Hells I was totally stuck, no phone, no ride, no one to help with the disguise, no friends. But enough was enough,...

The Mystery of
The Missing MacGuffin
A Jordan Hailey Story
By Jan S
Still More Chapters

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14: Reports

We trekked through the great caverns of commercialism. Groups of experienced adolescents meandered on the walkways; clots of younger ones milled in the aisles.

Theirs was a different world from mine now. When the MacGuffin was found missing, things had changed for me. My world, my life, my day was now dedicated to securing its return. There could be no normal days until then.

I had been in disguise for over eight hours now and, as I walked behind the core of my crew, it didn't seem I was going to get out of it anytime soon.

Some things had returned to normal, or at least usual.

Tracy hung onto Blair the way she used to -- since Blair looked more like a boy, that didn't draw as many stares as it had in the past.

Blair didn't spend all her time glaring at me, but she didn't let me forget she was angry either, and I still had no clue why.

I walked a few paces behind them, feeling like a third wheel. That wasn't unusual either, and it gave me a chance to think about the case.

When I left the house this morning, I winged it, but I still couldn't think of any better plan. I had hoped that, by talking to people involved, I would stumble upon something, clues. That didn't happen.

But the case had stumbled upon me. I looked behind me, and Bobby and the other kid were still trailing us.

Tracy either nibbled on Blair's ear, or whispered something into it. Blair turned and said, "C'mon, Jord, keep up."

I caught up and said, "Listen, don't call me Jordan - you know - when I'm in disguise. OK?"

Blair's eyes rolled; Tracy's face smiled, and she took my hand while keeping an arm around Blair. That didn't seem to upset Blair.

When we got to the sushi restaurant, Mr. Friend was in the line at the cash register. He was holding onto that police lieutenant as tightly as Tracy held onto Blair.

Tracy started giggling and said, "Ugh! Talk about a weird pair!"

Blair did a quick u-turn which pulled Tracy hand away from mine. Blair grabbed my arm to pull me along, and we went back the way we had come.

The about face had taken Bobby and the other boy by surprise, and we were walking right towards them. Tracy was glaring at them; I tried not to look at them.

The boy that wasn't Bobby said, "Wow, guy, how about letting some of it go around. Don't hog 'em all."

Blair was quick. She pulled both of us closer to her and said, "Yeah, like any of it would drip down to drips like you."

I yanked her arm and started walking faster. I saw Bobby push the other kid away from us too.

Tracy told Blair that they had been following us, and I admitted that one of them was the boy from the bus stop.

Blair took a deep breath and threw her shoulders back. She let Tracy and me go and walked towards the boys.

"Blair! - - Luke. Don't!" I said.

Tracy tried to hold onto her too, but Blair ignored us both. The boys also puffed up when she reached them.

They were out of earshot, but Blair had her arms across her chest and the others shrugged several times before crossing their arms. Blair pointed at Tracy and me, and then Bobby wagged his hands up by his shoulders, and they both backed away.

It was amazing! How could she have done that?

Blair was laughing out loud when she walked back to us.

I said, "Blair - Idiot - you want to get killed? You can't do things like that!"

She kept laughing. "I wasn't going to fight them, Jord. The first thing I told them is that I'm a pacifist. But when I told them you beat up a whole football team already today and were looking for more action, they had heard about that, and got worried."

"Damn it, Blair!"

"Jordan, you know boys don't mind getting beat as much as they mind coming in close with a girl. -- Then I begged them to keep following. I said I'd like to watch your crane kicks in that dress, but they would be in too much pain to enjoy all your beaver shots. That's what got them to leave. They didn't want to entertain me."

"You giant, huge, total asshole."

"Oh, calm down. You're the one that told me to be a boy. Just playing the part." She reached out to take my hand again, and I let her. "Com'on," she said, "your good bud, Friend, should be out of the sushi place by now, and I'll tell you all about the blowjob Jojo almost got last night."

"Who was going to do that?" Tracy asked, but Blair wouldn't answer until we had ordered our food. We had a booth at the back of the restaurant with Blair and Tracy on one bench and me on the other.

"It was two Northfield girls. All Northfield girls want Ferral boys. Didn't you know that?"

"Gugghh, yeah, like," I said.

Blair shrugged. "Anyway something major happened, and it ruined the whole thing."

I said, "He was just talking. No one at Northfield would do that."

"You're such an idiot, Jordan - I mean Hailey. There's a thousand kids there. Do you really think none of them give head? Have sex?"

"No one would do it to them!"

"Jord, you've never even had a class with anyone not in the top percentiles, have you? And high school jingoism is really lame."

"Look. I know a little bit about boys. More than you do, Blair -- Luke, and they were just talking. If a girl nods at them, they would swear she was ready to -- you know."

"I got that, Jord - Hailey." She smirked to show her condescension and her pride at using the right name. "But still there were some girls there with them at least talking, and making plans. Jojo and them were supposed to be working, and Pike started doing something with some kind of pole, moving his hand up and down it. Can you get the picture, Hailey?"

Now it was my turn to look exasperated.

"Well, you've led a sheltered life, I wasn't sure. Anyway, Jojo thought it was the funniest thing that anyone had ever done. And then something happened -- I think the pole hit someone -- that made the whole thing funnier, but then Jojo stopped talking about it. So it must have done some serious damage. If we find a Northfield girl with broken bones or bumps on her head, that will be the one."

I said, "I haven't heard about anyone."

Blair laughed, "You wouldn't have though, the story hasn't reached the honor society yet."

Tracy said, "I haven't either, but you two are the only people I've seen today."

I asked Tracy if she could think of any one who it might have been, and she shook her head. "Lots of people could have talked to them, Jorie. Not everyone thinks Ferral boys are a different species."

I frowned.

Blair said, "Well, these girls were at the country club with someone Pike knew, and something happened, and they all had to take off. That's all I've got for you, Chief Detective, sir."

Our food arrived, and I asked Blair if I could borrow her chopsticks. I had once made the assumption that Blair would never use them - that being too much of an Oriental thing -- so she had always carried a pair with her ever since. She didn't use them for sushi though, she said it was finger food, and I don't like using the freebie ones restaurants had.

When the waitress left, I said, "Maybe, what happened had something to do with the MacGuffin."

Blair shrugged. "Can't see how, but anyway, Kipperman is real pissed at them about it. But not pissed enough to fire them."

