Midway through his contract to guard Maude the Seamstrist, as she travels the Land Beyond creating beautiful clothes, Manny daily found himself wishing he had never crossed the bridge and accepted her offer. Admittedly, he had grown to like the talkative witch; however, strange things happened around her. Worse, those strange things seemed to happen too him. First trapping him in the body of Maude’s daughter, Lirial, then as a gorgeous, amazonian sized pixie. He could definitely use a quiet day off by himself. But will the most dastardly band of villains (on a skill testing exam, the only band of villains would also be acceptable) in the mountains have different ideas.

Dun-dun-dunnnn.

In this Land
by Arcie Emm

“Are you sure you don’t need you to come, Maude? It’s my job.”

“No, no, Manny, really I think it is better that I visit Baronette Asudem on my own. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your company, what with Andy being such a poor conversationalist, but a visit to the Baronette is often quite hard on her guests. Literally.”

“Huh?”

“Well, see, Baronette Asudem is a gorgon, looking at her turns a person into stone. Which is really too bad, she has a remarkable figure, admittedly not quite as remarkable as yours, but she still wears clothes magnificently. True, having snakes for hair is somewhat offputting, but that`s why I am able to sell her so many pretty hats.”

Having settled, over the last few weeks, upon the manly strategy of trying to ignore his transformation, hoping Maude was right in her belief she could turn him back into himself, Manny was more than able to ignore her casual mention of his appearance. Instead he asked, “If looking at her turns a person to stone, how do you do it?”

“Well I had some gorgles made up. Obscenely expensive, but when wearing them I have no fear of being turned into a statue and I have more than made back my investment.”

“Do you have a second pair?”

“Oh goodness me, no. The first pair left Lirial and I on a cabbage diet for an entire winter, and a harsh winter at that, one where we could hardly go out doors. The cabin did become horrificially unbearable at times, causing us to choose the freezing cold in an attempt to air the place out. I often wonder if it was that winter started Lirial on the path to evil witchdom, I know it almost did so for me.”

“It just seems like I am shirking my duties.”

“Manny, you haven’t had a day off since you started working for me. As your employers, I say you will not be shirking your duties.”

Riding along in a wagon, days on end, was far from the toughest work he had ever done. But, none-the-less he had no reason not to agree and said, “Very well.”

“Besides, the only danger within the Baronette’s domainis Asudem herself. And I would not bet on either of our chances, alone or together, against her.”

Proof of Maude’s words came as they rounded a bend in the road, wending its way through the Really Big Mountains range, and spotted a party of five adventurers near the entrance of a path splitting away on its own. If he were to make a guess, he would say it was a typical adventuring party with a warrior, priest, wizard, archer, and thief. The simplest solution to confirming this guess would have been to ask them; however, each was statuefied in what appeared to be a state of attack. Manny also learned that the Baronette had an interesting sense of humour, for on a boulder marking the path someone, presumably the gorgon herself, had painted a sign, Asudem’s House O’Lawn Ornaments.

Reaching the point of turn off, Maude brought her cart to a stop, so that Manny could hop out, a quick flick of his wings allowing him to settle upon the high heels of his armoured boots with barely a wobble. Taking his spear from its rest, he removed his shield and pack from behind the seat, allowing Maude to cluck at Andy and continue on her way. As the wagon curved out of sight, Manny found himself wondering how he would entertain himself for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like there was any civilization nearby, just rock and some evergreens valiantly trying to survive in whatever dirt they could find. In the end, he decided to find the camp, where Maude had told him they would meet. By then, maybe he would have a better idea of what he wanted to do.

Since being turned into a pixie (or a bigxie as Maude called him now that he was human sized) his wings had made some tasks more difficult, one such was shouldering into his backpack. Fortunately he worked for an excellent seamstrist, one who had modified his old pack to hang comfortably between his wings. However, this hindrance was more than offset by his ability to leap into the air and fly wherever he wished.

In this instance, his leap did not take him too high, because he found it more difficult to fly in the mountains. So barely higher than he now stood, even when perched upon his ridiculous heels, Manny flew along the road. Traveling much faster than the plodding auroch who pulled the wagon, it only took an hour before he spotted a flat spot and a recognizable cabin. Not that he had seen this particular one, but it was no different than numerous others they had passed during their journey.

Apparently the Land Beyond was rather underpopulated in comparison to the human lands he had visited. Communities were rare and inns between those communities were even rarer, since travelers themselves were uncommon. But serving a similar function were Wayfarer posts, established and maintained by a flock of rarely seen harpies. Instead, guests dropped their payment into a glowing sphere, which held it safely until the next caretaker passed. She had also warned that, though unwatched, the harpies knew what happened in their cabins and had the ability to bar access to undesirables.

Landing in front of the building, Manny cautiously approached the door. Despite Maude`s assurance, he could not quite believe that bandits wouldn`t find a post a perfect spot to waylay travelers. Once more she was proven correct, as entry found things quiet, nobody else inside.

Shrugging out of his pack he dug inside for a snack. That was the one problem with flying, it always left him famished. But where such a state used to have him looking for a piece of jerky, now he dug up a stick of hard candy, nearly the size of the hilt of his sword. To say the transformation had given him a sweet tooth was akin to saying a lion likes raw meat, for nothing satisfied quite like sugar and honey. Still it was not his entire diet, which is why he dug deeper in his pack to find a small bag containing his hooks and fishing twine. He had noticed a creek behind the cabin and planned to find a fishing pool.

Thus equipped, he stowed the pack in a chest at the end of a bed, slid his button shield underneath, and made for the door with his spear, fishing gear, and the treat. Outside, he found it warmer than before and considered leaving his overrobe behind. Even with slits above his knees in the front, back, and sides, he found it cumbersome when flying.

The robe was another of Maude’s creations. Arriving in the first village, after Pretty Tree Forrest, Manny had inspired quite the sensation. Unsurprising when he remembered his own first sighting of the pixies he mirrored, nor did his bordello inspired armour help. Extremely uncomfortable, it had been all the two could do to make it to their inn room. There Manny had begged Maude to craft him a robe to wear over his armour, one with a hood. Rather taken back by his reception, Maude had eagerly acceded.

Leaving the next morning, Manny found himself wishing that he had been more detailed in his pleas. He had visualized a robe like those worn by the Riders of Pruneland, which were dark grey, billowy things. Instead Maude, being Maude, made something to flatter his figure and match the rest of what he wore. Again proving her expertise at the tailoring craft, Manny knew he had no room for complaint. Thus he had found himself pulling on the shimmering white, woolen robe with cuffs, hem, slits, and hood trimmed in pink ribbon the colour of his armour. Maude had even embroidered small pink roses, to match those on his shield and hem, at the point of the four slits in the robe’s skirts.

The sensations Manny had caused since donning the robe were just as noticeable, but muted in comparison. After all, it still left his pink veined wings free to serve their purpose. And secondly, any breeze made the fine wool mold itself to his curves or expose a thigh-high, stilettoed boot. Yet with the hood pulled over his head, most people, in particular most men, did not stare at him with brainless lust. Now their stares engaged their minds, as they curiously wondering if what was hidden was true to what was hinted or if they would find something like a gorgon underneath.

On this day the robe was unneeded. So he reentered the cabin and stowed it with his backpack. Enjoying the freedom of wearing only his armour, Manny soon flew along the winding creek, looking for a fishing spot. He found a pool where it next met the road, a stone bridge having been built to cross it. Settling on a sunny ledge, off to the side, Manny sat with his feet dangling over the edge, his hook in the water attached to the twine knotted around his wrist, and sucked on the stick of candy.

The fishing proved poor, but relaxing as the sun beat down upon him and the stone ledge, basking him in its warmth. Drifting in and out of wakefulness, the natural balance of a pixie was the only thing that kept him from a cold bath.

It was in such a state that he dreamed a curious song.

