The scent was strong, acrid, maybe even a little sweet but unmistakably chemical, it was difficult to pin down any of the separate notes of the scent.

“Keep your fingers straight.” she instructed.

“Uh, sorry…” is all I managed, having suddenly been pulled out of my amateur scent analysis of the nail polish fumes.

“I know you've done this before, surely you know to keep your fingers straight, is something bothering you Jacob?” Laura enquired.

Laura was my older brother's girlfriend, she was shorter than me, with long reddish brown dyed hair, her face was a little round, soft and gentle. I'd never seen her without makeup on, and the makeup she did wear varied a lot from day to day as she clearly enjoyed switching things up and trying new looks. Her makeup was on the less dramatic side today though she certainly wasn't going for a neutral look.She had a blend of autumn colours across her eyelids and her lips were a matte dark pinky colour.

“Just thinking about my first week at uni coming up…” I wasn't lying but Laura could tell I wasn't saying everything “ Anything more specific?”

“Well, uh…” I started, and maybe I was getting high off the nail polish fumes because I continued honestly
“I was thinking about how people often use transitions to new social environments to have a go at being a different person, I kinda wanna be a different person.”

“Oh, well I know we don't know each other that well, but I'm here to talk through stuff if you wanna?” Laura offered in a supportive yet slightly distracted manner as she finished painting my left pinky nail with a dark red colour.

“I've never really told anyone before,...”

Laura interrupted with “Oh Jacob, you don't have to be afraid to tell me. I already assumed that you're gay, so it's not like I'm surprised. But I understand coming out is not easy.”

“What?! no… I'm not… I mean… uh…” .

“You're not gay? Well then what are we talking about?” Laura all but shouted.

“I, uh…. I think….” I'd started tearing up at this point.”I want to be a woman" slipped out before I lost control of myself and began full on sniffling and crying.

“Oh, jakey” Laura cooed as she put the lid back onto the nail polish bottle before continuing “ It's okay. let it out. It's just us here.”, to which I nodded while sobbing.

As the sobbing continued, Laura passed me tissues and waited until I seemed to calm down.” Maybe a full make over would help make you feel better? I need to practise anyway.” Laura offered while already laying out brushes, various round containers and flat rectangular palettes.

I couldn't imagine anything that would help more than what was being offered, as such I responded softly and timidly “I would like that, a lot”.

Laura softly lifted my chin, trying to look at me in the eyes, “Your parents won't be back from Queensland for a couple days right?” “Yeah, not until sunday arvo.” I affirmed.
“Well, we can spend most of this weekend doing this then” Laura concluded, with genuine excitement mixed with support.

“What about Calvin?” I blurted out, worried that my brother would ridicule me or or worse, disown me as a sibling.

“hun… he already thought you were gay.. and didn't treat you badly or anything about it right? I'm sure he would be supportive. He might seem standoffish and a little rough around the edges, but trust me, Cal is actually such a sweet, kind and caring guy… he's not going to judge you.” Laura said encouragingly.

“Well, okay. Uh, is it okay if I go get changed real quick?”
I nervously asked, Laura's eyebrows raised a little,”ah, you've got your own girl clothes already, haven't you?” She mused in a slight chuckle before she continued with “Sure, It'll make the transformation more compelling.”

I almost ran from the dining table down the hallway to the bedroom I shared with my brother, I lifted my mattress and opened the duffle bag.

I knew exactly which of the few pieces of girl clothing I wanted.I grabbed the black bra and matching undies, the sheer black pantyhose, the black pleated short skirt and the red and black crop top with a picture of a skull and a heart on the front. I didn't have a huge collection, I infrequently had the courage to actually buy women's clothes.

I stripped down to my underwear then put on the bra, stuffed some silicone padding I had heard colloquially referred to as chicken fillets into the cups and against my chest… They were cold but welcome additions every time.

I caught myself in the mirror on the closet door. I wasn't thrilled to see myself, I was a relatively tall guy, with blue eyes, long brunette hair with blonde streaks leftover from having blonde hair as a child, standing there in just a bra and nickers… despite that, I continued… as I usually did… I'd look better with the skirt and top anyway… and maybe the makeup would help.

By the time I had pulled the crop top over my head there were footsteps by my the bedroom door followed by Laura's voice “wow jac…. uhm.. do you have a different name you want me to call you?”