She made a grab for a piece of my dragon roll, and I stabbed at her hand with the chopsticks. She said, "You always get more than you eat, Hailey."

"Not my tail, jerk," I put a piece from the middle on her plate. "And I'd eat more if you didn't always steal half of mine."

"Na-uh. You never eat much. Now we all know it's because you're so worried about your sexy figure." She said it with a smirk.

I felt her shoe rubbing my calf. I don't know what was with that, and I pulled my legs up onto the bench. "Just shut the F up!" I said, "Maybe I buy extra for you."

Tracy said, "OK. So anyway I bet I can get Jojo to tell me more about what happened maybe. He'll probably be at the park later tonight. Do ya'll want to go there after the game?"

Neither Blair nor I answered her, but that wasn't because I thought it was a bad idea. As she usually does, Tracy took silence as agreement, and said, "But we should probably get going, it's almost eight. I'm going to be late."

Blair said, "I'll get a bus and see you there."

I didn't want to be hanging out at my school alone while Tracy was with the cheerleaders. I thought having someone around who was in on it made the disguise work better. "Why can't you just ride with us, Blair?"

"I don't want to be stuck behind the seat in that little car, Jordan. And I wouldn't be a gentleman if I made you sit there, would I?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'll sit in back, or we could just share a seat, Blair. It isn't far. I'll try not to contaminate you."

"You'd sit in my lap?"

"I don't care, or you can sit on mine, but I think I weigh less."

"Nah. That's OK. I always thought your male ego wouldn't let you sit on a girl's lap."

Tracy burst out laughing so loudly that people from other tables stared at us.

"Yeah. Guess that was really a dumb thing to think, huh?" Blair got another opportunity to sneer.

I started to say, "Fuck You!" but I couldn't get my voice to work. Instead I turned side ways on in the booth and pulled my knees up to my chin.

I heard Blair snort, then she whispered, or snarled, "Jordan, at least watch how you're sitting!"

I looked down and my feet were hiding everything, but I pushed my hem between my legs and held it in place with my thighs.

Tracy leaned forward across the table and said, "Jordie . . ."

I interrupted. "Call me Hailey, please, Trace."

"OK. Hail, you need to buy some new panties too before you change into those shorts."

Blair laughed some more.

I said, "I don't even know the right size. I just got some of my sister's that fit."

Blair said, "Yeah, he has them all separated into what fits, and loves trying them all on over and over rather than looking at the labels."

This time it wasn't hard to speak. "Shut the Fuck up!"

Tracy said, "C'mon. Don't guys. Here, let me look, Jor -- Hailey." She moved over to my side of the booth, and making sure she was blocking the view, lifted up my dress and looked at the label on the side of the patties."

Blair kept laughing.

I said, "What is your problem now?!"

"You two have gotten real close! You let her examine your privates now?"

Tracy reacted faster than I did. "She's my BFF, Blair. So leave her alone. And she is real nice to you too."

"How convenient, Jordan. And now you're going to change outfits so you can collect more best friends too. Gawd, you are Little-Miss-Popular-Little-Witch."

I pushed Tracy off the bench. "Blair. . ."

She interrupted me. "Call me Luke or Lou when I'm in disguise. Someone might think I'm a girl." And, of course, she smirked while she said it.

"Lou! I'm just doing this for the Macguffin." I reached into my purse and pulled out my wad of bills and threw them on the table. I thought it was about sixteen dollars, more than my share. "I know you don't give of Gee Dee about it, even though the cops are after you, so thanks for the info about Jojo. I bet it helps a frigging lot. I'll find another way to the school, or I'll just go home. Have some head."

I pushed the last piece of my eel towards her and walked out of the restaurant, fast.

Hells I was totally stuck, no phone, no ride, no one to help with the disguise, no friends. But enough was enough, and I didn't want to be around Blair any more. For about twenty minutes she had almost acted almost human. I guess that was her limit. A five year friendship screwed. What a waste! F-ing stupid Bitch

Did she really think I was dressed like this just for fun? Did she really think I liked it? And what was that to her if I did??

Then I saw that Bobby kid coming towards me again! Double SHIT I went down an escalator and at the bottom turned to see him getting onto it. I took a left and a right, and I was in the food court. I headed toward the bathroom corridor.

There were three women going into the lady's room, and I didn't want to follow them. I turned around; the creep was still behind me - in the hallway.

He kept coming towards me and said, "I'm supposed to tell . . ."

I swung my purse hard and fast right between his legs.

"UgAh . . .ack wants to talk to you. . . is all. aaaghh."

"Like I give a fuck?" He was bent over and I almost gave him a two handed chop on the back of his neck but decided he wasn't worth it.

Someone touched my shoulder. I jumped and spun around.

"Don't hit me!!" Tracy yelled, and took me in a hug.

I pushed her away. "I thought we talked about that, Trace."

"Girls can hug, Hailey!! And you neeeed it! And we're BFF's, right? Everything isn't always something else."

I shook my head and leaned into her arms.

"Didn't you learn not to go around alone earlier!?"

"I can take care of myself."

She giggled and said, "I can see that." Bobby was still bent over; we ignored him. "But we can't have you tearing up the whole town, can we?"

She led me into the food court and to a table at the back.

"Where's Blair?" I asked.

"I left her to pay the bill. She wanted to run after you too, but I stopped her. I barely saw you head down the escalator. You could have got lost, dumb duck."

"That was the idea. I'm really OK. Trace, don't abandon Blair. She's the one having a problem."

"Yeah, well I don't get that either. But don't go off alone, Jordan, really."

"Yes, mommy," I said; she slapped the top of my head. I saw Bobby come out of the corridor. He walked away from us as quickly as he could walk, which wasn't as quickly as he normally could.

"But you left Blair alone," I said.

"Yeah, I need to call her."

"Her phone's dead, remember?"

"Oh. We've got to find her. She's going to be near one of the bathrooms, and PO'd because she can't go in."

"How do you know that's where she'll be?"

"Because that's where girls go to cry! That's where you were going, isn't it?"

I hadn't even realized that that was where I was going the whole time, and it wasn't because I didn't want to be seen in there, but because I didn't want those women to offer help, that I'd turned around.

In spite of that realization, I said, "I wasn't crying, and I don't want to see her."

"Sure you weren't, Jorie." She started trying to lift my dress.

"Tracy! What!"