“Hey, ho, laddios, will you lookie at that ledge. See the pretty butterfly?”

“Holy boingoes, check her out.”

Jerking awake, Manny spotted seven men gawking at him from the bridge. A second glance showed that not a one would be taller than his hips, yet by the beards on all but one he doubted them to be children. Suddenly, he guessed they were dwarfs. He was not impressed. Unlike the warriors of fable, these guys were pudgy little fellows who looked like the should be holding down benches at the local tavern.

“How goes the fishing, Missy?” Asked a grey bearded one, standing in the middle of the pack, whose voice identified him as the first speaker.

“Not so good. Not even a bite.”

“Never had any luck myself. Don’t think there are none fish in this here pond. So, Missy, what are doing out here all on your lonesome?”

Something in the dwarf’s manner placed Manny on guard, but he felt safe on his ledge, the pool serving as a moat. “I’m a wagon train guard, we’re camped at the Wayfarers post.”

“Are you now? Is it a big train?”

Instead of answering, Manny looked towards the most weasily looking member of the bunch who was grinning, pointing towards him, and whispering to another of the dwarfs, one who leaned against the railing as if it was the only thing holding him up. Suddenly realizing where the dwarf pointed, Manny pulled at his short kilt and brought his legs together to sit in a more lady like fashion. The accusatory look of hurt appearing upon the weasel’s face, proving the maneuver wise.

“Big enough.”

“Is that so?” Turning to look at the unbearded dwarf, one with the week chin and holding a hand to his chest, he asked, “Well is she, Boney?”

“How am I supposed to know, Bossy?”

“With your wonder schnoz. After all, it’s what told us she were out here.”

“It don’t tell me that, Bossy. Why don’t you just ask her?”

Growing nervous at their strange behavior, Manny retrieved his fishing line and stowed it away in its bag, before climbing to his feet. “Ask me what?”

Turning a rather nasty leer in the bigxie’s direction, Bossy asked, “So be you a virgin?”

“WHAT!”

“A virgin. You see, this cave we was hoping to use as our hidey hole is the home of some type of monster. So I were thinking that if we was to give it a virgin saccerfice it wouldn’t bother us.”

“Why...I...you...ah...du...wha...I’m not going to be your sacrifice, virgin or otherwise.”

Before the main dwarf could say anything, the weasel said, “Look at her. Bossy. All getted up sexy like. There’s no way she’s a virgin.”

“Shut up, Pervy. I’m talking to the saccerfice, not to you.”

“I’m not your sacrifice.” Manny said.

“There’s a monster in the cave?” The dwarf with the longest beard asked.”Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’m sceered of monsters.”

“That’s why we didn’t tell you, Dummy. Now you be quiet so that I can make the monster less sceery.”

“Okay, Bossy.”

“So, Missy, do we have a deal?”

“Of course we don’t have a deal.”

“Well, I was thinking, what with you dying of a fatal disease, you would want to work out a deal. Something like you help us out with our problem and we send five gold coins to your family.”

“Like I would trust you to send it...wait...I don’t have a fatal disease.”

“Sure you does, you came down with monster sacrifitist.”

This caused six of the dwarfs to break out in laughter, only the one who was afraid of monsters not joining in. Instead he said, “I don’t get it.”

Manny also did not see the humour in the situation, vehemently stating, “You are crazy and I am leaving!”

Breaking off his laughter, Bossy said, “You’re not going to make this easy, are you? Get her, Boys.”

This time it was Manny’s turn to laugh. “What are you gonna do, swim out here?”

“I was talking to them.”

Looking upwards, at where Bossy pointed, Manny saw three red bearded dwarfs, their eyes gleaming crazily, standing on a ledge above him. He only had time to say, “Ahh crap, not more triplets.”

Before the net hit him, its weighted edges pulling him down in a heap. Still he tried to fight when the three scaled down to join him, but that was short lived, for one bonked him on the head with a club.

Coming too was not a pleasant experience for Manny. The knock on the head made him want to throw up. But worse, he was cold, unable to see, and could not move.

As his senses began to return, he started solving these problems. First, he realized that the reason he could not move, was because someone had tied him, standing, to a stake. Second, he figured out that he could not see, because he was in a pitch black room. Third, he threw up, leaning his head as far out as possible, hoping to not splatter himself. With these issues dealt with, his mind uncomfortably focused upon his last problem, being cold. Temporarily he wished that he had not left his robe at the cabin, before guessing that it would have been removed, just like his armour. Hopefully not, but probably, by Pervy. Grimacing at the thought, his next shiver occurred for something other than the cold. At least he still wore his underthings. Though it seemed strange that they would leave him dressed, even this much.

Then he remembered, he was the virgin sacrifice. How better to be presented in the role than clad in silken underthings. All the stories said that was how it was to be done.

He was perfectly suited for the role of the gorgeous virgin, well at least in his current incarnation. As a male, despite limited success with women, he had benefited a time or two from being part of an army who was having a victory party after winning a war. Morals always seemed to slip in that situation and at least for a day or two, women would see him as the conquering hero, rather than a big galoot. Yet he wondered if he was actually a virgin in this form. Not that he had been with a man, the very thought made his queasy stomach more-so. But Maude had carried through with her threat, when leaving Tree Tinka, to purchase him a snake. She had then badgered him daily until he had reluctantly and nervously given in. After that night, the badgering was no longer needed, nor was the reluctance anything other than feigned, but it still made him nervous. It felt wrong, though a very good kind of wrong.

Tearing his mind away from this train of thoughts, he reminded himself he was not an appropriate sacrifice, of any sort. This led his mind to wonder what sort of monster was about to eat him, then to hoping there was no monster. The dwarfs hadn’t seemed particularly smart, maybe they were mistaken.

And if the dwarfs weren’t that smart, what did it make him? He spent some time cursing himself for a fool. Hard to forgive himself for being so confident before falling for such a simple trick. He should have flown away as soon as he realized something was wrong. Gods, how embarrassing it was to die as a oversized pixie, dressed like a courtesan, in some dark hole. He wondered if Maude would ever find out what happened. Though an unknown disappearance held some allure, though he did feel bad that his parents know where or why he disappeared.

For a time, he let his terror at his situation take over. He did not shout nor cry, but his shivering was caused by more than the cold and he did let a few whimpers escape. But even that was chased away by the cold, the dark, and the soreness in his shoulders, from having his arms tied behind the stake.

All that seemed left was to accept his fate. As he began to do so, his mind brushed aside fantasies of escape or rescue, wishing only that the monster would hurry up and arrive. He was tired of waiting.

Then he heard a sound. A faint sound, like the whispering of wind.

Again, silence returned. Stretching...

And then the sound again.

Psss-sss-psss-psss.

Almost it seemed he should understand what it was, but his mind could not penetrate the mystery.

Sssss-psss-ssss-tssss.

It became a niggly itch in his ears. One that he would not be able to reach, even if his hands were not tied. Finally he had enough and shouted, “Just get it over with!”

The shout had the opposite affect. Seemingly scaring away whatever approached, leaving him alone. Not an unusual thing with predators, but it would return and he would become its tasty treat with that return. This time the silence lasted even longer and his mind seemed to shut down, protecting him from his desperate thoughts. Almost he slept, though in the uncomfortable position it was never true sleep.

Until once more the sound penetrated his wall.

This time it seemed much closer. Frantically Manny looked around and spotted something, two faint glows that flickered and disappeared. His eyes on that spot, he noticed it again and again, counting more and more of the glows. Four, six, eight, ten of them.

Slowly they floated forward, growing brighter . Finally he saw they were eyes, big glowing eyes. Immediately his mind tried to recall what type of monster had multiple eyes and lived in caves.

A cyclops! No, no, they only had one eye, not many.

A beholder. That was it, but he knew little about them. He had no idea in what horrible way one would kill him.