“Natalia…” I almost whispered.

“Well,… Natalia, you look cute in a crop top.” Laura continued, causing me to blush.

Laura had me sit back down at the dining table.
“I'll start by putting your hair up, to keep it out of the way”
She stated,.. she started brushing my hair back and pulled it up and out of my face, then secured it with a black hair clip, one of the ones that look like a pointy toothed monster mouth.

” now I'm going to moisturize your face,” Laura said as she flipped open the cap of a squeeze bottle and squeezed a fresh smelling white creme onto her hand… she rubbed her hands together a little and then started gently running her wet fingers across my forehead, my cheeks and jaw, she gently slid her fingers around the contours of my nose and brows.
It felt very relaxing.

“While we wait for your skin to absorb that, I can finish off your nails, and we can chat some more… unless you just want to keep silently brooding about whatever is going on in that head of yours.”

“Uh, yeah.. um we can chat about stuff…”

“How long have you felt this way Natalia?”

“Well, that's uh.. that's not a simple question…. I have had feelings about what it might be like being a girl for a long time, I didn't realise that I wanted to be one until probably 14…”

“So you've been struggling with this by yourself for most of high school.. Oh Natalia…”

She was quiet for a few minutes while painting a slightly red glittery clear coat over each nail.

“You're not into guys though?”

“Uh…. Well…” was all I managed, as I recalled a few dreams and thoughts I'd had about guys in the past.

“So you are then… but I guess that would make you straight if you were a woman…”

“I'm definitely into girls though, so I guess I'm bi maybe… I don't know. I've never actually been with either a guy or a girl.” I retorted.. trying to detract from the embarrassing topic of me being into guys,.. although I also then realised I could end up being more embarrassed about actually possibly being a girl who's into girls…

“Ok, so now concealer and foundation, concealer on the dark spots under your eyes, and over the slight shadowing on your upper lip, then foundation over it.”
Laura said, letting the probing go for a moment.

I was requested to “Hold still” multiple times as she applied the concealer and foundation. As applying anything near my eyes made me blink.

“You’ve never even kissed anyone? Guy or girl?” Laura resumed her questioning.

I began to recount the story of the one kiss I'd ever had at that point “Once… at a party, we were playing truth or dare and..”

Laura stopped me once she realised it was going to be a bit of a story “Hold on hun, I'm gonna start on your eyes and you can keep talking, but try to hold still”

She began painting delicately around my eyes with liquid eyeliner, unlike the pencil eyeliner I'd used a few times in the past. As she decorated my eyes I continued my story

“I was dared to kiss whoever walked through the door next… and we kept playing until eventually, a guy walked through the door and the girls I was playing with all told the guy, Brad, about the dare. he laughed, he was drunk enough that he actually did kiss me… it was frightening and exciting and confusing at the time… brad ended up moving away before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it…”

Brad was taller than me even back then, his shaggy chestnut hair had just barely ticked my forehead at that moment, despite the strong scent of beer, from memory he was also clearly wearing a velvety sweet smelling cologne.

Laura was brushing shimmering dark grey on my eyelids when she suddenly stopped. “Brad Henderson?“ Laura screeched “uh…Yeah” came my timid reply. “You and Brad Henderson kissed? you know he moved back last year ? He lives like 4 blocks away.”

“Oh…uh… no. I didn’t know he was back in town…”

“Oooooooooh.” Laura had a smirk on her face, the kind of smirk that only meant trouble.

“No… I can't…. He…. I…. We haven't spoken in like 5 years, and he's probably straight anyway.“

“hun, It would basically be straight for a guy to be into you looking like this” she said as she held up a hand mirror for me.

It was surreal. I wasn't expecting to look anything like how I looked… I was expecting to look like a cheap drag queen or something… but what I saw was closer to what I was actually hoping for. There was an actual woman staring back at me in the mirror, she blinked when I blinked, she turned when I turned… how… How had Laura achieved this?

“Hello…. Earth to Natalia…. Snap out of it…” Laura seemed like she had been trying to get my attention for At least a few minutes.

“Natalia!” She urged as she nudged me gently, successfully snapping me out of it.

“Natalia, I may have just texted Brad." she let out gently.

My mouth dropped “ what? Why? What did you say?” I was beginning to panic.

“ I asked you if I could but you were lost in the mirror, I just asked what he was doing tonight,.. that's all… so far.”

