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Part 4

After I started up the Beetle I just sat there. Chloe was sitting in the passenger seat trying to make herself as small as possible. I know she was waiting on me to blow up or something. But the thing is, she was right. I am a boy. No amount of make up, hair styling, toenail painting, or skirt wearing was going to change that. I was a boy.

So unless I wanted to cruise the gay bars, well cruise in front of the gay bars, I was likely to be alone this school year. No dating, no kisses, no making out on the couch, no hand holding as we walked down the street.

"Cas, don't cry. I'm sorry I said what I said."

I reached up and wiped at my cheek. I hadn't cried in a long time. Even when Gramps died I was more panicked than anything else. By the time it was all over with I was more numb than anything else. The numbness that comes from realizing that you are all by yourself in the world. The last time I actually remember crying was when I woke up from a nightmare, after my parents had been murdered, and Gramps was holding me telling me to let it all out.

I remember that was the first time that Gramps said, The past is the past.

Now I'm crying because I can't be a real girl and seriously date anyone. I'm crying because I will still be alone in a school of almost 2500 teenagers.

I wiped my tears away, along with, I'm sure, half my make up, and put the car in gear. Chloe was silent the entire way to her house where I dropped her off. She apologized again, but I ignored her and drove off, back to the house.

Upon arrival I stripped off my outfit, down to the skin and tossed it in the trash, went upstairs and took off the nail polish, washed my face and got into bed. I lay there in questioning wonder at how I had gotten this far. What was I thinking? I was smarter than this. I should have seen the consequences of what I was doing. Why was I blubbering like a little girl.

~O~

I don't remember falling asleep, but when I woke up it was night. The red light from my clock read 11:32. I got up and went to my real room. Pulling on a pair of my boy underwear, and my boy jeans, and my boy t-shirt I stood there in front of my dresser mirror and looked at myself.

The hair cut and thin eyebrows still screamed young female, no matter what my clothes masked over.

I closed my eyes and rubbed them. The crust of dried tears broke away and fell.

After taking a cleansing breath I went and retrieved the stylist's business card and set it by the downstairs phone, to have ready, so I could make an appointment to get my hair cut back to a boy's style. There was nothing to do about my eyebrows except let them grow back out.

So that meant secluding myself in the house for the next few weeks, or however long it took. I'd email everyone and tell them I'm dropping out. No need to tutor anyone if I'm not going to school, right?

~O~

Inbox: 75 New Emails

After a quick scan I pulled up the one from Ted to see how the hospital went.

Hey, Casidhe. The hand's not broken, but it feels like it is. I'm on an anti-inflammatory med and a little codeine for the pain, so I'm feeling pretty good right now. Mom, was pissed, but kind of not. It was weird. Dad is all smiles for some reason. He came into my room to lay down the law for my mom, but we just sat there while I told him about what happened today.

I told him about this morning in Homeroom, and what you said and then what happened at lunch. I guess I wasn't supposed to see him smiling out of the corner of my eye, but he was.

By the way, he wants to meet you. Maybe, if you want, you can come over to pick me up on Sunday and see him. If you don't that's cool too. I can have him drop me off. Maybe you can wave at him or something.

Anyway, I meant what I said before. About you being amazing. You are at school for two days and have brought down the class bully and inspired me to actually stand up for something. You are obviously smarter than anyone in our class, and you have a presence about you that, well, I can tell you are a good person.

I don't see good people all that much. Everyone is mostly out for their own best interests. You're not like them. You seem to actually care. Yeah, I know I'm all exposing my feelings here, but I can blame the meds. I'm sure I'll be panicking in the morning when I reread what I wrote. LOL

I better go now before I say something really stupid. See you Sunday. Write me if you get a chance.

Ted

Ted, you poor bastard, you're in love with a boy that dresses up like a girl. How would your dad feel about that, hmm?

I heard my Blackberry ringing off in the distance. I was tempted to ignore it, but I have a thing that I have to know who called. You never knew. It could be Angelina Jolie, hey, you don't know. It could happen.

It was Chloe, and apparently I had missed her calling five previous times. I sighed and hit the call back button. It didn't even ring once.

"Cas?"

"Hey."

"I'm really sorry."