He was blinded by a bolt of light. Only after blinking his eyes to clear away the sparkling before them did he see that the light came from a mining lantern, its door now opened. However, his focus was upon the monster who held the lantern. More specifically, the one monster holding it and the four others huddled beside it.

“Dwarfs? More dwarfs?”

“We’re not d’wharfs, we’re gnomes,” said the one holding the lantern.

“Gnomadic gnomes,” said a second.

“We’re not gnomadic gnomes anymore,” said a third, in disagreement.

“Not since we settled in these caves thirty years ago,” said a fourth.

“Yep, we’re back to being gnameless gnomes,” said the last.

“You’re the monster scaring the dwarfs?”

“Oh no,” the first said. “But we work for him and he asked us to bring you to him.”

“I’ll fight you every step of the way.”

“Don’t do that. Besides he’s gnice.”

“He is?”

“Very. He would have greeted you himself, but he’s busy, looking after his young’ins right now.”

Thinking that it would be good to be free of his bindings and that he could take the five meek gnomes if a chance arose, Manny said, “Very well then, I’d like to see your boss. But first you need to untie me.”

“Promise to not do anything gnasty?”

“I promise.”

The gnome stared at him for a few moments, trying to determine if he believed the captive. Finally he took a hesitant step forward, saying, “Okay, but remember only big, meanie-heads break their promise. And big meanie-heads are bad.”

“Agreed.”

With his promise, though given with crossed fingers, the gnomes moved forward en masse to work on the knots which tied him to the stake.

“Ewww, what did I just step in?”

The fire needed to be bigger, Manny thought as he sat hugging his knees to his chest, the silken toes of his hose barely far enough away to not catch fire. He had asked his hosts to make it larger, but they apparently felt one extra chunk of coal was good enough. Now they sat, huddled together on the other side of the fire, silently watching him with wide eyes. It was not the lustful stares to which he still had not grown used to, instead it was a fearful, nervous look. But just as uncomfortable, particularly every attempt to start a conversation ended with a simple response. Finally he decided to utilize something from the book Maude was forcing him to read, Elmadine Fergoro’s So You’ve Been Turned Into a Woman (27 Things You Must Know). That lesson being, ‘if he doesn’t seem interested, then get him to talk about himself’.

“Ummm...you said you’re nameless, why don’t you have names?”

The one who had carried the lantern, answered, “We’re not growed up, gnomes don’t take gnames until we’re growed.”

“You don’t? How do you talk to each other?”

“Why do you gneed gnames to talk to each other?”

“Well, I guess you don’t.”

“Course gnot, you just look at someone and they know you’re talking too them.”

“Ohh, I see. So if your not grown up, how have you been here for thirty years and why do you have beards?”

“There’s more to being growed up than looking growed up. There’s wisdom.”

“And knowledge about yourself,” said the one with the bald head.

“And knowledge about the world,” said the one with the yellow beard.

Sounding a like a learned mantra to Manny, he asked, “How do you go about gaining this wisdom and knowledge?”

Lantern Gnome answered, “Why you go gnomading, of course. Leave the Gnomeland and venture out to find your fortune and gname. However, we’re taking a break, since we got tired of walking.”

“And I had a really gnasty blister on my heal,” the largest said.

“We all told you gnot to wear wet socks. So here we were, resting, when who should appear but Mic.”

“Mic?”

“He’s the monster you were so worried about,” Bald Head said. “But he’s a lot gnicer than most gnon-monsters, lots gnicer than those gno-goodnick d’wharfs who wanted to turn you into a monster snack. He offered us work and we’ve been here ever since, though we’ve been talking about moving on.”

The last sounded like an unsuccessful attempt at self-convincing, but Manny politely let it pass. Instead he said, ”Speaking of those dwarfs, they look a lot like gnomes.”

Lantern Gnome answered, “Of course the do, silly, they’re growed up gnomes.”

“I thought you said weren’t dwarfs?”

“We’re gnot, you can’t become a d’wharf until you’re growed.”

“Huh?”

“Do you want me to explain?”

“Please.” Manny said, his confusion distracting him from his shaking.

“Sigh, very well. See we spend the first 200 or so years of our life in the Gnomeland, learning to mine and to craft and to farm and all types of other things. Round about then, the curiosity starts setting in, about the rest of the Land Beyond. Then a group of friends will decide it is time to head out gnomading, like we did. Gnow there isn’t an exact route to take, but since the Gnomeland is in the Eastern Mountains, you gnaturally head West. Along the way it’s gnot unusual to take breaks, like we’re doing, but sooner or later you find yourself back on the road to the West. But you can’t go on like that forever.”

“You can’t?”

“Course gnot. At some point you come to the Endless Sea. Your trip would be rather short if you kept going. It is at that point, that we are to reflect on our life, on what we want to be, and the uselessness of wandering aimlessly away from Gnomeland when we could be back home making little gnomes.”

“If you already know that, why don’t you turn around and go home now?”

“That’d be cheating. Everybody would know you weren’t ready to be growed up if you shirked your gnomish heritage. Better to follow through and become a gno-goodnick gang like the Monster Snack Servers, then to gnot go all the way to the Endless Sea.”

“Oh, sorry. So anyways, once you’ve reached the seas, you turn around and head home?”

“Gno, gno, you first reflect on your life and in so doing, you will give yourself a Gnom d’Wharf.”

“What?”

“Your gname. Gno longer are you a gnameless gnome gnor a gnomadic gnome, gnow you’re all growed up.”

Still not grasping the gnomish logic behind this seemingly meaningless endeavor, Manny said, “Why do you call it a Gnom d’Wharf? Do you reflect while standing out on a dock or something?”

Yellow Beard muttered, “Grrr, stinky elves.”

Lantern Gnome made a calming gesture to his fellow, before saying, “Gno, we just do it on the shore?”

“Shouldn’t it be Gnom d’Shore?”

“Well actually wharf means the shore of the sea.”

“I don’t think so, it’s a dock that extends out into the water that allows boats to be loaded and unloaded.”

This was too much for Yellow Beard, who burst out and said, “It does too mean shore, its just that those thieves, the elves, got the definition changed. They saw that we had our Western trek, decided it looked fun, and decided they wanted to do it too. Soon they were riding to the sea on their fancy horses, gnot learning anything from the journey, except that their crap don’t stink when they’re high above it. But was that good enough? Gneoooo, they had to one up us. They went and built a ship and all of them sail out to an island on the horizon, further West than we go. Course they had to build a dock for their ship and sure enough they called it a wharf. Gnow, because everybody thinks elves are so wonderful and that gnomes are gnothing, our definition has become obsolete.”

By this point of the rant, Yellow Beard had reached fine form, flailing his arms about and shouting. Gnow, sorry I mean, now, he stood up to prance about and flap his hands beside his head, as he said, in the smarmiest of voices, “Oooh, look at us, we’re the elves. Doesn’t everybody just love us? Why look at how respectful we are to the past, journeying West to pay homage to our ancestors. Oh, the gnomes do it too, poor things I think they just get lost and don’t realize they’re going the wrong way until they run into the sea. Oooh, it’s so great being an elf. Look at me, I’m so tall and pretty and look at my shiny long hair, doesn’t it just show off my pointed ears so perfectly.”

This last, had the smallest gnome pulling on Yellow Beard’s pant leg, finally causing that worthy to look down and snarl, “What?”

Casting a quick look at Manny, Small Gnome jumped to his feet to stand on his tip-toes and whisper, loud enough for Manny to hear, in his companion’s ear. “Look at her, she’s an elf.”

Instantly a sickly look appeared on Yellow Beard’s face. “Umm, at least that’s what I heard those gno-goodnick Monster Snack Servers say, Your Ladyelfship.”

“I’m not an elf.”

Manny’s statement was met by five looks of nervous disbelief. “Look, I have wings, elves don’t have wings, do they?”

