Blonde Joke Chapter Eight by Jeffrey M. Mahr   Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammers.

“A sting? Ooh, like the movie with Paul Newman and Robert Redford and with all that great honky-tonk music? Sounds like fun. Can I be Redford?”

“Funny, Tommi; very funny. Do you have a better idea?” Katrina beat out the others with her response but only by an instant.

“Yeah, do you have a better idea?” That from Maggie, already up from her seat and staring, hands on hips, at Tommi from less than a foot away. A fire danced gaily in the fireplace but the chill in the group’s loft apartment was growing more intense every minute.

Tommi sat calmly smiling back at Maggie and Katrina. Feeling the growing tension, Katrina stood to intervene between the two. “Give Tommi a chance Maggie. Maybe she does have a better idea.”
Finally Tommi spoke. “No. I don’t have a better idea...”

“Then why all the sarcasm?”

“Yeah?”

“...but I don’t want to let you go into this thinking it’s some romantic comedy. My father is a bitter, mean spirited, vindictive man. He is powerful and ruthless, or didn’t his treatment of Katrina and his only son, I mean ex-son,” she gestured to herself, “mean anything to you?”

The others were silent before this onslaught and Tommi paced back and forth as she continued. “If you want to do this, please go into it with your eyes wide open. Go into it knowing that my ex-father, Franklin Brodsky, will marshal his enormous resources to stop you. No, that’s not true. He won’t just try to stop you. He’ll try to destroy you, to crush you. And along with you, he’ll try to destroy your families, your friends, and anyone else who might, just might, get in his way. So understand, you’re about to enter into a war, a dirty, ugly, deadly war.”

She finally wound down and dropped into a seat away from the others with a huge sigh and wiped away the tears that had formed as she was speaking. Maggie slowly slid back into her chair also. The others said nothing while Katrina walked into the bedroom and returned with some facial tissues. Handing the tissues to Tommi, Katrina stood behind the still crying woman and gently rubbed her neck and shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s all right. We understand.”

Tommi looked up from daubing at her eyes to see the others nodding in agreement. She began crying again.

“Dick Baldwin and Harry Walton to see you, sir.”

“Show them in.”

“Yes sir.” Sandra Smalling looked up from the intercom. “This way, gentlemen.” She was much too competent an executive secretary to show any emotion as she watched the two men blanch at the thought of seeing Franklin Brodsky, of course the huge ornately carved oak door that opened like a yawning chasm or the maw of some gigantic beast did little to ease their tension. Sandra was expecting it as they both jumped and almost bolted out of the boss’ office when she closed the door behind them with its deep, solid, reverberating thud. Brodsky ignored them, instead staring at the picture of his wife and son on the credenza behind his desk until they were seated opposite his huge desk.

“Thank you Mrs. Smalling. That will be all.” Sandra turned on her heel and exited with out another word. The two visitors jumped again when she closed the door behind them a second time.
About ten minutes later, the intercom buzzed again. “Mrs. Smalling, please have Security show Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Walton out of the building.”

“Yes sir.” She dialed Security as she waited for the two men to exit the boss’ office.

“Please, have a seat gentleman. Security will be here in a moment.” They ignored her, or rather seemed too dazed to recognize that anyone else was there, let alone talking to them.

“Now what do we do?”

“I don’t know Harry. I think we’re in trouble.”

“I have a cousin in Canada.”

“Not far enough. Know anyone beyond Saturn.”

“No.”

“That’s okay; it might not be far enough away anyway.”

“So, now what do we do?”

The continuing display of cyclic logic was interrupted by the arrival of Security. Four burly guards stomped across the oak flooring in their jackboots to surround the two dazed men and bustle them away. Sandra just shook her head sadly as she watched them being led away.

“Renfrew!”

“Yes Master?”

“Have a car and driver ready at the front entrance in fifteen minutes.”

“Yes, Master. Any instructions for the driver?”

“Tell the driver I would like a brunette with long wavy hair and a red head, both with exceptional endowments.”

“Yes Master. Will there be anything else?”

“Yes. Have the playroom ready.”

“Certainly, Master. It will be ready for you at eight this evening. Will that be satisfactory?”

“Very good, Renfrew; and I’ll have dinner in half an hour. I want to clean up a bit first.”

“Certainly, Master Brodsky.”

“This place is really jumping tonight.” Even the dressing room was louder than usual and Barbie needed to yell for Maggie to hear her. “Where are the others?”

“Out in the pit mingling; they’re doing their best to drum up some money. Hand me that lipstick please.”

“The crimson or the primrose?”

“Crimson. It’s for work.” Maggie applied some to her lips and then a bit more to each areola.

“So, what do we do now?” This time the lament was muffled by Harry’s burger.

Dick put down his fast food soda cup before responding. “I don’t know, but we’ve got to do more than just ask each other ‘What are we going to do now?’”

“True, but I don’t have any brilliant ideas. It’s clear we can’t work in this country again.”

“Ah, Dick? Brodsky Holdings Inc. is a multinational company with ties and connections to who knows how many other multinationals. It may be easier to work out of the country, but not that much easier.”

“Great. So this crummy hamburger is going to be my last ‘good’ meal? Boy, are we in deep trouble.”

“I think we’ve established that beyond a shadow of a doubt.” Dick emphasized the last few words by pointing with his french fries. “We need to figure out what we can do.”

“I know. I know. I’m just stuck in a rut. I can’t believe taking a simple job as a research associate end up like this.”

“Yeah, yeah. What are our options? There must be options.” He took out a ballpoint pen and started scribbling on a napkin. “Let’s see. Negatives first.” Dick glanced up at Harry who was still shaking his head and muttering to himself. Admittedly it was an improvement over his earlier litany, but it still wasn't constructive action. Dick shook his head in frustration and returned to his fledgling list. “Negatives. This should be the easy part.

