Blonde Joke Chapter Eleven by Jeffrey M. Mahr   What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like Hell. She’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

“Well now, shall we see what the daily opinion tally is today?” Maggie dropped a bundle of newspapers on the coffee table and dropped into a chair beside her sister. Katrina just lay unresponsively on the couch with a damp towel over her eyes and forehead. She hadn’t even changed out of the conservatively cut, dark blue skirt and suit jacket she had worn to court.

“Come on Kat, lighten up. You knew they were going to throw the kitchen sink at you.”

“Kitchen sink? They’re working on throwing Grand Coolie Dam at me. Did you know that today they tried to accuse me of having murdered Tom Brodsky, Dick Baldwin and Harry Walton? Our attornies tell me they’ve been lobbying local, state, and federal authorities to indict me.

“Yeah, it probably would have been a bit easier if Tommi were still around.”

“Thanks for the reminder, I needed that.” Katrina groaned and rolled over and burying her face in the couch.

“You’re welcome, Kat,” Maggie smiled brightly. “Isn’t that what little sisters are for?

“Are Karen and Barbie with Jack and Chang?”

A groan from the couch.

“I’ll take that as an affirmative,” Maggie sighed as she picked up the newspapers. “You’re a real downer today. If you won’t talk I’ll just sit here and read the newspapers. Let’s see ...

"Business Week says ‘the continuing nastiness between Katrina Isseksen and her former employer, GTI, bodes poorly for the quarterly earnings of both GTI and BioTronics, Isseksen’s new employer.’ Gee, should I sell my BioTronics stock?”

Another groan from the couch.

“Okay, next paper. USA Today says, ‘Today, lawyer’s for GTI and Brodsky Holdings Inc. announced the expected counter suits alleging violation of the non-competition clause of Dr. Isseksen’s contract and copyright infringement.’ Not bad for the second day of the trial. May I assume they also sought show cause orders?”

Yet another groan.

“Another affirmative. I’m batting a thousand today. With this kind of record I’ve just got to try another newspaper. Let’s see...”

Maggie sorted through the several remaining papers, “How about? Yes! National Enquirer, the perfect choice. They say...

“‘Genetic researcher Katrina Isseksen is planning a surprise witness, a genetic clone of Elvis she carried to gestation over the last year.’”

“What?!” Katrina was up and off the couch trying to rip the paper out of Maggie’s hands. “Let me see that!”

Maggie released the paper and laughed as Katrina almost lost her balance. Dropping to the floor by the coffee table Katrina rapidly leafed through the offending paper. “Where? Where is it? That can’t be true.”

Maggie just continued to laugh. Finally, taking a ragged breath she answered, “No, but I needed to get you out of that funk and the simple solution, getting you mad at me, wasn’t working, so I went for stupid. Thank god for supermarket rags. I was really beginning to worry about you.”

Katrina just sputtered in disbelief before throwing the paper at Maggie. “That was mean, little M&M.”

“But necessary. You know this is just the beginning. It will get worse and you need to concentrate on BioTronics, not this legal farce.”

“Yeah, I know.” Katrina stood and smoothed her skirt before sitting back down on the couch. “But those people are being unmitigated bastards. They’re lying, they’re...”

“They’re lawyers. And they’re not lying; they’re merely reinterpreting the truth. It’s what they’re paid to do.”

“But, but...” Katrina was sputtering now.

“But it’s really hard to accept and that’s why there are so many jokes that involve bad things happening to lawyers.” Maggie thought a moment. “Do you know what the problem is with lawyer jokes?

When Katrina shook her head, Maggie continued, “The lawyers don’t think they’re funny and, the rest of us don’t think they’re jokes.”

Katrina stared uncomprehending so Maggie tried again. “Why are lawyers like enemas?

Maggie continued without waiting for Katrina to answer. “You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.”

She glanced at her sister now frowning perplexedly. “A difficult crowd tonight. Okay. What is a criminal lawyer?

“Redundant.”

A slight smile wavered on Katrina’s face. “How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

“Depends on how thin you slice them.

“How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

“When you can’t fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

“Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?

“New Jersey had first pick.”

Katrina was trying to look angry but was finding it difficult.

“What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?

“Respect.

“Why did the lawyer cross the road?

“He saw a car accident on the other side.

“What do you call an honest lawyer?

“An impossibility.

“What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?

“Nothing; there are some things that even nature will not permit.”

Katrina smiled at that, but then bit her tongue and did a miserable job of looking angry.

“Oh come on Kat. Give it up already. You’re going to smile if I have to bury you in lawyer jokes. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

“His lips are moving.”

“All right already. I give.” Katrina smiled at last and Maggie cheered. Thinking a moment, Katrina realized that when she had relaxed enough to smile, it had been like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders.

“It’s about time, but your psychologist prescribes more. You tell one.”

“I don’t know any.”

“Hogwash! Tell me a lawyer joke or I’ll keep telling them. You know I can make you wet your pants if I get going, so give with the jokes.”

“Okay. Okay. I give. Let me think.” Katrina was silent for several moments speaking again only when she saw Maggie taking a breath in order to start again. “Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?”

“Professional courtesy,” Maggie answered first. “Good. Another.”

“What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

“Not enough sand,” Katrina said with a giggle, this time beating Maggie to the punch line.

“One or two more should be enough,” Karen decided. “How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

“Hell, you need two-hundred and fifty just to lobby for the research grant.”

“Excellent Kat,” Maggie acknowledged as she laughed along with Katrina now. One final one and I’ll let you rest.”

“What are lawyers good for?

“They make car salesmen look good.”

Both women fell back onto the couch laughing uncontrollably until Katrina’s eyes went wide and she bolted for the bathroom.

Maggie stopped laughing just long enough to shout after her, “Yeah! I knew I could still do it.” Then her eyes bugged out too and she ran for the other bathroom.

“My enemy’s enemy is my friend.”

“What? Go to sleep Harry.”

“I can’t, the beds in this RV are too narrow. I keep waking up feeling like I’m starting to fall out.” Dick croaked out as he shimmied back against the wall yet again.

“Fine, then at least tell me what you said.”

“I said I couldn’t sleep.”

“I mean before that,” Dick yawned.

“Oh. I said ‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend.’ It’s an old saying meaning the best person to go to when your enemy is winning is someone who also hates that same enemy. He may not like you, but if he likes your enemy even less, he may help you.”

“Feel free to answer me tomorrow when I’m awake, but that means what?”

“It means, Dick, that I’m driving us back to the city.”

“Now?”

“Now.” Harry started dressing.

“Do I have to get up also?”

“Nope; just leave the driving to me.” Dick was asleep before Harry could start the motor home.

“She looks trashy.”

Tommi, still groggy, stood leaning against the wall.

“Good. The Master should be happy for a few hours.”

“The slut can barely stand. Let’s put her on the bed and let her sleep it off.” With that, the first maid gave Tommi a not too gentle shove. They both laughed as she staggered toward the bed and fell face first on top of it.

“Let’s go.”

“One minute. Let’s at least roll her onto her back.”

“Why bother? The Master will probably want her lying on her stomach so he can ‘play’ with her.”

“Well, then at least let’s put her legs up on the bed.”

“Oh, all right.”