"I don't have any sleeves, girl. Just bend over some." She put her fingers on my face and showed me the wet makeup that had come off onto them.

"Well -- anyway, I don't want that on my new dress, do I?!"

"Will you stay right here? Not move? Don't run away."

I nodded.

"And not beat up any more boys?"

I let my shoulders droop in response.

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15: Lessons

I thought she was going to go look for Blair, but she just went over to the condiments rack to get some napkins. It didn't matter because Blair came into the court laden with all of our shopping bags, and she had two other people with her.

Tracy jogged over to her and stopped her from coming to my table. I felt really stupid, stuck in place, and knowing they, including the strangers, were all talking about me.

Then one of the new people looked over and waved, and I recognized Quinn, the clerk from the Hotz'n store. I waved back, and he and his friend came over.

"So, Hailey, I hear you're being a real drama queen today. Way to go, girl!" Q had a big smile and made that sound like it was a very good thing.

"I am not!"

"Lou told us you were. He was looking for someone to look in the women's rooms for you."

"She's the one that's having the issues, Q. Really."

Q's friend said, "Who? That girl? She's the only one not all distraught."

"No. Not her. Blair - Luke."

The stranger said, "You kids all have too, too many names. And too, too many pronouns too."

They weren't more than three or four years older than me. The new one's gender was even more obscure than Q's. That had seemed almost impossible before, but was even harder now because Q was wearing an ankle length skirt, a red satin choker with Wedgewood sort of cameo pin, and a baggy black band T along with blue eye shadow, lots of bangles, and long ear rings.

The other one just had on some bell bottom hip jeans with sequins on the seams and a bright red polo. The only jewelry she wore was a gold link bracelet and tiny ear studs, and she only had light eye makeup and pink lipstick. She also had a stud in her tongue, but I didn't see that until later.

Q had shoulder length brown hair in flat pony tail. The other one's hair was shorter, blonde, and had yellower tiger stripes painted into it that could only be seen close up.

Yet Q's friend looked more feminine than Q, and they both looked like they wanted everyone to wonder, rather than to automatically accept them as girls, but few would have risked embarrassment by asking.

Q said, "Dasein, this is my new bud, Hailey. And don't you give her any stuff, OK? Hailey, this is Dasein. Dasein doesn't believe in pronouns ever, by the way. Whichever you use for Dasein, Dasein will get mad at you." Then Q pretended to whisper and added, "I always, always use girl ones for her though. She is almost all girl always."

They took seats on both sides of me and Q said, "So, new buddy, what is all the drama, huh?"

"Long - long - long story! Right now it is just all the grief she's giving me about how I'm dressed."

"Some of that comes with the territory, girl. If they're not spitting and hitting, it's not as bad as it could be." Q was rubbing my back while she said that.

I leaned forward and put my hands over my face. "No! It's different. We've been friends for forever and it's just me -- not everyone. You know her, she doesn't hate you, right? Never mind. Forget it."

Dasein said, "OK. So, then why do you call Lou 'her'. Just look, that's a 'he', if you've got to use a pronoun."

"Nah, I talked her into going out like that."

"Then how come you get to do that? If someone wants to be a she, why do you get to force them to not be a she?"

I said, "It's not like that. She needs a disguise, and she always dresses like a guy anyway. OK?"

"If Blair wants to be a guy, then why did you say 'she'."

"Look -- it's, it's --. . ."

Q had been watching both of us intently, now he chuckled and said, "OK, Das, that's enough for lesson one. Hailey is still a raw recruit and now isn't a good time."

"That isn't what the problem is anyway," I said, "It's her that can't deal with me, nothing about how she's dressed."

Dasein rolled her head back and stared at the ceiling. Q was still stroking my back, and said, "Are you real sure Lou is a she? I know what you mean about the clothes, and I've known Lou for a while, but not inside his head."

"I've known her for forever. She always tries to look like a boy, but then wears jewelry and makeup and stuff. And get's mad if you say she is a boy."

Dasein said, "So why isn't she wearing any of that today?"

"I told you. She needs to be disguised, like I do. She doesn't have a hard time getting away with it. OK?"

Tracy had just come over, and she said, "She doesn't do it that well though, Jord. Even without the earrings and makeup, Jojo thought she was a trannie or something. Listen, I'm late. I really need to be at the stadium. Please, come with us. Please, Jordie."

I shook my head. "Not with Blair, Trace. I'll just take the bus. Go ahead. I'll see you there."

"Blair won't leave without you. And I'm not leaving you alone either, not when you're being followed. Please."

Q said, "You already have a stalker? It isn't someone who read you, is it?"

"No. Just some kid that saw me near your shop, and then showed up here. I think I've chased him off. It will be OK."

"I'll give you a ride. And you do need to stay in a group, girl. Don't take chances. There are people in the world who don't like you already."

I looked at Tracy, and she looked at me. I didn't know these weird people well enough to get in a car with them, but I didn't want to insult them. Tracy was thinking the same thing and didn't know what to say either.

Q read our minds. He said, "Blair knows me. Will you take her word that I'm OK?"

After talking to Blair, Tracy relayed her approval. She made me promise that I'd be at the scrimmage and go to the park with them. Then she gave me a peck on the mouth before she left.

Dasein said, "Maybe your new buddy isn't such a creep after all, Quinn. At least Hailey has friends."

I said, "Thanks a lot," but Das ignored me because the comment hadn't been made to me.

Q said, "Let's go and get you fixed up and hit the road." He stood me up and led me towards the restrooms.

I guess I was felling a little better, like I was back among friends again.

I headed for the lady's room though I wasn't sure it was the right place, but they went into one of the family restrooms.

Q said, "They pretend these are for handicapped and for mothers who don't want their kids in the men's room alone, but they really build them to keep us from freaking out the zombies."

That was obvious now. I said, "And a great place to change into super hero outfits too!"

"Absolutely!" Das said, "And we do have super powers, you know. So, Hailey, how long have you been dressing?"

This morning I hadn't known what that meant. I said, "I've only done it a few times. I don't much."

"Bull. When was the first time? And not just going out, hanging at home too."

"Does loving wearing my sister's princess costumes count."

"Depends on when you stopped."

"Eight - nine, maybe."

Dasein said, "Why did you stop? Why did you start again?"