"You were right… you are right."

"I still could have said it better than that."

I let it sit for a few moments. "I'm more of a tell it like it is person. You told it like it is. I can appreciate that."

"Are we still friends?"

I smiled a little. "Yeah."

"Are we still on for tomorrow?"

Tomorrow? Oh, shopping. "Well, I'm kind of not going to school anymore."

I heard her catch her breath. Then she hung up. What the hell? Then I heard the front doorbell go off and had my answer. I went and peeked through the peep hole then opened the door.

"Are you completely stupid?"

And here we go.

She pushed past me and dropped her backpack off by the stairs.

"Hi Chloe. How are you this fine January evening?"

Standing there with her hands on her hips she scowled at me. "Me, I'm fine. It seems like my newest friend has gone all Emo on me. I can't wait until she shows up at the local stop and rob sporting the latest Goth fashions. I hear black is in. Maybe you can stripe your hair in purple and red to make it, yanno, ultra Gothy."

I closed the door.

"And what happened to you. Why are you wearing boy clothes again?"

Walking past her to the kitchen I shot out. "I'm a boy, remember? I have no balls to speak of, but I still have my penis. Want to see?"

I heard her growl in frustration before I entered the kitchen. It didn't take long before she was burning up the hardwood floor in pursuit.

"You can't just quit."

I opened up the fridge looking for something to eat. "Emancipated minor, remember? I can pretty much do anything I want."

"You're going to quit school because you can't date Mark Tanner? Half the girls in the school want to date him and they're not quitting."

Okay, that crossed the line. I slammed the fridge door, hearing several bottles clank around inside and a possible the crash of a couple more. I turned on Chloe.

"No, this isn't about Mark," I yelled. "It's about me going through the next three years alone, not being able to date because I can't actually do anything with them without being found out. It's about not belonging to either sex. I can't be a boy because everyone thinks I'm a girl, and I can't be a girl because if someone finds out then I'm as good as dead."

After slamming both of my hands on the island counter, Chloe jumped. "The whole reason I am going to school is because I was supposed to have a life outside of constant studying. I was supposed to date, and have fun. I was supposed to laugh occasionally."

I sniffed and ground the heels of my hands into my eyes.

"But I can't do that, not anymore."

"Cas…"

"For the first time in my life since my parents died, I was happy. For a very short time I was happy being a girl. I looked forward to getting up in the morning and going to school, just to see what was going to happen next."

Turning around I slid to the ground and just sat there with my back up against the body of the island.

"Now, I realize that it's all just a nightmare again. I can't be a girl, all I can be is alone."

Pulling my knees up, I hid my face and wrapped my arms around my legs.

"You're not alone." Chloe's voice was right next to me, inches away from my face. "I won't let you be alone."

I felt her arms encircle me and I shuddered once. Then the tidal wave of emotion swept out of me in a howl as she pulled me to her.

I don't know how long she held me as I bawled my eyes out over every major event in my life: my parents, Gramps, finding out that I was happiest as a girl, and losing that happiness. All I could feel was Chloe rocking me and telling me everything was going to be alright.

~O~

I don't really remember winding up in bed, but there I was, snug under the sheets. From the way a strap was digging into my shoulder I knew I was wearing my night gown. I sighed to myself and tugged the sheets a little more underneath my chin. There was a slight chill in the air, but there was something else… a presence in the room.

Cracking open my eyes, just a tad, I saw Chloe sitting, asleep, in an armchair situated in the corner. Her feet were propped up on an ottoman, and a quilt was tucked in all around.

"Chloe?" I croaked.

Her eyes fluttered open and I could see a slight amount of confusion on her face, but then she focused.

"Hey, girl. How are you feeling?" She wrestled with the quilt as she tried to untangle herself.

"M'okay. You stayed."

She finally got free and sat forward, pushing the ottoman away. "Uh yeah, I wasn't going to leave you by yourself. You're my friend."

After clearing my throat and wiping at my face with the sheets I looked at her. "You could have slept in the bed with me, or had your choice of rooms, for that matter."

Chloe shook her head. "I can't sleep with anyone else in the bed, and I didn't want to leave you alone last night." She shrugged and stood, stretching away the night. "Come on and get up. There's shopping to be done and credit cards to wear out!"

