PART 5
Brian had a little bit of time before his appointment, so stood us another round of tea, or rather I did, as Diesel was clearly in her favourite spot. Once we’d supped up, Marion and I walked out to the van.

“I came up by bus, Jules. Could you shove that stuff in the back, and I shall cadge a lift”

“Home or work?”

“Left the car at work, so no need for a detour. You did well there, love”

I settled myself into the driver’s seat as she matched me to my left, and once both doors were shut and belts clicked I started the short run back to my notional workplace, as Marion continued her debrief, before abruptly switching topics.

“I can see why you called first dibs there, Jules”

“She’s a lovely girl, Mrs T, and not just through her training”

“Not talking about the dog, love. He’s a bit young for me, but, well, I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed”

Concentrate on your driving, Juliet.

“You’ve gone very quiet, love. Have I touched a nerve?”

“We were at the same school. That’s all”

“Really? Does he remember you?”

“I don’t know if he remembers him, but so far not me”

“What has he said?”

“I told him I went to a school in Reigate”

“Lying isn’t a good way to start a rel—oof!”

I had spotted a space at the kerb outside one of the industrial buildings and slammed the van into it, almost but not quite pulling the handbrake on before we had fully stopped. I switched everything off, and stared at the dashboard for a moment before turning back to Mrs T.

“I am really sorry about that, but it’s not a conversation I can handle while driving. Are you all right?”

“A bit surprised, Jules, but no damage. What the actual hell?”

“Think about what you were saying, please?”

“What I was… Oh, right. Well, it’s true”

“And what sort of ‘relationship’ were you imagining?”

I even made ‘finger quotes’ as I said the R-word.

“Well, forgive me for saying this, but your eyes were all over him. Well, not all over; mostly on his own eyes. You must be tempted”

I did a little bit of breathing control, seeking a calm place to speak from.

“Hi. I’m Juliet, but I was Jack, who everyone took the piss out of at school, and I fancy you rotten. Want to go for a drink? Oh, and I’ve had the nip and tuck”

She looked a little shamefaced,

“I suppose when you put it like that, it might be a bit awkward”

I sighed, wondering how far I could safely tell off the woman who paid my wages.

“It’s the sort of thing that could get me killed, Mrs T. Not saying Bri would do that, and it’s much more a thing over the pond, but it could still end up in me going to prison in this country, and thanks to that cow of a Home Secretary, I would end up in a bloody men’s prison”

“You think he would do that?”

“I’d like to think not, but even in the best of outcomes, I would end up losing Diesel. I know she’s not mine, but”

Mrs T. stared at me in silence for nearly thirty seconds, then smiled, her voice now a lot softer.

“I was unsure about taking you on, you know. I didn’t know if you were simply desperate for a job, and you know full well that I know your mother, so I had all sorts of stuff flung my way. It was when you were first at the kennels, with that stroppy Staffie. I thought… No, that’s bad, even for me”

“What is?”

“Oh, I just thought he was going to bite your hand off, but you had him eating from it instead. You understand dogs, love. Did you know I got a complaint from the owner of those shih tzus?”

“Mipsy and Mopsy? What the hell for?”

“Oh, by ‘complaint’ I mean a compliment deliberately framed as a complaint. That the dogs preferred time with you over time with their owners. They set it out as a complaint, and then literally wrote ‘All joking aside’ before praising you. You GET dogs, as I said, and that’s a rare thing. When you get your certificates or whatever they’re called, you’ll be a real loss to us. And I actually find it hard to imagine you in blue baby clothes”

She took my hand, giving it a little squeeze and me a soft smile.

“What are we going to do to sort this out, then?”

“Damned if I know. Let’s get you back, and then I have some books to hit”

I didn’t say the other thing I was thinking, about settling down for a bloody good session of tears, which ambushed me partway through a chapter on depreciation of capital assets.

The next week and a half were pretty routine, if less peaceful, as the schools were breaking up for the Summer. We always lost some custom then, as many of the kids would walk their own dogs, but that was compensated for by those we took into our holiday kennels while the family was off in Spain or Turkey or whatever. A few of our nicer regulars, however, would go somewhere like France, driving with their dogs.