“Out of nowhere? He's soooo going to assume you wanna hang out or something….” My heart was pounding, my mind was racing, this was terrifying, and exciting. Did I want to see him? Did I want him to see the woman I just saw in the mirror?.... I felt dizzy.

“Woah, jac…. Natalia, settle down. it's okay. I'm not dragging you into anything unless you agree to it, I just get the sense you need a little push here and there to actually even allow yourself to reach for what you want.“ she gestured at the make up, my appearance and the mirror.

“Uh… I need to think about it I guess, I suppose you're right. I've been shutting myself off from doing things I actually do want to do.”

“You wanna talk through your thoughts and feelings you're having right now?”

“The strongest … uh… the strongest feeling I'm having r… right now is fear”

“What are you afraid of? You worried about brad reacting badly to a beautiful girl who he might find out used to be a boy that he purposely decided to kiss at one point?”

I looked at her with trembling puppy dog eyes…

She tilted her head a little and compassion seeped into expression and tone.

“Because you know how ridiculous that sounds right?”

“It is ridiculous, I'm ridiculous… what the heck is wrong with me… why do I want this?” I was almost yelling through sobs and sniffling as tears rolled down my face…

“Natalia, it's okay. You're not that weird, I mean sure, I'm not going to lie, I wasn't expecting it. but I have actually met a few other people who are unique in similar ways to you like this. I am studying beauty therapy at uni you know.”

Her words were comforting, especially since they seemed sincere rather than mere comforting words. I looked back up at her and regained some composure. She was fiddling on her phone, and I highly doubted she was messaging Brad more…

“Here look, this is a pic of me with some classmates.”

Pictured on her phone were 4 people in their early 20s,
What appeared to be 3 women and a man, although they were all wearing make up… one of the women stood out as being particularly tall… was that the person like me?

“That's Shawna, Diana, Tyler and myself obviously.”

I'd calmed down enough now, maybe distracted by the photo… “ is that one Shawna..? Is she?”

“Yeah actually… and Diana too… they're both trans”

Retrospectively, what Laura just did could have technically been a no no… she just outed two people as trans to me,.. I've never asked if she had their permission… but in that moment it really helped me feel less alone.

I went quiet for a moment. Laura fixed my make-up while walking through each step of cleaning up the smudged eyeliner and mascara, reapplying concealer where necessary, adding foundation where it had been rubbed off and then redoing the eyes with liner, mascara and shadow… the ritual nature of it all was calming and freeing.

“Maybe I uh… maybe I should reach for what I want… could I uh… could I have Brad's number?”

“I typically don't give out people's numbers without their permission… Can I ask him first?”

I took a deep but slightly unsteady breath
“Yeah…. Uh… You can say that it's me who wants his number.”

She danced her delicate fingers across her phone screen tapping almost rhythmically.

“He said sure…”

She showed me the screen, he actually sent :
“Oh, Jacob? Yeah, sure. :)”

My heart's rhythm picked up speed and intensity as I typed his number into my contacts, and began messaging him.

“Hey Brad…”

“hey, Jacob, I assume. whats up?”

“I was talking with Laura, who obviously gave me your number, she mentioned that you moved back not far from my parents house?”

“Yeah, I've been back in town for a couple months now”

“Do you remember that night at that party?”

“Yes Jacob.I remember, I may have been drinking but I remember. Why?”

The confidence that I’d previously mustered was suddenly replaced as reality crashed back in, anxiety had forbidden my fingers from messaging him further.

Laura was looking over my shoulder, noticing my apprehension, she gently took the phone out of my hands and pointed it at me, “ oi, Smile Natalia… C'mon… there's no way he wouldn't find you attractive like this”

I hesitated and resisted for about half a minute before catching a glimpse of my made up face in the mirror and feeling sudden an internal warmth, comfort and confidence had come back out of nowhere, which moved me to actually pose for the camera.

“Oooh that one was cute” Laura said after taking a few shots in different poses.

“I'm just going to send him this photo, okay?”

I managed a meek nod and watched and waited until she sat back down next to me and passed my phone back to me.

She had sent the photo and a message

“This is me right now… soooo?”

I blushed seeing the flirty message Laura had added…

Almost instantly, Brad messaged back.

“Holy shit. dude.” Followed quickly by “You look like that for real right now?”

My phone started ringing. Of course I answered. I might have been a bit unstable at the time, but I wasn't crazy.