The five looked questioningly amongst each other, before Lantern Gnome asked, rather than said, “Gnooo?”

“Of course they don’t.”

“What are you?”

“I guess you could say I’m a bigxie?”

“A what?”

“A big pixie.”

“I didn’t know there was such a thing.”

“That’s fair, I didn’t know the difference between dwarfs and gnomes.”

They did not respond to this point, instead he saw them looking at something over his head. Spinning about, knowing their employer had arrived, his eyes grew almost as large as theirs at what he saw.

“Heya, Doll. I have to hand it to Bossy and his Idiot Posse, useless as they are at anything else, they sure know how to pick out an excellent sacrifice.”

It was Manny’s turn to stare. Never once, while tied to the stake in the dark cave, had his speculation led him to believe that the monster in the cave would be a man-sized walking and talking mushroom. Manny had since learned that Mic was a myconid and despite his initial words, seemed as nice as the gnomes had said. Having spoken, he noticed Manny`s shivering state, and had turned into the polite host. Soon his gnomish henchmen had the fire blazing, found a blanket (that Manny appreciated despite his belief it had not been washed since the gnomes left the Gnomeland), and seen that he was fed (admittedly the lichen was the blandest thing he had ever eaten and left him longing for a stick of candy).

Now the one time sacrifice felt more comfortable in his surroundings. So much so that he found himself babbling his life story, particularly his strange experiences since arriving in the Land Beyond.

Scratching his chin, that is if he had a chin, Mic said, “You’ve had an interesting time of it, haven’t you? I’m sure you will find it much more relaxing to settle down and become my consort.”

“What! No. I can’t be your consort!”

“But you were given to me, for what other purpose than to be my consort.”

“I don’t want to be your consort,” Manny said, even admitting to himself he sounded quite whiny. But he didn’t blame himself, it had been a rather trying day.

“Is it because I’m a spore, spore farmer, who can only offer lichen stew?”

“No, it’s you’re a myconid and I’m a bigxie. And I’m not really a bigxie either, I’m really a human. And male at that.”

“Come on, Doll, if you just give me a chance, you’ll find out that I’m really a fun guy.”

Manny just gawked, his jaw moving, but no sound issuing forth. Watching his guest, Mic finally broke out in laughter. “You should see your face, Doll. I’m really sorry, I know that was horrible, but its been rattling around in my head for years and this was my first chance to use it. Really I agree with you, gorgeous though you may be, I’m not really into the whole interspecies kink. Besides, no matter who you think you should be, you’re currently a creature of the woods. Living inside a mountain wouldn’t be good for you.”

Slumping in relief at these words, in a rather small voice, Manny asked, “So you’ll let me go?”

“I’m sure I’m going to come off as a cad for this, but...I’ll let you go under one condition.”

“What?” Manny asked, his nerves beginning to jitter once more.

“Rid my mountain of those dwarf squatters, Bossy and his gang. They’ve have been messing with the harmony in my caves and its been affecting my spores.

“What do you think, I’m going to do? There’s ten of them and only one of me.”

“You’re an adventurer, adventurers always find their way around such problems.”

“This isn’t some storybook. Besides, I’ve got nothing to wear.”

“Honestly, Doll, they’re pretty pathetic villains, the type who give incompetents a bad name.”

“If they’re so incompetent, Mic, why don’t you deal with them?”

“Now why didn’t I think of that? I don’t know, maybe because I’m a giant fricken mushroom? Could that be it?”

“There’s no need to get snippy.”

“Snippy? Why I’ll...ahh, you’re right, Doll, it’s not your fault. I’ve just been stressed recently, these dwarfs have gotten on my nerves and right before seeding too. Besides who am I kidding, I don’t have it in me to keep you here against your will.”

Manny instinctively began to flinch away from the most devastating of attacks.

“And I’m sure you have more important things to do, rather then help out some old, spore farmer.”

And there it was, a solid guilt trip right between the eyes. An attack from which he had little defense, particularly with his built in grudges against Bossy and the boys. No, that was not correct. Manny realized he had one defense mechanism left, he could hide behind someone else. Even better that someone else was not here to gainsay him.

“I’d like to help out, Mic. Really I would, but I’m not free to do whatever I want. See, I’m supposed to be meeting my employer, who happens to be a powerful witch, at the Wayfarers post. She is likely quite vexed at me for keeping her waiting.”

“She sounds quite fearsome, maybe she could help with my problem? What type of witch is she? A firecaster? A stormcaller? Maybe a cursemistress?”

This was why Manny no longer gambled, his bluffs were always called and once called, he always folded like a cheap camp stool. “Ummm...she’s a seamstrist.”

“A seamstrist?”

“A very good seamstrist,” Manny said in protest.

“Why how fortuitous,” Mic said. “Maybe she can help me with a problem I’ve had even longer than the dwarfs. I’ve been hoping to replace the rags my gnomes wear.”

“Don’t want gnew clothes.”

“I like my rags.”

“Now, now, Lads. You know very well that our contract states I am to feed, house, and garb you. I’m not going to tempt fate anymore by shirking that part of responsibilities when I have an opportunity to rectify the situation.”

“mumble-mumble-mumble.”

“That’s not very polite, is it? Now come along, you’re getting new duds whether you want them or not. Oh, you should come too, Doll. Unless you would prefer to find the way out of mountain on your own.”

Manny only screwed his eyes shut, hoping that when he opened them, it would find him waking up from a crazy dream at his parent’s home. Worse luck, opening hem showed a fading light as the myconid and his employees began to turn a corner. Throwing aside the blanket, he jumped up, and raced to join the troop. Fluttering along at the rear, he ignored the gnomish mumbles, being wrapped up in uttering a few of his own.

No way could Manny have been able find his way out of the mountain on his own, as Mic led them through a bewildering array of tunnels and caves that had him lost soon after the light of the fire disappeared. Fortunately one or another of the gnomes was constantly asking, “how much longer,” so he did not feel alone in being lost. Yet the myconid knew where he was going and after who knows how long, Manny saw the glow of sunlight coming from the direction in which they marched. Exiting the final cave, into the sunlight, it was all Manny could do to fight instincts he did not know he had and jump twirling into the air to perform a pixie dance of joy.

In the next moment, he noticed something strange, the sun was low in the Eastern sky. Which prompted him to ask, “How long was I inside?”

“Since yesterday afternoon,” Mic answered. “We spotted Bossy’s boys down in the caves around then, but didn’t have any idea why they were there until much later.”

“Oh no, I wonder if Maude went on without me?”

It did not take long before Manny began to feel guilty about his lack of faith in his employer, for as they climbed down a mountain goat path, he spotted the Wayfarers post in the distance. Specifically, he saw Maude’s wagon and Andy, who looked much smaller than his usual massive size. His guilt grew complete when their approach caused the auroch to bellow his greeting, in what Manny interpreted to be a happy tone, which brought the curious witch out of the cabin.

Immediately upon seeing him, a huge smile of relief and happiness appeared on Maude’s face. Not quite at a run, she trotted towards the newcomers, wrapped Manny in a quick hug, and asked, “Where have you been? I was worried sick. When I didn’t find you here, I tracked you to the pool by the bridge and found your spear, but not you. What happened?”

Deciding to ignore her ability to track him to the pool, when he had flown there, Manny answered, “Well I went to the pool, hoping to catch some fish for our supper. While there I was surprised by some dwarfs who captured me.”

“Dwarfs?” Maude asked, dangerously looking past Manny at his companions.

“We’re gnot d’wharfs,” one of the gnomes said in a squeaky voice.

“No, not the gnomes. I guess you could say they rescued me.”

“Gnomes, they look like dwarfs. What’s the difference?”

“Well...”

“Oh, never mind. That’s not important now. Why did dwarfs capture you and why is a myconid with you? Did he have something to do with it?”