It meant that I worked at the kennels far more than I walked the beasts, There were a few that ‘didn’t play well with others’, or had kennel cough, so they got a well-controlled walk on the Meadows rather than in our open rompery. I worked my days, followed them with some evening edging and trimming, forced down a chapter or two from a textbook, and then simply sank into an overnight coma.

I was removing the dead stalks of some of Brian’s annuals, Diesel sprawled on the grass I had just mown around her rather mobile obstruction, when the back gate opened. Instant eruption of furry body, followed by disappearance of suited one indoors. He was back out after a few minutes, in board shorts and a sloppy T-shirt from some band or other, washed so often that the logo had faded almost to nothing.

“Jules?”

“Hi. Nearly done here”

“Do you drink?”

“Sorry?”

“I have some cold beers in the fridge, but I didn’t want to assume, especially as you’re on the bike”

“Ah! What do you have?”

“Hobgoblin Gold”

“That would be lovely. I’ll just bin the trimmings, and be with you”

As if.

I dropped into the chair as he popped the bottles and poured the beer into proper glasses. To say it hit the spot would be a serious understatement. I raised my glass to him after a decent first mouthful.

“Cheers, Brian!”

“Cheers. You’ve changed an awful lot, Jack”

My throat locked painfully on the ale, but I managed to swallow it rather than spit it out. No options offered themselves beyond absolute honesty. He had offered me a drink, after all, so axe murder was looking unlikely, at least at the moment. Deep breath.

“I have, and I haven’t been called Jack for quite a while. When did you realise?”

He was still leaning back in his chair, hand down to scratch Fiesel’s ear. Not the most threatening of stances, and he had indeed given me a beer.

“I didn’t. I ran into Hannah McBride”

“Hannah Sillitoe as was? Hannah-with-the-curls?”

“That’s the one. She’d seen you walking Diesel”

“And what did she say?”

He looked towards the end of the garden.

“Not the nicest things”

“Please tell. I’m a big girl now”

“Yes. I can see. Well… what was that freak Jack Marshall doing with my dog? And, had I turned queer, or had I always been a fairy?”

“She always had class, did Hannah”

“Yes. I do seem to have attracted some lovely women. Her and Suky. At least”

“She used to boast about you, Bri”

“I bloody well know that. She was a liar”

He looked up sharply, slightly pink in the face.

“We were fifteen, for fuck’s sake. I was always--- I was really tempted, but I didn’t really fancy being locked up, whichever way it might be. I wouldn’t, so she got hers from Graham McBride. Got five kids now, and half a stone in weight for each one. At least”

“Rather catty for a dog man”

“Please don’t make a joke of it, Jules. I am being serious”

“Sorry. Shall I start packing up my kit, then?”

“What for?”

“Well, what do you think? I was hoping that things could just tick along, you staying, you know”

“Ignorant”

“Oh, Bri: you were never ignorant, not in that sense. I just saw this as, what’s that phrase? Need to know. And you didn’t need to”

“Why not?”

“Bri, I am where I have always needed to be, and the last thing I really want is… I’m in a boat, Bri, a boat with very little freeboard, but still afloat. If it gets rocked, it sinks”

“All through school? You had this all the time we were at the comp?”

“All through my bloody life, Bri”

“Your parents?”

“Mum still calls me by my deadname, and Dad buggered off with a barmaid form the King’s”

“Not Trixy? That one with the huge, you know?”

“And the bras a cup size too small? Yup”

“Hell’s teeth”

He let the silence linger a little too long, so I broke it.

“What are you planning to do, Bri?”

“Oh, I have two answers to that question. The second one is that I haven’t got a clue”

“And the first?”

He busied himself with his glass, before giving his answer to the table.

“I was working up to asking you out, Jules”

Shit.

“I would have said ‘no’, Bri”

“Why?”

“All the reasons you already have. I couldn’t be certain how you would react, but from experience it’s usually awkward at the very best, and more often than not it’s more like the lovely Hannah’s take on things. Like I said, I am barely afloat. I can’t risk that boat going down”

“You think that little of me?”

Oh, you utter bastard. The tears had been fighting for release right from his first use of my deadname, and they boiled out and onto my face.