“Heya,.. this is Natalia…” my voice was soft and as femme as I could get it to sound despite shaking with enough nervous energy to launch a rocket.

“Uh, is that the name you go by when you're dressed like that..?”

“Yea… Brad, it is”

“ I might be reading this wrong, but you're coming onto me right?”

“uh… um… if that's not like…. Out of the question..”

Laura looked at me with a smile and gave a thumbs up then a thumbs down… a silent enquiry into the status of the conversation.

I gave a flat horizontal hand wiggle of undecidedness.

“ Is this something you do often… dress up like that I mean?”

“It’s the first time I've done it in front of someone else.. and the first time I've looked this good…”

“ You do look good.. uh beautiful I mean.”

“Thank you…. I haven't seen what you look like in a while…”

“Yeah? Laura asked if I was busy tonight, I assume she's with you.. maybe I could come over if you're not busy.”

“Yes,... I mean no… I'm not busy… but yes to hanging out tonight…”

“Okay. Cool. just some drinks at your place? Laura can stick around too I guess”

I tried my best to remain calm and collected, but I was tingling with anticipation and my anxiety caused me to freeze up again. What was happening? Was this a date? I felt a little bit like it but it also seemed like it kinda wasn't… It was ‘hanging out’…

Laura noticed my freeze, so she took the phone.

“Hey Brad, yeah, nah, she's fine. yup that sounds great, see you later this arvo”

“Oh Jacob.” She beamed excitedly.

“Natalia, please..” I corrected her, it almost stung to be called Jacob… which was odd because for 18 years now I'd never been called anything else, suddenly it felt very wrong…

“Oh, shit yeah… my bad… Natalia. Oh, I'm so excited for you… ”

“Oh god, why did we just do… I can't… this is a lot all at once… I don't know if I can handle this all at one… I god… oh fuck” my breaths shallower with every racing thoughts stacking on-top of the next.

“Tahls, chill.. It's gonna be fine. You look beautiful, yes it's gonna be a little awkward at first. But you are reaching for what you want, you can push past that.” she almost reached out to touch me but didn't.

“ Okay. Okay… I can do this… it's fine, everything's gonna be fine.”

“ yeah girl, that's right everything is okay, you're okay, Let's do your hair now..?”

“ What's wrong with how it is now?”

“ We can just do better, do you know if your mum has a hair curler? It probably looks like a bit like a shiny round tube with a handle and clippy bit, with a cord”

“Yeah, I think I've seen one in the bathroom cupboard.”

She ran off, grabbed it, had me sit down and began separating sections of my hair and coiled them around the curler. I could tell it was quite hot as the curled hair was still warm when it fell back down against my head.

She curled a few different sections here and there, then brushed them out a little…the effect was more volume, body and tidy waviness to my hair…

“That's the best I can do without cutting it at all… but we can do that tomorrow if you like… not enough time for it now though, Brad will probably be here soon.”

He was there maybe 20 minutes later, which gave us time to lay out a snack platter, corn chips,salsa, crackers, dip, and grapes.

He knocked on the door, he probably tried ringing the bell first, but it hadn't worked for years, someone should probably do something about that…

“Coming…” Laura shouted as she headed down the hallway to the front door.

In the half minute or so before they got to the lounge room my brain probably backflipped at least 5 or 6 times… I couldn't believe I was actually doing it…

“Hey, Natalia… it's nice to meet you… or uh re-meet you…”

“Hi Brad. You uh… you uhhh….” I got lost staring at him, taking in his appearance..

His eyes were a deep turquoise blue green, his hair just a little longer than when I'd seen it last, his refined facial contours were speckled with light stubble. He was maybe even a little bit taller and certainly more muscular, which would make sense. He was wearing a band shirt of some local band, underneath a red flannel, his lean muscular legs clad in black skinny jeans.

I looked like a kangaroo stunned in the headlights. Laura clicked her fingers in front of my face. Brad let out a chuckle.

“Uh sorry… you just… you've changed… you look…. Uh… you look good.” I stammered, I was feeling lightheaded and floaty…like I was suddenly dreaming.

“ Oh, I'm the one who's changed huh?” a repeated chuckle, clearly feeling more comfortable now compared to earlier on the phone…

“ You look great Natalia… oh I brought drinks… I wasn't sure what you drank… I guessed maybe fruity drinks since you're… ya know…”

“I mean… you guessed right… but I resent the stereotyping….” I quipped back, a bout of playful confidence perhaps emboldened by his compliments.