“Who, Mic? No, no, see there are dwarfs squatting in Mic’s cave who think he’s a monster. Why do they think that Mic?”

“Well, when they’re sleeping I sneak up to their area and howl madly. I was hoping it would drive them away,” the myconid answered.

“Oh, that makes sense. So anyways, Maude, these dwarfs found me at the fishing hole where, because I was overconfident, thinking I could fly away at anytime, they captured me to use as a virgin sacrifice for the monster.”

Maude’s eyes opened wide at this, then the corners of her mouth began to curl upwards, causing Manny’s blush to grow more noticeable. “I take it that’s why you’re only wearing your underthings.”

Her guard nodded mutely. Smiling at this, Maude turned her attention to the myconid. “Did you not find Manny a worthwhile sacrifice, Sir Myconid?”

“Maude!”

“Oh yes, Madame Witch, she was most worthy. She even tried to convince me that she would be an excellent consort...”

“Mic!”

“...however, I told her that it would not work. What with her being a creature of the woods and me being a creature of the caves. Instead, I proposed that she help me by ridding me of those meddlesome dwarfs, but she said she needed to talk to her employer first.”

Swinging a frustrated look between the two jokesters, Manny shook his head in mock disgust, his knee length braid barely missing one of the gnomes. Then he flitted towards the cabin, harrumphing his opinion, and stating, “I need some candy.”

He was arm deep in his pack when everybody else traipsed into the cabin. “I know its kind of funny now, but it wasn’t funny while I was tied to the stake waiting for something horrible to happen. In fact, thinking about it makes me mad, really mad. They tried to take my life and they took my armour. Sure it makes me look like a play toy, but it’s mine and I want it back. I want to take those little buggers out.”

“Of course you do,” Maude said. “That’s perfectly reasonable. And I agree, they need to be taken out.”

“You do?”

“Yes, I do. It’s obvious that they are hoping to set themselves up as bandits and prey upon people traveling along the road. The only question is whether or not we can handle them on our own.”

“Maybe. They did not strike me as fighters, but much will depend upon their lair. That’s why I was thinking, if you think it would be okay, that I could change into Tinka and go scouting.”

“You said you didn’t want to be changed again, at least not until we can change you back to your real self.”

“I know I said that, but...”

“It won’t work,” Mic said, interrupting Manny’s justification.

“It won’t?” Manny asked.

“You said that one of the gnomes smelled you earlier, wouldn’t he be able to do so again?”

“Well I’ll be smaller and I’ll take a bath.”

“That may work, but how are you going to see?”

“Crap, I can’t very well carry a torch while scouting can I?”

Mic said, “Not likely; however, you don’t need to scout Yeti Caves, since my gnomes have already done so themselves.”

“You have? Wait, there’s yeti in the cave, that will make it much more difficult.”

“Of course there are no yeti, everybody knows they’re imaginary. No I just call it that, because it would be a perfect set of caves for yeti if they did exist. It also works well for a bunch of dwarfs who don’t really like each, allowing them to spread out in different areas and only deal with each when Bossy calls them together. Tell her.”

This last order was directed at the gnomes. Surprisingly it was the smallest gnome who stepped forward and said, “Well, Your Bigxieship, Mic is right in that they don’t like each other and that’s why they’re spread out within Yeti Caves. On entry, the first one you’ll run into is the weasely one you were talking about, Pervy. Gnone of them like him, since he’s always telling the sickest stories and laughing at his own jokes, so Bossy made him the Gatekeeper and...”

Not being embarrassed at his morning’s appearance proved how much Manny had adapted to his life in the Land Beyond. Based upon the scouting report of Pervy, they learned he was nearly as paranoid as he was horny, which resulted in his having built a barricade at the entrance tunnel and manning it with the dwarfs’s lone crossbow. It had not taken a tactical genius to determine the wisdom of exploiting his horniness to overcome his paranoia. For that they needed bait. Even Manny had not expected that role to be played by anyone other than himself.

Of course, amongst Pervy’s many flaws, they did not think him to be a complete moron; therefore, Manny’s bigxie form would not work, since being a species of one made the coincidental possibility of a second bigxie showing up, rather improbable. However, that was not the only form available to him. With Maude’s magic mirror, he could quickly become The Grandwitch Grunhilda or the seamstrist’s daughter, Lirial, both beauties in their own right. In the end they had chosen Lirial. An unhappy choice for Maude, after all what mother wants to see her daughter as bait, even if it’s not her daughter. Yet this was outweighed by being scared spitless of the grandwitch, neither of them was any more likely to renege on their promise to the Grunhilda, not to assume her form, then wed a mammoth.

Still trying to convince herself of their choice, even as she fiddled with the braids in Manny’s straw coloured hair, shaped into a harvest queen’s crown, Maude said, “Really this is the right choice, as Grunhilda you would surely have intimidated the little fellow into hunkering down behind his barrier. Whereas, you would be able to tempt a dead priest, never mind an over horny and undersexed dwarf.”

Manny only sighed his agreement. What he now accepted as his normal form (for now) was all va-va-voom, while Lirial was the adorable innocent. Although that innocence was rather diminished by the pixieish day dress Maude had fashioned for him. True, the ivory silk was at least one order of opacity more than the material she used in their dresses, but it still left his body perfectly silhouetted by the rising sun. Truly he personified nice and naughty.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t hold out long against someone looking like this, nor would most fellows I know. Well, I better get started, the gnome said Pervy was the only early riser in the bunch, so hopefully I can deal with him, before he is reinforced.”

“Okay, I’ll wait here with the mirror and your weapons. We’ll be ready to change you to yourself once you’ve dealt with this one.”

“Very well,” Manny said and began walking towards the cave.

Crossing the bridge, where he had been captured two days earlier, he spotted his destination. As reported, a number of logs had been stacked before the cave entrance, more than enough to make him hesitant at rushing it, even with a shield. Instead he stopped just out of crossbow range, put on the alluring smile Maude had made him practice and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally he broke character to stoop down, pick up a rock, and heave it weakly towards the barrier. Falling well short, it still made a satisfying clatter as it bounced along the road.

“Wha...who...what was that? Who’s there.”

Hesitantly at first, a weasely face peeked over the logs, then in a burst Pervy was standing upright, his crossbow at his side, a leer on his face. “Holy cripes. Am I still dreaming?”

Manny did not answer, he just smiled, before turning to walk back towards the bridge, swaying in that way that came so naturally. After a few steps, he turned to look back at the dwarf, a questioning look (also well practiced) on his face and made a come hither gesture.

After this, he sped up, though not noticeably, listening to hear if he was followed. Seemingly even Pervy was not horny enough to be drawn out by such an obvious ruse, but then...

“Hey wait! Woah, woah, Gorgeous, don’t be leaving. Cripes, wait for me.”

Not turning, Manny was just about across the bridge when he heard the patter of running feet.

“Not that I don’t mind following, Honeycheeks, but where we heading?”

Pointing towards a large boulder, Manny hoped Maude was ready to help him waylay the dwarf. However, those plans were forgotten at the next words from his follower.

“So, Honeycheeks, you gonna need me to help you out of your dress? I’m real good at it, why just a couple days ago I helped this hot, blonde winged chick out of hers. But she was nothing com...”

Pervy did not get a chance to finish his sentence, for something inside Manny had snapped at this confirmation of his indignity. Balling his hand into a tiny fist, he spun on a heel, swung from his hip, and decked the dwarf right between the eyes. Now Lirial’s form did not have the brute strength of Manny’s natural body, nor the unnatural strength of a pixie, but Pervy was hardly bigger than a six year old, so he went flying, knocked out.

Manny did not see the result of his fistiwork. Instead he grabbed his hand with the other, clenched it to his chest, and started hopping around. “Ouch ouch ouch ouch ch ch.”

Rushing around from behind the boulder, Maude demanded, “What happened?”

