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Caitlin gets some things off her chest and begins the process of getting some help. But things are never really that easy for her...right?
By
poetheather
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. There should be no way that these characters are like anyone else, but if that isn’t the case, it has definitely been unintentional. Also, if you happen to find that your life is represented in these pages, I’ll be impressed.
“You must be Caitlin, pleased to meet you. My name is Doctor Wallace.”
I smiled at her nervously. I was actually here at a shrink’s office. My heart was beating like a mile a minute. Meredith squeezed my hand in support and that helped me calm down some. “Pleased to meet you.”
“I was told you needed to see someone about some gender issues. Do you really think that becoming a man will make you feel better?”
I couldn’t help myself as I just started laughing. Meredith started in at that point as I was laughing like I had heard the funniest thing in the world. She was trying to explain the basics of the situation and I was trying to stop laughing. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. For some reason the whole idea of me pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy was just too much.
I finally wiped the tears from my eyes and sighed, all laughed out for the moment. Dr. Wallace smiled at me. “So I see you have managed to get yourself into a bit of a fix.”
“Yeah, I did. But I actually kind of like it. I like the girls I am hanging out with and I don’t want to lose them as friends.” I admitted.
“Why would you lose them as friends if you went back to being a boy?” It was a valid question and one that had run through my mind before.
“Well, first off, I had very few friends when I was Richard. I mean, no one liked to hang out with me and I was pretty much a loner. Secondly, if I let those other girls in on the secret I would probably get beat up or something. I hate the lying but the alternative might be worse.” It was something I was worried about.
“So you are doing this because you now have friends?” The doctor asked in clarification.
“I think it is a valid reason. I mean I had one friend through high school and that was it. A lot of people knew me but no one really wanted to be my friend. It sucked. And now dressed like this I have a bunch of friends. It’s incredible. I really love it.”
“But are they your friends or Caitlin’s?”
“Uhm…” I had to think about that. Were they still my friends if I were dressed this way? Alley seemed to be my friend and she knew. All the girls in the House knew. The only friends I had who were Caitlin’s exclusively were the other girls in the pledge class. “Most of them are my friends, which I know is a bit weird. I’m not acting like anyone but myself. I am wearing different clothes but who I am at the end of the day is the same.”
“Okay. That is pretty good. But what about your whole feeling like you’re not sure who you are anymore? And the panic attacks?” she asked me, arching an eyebrow.
“I guess I’m still trying to get used to living a girl’s life. Half of my mind is okay with it, the other half is freaking out, and I have a lot of cognitive dissonance over this whole thing that is making me absolutely crazy. I just want to find some way to get past all of this stress and tension I am feeling because of this. I gave my word to do this and I plan on sticking to that. I just want to be able to relax over it. I’m tired of stressing out over this particular topic.” That really was all I wanted, just to be able to relax over all of this. Was that really such a difficult prospect?
“Have you thought abut the reason that you are probably having this cognitive dissonance is that you are living a lie?”
“How is this a lie? I am still me, just in different clothes.” I countered.
“But with make up, a different hair cut and different social roles that you are expected to conform to. Maybe these things are what are causing you so many problems?”
That make me pause and think some more. Was what I was doing making my life so crazy? I knew I didn’t have to follow through with this and medical reasons would be a good reason to quit but it just didn’t feel right. “Dr. Wallace, my dad taught me that men and women weren’t really all that different, that a lot of things came down to how they were treated by others and what others expected of them. There is nothing in that which states that they choose to act differently, but society experts them to act different. I think that is pretty damn stupid. I have chosen to walk a mile in women’s shoes, to experience what they experience. I don’t like people being treated unfairly and if this helps me better understand what they are going through than why not do it?”
It was her turn to sit there and think, which I was fine with. “It is admirable to get to know how other people live and especially if you believe in equality. Now, do you really think you are living a girl’s life?”
I shrugged. “It’s about as close as I can get without surgery and hormones.”
“And you don’t want those?”