I sighed and said, "I don't know. Really, I don't want to trick you into thinking I'm something I'm not. I don't really do this all the time. It's just a disguise for today, I always wear baggies and black Ts and baseball caps. The boy uniform."

Q said, "Alright just knock it off, Das. She doesn't need the inquisition from us."

"Oh, stop being so butch Q. I'm not asking Hailey about self image, just about costumes. I'd just like to know how Hailey feels about it.

"See why I almost use male pronouns for Q, Hailey?"

Q said, "I'm not being butch! I'm being a bitch. Knock it off. We don't have an enlistment interview."

"Can I ask Hailey about the reasons for the disguises and what the fight with Blair was about, Captain Q? Hailey, I'm not judging. I'm just curious. I won't ask if you're a girl or not. Those distinctions are bunk anyway."

"That was the question that Blair kept asking me over and over. Bitch."

Q was opening my purse to get my makeup, and I got it out for him. Das had taken a seat on the countertop next to the sink and sat with her ankle on her knee playing with the straps on her sandals.

Q said, "See, Hailey, if you're trying to pass, you will do fine with a lot less makeup than you had on this afternoon. Some gen-girls wear so much that people think they're boys trying to hide."

"Well, isn't that what I am?"

"I don't know, but you don't want to look like that's what you are. Or do you?"

Das said, "Do you really try to live as total boy, Hailey?"

"That wasn't one of the approved questions, Das."

"I do OK. I'm not that fem. No one looks at me and thinks, 'Is that a boy or a girl?'"

Das said, "But you could get them to wonder that with just a little bit of effort, you know!"

I chuckled. Q had a damp towel and started to wipe my face, and I tried to take the rag.

Q said, "Hey! Don't be so selfish that you turn down help. That's rude."

Das said, "Let it be, Hailey. Q's an artist."

I let Q wash my face. Then Q took some tweezers from his bag and aimed them at my eyebrows. I jumped back.

"Just a few," he said, and I gave in.

Das said, "You don't really mean you never get crap going about as a boy, do you?"

"Everyone gets crap. I do change for PE on the back row."

Q asked, "Are the AFZ signs still up?"

"Yeah." The story was that in ancient times someone had painted 'FZ' on the doors of some of the school's boy's rooms and on the wall of the back row of the locker room. They meant it to stand for 'fag zone', and to keep all those deemed weird from the other areas. Someone else added an 'A' to make it stand for 'asshole free zone'.

"Q claims he is the one who added the 'A'. It's his greatest exploit."

"Did both of you go to Northfield?"

"Yep," Q said, "don't worry, Hail, high school does end. I bet you haven't put any disinfectant on your new piercings yet, have you? By the way, I love that dress. You have my permission to wear it, even though it hides the work I did on you bellybutton."

"Ohhh. Tracy took my other clothes. I was supposed to change so this boy could see that."

Das said, "You have a boyfriend too?!"

"Not a boyfriend. Just a friend who's a boy."

"Just a friend-who's-a-boy that knows you dress and is interested in your navel. You kids sure have it easier than we did."

"I was interested in your bellybutton, Das."

"Hailey said it's a boy, Q."

"It's not really like that. Andy's only a friend."

Q said, "You're pushing her into things again, Das. OK, Hailey, do your mascara and one touch of blush on each side, but that is all I'll permit."

"We still haven't heard your excuse for going about dressed today, Hailey."

After I did my eyes, I said, "Have you heard about the MacGuffin?"

Das said, "Well, 'course. It's a big deal around here."

But neither of them had heard that the MacGuffin had been stolen. I told them the whole long story. When I was done Das said, "Hail, you don't really have any evidence that Kipperman took the MacGuffin. All you know is that he is trying to protect someone, and throwing the police off the track."

"Maybe, I guess. But it's my best lead."

"Have you thought of looking around in the shed at the country club?"

"But I saw him moving it this morning. I wish I had had time to look at the cop's computer for longer. Hey!" I had an inspiration, or a premonition. "Could you write something on the mirror for me, and don't tell me which one of you wrote it."

I told them the password the policeman had given me for his DayOS-X Makina and faced the wall. When I turned around it was written in lipstick. I added today's date and then wiped it off.

Q said, "You aren't a wiccan, are you? Are we caught in a spell now?"

"Not to worry," I said, "if it is, it's a good spell, and you're safe because I don't know who wrote it."

Das said, "I think the shed would be his best hiding place because, if it were found there, he could blame it on his peons. That's where I would have left it."

"It would be good to look around in there," I said, "but it's kept locked."

"And it has an alarm system too," Q said, "but there's a big hole in the back wall. One of the pieces of metal siding is loose, and his workers use it when he is late."

"How do you know?"

"Q used to work for the guy," Dasein said.

Q said, "And, believe me, I wouldn't mind seeing him busted."

"I heard he only hired jocks."

Das giggled.

Q said, "Well, yeah, I happen to have once been the best point guard the Northfield Vikings ever had."

"Yeah. They went eight and twelve under Q's leadership -- a really great dribbler - with a basketball, and with a water glass. The problem was both the forwards would jump ten feet backwards every time Q made a pass."

"Shut up, Das. You're being a bitch again," Q said.

"That does it, butchy-boss; I'm using boy pronouns for you from now on, Quentin." Das stuck out her tongue at him.

Q stuck his tongue out too and batted his eyes. It wasn't a very masculine response. "Like I would care," he said.

Someone jiggled the door handle, and Q said, "We better move out. Do either of you need to use the facilities? It will be a long time before we're near a private one again."

With a ton of emphasis on the 'he', Das said, "OH! HE's being all motherly! I'm good. Hailey can go into a girl's room without getting a glance, and you can just pee on a tree. Let us go then, you and I."

I said, "When the evening is spread out against the sky."

Das said, "See, the kids still learn things at that school, Q."

"I think Hailey is wicked smart, Das. We can't measure by her; think about my kid-sib."

I said, "I kind of am! But so are a lot of us in the next generation. So how old are you old betties? Eighty? Seventy?"

Q said, "I'm twenty; Das is still a teenager. It's not the years; it's the experiences."

"I'm humbled by your world weary wisdom." I tried to take Q's hand because that now seemed the normal way to walk through a mall, at least when in a dress, but Q yanked his arm away and began walking faster.

I thought I'd offended him, but when we were in the parking garage, and there were no others around, he put his arm across my shoulders. He said, "Hail, you're under eighteen, we're old folks. No contact in public. Some people like to make grief for freaks."