He brought the drinks to the kitchen and put a bunch in the fridge, he had brought a variety of fruity pre-mixed vodkas, and beers for himself.

I felt a little awkward, so I sat down on the couch and just turned the tv on for some background noise.

Laura sat next to me and whispered to me. “ It's fine… you're doing great, everything is going to be fine,you can push past the anxiety.”

“So, are we watching a movie or something? I saw your parents have a pool table out back… do you play?”

He was referring to the fancy pool table my older brother Calvin bought second hand and set up in the back yard barbeque area

The barbeque area had a roof, a table and chairs, the barbeque of course, a small fern garden, and the pool table.

“Uh I'm not very good at pool but maybe Laura and I can take turns against you?”

Laura piped up “ actually, Calvin will be back from the gym soon,it could be guys vs girls”

It felt nice to be included in the category ’girls’, but then came the realisation… Calvin was gonna see me like this, it must have shown on my face because both Brad and Laura suddenly looked concerned for me.

“Hey, it's okay Natalia… he'll be fine about you.. I swear… remember Shawna and Diana… Cal’s met them before and he wasn't weird about them or anything.”

That helped.

“Yeah, uh… sorry.. I'm just a bit anxious and overwhelmed… I guess”

Brad reached out and took my hand… I was suddenly floating and dizzy… being closer to him, I could smell that he still sore the same cologne.

“It's gonna be fine, you look great, you don't look stupid or anything. There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You're fine, damn fine actually. hah”

His flirty joke brought me back, I can do this… I am fine.

“Y… y…. Yeah.. I'm fine… I'm okay…”

Brad grabbed us all our first drinks for the night, we sat down and waited the couple of minutes it took for my big brother Calvin to get home

“Babe, you here? Someone else's car is parked out front.” he stepped out the back door and saw the three of us.

like me, Calvin had blue eyes, his shaggy dark brown hair had always been dark brown though, he was taller than me, shorter than Brad, but definitely more muscularly build up than him, Brad looked strong sure… but Calvin easily had twice the musculature.

“ Oh, uh hey babe, hey Brad… and uh nice to meet you…?”

“It’s me... Calvin” I said in my regular voice.

“Oh, shit…. Jacob… my bad… what's up?” he seemingly was playing it cool.

“She prefers Natalia at the moment…” Laura offered.

“ ah. I'll try to remember that” then he turned to me directly saying ”my bad sis.” he was definitely being ‘super cool’ about it… It felt good when he called me his sister though.

“We were hoping we could play pool 2 on 2, girls v boys” Brad picked up where we left off earlier in the evening… and handed Calvin a beer.

“ Yeah, sure… spose I'll break… since it's my table.”

We all grabbed a pool cue each, My brother grabbed the one he bought brand new online, while the rest of us got the second hand ones he got with the table.

Calvin set up the balls in the triangle, placed the white ball on its starting point and managed a clean break with a swift refined swing of his forearm.

He hadn't sunk any balls yet, so next it was my turn.

I moved around to the side of the table nearest the white ball and aimed it at a cluster of balls near a corner pocket… I didn't really know what I was doing beyond hoping someone good would happen.

I held my arm back, dangling my elbow down with the butt of the cue in my hand right. My left hand was flat on the surface of the table, the cue resting between the knuckles of my pointer and index finger, I swung my right forearm and with a few clacks I'd sunken a green striped ball… so Laura and I were now going for the striped balls,... Leaving the solids for the guys..

I now had another shot… I went for the striped blue ball, I hit it, but didn't sink it… in fact I put it in a worse position than it was before…

It was Brad's turn. He moved around the table and looked like he was deciding between two different shots… Calvin whispered in his ear, presumably to help him decide…

Brad, lined up a shot for the solid brown ball and sunk it with a sharp clack. Then he moved to aim for another ball, but failed to sink it.

“Close, but not close enough.. your angle was just barely off.” Calvin called, clearly getting quite into the game.

“You're up now babe” he pointed to a potential shot for Laura, clearly trying to embody some sportsmanship.

Laura thought about it for a moment but decided to go for the shot Calvin had pointed out, which paid off as she managed to sink it.

