will improve. He should have began healing by now, but he hasn’t, Robert. We need to operate so that he has a chance of getting better.”

“Hana? You're buying into this cockamamie scheme to turn my son into a chick, but I won’t.”

“My conclusions are not cockamamie, Robert, and it's not a scheme. Besides, the operation won’t turn Robbie into a girl but your arrogance may well cost him his life. There’s something I didn’t tell Hana…”

Hana looked at Sandra Hart inquisitively. Robert’s silence was stifling.

“So?” Robert barked.

“Because we needed to find proper medication for Robbie, we ran a hormone series on Robbie. The results just came in today and his chromosomes are ‘XX’.”

“‘XX’?” Hana squealed. This was the first time she heard of the hormone tests. “But aren’t those girl chromosomes?”

Sandra Hart smiled at Hana but Robert couldn't see the doctor's expression.

“They are, Hana.”

“What is this bullshit?” Robert almost burst a blood vessel. “How can Robbie have ‘XX’ chromosomes? Boys are ‘XY’.”

“I can’t argue with science, Robert,” Sandra said. “I don’t understand why, but he is definitely is ‘XX’. All other gene markers are common to you and Hana. These results definitely belong to your child, Robbie. This is not a mistake.”

“I’d like a second opinion on your bull shit test results.” Robert spat into his phone, “You’re a quack that wants to rob my son of his birthright. You want to make him into a goddamned girl.”

“You’re entitled to your opinion, Robert. I'm right. The test results are right. You’re entitled to a second opinion, but it won't change your child's chromosomes. However, the longer that you wait for second opinions, the sicker Robbie will become. Can you live with killing your child?”

Sandra Hart desperately wanted to refer to Robbie as his “daughter” but she bit her lip. She was disappointed with Robert Shannon.

Robert irately slammed his phone in the ears of his wife and the doctor.
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Hana Shannon returned to Sandra Hart’s office that afternoon. After receiving the news that Robbie’s chromosomes were definitely female, Dr. Hart decided to run a series of CAT scans on Robbie. To that point, since Robbie hadn’t had internal injuries so there had been no need to give him an internal work-up.
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“Hana, I have the CAT scans here. By the way, they’re taking Robbie back to his room and you can visit with him when we finish here. His courage cheers me so much.”

“I know, Sandra. He’s always cheering me too!”

“You know what a CAT scan is, of course. It’s a three-dimensional picture of what is going on inside someone’s body. I centered on Robbie’s reproductive tract and although I'd like to discuss the scans with a couple of my colleagues, these are my findings.”

Sandra Hart attached several pictures to a light box attached to the wall in her office. Hana’s eyes widened. She had seen scans of her own reproductive tract when it was thought that she would need a hysterectomy. Fortunately, she didn’t need one. She had also studied anatomy in school and realized that what she saw in her son’s CAT scans was clearly that of a six-year-old girl.

But there were definitely little boy parts there too.
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“I don’t understand, Sandra, how can Robbie have ovaries and a uterus? He's a boy. I should know because I bathe him and he comes to me when he's hurt. You examined his penis. You held his scrotum in your hands...”

“I can't argue with these scans, honey. Robbie seems to have a reproductive tract that someday will be fully capable of conceiving and bringing a child to full term.”

“Robbie’s a girl? He can have babies? But he has a penis and testicles? I don’t understand?”

“I need to do some more research, Hana. When I come back with an answer I’ll let you know. I would suspect that Robbie is hermaphroditic. The pictures seem to bear that out. But I need to do some research.”

“I appreciate it, doctor. Thank you.”