“Christ no. I am doing this because I said I would and that’s it. I don’t really want to be a girl, but for now this is my life. I’m okay with that.” And the sad thing is that I am okay with all of this. “I just want to find a way to come to better term with this and to find some better ways to relax.”
“I think I can help you there. At this point I don’t think you need any medication but I have a number of suggestions as to what might help. Do you exercise?”
“Yes. I do aerobics and some yoga.”
“Good. That’s an easy stress relief plan right there. What about meditation?”
“Uhm…no, but I do know someone who can teach me.” Knowing a Buddhist was a good thing at this moment.
“Have you thought about doing something like knitting?” she asked.
Knitting? Like making things out of string? That could be a stress reliever? Really? “I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“Well, it is a traditionally feminine hobby and you often end up with thinks you can keep or give to people. However, painting, writing, all sorts of arts can help you keep your stress levels down. So you might want to think about starting something like that.”
“I think I’ll look into that. Thanks.”
“It’s what I’m here for. Now for a while I think I need to see you weekly, in order to make sure you are adjusting to things well. If after a month or so these things haven’t helped I may need to put you on something to calm you down. Okay?” she said.
I nodded my head. That sounded workable. “Sure Dr. Wallace. I think I can live with that.”
“Okay. So does this time work for you?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Good. Than I will see you next week at this same time. Take care Caitlin.”
“You too Doctor.” As I left I was feeling better. Her questions had given me something to focus on and helped me to get a different perspective on this whole thing. I was really hoping that it would help me feel better in the long run.
“So was that good for you?” asked Meredith.
“Surprisingly, yes. I think she just might be able to help me cope with these things.” I replied, feeling about fifty pounds lighter.
“Good. A lot of us have been worried about you over this. So long as you feel better and are okay with things I for one will be relieved.”
“Well, I do feel better. Let’s go get some coffee. I want a break before I get to work on homework.”
The two of us stopped by a local coffee place, Morgan’s, and got a couple of Mochas. One thing I do love about being a girl is that I can drink whatever I want and I won’t be judged by it. I’ve seen guys getting looked at funny for ordering mochas so being able to order one without getting stared at was a good thing. It wasn’t fair but not everything is better in skirts, so I guess it balances out.
While we were there, I spotted Esperanza. We hustled over to where she was sitting drinking tea. “Hey there.”
“Good afternoon. How are you guys doing?”
“Not too bad. I saw you and wanted to come over and say Hi. That and I had a question for you.”
“What?” she asked, cocking her head to the side some.
“Well…can you teach me how to meditate?” I could feel myself blushing as I asked that.
“Sure. That would be no problem. We can do that tonight after the study session.”
“Great. I am looking forward to that. I’m hoping that it might help me destress.”
She laughed. “Yeah, it is good for that. I always feel nice and relaxed afterwards. It can’t hurt things, you know.”
I was sure it could only help me at this point.
To Be Continued...
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Comments
Whoohooo!
another chapter of Sorority boy!!!
As always an enjoyable read. perhaps a bit short, but enjoyable and much needed.
Thanks Heather
a big fan,
A.A.
No Problem
No problem. Other stories have kept me busy the last few months but I did want to get more of her adventures down for everyone. And though it may be short it is important stuff.
I'm glad you like it.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
Nice
I was glad to see another update to this story. It's good that Caitlin's getting help getting herself centered.
Great Story
I have really enjoyed this story. I am glad to see another episode up. Keep up the good work.
Hilltopper
Long Wait, Gratefully Received
Hey! It's nice to see another chapter. I haven't forgotten this story. :)
I like this chapter and I like Doctor Wallace. She's a keeper. I hear that there are good therapists out there but I have yet to meet one. *sigh*
Thanks and please don't wait too long to turn out the next chapter.
- Terry
Well, the reason that things
Well, the reason that things have been put on hold for so long is almost over. That story is nearly finished and I can get several more chapters of SB done pretty quick. At least that is the hope.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
Really?
Yay!! :-D
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
That Doctor Is Silly!