“Nice one! Clean..” Calvin complimented her.

She went for a slightly trickier shot with 2 rebounds off the bumpers of the table, and got close but didn't sink it.

“ Very close… don't feel bad, the angles all add up and being off a tiny bit at the beginning can end up being quite a bit more off after bouncing off the bumpers.” Calvin offered before approaching the table for his next turn in which he sank a few more balls.

When he sat back down he started chatting with Brad, I couldn't really hear them, I was at the table for my turn. The white was not in a great spot for me, solids were in the way of almost any simple shot I could try for… I'd need luck to not hit a foul… luck I apparently didn't have because I did hit one of the solids first, Calvin was distracted enough in his conversation he didn't even call it before I personally called myself out on the foul.

“Oops, I fouled… your turn Brad.”

I headed back to sit at the table with Laura and Calvin.

“What were you talking with Brad about?” I questioned Calvin as I sat down and sipped my pink watermelon and guava vodka.

“Oh,.. uh, just big brother stuff..”

“Like what?”

“I asked him if you two were dating… and I told him he better not hurt you… but like obviously politely…”

“ Caaaaal….. uuuggh.. wait… what did he say about dating me?” I said, practically on the edge of my seat…

“ Well, uh… I don't think it's my place to say…”

“Caaaaalviiin.. ugh okay... thank you for being so understanding and accepting about all this though“ I gestured at my current appearance.

“Yeah, nah… of course…”

Clack… Brad had finally gone for the shot he was figuring out, “ Shit yeah.” He called after sinking multiple balls.

“One left Calvin” he added… before sipping his beer and then lining up another shot.

“ Do you think mum and dad are gonna be all weird about it?”

“ You're gonna tell em?”

“Well, I uh… I don't wanna go back to… uh”

“Oh, ah… so this is you now then…”

“Well, It's what I want… “

“If they're weird about it I'll back you up sis… but they're probably gonna be fine with it… they already thought you were gay… so this ain't all that much worse… I mean different"

“Hmmm.. why does everyone assume I'm into dudes?”

“You are though…” Laura piped with a smirk.

“That's not the point.”

We all started laughing…. When Brad walked over..
“And that's the game… boys win… what are we giggling about?”

“Oh… nothin” I sighed.

“You want another drink?”

“ Sure...” I said before chugging the last quarter of the bottle before handing the empty to him, when our hands touched it almost felt electric… ‘damn… I so am into dudes….’ I thought

We played another two games with different team compositions, I only won when teamed with Brad in the last game…

At this point I'd had quite a few drinks and was a little tipsy. Laura and Calvin had split off to chill by the bbq, while Calvin cooked us something to eat…

“ Want another drink Natalia?” Brad offered

“Mayb,... Maybe a water w… would be a good idea.”

“Oh, yeah sure… I'll grab you some water.. anything else?, a snack?”

“ A… kiss?”. I flatly stated, the wall between my brain and my mouth, thoroughly dissolved in alcohol.

“Oh, uh.. maybe after the water… I wouldn't want to be taking advantage of you being so sloshed…”

“Awww, f… fine…. We've already k… kissed before though…”

He grinned and chuckled as he walked off to get me water.

He was back with water and some water and a choccy bikkie..
“Yess.. bikkie…”
“No worries Natalia, I want you to sober up a bit.. I kinda wanna chat about stuff"

“Oh yeah,..what stuff? We… we can chat now..”

“No Natalia, it can wait… but we can chill and talk about whatever else till then.”

“Do… Do you like me, Brad?”

“Yeah I think so.*

“Okay good.”

I probably babbled some inane nonsense about some movie or something for a while while sobering up, and I do remember Brad indulging me and waiting it out until after two bottles of water and a few bathroom visits he must have deemed me sober enough.

“Natalia… you're gonna stay like this right? This isn't just a weekend thing for you?..”

“Uh… I mean yeah,.. that's what I want…”

“In that case,I've been thinking about it all night. I think I would like to see you again, if that's okay.”

“You… want to go out with me?”

“Yes.”

“As in… like… as a date?”

“Yes Natalia, I'd like to take you out on a date…”

“uh, oh um… that… uh.. I.. yes..” my heart beat seemed like it was trying to synchronise itself with the bouncing of the thoughts in my head but I remembered to breathe and calmed myself back down..

“...I think I'd like that…”

“ Is it okay to kiss you now?”