"And we wouldn't do well in jail," Das said, and she took my hand on the other side.

I said, "You guys aren't freaks!"

Q said, "The zombies don't know that."

Das said, "You call me a guy again, and I'll freak all over you!"

"Sorry."

Q said, "It's OK, Hailey. She won't really. She'll just pout for hours."

Das got into the back seat of Q's car with me, and said "OK. Now let's talk about your friend, Blair."

I groaned. Q said, "Let her be, Das."

"No. I have an insight into this. And if I'm right, Hailey will feel horrible about not realizing what's happening."

I said -- alright, I moaned it, "What is your insight?"

"Nope, we're doing this socratically. So when did this Blair start giving you grief?"

"Last night, when she was in my room."

"After you had been dressed at the park? And what else happened between the park and your room."

"Nothing." She just stared at me, so I added, "I had to ride in Tracy's lap on the way home. Tracy started flirting with me and kissed me when I got out, and that made Blair all jealous, I guess."

"You mean she has something with that girl, but the girl started flirting with you?"

"That's just what Tracy does, and Blair knows that. She also knows that I'm not after Trace. Plus I talked Tracy into stopping, and Blair just kept up her stuff."

"OK. Next, you say Blair always dresses in boy's clothes, but wears makeup and jewelry. Why does Blair do that, Hailey?"

"How could I know? She just likes the look."

"Does Blair envy male genderqueers and want to look like one? Or do you think maybe Blair wants to be trannie girl, a boy-to-girl trannie, but was born in a girl's body? All things are possible."

"I don't know!!" I was sort of moaning still, maybe whining by now.

"Is Blair really a girl or a fem-to-male?"

"She gets mad if you say that, but she always says that about others. I didn't used to think she had a thing about transsexuals, or how people dressed, 'til now. I don't still, except me."

"I don't think that's it. Umm. But you made Blair go out and try to pass as a boy, right?"

"I guess."

Q said, "Das..."

Das interrupted him. "No. This is important, Q."

"OK. Look, it's all because I asked her to go out as a boy, but she made me go out as a girl, and I haven't done that as much as she has. And she is mad about Tracy, but I don't think she is really gay, and Tracy says she isn't doing the things she wants, and that shows she isn't gay. But if she was wouldn't that make her mad at Trace, not me! And why is it my clothes she always attacks?"

Q got into the act now, even though he had tried to stop Dasein. "Slow down, girl. I can't keep up. She has a girl friend, but she isn't gay. And it is important to you that she isn't gay. You better figure out why that's important. Then she says she is all girl, but you think she wants to look like a boy, though she doesn't really try."

"She ties up her breast, and you said you thought she was a boy, Q."

"No I didn't, Hailey. There are female genderqueers, love. They aren't all F-to-M's. And I pick pronouns by presentation."

It was Das's turn. "And, Hailey, you say you don't get huge amounts of crap when you present as all boy."

"Not as much as some. I go to the AFZ's because I don't like the assholes. They make it uncomfortable but don't chase me out of the other rooms. But now with both ears pierced, I'll have to."

Q said, "Polish your nails, wear mascara and eyeliner now and then. You'll like the way it messes with their pointed little heads."

Das kept going. "And you get hit on by Blair's girlfriend and pick up a stalker as soon as you're dressed, and would have fooled me if Q hadn't told me about you. Are there other nice things about being a girl, Hailey?"

I didn't say anything; I just bit on my lip.

"But you say Blair always looks a like a boy."

"She could try not to so much. Tracy said she didn't do that well at passing as a boy."

Das said, "Geez-us, Hailey, have you looked in a mirror today? And you have a boyfriend, and could have a girlfriend, and can be a boy. I almost detest you, and I haven't been your friend for years. And then you go and tell her she looks like a boy too."

"I wasn't trying to be mean to her."

Q said, "We know that. Looks fuck with everyone. And, even when you don't think everything is black and white, like the zombies do, sometimes you miss some of the shades that exist in reality."

Das said, "And it's not all grays either! There are rainbows! Splendid spectra! Great blast of color everywhere! They think the world is achromatic. We've got to shock them into seeing all the colors!! -- Now cheer up. You're not evil, only a bit clueless, which is OK when you're new to something. I bet Blair can't explain anything either. Plus, Q'll get uber-pissed if you mess up your makeup again."

I smiled a little bit. We had just pulled into the parking lot at the stadium, and Q parked the car.

"Are we staying, Q?"

"I think it's almost over," I said. I hoped they would stay. Even dealing with Das's questions was better than watching football, and Blair would have a harder time being mean with them there.

Q said, "We might as well. Little-sib is going to call for a ride soon, and it's not like we have a life."

Das wasn't so worried about the zombies here because she took my hand as we walked across the parking lot,

I spotted Tracy's car - they were here, - and there were two red pick-ups in the lot too, one was right next to Andy's car. That didn't mean Kipperman was at the scrimmage, however. Even if both were his, he might have let some Northfield players use them like he did Jojo.

When we were halfway to the gate I said, "Das, so how do I make up to Blair for being me?"

Das said, "You don't, but seeing what's happening sometimes helps. For now just hang on and go for the ride."

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16: Games

Mr. Friend was standing by the gate, and for the first time in a while I became self-conscious about my dress. I kept smoothing it down until Q grabbed my free hand, so I was holding both his and Das's when I got to the gate.

Mr. Friend didn't seem bothered by my clothes at all. He had a huge grin on his face as I walked up. He said, "Hello, Jordan. Glad you made it."

Blair and Tracy are way too hard on him. He's never been anything but kind and cheerful to me.

I said, "Yeah. Sorry I'm so late. You wanted to tell me something?"

"Yes, but not right now. I'm real busy. It's nothing bad, really, but it's going to have to wait until the game is over, OK?"

"Sure. No problem."

"Good. You're riding home with Andy, aren't you? We can talk while he's getting changed."

He didn't wait for an answer, but turned to Q and Das and said, "You two can't come in. Sorry."

Das said, "But Mr. Friend, we're old alums, here to cheer the grand old Vikings to victory!"

"It's an intrasquad scrimmage. Only students, parents, and Vikings Boosters are allowed to watch. I don't imagine you are paid up athletic supporters."

Das said, "I'm certainly not!"

"Can we make sure Hailey's friends are here?" Q asked. "And I'm waiting for my sister, Mr. Friend."

