by Saless
I just got in a mood this morning and this came to me. Basically a brief glimpse autobiography that continues on to my death, only from a rather dark perspective.
I felt myself falling apart, my very essence fading into nothingness. Not that that was much different to how I'd been in life. Nothing. As my mind fragmented I saw my life flashing before me for the last few moments of my existence...
Growing up in California...hot, scorching sun...helping Mom with her plants...playing with my sister's barbie dolls...ballet, tap, gymnastics...playing army men with my brother...
Realizing I was different...my body grotesque and wrong...no one treats me like I am...only how I seem...trying to fit their expectations...failing miserably...just try not to be found out...
Denial...Taunts of other students...hiding in plain sight...invisible, worthless...hold on to life, not sure why...
Denial...acceptance...denial...burying myself in books and games...hide from the world...
Work, money, hate them...try...fail...try again...denial...
Acceptance...transition...still in the shadows...no life...
Write...read...play games...avoid people...
Never mix...no one will ever want me...hopeless...
Life goes on...write...read...stay at home...unlovable...alone...
Time passes...everything stays the same...always alone...
Just take up space...use up resources others could be using...worthless...
Alone...lonely...even in a crowd...stay at home...write...read...
More time passes...always alone...why did I bother?...
Old...frail...still alone...still writing...still reading...still nothing...
Heart finally fails...no one even knows for days...over...finally over...fading away...
The End
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Comments
You can rewrite the ending!
You can rewrite the ending! You've already made huge changes to your life, so you know you can do it. Best of luck!
Mir
I don't know about the alone
I don't know about the alone part, but I certainly don't expect to be that unhappy with my life (At least, most of the time). Especially if I ever get published and make lots of money... ;)
Thanks Miranda! :)
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Sad, but not at all unfamiliar...
... yet as this life spiraled on down toward the end, I spotted "read" and "write." Somehow I know you've got a hook into the essence of life; while "read" by itself isn't enough, "write" surely adds that something worthwhile is going on. It's about here I began looking for a "BCTS" but alas didn't find it there. (Although if this really is autobiographical, I suspect it should be -- just would make the tale a little (quite a little) brighter and that wasn't your mood today.)
And then we find "hopeless," "worthless," unlovable," "alone." These are very close to the ideas expressed by my adult son last year as he lay dying. And they weren't true! He was disappointed in his life -- a fact that still has his brother and parents pretty shook up. We all have that deep, dark side, and it's not easy to understand how much we are affected at various times.
I wonder if you, I or anyone else has the verve and gumption to pen a counterbalance - perhaps a kind of would be guide for when we are too morose to see beyond the end of our scabby, pointed noses (this being the (tg) Hallowe'en season and all). Hmmm?
Leah
Saless, I Hope That You Know
That you are accepted here. To me, you are ALL girl.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Winding down...
A sad life that could easily be another Halloween horror story, except for its failure to conform to the timeline (having your narrator croak on Oct. 31 would seem a bit tacked on). An all too familiar story to me, the kind of fatalism and hiding from my own reality that I spent 50 years in and am just now trying to find the hope & the will to remedy, with a little help from my friends.
~~hugs, Laika
.
Admin Edit: ~Sephrena
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Being repetitive, again ...
Don't go all Sarah on yourself, please!
You do make a difference, if only by telling stories I (and others) like to read. (I'm sure there is more I just don't know.)
Way back when everything was text-based (and 14,400 bit/sec was a lot of bandwidth) there was a saying "On the Internet, looks don't matter." While there have been pictures and movies on the Net for quite some time now there are still places where that is basically true. BCTS is certainly one of them; what you write is what counts here. Don't sell yourself short in that department!
--- Martin
Thanks Martin!
Thanks Martin! :)
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Don´t become Haibane
Well, at least not yet. I think (and as I read others do too), that your writing means something, and for me it is one thing to look forward to. I may say even this, but not really. Though it is something that comes to me from time to time too. Being alone between people, with yourself, be failure, freak. But I still think there is hope, that may be, who knows, I or you may meet your prince/princess on shining horse who will become part of you and you part of him/her, your soulmate.
Robin
P.S. I DO hope, that you won´t meet prince Philionel from Seyruun. XD
The Black Dog
Don't know what to say. It would sound so facile, coming from me. The familiar thoughts of worthlessness. All I can say is; THEY'RE NOT TRUE!
Joanne
looks like my life
well, except for the writing part.... mine would be more like occasionally editing someone else's writing. But still my life is spiraling downhill as a faster and faster pace as each day passes. I only hope that when the end comes it will be in my sleep. I hate pain or I would have self ended years ago.
at times
I'm sure many can relate and recognise. The place and words may be slightly different but the over arch is not unfamiliar. I suppose the trick is not to let that... still nothing... be true, though at times it seems to be. So write on and it aint, right.
Kristina