My mind had only one thought at that point.
‘I have been waiting like an hour for you to kiss me dude’
I took a moment to calm myself so I could give a thoughtful answer but all that escaped my lips was a simple “yes”.

He chuckled, I was clearly still tipsy but sober enough that he did pull me towards him, his right hand slid up my neck to the back of my head, his fingers combed through my hair… he pressed his lips against mine, they were a little rough, dry… his stubble felt interesting against my face.

Our lips slid and ‘smooshed’ together, then parted briefly by his tongue making its way into my mouth… mine slid up against his, he was gentle but passionate.

After what felt like hours, but was probably less than a few minutes he withdrew his face from mineand I was breathing a little heavily.

“Oh… god….uuuh” I managed in between breaths.

I saw out of the corner of my eye, Laura and Calvin looking across at us, they looked away as soon as they realised I had noticed….

I blinked a few times and looked into Brad's eyes….

“I liked that…” I admitted, my breathing slowing.

“Me too”

“Oi, love birds… Foods done” called Laura cheekily..

Snapping out of the daze I righted myself as Brad removed his hand from the back of my head and headed to the table, leading me there with his left hand holding my right.

I sat across from Laura and my brother, who both kept giving Brad and me smirks every now and then.

“ So you finally asked her out then?” Calvin teased.

“Well, I wasn't gonna do it while she could barely string a sentence together… it wouldn't be right…”

If I didn't have a mouthful of barbecued snag and bread in my mouth I'd have probably contested how drunk I had been earlier in the night… even though they were spot on.

“You wanna go out shopping tomorrow Natalia?”

I swallowed, delaying my answer by more than a few seconds.

“ Yeah… uh, yes please…”

“In the afternoon though… cause you are absolutely gonna have a hangover in the morning… oh.. right speaking of sleep… You and calv are probably gonna have to stop sharing that bedroom now...”

“Huh… oh shit…. You're right… brothers and sisters don't share rooms for a reason… I guess mum and dad would probably let me have the office as a bedroom, dad rarely works from home anyway…”

“Until they get back… you can have the couch? It does fold out, remember… although the mattress on it is thin as fuck.” Calvin resolved.

“Huh.. ok I guess…. Not very private though…”

why did I say that out loud.. that was a private thought… stupid brain…

“Yeah nah..it probably is better to wait for her to have her own bedroom,.. please don't fuck my sister In The lounge room… I spend a lot of time gaming on that couch…”

Brad and I both went red in the face blushing while Laura and Calvin both laughed at his joke, Brad and I joined the laughter after a bit, my mind however was racing at the thought of sex with Brad… did I want that? Do I want sex with a guy? With Brad? I had dreamt about it.. I suppose in the past I had shrugged it off or tried to bury the thoughts…. I think I did want it… but as Calvin had said… not in the bloody lounge room…

The others had been talking for a while while I was lost in thought.
“ Oi, space cadet… you want another snag?” Calvin queried.

“Uh, no… I think I'd probably puke if I ate any more.”

“You feeling alright? Hun” Laura added…

“A little woozy… just tipsy I think… maybe tired”

“Maybe you should head to the couch then, it is 2 am.”

“Yeah… okay…”

“I got you” Brad lifted me out of my seat gently, and swooped my legs up under his left arm.. he carried me to the couch… I didn't really need to be carried, but I wasn't gonna say no to it.. obviously.

“Thanks Brad… are you,... Uh… staying the night? Since you've been drinking?”

“If that's okay..?”

“Uh… I don't… uh… I…. Um…”

“How about this, help me with this couch bed and then after that if you need to you can sleep in your parents bed and I'll stay out here…”

We cooperated to get the couch transformed into its lazy approximation of a bed. Well, Brad unfolded it and then helped me put a clean sheet on the mattress and fetched my blankets from the room which I guessed wasn't really.my room anymore….

“Is it okay if I hug you Natalia…?”

“uh, yeah… I guess”

He shuffled over a little towards me, and rolled onto his side, wrapping his right arm over the top of me while his left rested against the small of my back…

“K…Kiss me more…”

His lips took to mine, they danced against each other, lips parting, tongues sliding in and around, heads tilting this way and that… he broke the kiss, I was momentarily worried he was stopping until he kissed my cheek, then my jaw, then the spot just below my right ear, then down onto my neck…. ‘Ooooh shit’ I thought as I felt myself growing erect…. ‘he’s a straight guy… he's not gonna wanna touch that… he's probably tying to forget I even have that, I've been trying to forget about it… oh god…”

My breathing grew heavier with the passion of kissing but now grew quicker and shallower as my racing thoughts lead me into a full blown panic attack.