“Are you serious? I spent every fucking school day and all of my nights fancying you, and you know what? If I had been a normal girl I would have been giggling about you with all the others, but I couldn’t, could I? Every time I got spotted looking tour way, I got a kicking”

“Did I… Was I ever nasty to you? By accident, I mean?”

“No, Bri, never. I know you got a few smacks because of it. Layla told me”

“Another name from our past, eh?”

“Another silly little girl who ruined my daydreams. You came in with a black eye, and as she was your girl at the time, everyone wanted to know why, so she just pointed at me and said you’d been sticking up for the fairy”

That was when he started to cry. I tried to apologise, and he waved it way.

“I am so sorry, Jules. I shouldn’t have said what I said, but it has been a really shitty day, and I am sitting here with a dog I was terrified I would lose, and a friend I have hurt, and Suky has written me a letter gloating about Diesel being taken away and, shit. Sorry”

My waterworks banged off, as anger blew them away.

“She fucking what? Exactly how stupid is she? Into the house, wash your face. I am giving Mrs T a ring”

My boss answered on the third ring, her receptionist being away on one of those packages I dismissed so snarkily.

“Problems, Jules”

“Afraid so. Two of them. Brian’s just realised who I am”

“Arse. How has he taken it?”

“Messily. Trying to work out what his take is, but it’s the other problem I need your help with”

“Go ahead”

“The person we suspected was behind the neglect report has been confirmed”

“How exactly?”

“She wrote Brian a letter gloating about it”

Mrs T laughed long and loudly, before putting on a deep voice to say, “Oh dear how sad never mind”

“Sorry?”

“Old comedy show, love. Before you were born. And let me guess: you would like me to mention this to Gary and his crew?”

“Yes, as soon as I---Brian?”

I put the phone away from my head.

“I fully intend to report this, because I love that dog and… Because I love that dog, and I want that shit stopped. Are you with me?”

He looked down at Diesel, then nodded sharply. I got back to the phone.

“Mrs T?”

“Here. What did he say?”

“It’s a yes from him. I know some old comedy shows as well”

“Right, then. I will get onto Gary. Keep the gloatery safe, okay? And Juliet, my girl?”

“Yes?”

“If I can work out what you so nearly said, so can he. Best of luck, but do not go home without some clarity in how he sees you, okay?

She hung up, and I turned back to him.

“She’s letting Gary know, and says to keep everything to hand. That’s that one sorted, okay?”

“It isn’t…”

“It will be sorted when some snotty vindictive cow gets a solicitor’s letter or a police caution, or a bloody conviction”

“Jules, why do you never say ‘bitch’?”

I pointed at Diesel.

“Because I actually like bitches, while cows disturb me”

He nodded, eyes red, and I so wanted to reach out for him, to ease his pain. I had indeed so very nearly said something impossible to take back.

“Juliet?”

“Yes?”

“I am trying to understand how much you must hurt, but the only answer my head is giving me says I could never grasp the scale”

“It is what it is”

“I know. Can I ask what you are doing tomorrow?”

“Day off, thankfully. I was going to spend it with my books”

“Right. Well, my plan tonight, after such a shitty day, is to get rat-arsed and probably drunk-order a curry or a pizza or whatever”

“Sounds like a plan”

He spent a little more time with his glass before saying, “Do you prefer pizza or curry?”

My mouth fell open in shock.

“Um, Brian? What are you asking? Offering?”

“How the hell should I know? It’s… the spare bed is back in the house, not in the shed anymore. I am out on a limb here, and I am very, very nervous. A lot of the pain from today came from what Hannah said, and I’ve been bouncing all over trying to work things out. I was working myself up to ask you, you know: what I said. Then there’s what she said. Then there’s who I met up on Reigate hill, and I have been asking myself one question, which is that if Hannah hates you so much, that’s actually an endorsement”

He looked up into the sky this time, still speaking to me.

“And what you said about Diesel, I think I know what you left out. What you nearly said about yourself”

“Oh. I didn’t mean… What are we doing, Brian?”

“Getting to know each other, Jules, I hope. If… I’ll show you where things are in the house, and if, well, I have some delivery menus and a cupboard full of wine First, though…”

Mrs T can keep her old comedy show quotes; I’ll stick to old pop lyrics, and there was one specifically for that Summer afternoon.

It started with a kiss.