"Wait in your car. He knows lots of people here, and he has a ride."

After Q and Das left, I went to the bleachers. Tracy was easy to find; she was on the sideline with the other cheerleaders. Even though they weren't doing any cheers, she was chained to the group by peer pressure and only waved when she heard me calling her. I saw Andy sitting on the bench too, but he was to far away for me to get his attention.

Blair was harder to find even though the stands were almost empty. I eventually saw her sitting in the upper part with two boys. When I got closer I recognized them as Jojo and Hancock. That was a shock for a lot of reasons, but she seemed to be doing fine talking to them. I guess they could have climbed the fence to get in, and I thought about reporting them for spying on our team, but they weren't actually watching anyway, and it didn't seem worth the added grief.

I sat down in the lower part of the bleachers. Some of the biggest, dumbest cretins in school were out there smashing into each other at full speed in about a hundred pounds of armor. It should have been more fun to watch than it was.

Less than five minutes later, a gang of boys move closer to me, and and I left. Such a pain! The one best thing about being a boy is being able to be out in public alone!

I was going to go to the girl's room and hide out, but when I was passing the snack bar I got another surprise, Sydney and Lori were running it, and they were wearing spirit club t-shirts. There weren't any people there, and as I passed Lori said, "So we meet again. You following us?"

"Nah, must be fate. You know - sorry to say it - but you don't seem the spirit club type."

Lori snickered, as I had suspected she would. Sydney said, "Just doing our part to be good citizens and active members of the school community."

"Oh. If you say so." Somehow that was worth a snicker too.

"So,why are you here if you go to Southlake, huh?" Lori asked.

I didn't think I had told them I went there -- or led them to think it -- I hadn't told anyone that, but I'd let that Bobby brat believe I did.

I said, "Meeting friends. Is that OK?"

"It's fine by us. Just asking is all."

"You haven't heard any more MacGuffin news, have you?"

"Umm-No. There do seem to be a lot of people looking though," Syd said.

"Oh? Who?"

"Some boys we know where talking about it."

I said, "I guess it is a big deal. You know what? I heard there was a girl that got hurt real badly last night too; a pole fell on her or something. Did you hear about it?"

Lori came as close to a real laugh as she ever did and said, "No. I heard about a boy who broke a window with his wang though."

I faked a laugh and tried to act interested. "Oh? Who did that?"

"It's a long story," Sydney said.

Lori said, "But not as long as the wang."

Sydney gave Lori a 'shut up' look.

"Oh yeah, sounds like a good story." I said.

Lori snickered. Sydney said, "Might tell it someday. You want a drink?"

I opened my bag, and remembered that I'd thrown all my cash onto the table at the restaurant.

Syd said, "Umm, not to worry." She handed me a cup of soda and told me to go over and get a fairly clean one from the trash barrel.

She stuck the dirty cup onto a stack behind the counter. "They just inventory the cups, you see. They can't really keep track of the liquid."

Lori said, "We save those for special people. We don't get paid or a tip jar. See?"

"I'll pay you back for the tip. Promise."

"No need," Sydney said, "We still got the cups for our take. Now an extra person will get a special cup."

I already knew not to mess with high school kids that work fast food, and I knew that Lori and Sydney weren't the most principled people around. There wasn't any way I was going to change that right now. But I knew they did have their own sort of standards and code.

I carried the drink to a table and sat on the empty patio listening to the crowd noise. I tried to think about the MacGuffin case or about anything besides the clothes I was wearing.

They were fine until I started thinking about Blair. Going out like this had been stupid. It had gotten me into the worse fight I'd ever had. It had gotten Andy's hand broken. It had drawn a pack of boys to tail me. It had ruined a friendship. I wished I'd just let the cops throw me in jail. I wished I could just rip the thing off.

But was Dasein really right about this? Blair was really cute. She tried not to look like a girl, or she would look great. She just always had had problems with girl's clothes and with me. She had to see that what I'd done today was necessary, didn't she?.

Still, what Das had said was an explanation; the only one I could think of. The second I saw Blair, I'd apologize for suggesting she go out as a boy, and I'd promise her I'd never, never dress again, and I'd tell her I was taking out all my new studs as soon as I got home too. It would show that I was trying. It wasn't worth losing her. Even though she was a bitch, it wasn't worth it.

Syd and Lori spent some time chuckling and snorting behind the counter, then Lori came over with a rag to wipe down the tables and said, "So, who you waiting for?"

"Blair and some other people. She's up in the stands with two boys I don't want to have to deal with. So I'll wait 'til after the game. I don't really like watching it."

"Me neither, too violent, you know. I saw her. She was with Jojo and Bill Hancock earlier. Is that who you don't want to see?

I nodded.

"Say, you aren't the girl they had the fight with, are you?"

I closed my eyes and nodded again. I didn't want fame for that.

"Hey, Sydney, this is who beat up Pike!"

"Hum, Interesting. I guess that explains a lot."

"It's wild. They're real mad at us right now too."

"Oh, what happened?" Talking to them was better than setting alone going over all my troubles.

Syd came out from behind the counter. "We were supposed to meet them with some booze. But the girl that sold it to us ripped us off."

Lori said, "She says it got swiped. But we got some of her stuff that we're keeping until she pays up."

"Oh," I said.

Mr. Friend came out of the tunnel from the grandstands and said, "OK. This thing is almost over. Let's get ready for the rush, girls. There aren't very many people here but get a dozen cups ready. -- Oh hi, Jordan. We will talk in a bit."

He went out the other side of the patio, towards the parking lot. Syd and Lori went behind the counter and started filling cups with ice.

There was a bang, then a roar from overhead. "Here they come," Lori yelled.

The eight cheerleaders charged into the snack area, leading the crowd. They lined up, and Lori and Syd handed each one a soft drink and took their money. I wondered which ones were getting the used cups, probably all of them. Most of the others customers were too old to be students.

When Tracy saw me, she ran over and yelled, "This is my new friend, Hailey, everyone!"

A lot of the girls waved or smiled and kept talking to each other. One came over and said, "Well she only looks half as weird as that person you found this summer, did you finally realize what Blair is?

Tracy said, "Oh, and what do you think Blair is, Heth?"

"Everyone knows she is a dyke, and we were starting to wonder about you."

I said, "Oh, and how do you know what Blair is?"