But fun! Nice to see Caitlin and company again. Heather, just what misadventures do you have in store for her? Is she anywhere near Aunt Jane in New England?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
A lot of good things for Caitlin I think but
... it also seems to take a bunch of things off the table too though. There does not seem to be a transition goal ( no more will she or wouldn't she ) and there is no cause celeb to participate in at this point. There is the pontification of 'there is no real difference between men and women' shtick but being TS I KNOW there is a difference. Gender rights ?
So are we going to have a meandering tale following Caitlin's adventures as a 'wolf in sheep's clothing' so to speak, experiencing a different world ?
I still like Caitlin the person a lot. Caitlin did not start out as transgendered so it is understandable what he/she feels but her state of mind will influence the storyline heavily and its interest.
Kim
While it looks like some
While it looks like some things have been taken off of the table, you know therapists tend to revisit things that you deny almost as much as those you profess. First times with therapists tend to be mostly bluster anyway. No doc I know of takes the first session as the truth.
Caitlin still has no clue what is going on and is stating things for herself as much as for the shrink. Just wait...there is more tinkering in her head to come.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
Heather
We are the change that will save the world.
the layers of the onion
This continues to be one of my favorite series here, partly because Caitlin isn't your standard ts heroine but doing this as an anthropological adventure. Or is she? Is all this stress the surface manifestations of that battle with denial that some of us take decades to get to the root of? However this goes, I'm sure it'll be a neat journey for us fans of the series. I've liked Alison since the character was introduced, but I'm liking her even more now...
~~~hugs, Laika
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
It IS a very good thing...
...that Caitlin/Richard is starting to see someone. Even if the person isn't someone you want to be a friend or anything, so long as they are outside the issue, and able to be safe about it, without an intrusive agenda, and at the very least not dismissive of the issues. In other words, a professional. Venting helps!
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
Richard/Caitlyn has never been
the out of box anything transgender. The authoress has painted this about her from the beginning. What we have is a BOY whose body belies the fact. he is so passable & takes to things girl like that many have forgotten that Richard is only dressing up because he feels a moral obligation to honor his word (something many in real life have no concept of anymore it seems) the problem with imersion into any doctrine or in this case gender idenity. is often it conflicts with the origional programming in person.
I'll try an example. US Marines VS me. I joined because it was simply the best way I thought I could get of where I was and start a new life. I really hadn't thought about the consequences of what I really was getting myself into. The only way I survived was I wasnt a quitter & fact, I managed to get into profession I turned out to be really good at & thruout my career was simular... I wasnt the rugged lean mean greeen machine of the infantry and if i'd been in the position more than a few weeks of boot camp I'd surely been broken & kicked out as most thought i would have have.
Now let's look at Richard/ Caitlyn - Richard started into this wanting just to show that he could join something that wasnt necessarily meant to be elitist, but to allow one particular group to bond together w/o interference from another ... AKA - a safe haven / place from where one could be themselves w/o harrassment. Richard ends up joining on conditions he look,act, and generally be like his peers. Richard is a MALE, he is taught some basic skills to look like a woman, taught some things that we stereotype women as typically do in a peer presure society we created. during this imersion into training Richard looses some of his idenity to the woman we know as Caitlyn. Unfortunately Caitlyn is better suited to Richards body, and personality. This causes the conflict that causes Richard the male the most stress. He believes the caitlyn is gonna overtake richard the male and thus no more richard.
we as transgender, and TS in particular prob. would love this scenero, particularly the older we were when starting transition. Loosing Jack & becoming Janelle was one of the hardest things I ever did, because I had such a long history as one VS the other. that merger had to happen for transition to occur effectively.
for the storyline charactor tho. richard is just trying to survive a PROMISE MADE IS A HONOR BOUND THING. he's trying to survive something he's not suited for and discovers that he's more suited as Caitlyn than perhaps as Richard and that where the stress comes from while he discovers Caitlyn is slowly taking over everything in his life & he is vanquished to but a memory.
Made me laugh
Do you really think that becoming a man will make you feel better? I love it!
Happy