“I think he broke my hand.”

“With his face? Here let me look at it. See if can open and close it a few time. Oh, its not too bad, go and dunk it in the creek for a few minutes while I tie Pervy up.”

By the time Maude finished securing the dwarf, Manny’s hand was wet and sore, but he didn’t think there was a problem that a bit of time wouldn't handle. Returning to Maude and their victim, he stooped to help carry him behind the boulder, when he stopped and stared.

“Umm, Maude, where did you get these restraints?”

Where Manny had expected rope, Pervy’s hands were actually cuffed together, behind his back, by studded black leather shackles. So were the dwarfs feet, the two sets of shackles joined together by a chain. Manny doubted their intended purpose was actually to hold prisoners.

“I make them. A number of my clients are always in search of such things, but find most to be very poor quality. Whereas, they know any that I make won’t be breaking at inopportune times.”

“Who?”

“Oh, I couldn’t say. Seamstrist client confidentiality is too sacred a trust. Now help me with the dwarf, we need to continue on with our plan.”

The still unconscious dwarf safely stowed, Manny found himself back in front of the mirror, being bigxiefied. It was mostly a relief, to return to form. Not only was the soreness in his hand gone, but he felt a vibrancy, a feeling of solidness and strength, almost like his true self, that was not there when he was in the fragile form of Lirial. There was only one problem, his clothes.

With the possibility of battle in his near future, he couldn`t stay in his underthings; therefore, Maude had made him new clothes. At Manny`s request, they matched the uniform that the seamstrist had dressed him in, their first day together, with trousers, tunic, and solid walking boots. Like everything the witch made, they were perfectly sized for her guard. Despite this, Manny thought they fit horribly. The clothes were hot and itchy and dull, while the boots made him fill short. He surprisingly missed Tinka`s gaudy armour and wanted it back.

However, he had no intention to say so to Maude. Not after all the times he had complained about that armour to her. He distracted himself by performing the Beige Baron’s recommended stretches, to spread his warrior spirit throughout his body. Manny placed his thimble helm upon his head, strapped his button shield to his left arm, and picked up his needle spear in his right arm.

“Let’s go.”

Believing their opportunity for surprise, would be small, the two cautiously entered the mouth of the cave. Manny leading with his shield held high, while Maude followed with a lit torch and a bag full of shackles.

Creeping forward, Manny quietly asked, “How far did the gnome say it was before we run into the next pair?”

Almost mimicking the gnomes voice, Maude repeated what he had said. “After Pervy, you will gnext, in about thirty kilometres, come to Drunky the Alchemist’s lab, where he is trying to turn potatoes into gold. There, you’ll also find his assistant, Lazy, who just sits around gnapping all day. I wanna be an assistant when I grow up.”

“Umm...Maude, what’s a kilometre?”

“A gnomish measurement for distance. I believe it how far a metrepede can travel in one thousand seconds.”

“How far is that?”

“Who knows, only a gnome would think to measure distance in such a way.”

They found a metrepede did not travel overly fast, for not too far into the cave they were almost blinded by a wall of alcoholic fumes. Drunky the Alchemist had been successful, not in creating gold, but in his actual goal. Further proof, 100% proof, came as they waded through the fumes and heard the dueling of inharmonious snoring. Looking at Maude, Manny sped up, flying through an opening off the main passage into a hollow. There he found a slapdash still and the dwarf who had used the bridge to hold him up and one other.

Neither was a threat, both either being asleep or passed out, but Manny wanted to keep it that way. So, with only a small twinge of consciousness, he rapped each upon the head, which put them in a deeper, snoreless sleep. Grimacing at the thwacks Manny had administered, Maude reached into her back and pulled out two more sets of shackles, which she handed one after another to her guard so that he could secure the prisoners.

Just as they were finishing, the two were surprised by a voice from the entrance. “Hey, you’re already here. Hiya, Virgin Saccerfice, who’s your friend?”

Manny just gaped at this interruption; however, Maude, being more fleet of mind, answered, “I’m Maude, who are you?”

“Hiya, Maude, I’m Dummy. Boney told Bossy that he smelled Virgin Saccerfice and Bossy told me to tell everybody to get ready to greet her. I already told Gougey, Pokey, and Choppy, then I came here to tell Drunky and Lazy, where are...oh there they are. Why are they tied up?”

“Well...”

“I bet it was Pervy, seems like his type of joke. He has cuffs like those that he’s always showing off. I didn’t know he had two sets, but I’m not surprised. Speaking of Pervy, did you tell him that you were here?”

Maude answered, “In a manner of speaking.”

“Oh, good, I don’t like talking to Pervy by myself, he makes fun of me. So since I don’t have to go talk to him, I can ask if you dealt with the monster, Virgin Saccerfice?”

“Umm...call me Manny”

“Okay, Manny, that’s a strange name. Why’d you call yourself that? You’re not a man, you’re a girl. Or do you want to be man? I could understand that.”

“It’s what my parent’s named me.”

“Other people name you? That’s weird. Though I guess others named me, people were always calling me Dummy and I had gotten used to it, so what’s a guy to do. It’s not like Boney, now there’s a funny story. See he planned to name himself Nosey, cause of how good he is at smelling. However, when he arrived at the wharf his piles were really acting up while he waited beside the water for Lou, that’s the Name Master, to arrive. When Lou did arrive, Boney hissed out Nosey through clenched teeth; however, Lou heard Boney. Before Boney realized the mistake, his name had been entered in the Book of Names and it was too late to change. But don’t tell him I told ya, its another sore subject with him. What were we talking about?”

“Umm...”

Again Maude was more helpful in her answer. “The monster.”

“Oh right, the monster. Did you deal with the monster, Manny? I’ve been so worried since Bossy told us about it, that I haven’t slept a wink.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, stab it with your spear?”

“How was I supposed to do that when I was tied up and I didn’t have me spear?”

“Well I was kind of wondering myself. But when you asked to be tied up, I knew that you were so confident about dealing with the monster that I needn’t worry. Sorry that I still did, I should have shared your confidence.”

“I didn’t ask to be tied up.”

“You didn’t?”

“No!”

“Then why did we tie you up?” Dummy asked, a look of confusion on his face.

“Because...”

Maude interjected, to say, “Let me handle this, Manny. So, Dummy, do you know what a virgin sacrifice is?”

“I thought it was Manny’s name.”

“No, a virgin sacrifice is usually a young lady who is given to a monster to be eaten, in the hopes that the monster will spare everybody else.”

“Really?” Dummy asked, his face showing his shock.”

“Really.”

“That’s horrible.” With these words the dwarf rushed towards Manny, wrapping his arm’s around the guard’s leg, staring up at him with sad eyes, said, “I’m so sorry, Manny. I didn’t know. I knew they were meanie-heads, but not that big of meanie-heads. I would have helped you if I had known. Course I would have failed, but I would of.”

Extremely uncomfortable with the dwarf clinging to his leg, Manny gave it a shake. Unsuccessful at freeing himself, Manny looked beseechingly at Maude. The witch took pity on him, moving over to peel the dwarf away and tell him. “We believe you, Dummy.”

“I wanna go home, back to the farm. I like weeding, I really do. Bossy said there would be cake if I followed him. There’s been no cake.”

“We’ll see that you get back to the farm. But first we have to deal with Bossy, will you wait here for us?”

Sniffling, Dummy said, “Okay. Hurry though, I don’t want the monster to get me.”

Leaving the contrite dwarf behind, Manny waited a few moments before asking, “Can we trust him?”

“I do. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess. He’s not the first sucker to get wrapped up with the wrong bunch. And this next batch are who they meant when they defined bad bunch.”

“Agreed. Anybody who would take the names Gougey, Pokey, and Choppy are probably not all that interested in making the world a better place. We better be careful.”