"Just look at her sometime!"

Tracy laughed and said, "Are you having those strange dreams again, Heather? Sorry, you're out of luck, you're not Blair's type."

Heather turned me and said, "Why would anyone do that to their hair? Are you one those good friends of Blair's too?"

Tracy said, "I love Hailey's hair! It's wonderful! Hailey, come on. She doesn't know anything about Blair, but everyone knows what Heather is."

Heather said, "Well, you keep staying around girl's like that, and Andy'll start wondering about you too, I bet."

"Heather, you're not Andy's type either. So, don't bother your little head about it."

Jojo came into the snack area. If he wasn't supposed to be at this game, it didn't worry him much. He said, "Hey, Tracey, I've got a message for you."

I turned to walk away, but he saw me and said, "Hey, wait. You Andy's new girl friend, aren't you! I want to tell you something too."

Just what I needed! Now the asshole had started a new problem.

Heather heard him. She squealed and said, "Andy has already dumped you! Ha! We knew he would sooner or later."

Tracy said, "Heather, I told you, you aren't Andy's type. Maybe, he didn't dump me, and we're a ménage á  trois, and you'll have to just keep dreaming."

"Eww, that's just gross! Jojo, come on. You don't need these creeps."

"Uhh, some other time, Heather. I'm in a hurry."

Once she was gone, Jojo said, "Hailey, right? Look, I'm sorry about this afternoon. We were being jerks on purpose, and it got out of hand. I really didn't want that to happen."

I hate it when assholes apologize. His words came no where close to making up for what had happened, but now I had to be conciliatory too. "I guess I overreacted, Jojo. Andy said I did."

"No you didn't. Who would think even Pike would have done that. I mean kicking you, not just the shit he did to Andy. I thought I could control him, but I can't any more. He will pay, Hailey. I promise."

"OK. -- umm -- Look, Jojo, if you want to make it up, could you tell me what you know about the MacGuffin. Some of my friends are in trouble about that, and they didn't do anything."

It isn't that I trusted him, but even his lies might give me something to go on, and if I had to act nice with him I thought that question could make him squirm a little but, if he squirmed at all, it didn't show.

"I really, really don't know anything about it. Look, all that talk was just to get under your and Andy's skin. And some people thought we took it too. I just hope they find it real soon."

"But you were at the club and something happened, right?"

"The only thing that happened was Pike again. He was farting around with one of the pruning poles while we were trimming a tree, and he broke a window. Then we got the hell out of there. That's all. We're all going to lose at least two week's wages.

"Listen, Hancock is waiting for me, and we need to catch someone before he leaves. Are you'll going to the park? I'll see you there, but that's really all I can tell you. We would help if we could. The thing with Andy's hand sucks huge."

"I might go there."

"'K. So, Tracy, that Luke guy wanted me to tell you, he's waiting at your car. He doesn't want to come down here for some reason."

I said, "He's super-pissed at me. I've made lots of enemies today."

"Not me you haven't, Hailey. Are you really Andy's new girl friend?

I said, "I don't know."

Then Tracy piped in, louder than necessary to make sure everyone heard her. "Yes, she is! And I can't even hold it against Andy. Look at what I lost out to! I love her even though she stole me boyfriend."

Jojo said, "So, Tracy, you really are free now."

"It looks like it for a little while, Joe. But I don't want to start something on the rebound. OK? It wouldn't work, even though you aren't so bad."

He laughed. "Wow! Such praise, I'll remember it always, Trace. You must be something, Hailey. If you get tired of Andy, we'll talk, OK?"

I laughed - OK, it sounded like a giggle - but didn't answer. After he left, Tracy said, "See, I told you he wasn't horrible, just real full of himself like most boys and all jocks."

"Trace, why did you tell people I'm going with Andy? I can't hang out at school like this."

"Jorie, you and Andy deserve the chance. It doesn't have to be for long. If I'm back with Andy in a month, no one will think twice about it. You can go to a couple of dances with him. Don't you want to do that?"

"Oh, Tracy. I don't know."

I didn't know! I liked being with Andy now, but I didn't want to be that kind of friend with Andy at all, but he couldn't be seen with me as my regular self, and --And I had decided not to go out dressed ever again because of Blair. But. -- But, anyway, that was a minor problem compared to the others I had. I could just disappear, and it wouldn't be hard for Andy to explain that.

"I need to get changed," Tracy said. "Do you want to ride with us? I'll get Blair to cool her little jets."

"No, I've got to wait for my new boyfriend you told everyone about, don't I? And I still haven't talked to Mr. Friend. But tell Blair that I'm sorry for asking her to go out like a boy, and that I'm never going to wear clothes like these again."

"No, Jorie!"

"It's not that important, Trace. Can't we be girl friends, even when I dress like a boy?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course we can! But - OK - it's for Blair, isn't it? I'll tell her you said that."

The second there was no one in line, Lori pulled the shutters down on the snack bar. Four minuets later they were on their way out, and the patio was abandoned. I went to look for Mr. Friend.

I saw him standing next to Jojo's pick-up so I waited at the gate. He must have been reading them the riot act, because it took a long time. Then he went and talked to a cop sitting in a cruiser at the back of the lot, and to a second one sitting in a car on the street near the exit. I guess at a real game they would have been busy with crowd and traffic control, but tonight they had nothing to do.

He came past me almost trotting and, without stopping, he said, "Not yet, Jordan. I have to check on the snack bar. Look for me there in five or ten minutes, and you better make sure you don't miss Andy."

I went over to the locker room door. There were nine girls waiting for boys on the team, four of them were cheerleaders, including Heather, and as soon as she saw me she said, "There she is. That's the girl that Andy dumped Tracy for!"

I just stopped; I didn't know what to expect, but it seemed like Heather expected the others to stone me or something. Instead there was a chorus of hi's and three girls, two of whom knew me in my other clothes, told me their names.

I said, "Hi. I'm Hailey," and that was all the time I had before the locker room door burst open and the boys poured out, and I was being introduced to the players.

Andy came out in the middle of a big crowd, and one of the boys said, "Andy, why didn't you tell us you had some new puttie! -- Just kidding! Just kidding!"

Andy looked shocked, then he saw me and looked happy. "Get some couth, Thompson. And I've had other things on my mind tonight. You know - Football! Now, I have time for other things though."