My mind raced, the stream of consciousness bounced around between negative thoughts. My breathing pace picked up into full blown hyperventilation, my lungs, throat and diaphragm muscles all began to aching, the world had dropped away, leaving just me and these horrifying thoughts, these scenarios that seemed so realistic and horrifying… my head got lighter as my breathing became unsteady, my body couldn't keep up the increased pace, the thoughts dulled… consciousness faded a little as my erratic breathing failed to deliver oxygen to my brain…

Before consciousness was fully gone, in the moment between the void and the racing thoughts, an Opportunity…

“... You're okay… everything is okay… I'm here it's okay” It's Calvin's voice.

“it's okay… I think you were having a panic attack or something” Brad's voice…

“Yeah he… she gets those sometimes…” Calvin again…

“She's gonna be okay… just needs some time and a calm, quiet environment… also she doesn't deal well with being touched when she's like this…” He added.

I wished I could have responded to any of it, but I was unable to get myself to speak, it would be a minute or so before I could. I had been dealing with an anxiety/panic attack disorder for basically my entire teens at this point… it hadn't necessarily gotten easier but I at least knew what was happening and could eventually grasp that I was going to be okay afterwards.

“Should I go?” Brad asked…

“No Brad, just sit quietly.,. I think she probably would like you to still be here once she's over it..” Laura answered, accurately intuiting my thoughts on the matter.

A few minutes went by, Calvin and Laura occasionally reminding me everything is okay, that I'm okay.

Eventually I sat up and spoke.

“ I'm sorry.,.. “ to which all three told me I had nothing to apologise for… it was comforting to hear despite me still feeling like I've interrupted everyone's night.

“I'm feeling a bit better now… could someone get me some water though?”

Brad all but jumped at the opportunity to do something to help, and was back promptly with a bottle of water.

“I'll be fine I guess I just have some things… I w… some things that I need to talk w.. with Brad about.” i stammered

“In private…” I added.

With that, Laura and Calvin left the room, reminding Brad to call for them if I start panicking again.

“So, you want to ask me something?”

“ Well uh yeah… that whole thing… I was.. well, I started worrying about….”

“Yeah? It's okay go slow”

I took some deep breaths.
“ I was worrying about how you feel about certain body p.. body parts… that I do and or d… don't have….”

I was getting worked up again z my breathing starting to race.

“ Natalia… I don't mind. but if you need me to. I can avoid touching whatever you need me to avoid.”

His understanding and thoughtful response thankfully managed to calm me back down.

“I do think I need you to avoid going down stairs.. for the moment…”

“Okay… duly noted”

“Do you want to go back to cuddling?”

“Not yet please… I'm still no touch…. Uh.. I mean..
I need a while before I can handle being touched again…”

‘No touch’ is how I had worded it throughout my early teens to my friends, my psych, my parents and Calvin.

“No touch. I got it… you lemme know when you want to cuddle again though.”

It was maybe 15 to 20 minutes before I came to a conclusion.
“ I.. uh… I think… I need to sleep in my p… parents bed…”

“That's totally okay Natalia… I'll stay out here. Sweet dreams.”

I headed to my parents bedroom, I slid beneath their covers, my head woozy from hyperventilation and alcohol… I drifted into the void of sleep far easier than usual.

I don't remember if I dreamt or not that night but I woke up, mouth dry, eyes dry… it took a second or two before recalling the night before….

“Holy shit…” slipped out of my mouth quietly.

Continued silently in my head ‘I made out with Brad. What the fuck… and it was as Natalia’

stumbled my way to the toilet… it wasn't light outside yet.

I sat down on the toilet, the stationary positron allowing me to think over the events of the last 24 hours.

‘I can't believe I'm doing it… I'm coming out as trans.. well I guess I've already come out to three people now.’

I flush and make my way to the kitchen to have some water… People talk about all sorts of hangover cures, but I couldn't remember any of them at the time, so I just quenched my thirst, figuring that being actually hydrated couldn't hurt.

I had decided more sleep was in order too and so headed back to my parents bed.