Floating along Manny made no sound. Nor did Maude make that much more. Therefore, they were able to hear the murmuring of voices ahead of them. Gesturing for his companion to wait, Manny drifted forward, until the light from her torch was just a pin prick. However, by this time he could see a larger flame in the distance. Continuing forwards, he saw it came from a roaring fire in a grotto, which also held the maniacal threesome who had netted him two days earlier.

Apparently they could also see him, for the one on the left held up a cleaver and said, “Stop right there or I’ll chop you.”

The one on the right held up a carving fork and said, “Come no closer or I’ll poke you.”

“Actually, come closer. I wanna gouge you.” The middle one said holding up his...

“What the heck is that thing?” Manny asked, pointing his spear at what the middle dwarf held.

“It’s a fooon.”

“A what?”

“A fooon. You know, part fork and part spoon.”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to call it...”

“Don’t say it.” The fooon wielder shouted in interruption, spittle flying. “Mock not the deadliest weapon known, nor me, Gougey, the premier wielder of the fooon in the Land Beyond.”

“I always thought the deadliest weapon was a carving fork.”

“See I told ya.”

“Shut up, she’s mocking you. Mocking all of us, the Deadly Three.”

“She is, is she. I really wanna poke her, Gougey.”

“Yeah, let me get into chopping range, Gougey.”

“Shall we, brothers?”

At this question, the three each rushed forward, each shouting a war cry of either poke, chop, or gouge. Admittedly, rushing dwarfs are not the quickest of foot, Manny had ample time to lower his shield and intercept their attack.

Thunk!

Thwap!

Snick!

Not really wanting to kill the lunatics, Manny did not take any of the opportunities presented as the randomly hacked and gouged at his shield, used to protect his legs and midsection. However, they were energetic little buggers and Manny began to worry that they would break through his defense. This worry was immediately followed by recognizing that he no longer was a member of the Beige Baron’s shield wall, he had other options besides standing fast. Such as springing into the air, well above the heads of his enemies.

“No fair!”

“Cheater!”

“Oooooh, I really, really wanna gouge her.”

It was a stalemate. Manny felt he could end it at any time, energetic though they were, the dwarfs were unskilled fighters and bore some of the most useless weapons he had ever seen. The problem was, his spear was not much better for his intentions. He really needed a good club, if he wished to capture them alive.

At this point the three dwarfs had quit hopping into the air, swinging their weapons hopelessly at the bigxie above them. Bringing their heads together they tried to concoct a plan. This led to an argument between Gougey and Choppy.

“If you think it’s such a great idea, you or Pokey can do it.” Choppy said.

“Pokey can’t do it, his shoulder’s no good.”

“Pokey wasn’t the only option.”

Gougey glared at his brother, who just glared right back. Finally the first growled, “Very well. Well what are you waiting for? Chicken?”

At this taunt, Choppy hung his cleaver from his belt, before marching behind his brother. In turn, Gougey crouched down so that Choppy could climb onto his shoulders. They both turned their glares on the third brother, who sighed and moved to join them. With much grunting and cursing, they were able to Pokey on top of Choppy’s shoulders, at which point the fork wielder said, “I’m still not high enough.”

“Stand on my shoulders.”

“I don’t like heights.”

“And I don’t like carrying my two fat ass brothers on my shoulders, but you don’t hear me complaining. Do you?”

“This is stupid, but if you insist.”

It was, Manny admitted to himself, an impressive feat of strength by Gougey. However, it was a pretty pathetic implementation of the tumbler’s art. He knew it would take hours of practice for the three to find proper balance and for Pokey to not wobble precariously atop his perch. They presented a target Manny could not pass up, he darted forward.

Seeing this, Pokey stuck his arm out, pointed his carving knife at his onrushing foe and yelled, “Poooooooke!”

If he had kept his eyes open, he would have seen that Manny was not intending to joust with him. So Pokey completely missed seeing the bigxie sweep past, holding his spear out horizontally. Instead he only realized what was happening when he folded around the spear, as it slapped across the stomach and knocked him from his perch.

“Ooomph!”

Splat!

Scrambling off Gougey’s shoulders, Choppy hurried to his fallen brother’s side. In turn, Gougey shouted a number of dire threats at Manny, before turning to his brothers to ask, “How is he?”

“Well no thanks to your brilliant plan, but I thinks he’s just winded.”

“Why don’t you come up with something better?”

Their glares were back in full force, but then Choppy’s eyes lit up in inspiration and he said, “Rocks.”

No sooner did the word leave his mouth then he dashed towards a pile near the grotto’s wall. Manny knew the danger if the dwarfs started chucking rocks at him, particularly if the two spread out. So once more he darted forward, this time like a wasp attacking a pixie. Leading with a thrust of his shield, Manny crashed into the dwarf and despite appearances, he currently was far from being the fragile Lirial.

Choppy responded by saying, “eaooouugh” and collapsing to the ground.

There was no time to check the dwarf’s condition. Manny’s attack had exposed his back to his third opponent. So leaping into the air, he twirled to search for Gougey, raising his shield in hopes of deflecting any projection hurled in his direction.

There!

His eyes opening wide in shock, Manny saw that Gougey had interpreted rocks differently than his brother. Not for him were they to be used as missiles. Instead, Gougey had ran up a ramp, along a ledge, and projected himself into the air towards Manny.

“Gouououououge!”

About half way, the horrible truth penetrated the dwarf’s enraged mind.

“Ahhh, crap.”

Having heard the sound of fighting, Maude had hustled forward to help. She arrived just in time to see the gnomes noble leap of faith and the ignoble result. She spoke for both Manny and herself, when she said, “Goodness gracious, that looked like it hurt.”

Manny and Maude felt no twinges of conscience as they shackled the moaning threesome, though they had confirmed that none of dwarfs were seriously hurt. They took a moment for a drink and to go over the small gnome’s scouting report on the final batch of dwarfs, which consisted of Dummy (though he was now out of the picture), Boney, Bossy, and the ominously named, Alan. If the report was to be believed, Alan was the scariest of the bunch, even the triplets were afraid of him. However, the gnome had been unable to explain what made him so scary, having overheard the dwarfs calling him both a fighter and a magician.

Nervous about the ambiguous information, Manny once more asked, “Are you sure there isn’t anything you can do? Some offensive or defensive skills?”

“Sorry, Manny, they didn’t teach anything like that at Seamstrist school. Sure, the older students passed on the regular practical jokes, things like tying someone's boot laces together, choking them with their collar, and belt breaking to make people’s pants fall down. But those are not that serious of spells. Besides, if I knew anything more, why would I need a guard?”

“I guess there is nothing for it to blunder forward?”

“Some would say that is how I have lead my entire life,” Maude said, a wistful smile appearing on her face.

“Me too, I suppose. And I guess it has mostly worked, I’m still in one piece, a completely different piece, but one none-the-less. No reason to change now. So shall we blunder onwards?”

“After you.”

The next cavern, larger than the previous one, found their final opponents waiting. Bossy and Boney, Manny recognized immediately; however, his focus went to the third dwarf. Looking at him now, Manny wondered how he had not noticed him on the bridge, for Alan looked more the part of a villain than even the crazy red heads. Dressed all in black, Alan’s slicked back hair was the same colour, as was his beard, which had been trimmed, unlike the dwarfish norm, into a pointed goatee. However, it was the eyes, hooded beneath dark brows, that gave Manny pause. They looked so very cold, enough to make him shiver.

A shiver that did not escape Bossy. The bandit leader laughed and said, “Fool, why did you not escape when you had the chance. You may have evaded the monster, but you’ll learn we are much worse. Ain’t that right, Alan.”

This brought a sneer to the henchmen’s face, though Manny’s voice barely rose as he bravely said, “I’m not afraid, I kicked your red-headed goons’s asses and we’ll happily do the same to yours.”

“Get her Alan.”