He put his arms around me and kissed me on my mouth. I knew I had to let him to keep up the act. He didn't try to french me though, though some of the boys had their girl friends. He whispered, "I've wanted to do that so long!" And act or no act, I hit him on top of his head and pushed him away. That backfired. It gave him a smile, and got me a cheer.

One of the boys said, "But she's from Southlake, Andy. We might need to look into your loyalty to the Vikings."

Andy said, "Does Southlake have a football team? I don't think so."

I said, "They do too!"

Which got eight yells of, "They suck," and three shouts of their last year's record.

A boy said, "Southie girls are great for doing your homework though."

One of the cheerleaders, who was hanging on to the running back's arm, said, "Well, we think you're a traitor still, Andy. And we all hate you!" Then she semi-whispered to me, "We won't take it out on you though, you lucky witch. Lunch sometime, OK?"

"'K, I just got a new phone. I'll give you the number next time." Like there would ever be one. I was tugging on Andy's arm; I didn't know how long I could keep this up.

Andy said, "Bye all, Hailey is kind of shy, and wants to see me alone."

"Whoooooo!" said at least one voice in each of the five octaves.

"And I think we all did pretty good tonight, no matter what Coach says."

A few people said, "Thanks, Andy, See ya'." One said, "Don't do any thing I wouldn't do, if you can think of something like that." Another said, "Don't do anything I would do!"

I was pulling Andy towards the snack bar, and he said, "Where are we going, and how the hell did that happen?? Not that I mind."

"I still haven't talked to Mr. Friend yet, and I don't know. That Jojo said something stupid in front of Heather, and then Tracy wanted to burn her, so she said it was true. What are we going to do, Andy? We can't really keep this up. I'll get spotted. And more important!! How's your hand?"

His right arm was on my shoulder, and I started stroking his hand. It only had a splint on two fingers and an Ace bandage.

"It's real stiff and kind of sore a bit, but not terrible. That feels great! Keep rubbing it like that! And, Hail, I think we can work this for a while, if you want to."

I knocked on the snack bar door, but there was no answer, Mr. Friend had already left.

"Andy, I don't want that kind of thing with you. Really. I don't."

"I know, Hailey. It will just be pretend. Hail, do you really think that because I'm gay, all I'm interested in is getting it off. I just like having you around."

"And kissing me. And getting your hands on my things. And it's not because you're gay I think that's all you want, it's because you're a jock that I think that."

We walked back to the parking lot to look for Mr. Friend. He was standing in the middle of it watching the player's cars leave. The cops were doing the same thing from inside their cars.

Andy said, "The touching there thing was just a joke, Hail. I'm sorry, and you notice I stopped when you got nicer. Kissing is nice, and maybe you didn't notice, but you kissed me back."

"Andy!" I said -- then I stopped. I knew I did kiss him. Finally I managed to say, "How do you know you're gay?"

He laughed. "What I dream about even when I try to dream about something else."

He waited for a response, but I couldn't think of one.

He kissed my forehead and said, "I'm patient, Jordan, and I won't hate you if you dreams wind up being something else. Friends?"

I got on my toes and kissed him on the lips -- the way Tracy kissed mine now that she had stopped trying to lick my epiglottis. It was an impulse, and nothing terrible to do; he is nice.

Mr. Friend finally saw us and waved. He started walking our way, and waved to the cop on the street. Half way across the lot, he stopped and answered his cell phone. He was still talking when he reached us and sounded worried and angry.

Into the phone he said, "Just a minute." Then to me, he said, "Jordan, I'm sorry I've been so busy. The first half was better, but the other teacher left, and I had to do everything. At games we have at least five here. Here's the thing, there is an extra spot in Ms Wiggin's English Lit class. I wondered if you would be interested. You'd have to change sections of physics but could still do that as an AP."

"Yes. Yes. I want to do it!"

He smiled. "That would be your fifth advanced placement or honors course, Hailey. That is a lot of work, and we don't let many juniors do that. You might want to take physics or bio as regular classes. You need to discuss it with your parents and we can go over it later."

"Oh, they will be fine. Happy even, Mr. Friend."

"OK. Are you going to be at school on Monday? I need to hurry; this call is something of a semi-emergency."

I said, "Yes. I'm supposed to help with freshman orientation, and watch for future honor society officers for Marlo."

"Great. We will talk then then," he said and disappeared under the stands.

I must have had a giant smile. Andy took my hand with his good one and moved it up and down to make me jump. I did a few times and yelled, "YAY!" Something really good had finally happened today!

Andy said, "You are nuts! You want all that extra work?"

"Oh, like you don't put out stupid amounts of effort for things. And it means the he and the teachers really think a lot of me too, and that means good recommendations to colleges next year too, and. . ."

The lot was empty now and I bounced sideways while holding on to his arm as we went to his car. I was that happy!

He said, "Jump even higher, Jord!"

"Now you're just trying to make my dress fly up, aren't you?!"

"Me? Hadn't even thought of that."

I laughed and hugged his arm.

"But, hey, you did tell me I would see your navel tonight."

We were beside his car now, and I said, "Sorry, I had something to show it off but didn't get to change."

"Well show me anyway," he said, and started trying to pull my hem up.

I slapped his hand away and wrapped my arms around him so he would stop trying. I said, "Some other time. OK?"

He pecked me on the lips, and I sighed.

Once we were inside the car, he stroked my shoulder with his only unwrapped right finger and said, "Jord, you know how jocks can tell when someone is serious about a girl? It's always a girl; we never talk about our boyfriends in the locker room."

I shook my head.

"When someone doesn't talk about hosing a girl that's when it means something, and we know we better not make any jokes about her."

He put the car in reverse and, I said, "Hosing!?"

"Yeah," he said as we rolled across the parking lot, "Hosing, bonking, womping, getting puet, putting it in the pink. You want to hear some more?"

I was laughing and shaking my head.

When he stopped before turning onto the street, there was a loud siren blast. The police car jumped forward to block the exit. The other one was right behind us with its lights flashing. The policeman got out of the front car with his hand on his gun. The PA from the car behind us yelled, "Out of the car! Keep your hands where we can see them!"

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Thank you, Kristina and Daphne, for all the comma wrangling, homophone spotting, advice and support. (I've edited a bit since they saw it, and have probably added more errors. Everyone, the mistakes are not their fault!)

Also, thank you to all those who have read and/or commented. You're the ones that nourish the muse.