“One. No jobs and no job prospects.

“Two. Expect to be blackballed, probably worldwide. I wonder if this fine establishment is hiring?” Harry had stopped muttering and had begun looking about for a “Help Wanted” sign, a step closer to productive problems solving, but still not enough to be a useful participant.

“Three. Limited liquid resources, just a car, condo, some stocks, and savings. Hey Harry. You got a secret stash of millions so we can live the life of luxury without working anymore?”

“Nope. The best I can do is offer my motor home. It’s almost paid off. Maybe we could live cheaper using it?”

“All right Harry! Welcome back to the fray. Keep the ideas coming. We need them.” Dick’s smile seemed to help. “Where was I? Oh yeah, four. We can’t even talk about any of this without incriminating ourselves.”

“That was fun Dick.” Harry’s dower expression belied his words. “How about those positives?”

“I can do without the sarcasm.” Harry wilted a bit. “Let’s see, positives, positives. Damn.” Harry tossed his pen down. “What the hell are the positives?”

“Welcome to my world Dick. There are no positives. The only way we’re going to have a life is if we can find someone who won’t have anything to do with any aspect of Brodsky Holdings. Do you think Santa Claus is hiring?”

“No. Last I heard the elves had unionized. No one over three-foot six need apply. Plus, I think they get their raw plastics from one of Brodsky’s subsidiaries. Hey, are you going to eat those fries?”

“Tommi, Katrina. I’d like you to meet Jack Webster, Chang Wu, Archibald Goddard and William Henry Smith. Jack is CEO of BioTrionics, the most successful genetic bioengineering company after GTI. Chang is founder and Chairman of the Board of WuSoft. That’s the company that developed the security software that all the major credit card companies use. Archie runs the arbitrage division of Smith, Remington, and Browning Financial Services; Standard and Poor rates them the fourth largest financial services company in the world. Then, there’s Billy here.” Karen patted the bald head of the man on whose lap she was sitting. “Billy’s family runs First Manufacturer’s Trust, the twelfth largest bank in the U.S.A.”

“Karen’s been telling us that we should listen to a business proposal that you ladies would like to pitch. I think I speak for all of us when I point out that we did not come here because it was a climate well suited to closing business deals.” Archie winked at the other men. “However, if you’d like to come to my company suite at the Wheatsone Hotel after work tonight, I’m sure we can find something to discuss.”

Katrina looked at the other two women before snarling. “Come on ladies. These ‘gentlemen’ aren’t interested in advancing science.”

“True, but they might be interested in a thirty percent return on their money within one year, the rare opportunity to best Franklin Brodsky in a business transaction and some damn good sex.”

“Tommi!”

“What? It’s just business Katrina. I’m just setting the terms of our deal. Isn’t that right gentlemen?” They all eagerly nodded affirmatively.

“No you’re not. You’re selling your body like a–a common whore, Katrina was aghast, but Karen was watching the men intently, “and trying to take us with you.”

“Katrina, Katrina. How could you possibly think me as common when we’re talking five billion dollars? I think at those rates,” Tommi winked at the men, “I should at least be granted courtesan status.” Katrina stood mouth agape as Tommi plopped herself down on Wu’s lap with her right breast just inches from his face.

“So gentlemen, do we have something to discuss or shall we mosey over to Jefferson Daniels’ table?”
“That moneygrubber?” Webster seemed genuinely upset at the mention of the one tycoon they all despised more than Brodsky. “He’ll rob you blind.” Katrina merely raised one finely arched eyebrow and said nothing.

“Gentlemen,” Jack turned to the others. “I think Archie had the gem of an excellent idea. Let’s met tomorrow at two o’clock in Billy’s office to discuss your proposition.” Katrina glared and he continued, “Your business proposition, nothing more.”

Katrina was fit to be tied as she stormed back and forth in the Cravat’s dressing room. Only Maggie and Tommi were with her, the others were by the door keeping every one else out and incidentally avoiding the wrath of Hurricane Katrina.

“How dare you! Who gave you the right to try to turn us into whores? If I wanted to spend my life on my back, if any of us wanted to spend our lives like that, we would never have left this–this place. You are living with us, eating our food, using our clothes, even working here at our say so; and you would consider doing this to us? Maybe you really are the despicable excuse for a human being you presented yourself as at GenTech. If so, I need to inform you that some of us, some of us still have ethics. Some of us still have pride and self-worth. Some of us believe that we can accomplish great things as women without using sex as a bartering tool.”

Tommi had been sitting quietly, stoically accepting Katrina’s tirade until then, but the reminder of his lost gender was the last straw. Face a bright crimson, a combination of anger and embarrassment, Tommi stood and without a word turned to leave. Ignoring the others pleas and tugs at her blouse she walked out the door and out of the club.

“Now what do we do?” Maggie and the others were back at the apartment. Several hours of searching had been fruitless and Tommi was still missing. The feeling was one of shock and loss as evidenced by the way everyone was staring blankly away from everyone else. Each sat away from the others holding her arms tightly clutch about her waist as if to ward off the fall chill. Maggie had tears dribbling slowly down her cheeks.

“I don’t know.” Katrina’s voice cracked as she spoke. “I just don’t know.”

“I do.” It was Maggie. “I know what we’ll do, exactly as we planned.” You could see the glow of certainty creeping into her eyes as she spoke. “We’ll continue to do exactly as Tommi proposed, but we’ll also have to find someone who can find her. We need her. We need her brain, her creativity and her spontaneity.”

“Yeah, and we miss her.” Karen chimed in and the others nodded morosely.