At these words, Manny crouched down, behind his shield, thrusting his spear forward. But Alan was not an opponent like the rest he had faced in the Land Beyond. Not for him was the bull headed charge, instead his sneer changed into a smirk, as he took a pair of black leather gloves, folded into his black leather belt, and slowly put them on, pressing between each pair of fingers to ensure there were no wrinkles to the snug fit.

“So, Blondie, what is your choice. Would you have me into slice you into pieces or burn you in fire.”

Receiving no response to his taunt, Alan said, “Ahh, you wish me to choose, isn’t that nice of you?”

With these words, Alan walked towards a table and swept away the cloth that covered it. Neither Manny nor Maude could contain their gasp at the instruments of death displayed upon it; swords of multiple lengths and widths, maces, hammers, axes, dagger, wands, and staves. Many of these Alan gently caressed or fondled, turning questioning looks towards Manny and holding some up questioningly.

Finally Manny had enough of the act and said, “Just pick one. I’ll fight you with whatever.”

“Oh, so kind of you to leave the choice to. I choose...this...no no, maybe this...too messy...how about...yes perfect. I choose, to surrender.”

“What?” Manny asked, in shock.

“What!” Bossy shouted, in outrage.

“But, but, aren’t you the dangerous one?” Maude asked.

“Yeah.” Boney agreed.

“Well not really. See its how I look, everybody thinks I comb my hair and trim my beard way this way, but that’s just how it grows. And when they grew like this, everybody stopped picking on me. Gnomes started to respect me and I ate it up. You could say that while everybody else was cultivating squash, I was cultivating an air of sinister mystery.”

“You lied, you lying no-goodnick.”

“You got me there, Bossy. But really what did sinister mystery ever get me, except the company of dickheads like Gougey, Pervy, and yourself?”

“I’ll kill you.”

“Yeah right, I may not be much good, but I’ll still kick your fat ass.” While Bossy sputtered his outrage, Alan turned back to our intrepid duo and asked, “You know what I really want to do?”

Maude answered, “What would you like to do, Dearie?”

“Become an endive farmer. Not that I really know what an endive is, though I think its some leafy vegetable thing. But just say it with me, ennnn-diiive, isn’t that musical. Nothing like cabbage or carrot or turnip, they’re so pedestrian. But an endive, truly it is the vegetables of the minor deities who don’t get the manna that Gods eat. Though it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that Gods crumple manna up in a nice endive salad for an appetizer. Ennnnn-diiiive.”

“I’ll endive you right on the head, you endiving liar,” Bossy shouted, before he ran to Alan’s table, picked up a hammer, and began to chase his former henchman around the table.

After their fifth or sixth circuit, Manny had enough, and stepped forward to end it. However, Bossy spotted the move and scurried away. Stopping, he looked from Alan to Manny to Boney and asked, “Everybody going to Wing Chick tonight?”

“What?” Boney asked, confused by the question.

“You going to surrender also? Like a turtle?”

“I told you when you recruited me, Bossy. I’m a smeller, not a fighter.”

“Cowards, one and all. And when I offered you the world. But my will shall overcome all obstacles. My will and...get her, Boys!”

“Crap! Not again.” Manny shouted, as he turned around to ward off attack. But this time, nobody was there.

“Ha ha, fooled you again. Too bad your pixie brain were not enlarged with the rest of you.”

Turning back, Manny spotted the dwarfen leader running away. Curiously, he wondered to where. Then he spotted it, a small, dwarf-sized door frame in the rock wall. Not wanting to let the little bastard get away, Manny sprang forward in chase. But Bossy had too much of a head start, barely had Manny closed half the distance before his prey reached his destination.

Karunch!

Stopped as if had run into, well a rock wall, Bossy leaned against it for a moment. Turning, he gazed unblinkingly at Manny, smiled a silly smile, and keeled over.

“Wow, that must of hurt,” Boney said. “I really can’t understand why he still believed that you created a magical, escape tunnel.”

Alan shook his head and said, “Me neither”

The mop up turned out to be more work than the actual invasion. After finding Manny’s stolen armour, they drafted Alan, Boney, and Dummy to carry their shackled, former comrades out of Yeti Cave, Manny acting as guard, while Maude and her mirror returned to the Wayfarers post to get Andy and the wagon. When Maude returned, she found that their battered and bruised captives were all outside the cave, piled beside the first captive, Pervy.

Impressed with their quiet and meekness, she learned the reason for this when Pervy began to speak and Manny bonked him on the head with his spear. The dwarf scowled in the direction of his captor, but remained quiet.

Lifting the shackled seven into the wagon required Maude and Manny, the three surrenderers being too small. While doing so, Manny asked, “What are we going to do with them?”

“I guess will have to take them with us. At least until Hillfoot, the next town.”

“How far is that?”

“Three or four days.“

“This isn’t going to be fun.”

Just as they were about to climb up onto their seats, a large shadow flashed overhead. Manny did not squeak, that was one of the dwarfs in the back of the wagon. But he did blurt out, “What was that?”

Looking upwards, Maude said, “Oh dear, I had forgotten about that.”

“About what? What is it?”

“A dragon.”

“A dragon? Like a real fire breathing dragon?”

“I assume so, but don’t worry its not wild dragon. See when it appeared you had gone missing, I put in a distress call. I’m guessing this is a response to it. Probably I should have called it off, but in the excitement of your return I put it off. Then we got all wrapped up in planning this attack, then I had to deal with Mic’s request to outfit his gnomes and then convince him to buy that ermine trimmed cloak. Though really, I don’t think I had to do much convincing. Once I saw how good he looked in it, I knew he would take it. Nothing like nice clothes to make someone feel good about themselves.”

“The dragon, Maude. Is someone on it?”

“Probably a Paladin of the We’re Better Than You Order of St. Biff. They currently have the contract to provide security along the trade road.”

“Is that really their name?”

“Sure, St. Biff was their founder. Oh, or do you mean the whole, We’re Better than You thingee, well that’s true also. They have a big thing about honesty, though not so much of a big thing about arrogance. But it is fortunate that he showed up when he did, we can hand the dwarfs over to him.”

“Very fortunate. It’s almost like someone is making up our story as we go along.”

“Now, that’s just silly superstition, Manny.”

“I guess. After all, what type of mouth-breathing imbecile would dream up a story as stupid as this?”

“Too true. Too true. Now hop up, we really shouldn’t keep the paladin waiting.”

They didn’t, not for long. Still, when they reached the post, Sir Steve was not pleased, though his anger did not detract from his handsomeness. You know, the whole chiseled features, steely eyes, wide shoulders, minimum nose hair, and all that. However, he seemed to recognize Maude and was borderline respectful towards her, as she told him what had happened.

Ignored, Manny found himself staring at his armour. Finally deciding that it was not worth fighting the desire, he took it and his pack into the cabin and pixified his appearance. Ignoring his robe, he took a stick of candy, and exited the cabin.

No longer was he ignored. Sir Steve’s eyes bugged out at the bigxie’s modified appearance, then glazed over as he watched Manny suck on the candy. Gone was Sir Confident, as he stuttered responses to Maude, finally giving in to her demands that he take the dwarfs. Loading them into a cage on the back of his dragon, he soon was airborne.

Watching the dragon climb, Manny said, “A celibate order?”

“Yes.”

“Heheheheheh.”

“That wasn’t nice.”

Manny just grinned and shrugged, then he looked upwards again at a distant shout from Bossy. “I’ll get you, My Pretty. You, your witch, and your giant auroch too.”

Rolling his eyes, Manny asked, “So I never asked, how went your visit to Baronette Asudem?”

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked. Her snakes had just molted and their scales had this sparkling gold tint. It was almost a perfect match for that gold, silken bolt I showed you. I didn’t show you? Are you sure? Well I guess that isn’t important, just know that it was perfect. So I...”

The End (for now)