"Chloe," I whined.

She looked at me then walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. I scootched over and made a little room for her. She brushed a hair off of my cheek and gave me a reassuring smile.

"Casidhe. After last night, I think we both know that there's a bigger issue here than you quitting school."

Not wanting to face the subject she was talking about I brought the sheets up to cover all but my eyes.

"I want you to answer a question for me, and then if you want, I'll leave you to your decision."

I thought about it for a second and then nodded.

"Good, okay… I want you to think about this while I go get ready. Tell me your answer later, alright?"

I nodded again.

"I want you to look deep down, within yourself, and ask your heart, not your head, if you are a girl or a boy."

I shut my eyes and almost cringed. Chloe brushed her fingers through my hair.

"Either one you want to be is fine with me, Cas. I'll help you as best as I can, but you need to make a choice, or at the very least, realize that you need to find out more about yourself in order to make that choice. Okay?"

With my eyes closed I nodded my head.

"Good, alright. I'm off to the shower."

I followed very soon thereafter. Luckily there was more than one shower in the house. I was back and sitting at the make up table when Chloe returned. Yeah, it took her longer because she's anal about her hair being just right. A warm smile was on her face when she saw me applying mascara diligently to my lashes.

"What?" I asked as I capped the tube.

"Nothing. Just wondering when you were going to be through hogging the make up table."

I stuck my tongue at her and grabbed a lipstick. With a couple of delicate swipes I jumped up and offered her the chair while I sat on the bed to slip on my sandals. For you nosey people, I was wearing stretch jeans, girls stretch jeans, mind you, and a white camisole with a lime green button down hanging loose.

~O~

It was a fairly warm day outside, well, sixty degrees was warm for January. We entered the mall and immediately made our way to the Smoothie King. Banana for me, Strawberry-Banana-Blueberry for Chloe… yeah, yuck.

Chloe's mission was to work our way up the major mall anchors and then hit the individual tiny shops as we worked our way out of the mall. Estimated time needed? Five hours, minimum. Apparently this didn't include time out to carry our bags back to the Beetle. Wait. Hold on. Who's idea was this?

J C Penny's had thirty minutes to open, so we sat on the bench outside the front doors, or at least I sat down, Chloe had other plans.

"Cas, look. LA Nails is open. Why don't we get our nails done and then Penny's will be open by the time we're through?"

I turned around and looked at the really bored…um, nail people. What do you call the people that clip your nails? Nailoloigists? Oh, I know, Nailiphiles… get it? Nail-i-philes — Nail-files? Oh, forget it. My superior humor is wasted on the plebes.

"Uh, sure."

Apparently, the Nailiphiles thought that I was a very bad person. I was relegated to sticking my feet and hands into some weird soapy water for much longer than Chloe had to soak. Then some weird Nazi-Asian lady took to my heels with a rock that she apparently found out in the parking lot or something. I swear it sounded like she was scraping away for gold.

All the while, she was chatting away with her compatriot in nails in a foreign language. I know she was talking about my feet. Bitch.

Ow! What the hell? I thought this was supposed to be a soothing experience! Whoever gave me that impression was sorely mistaken… get it… sorely… sore. Why do I even try?

I'm quite sure there was blood involved at one point, but we made it out of there in one piece, well, with several pieces added, as a matter of fact. Now my fingernails were longer. I got sport-length. I don't think I could deal with anything longer. They were a very cool red… I mean the color was cool-shaded, soft, not, like flaming red. Ugh. I'll tell you what, when you pay the cost of getting my nails done, then you can look on the bottom of the bottle and find out what the actual color is, alright? Saffron Ruby Sweet Cotton Candy or something like that. Nail polish companies are weird.

I think Chloe had an idea or something that I was supposed to get an outfit that matched. I was still wondering how to justify spending fifty dollars on an outfit to match my nails when it should have been the other way around.

On the plus side, my toes never looked so good.

Chloe got a French manicure. She told me it was out of style, but she thought it looked cool. Viva la résistance!

~O~

On the fifth trip back to the car I was about to pass out, so Chloe reluctantly admitted that I deserved a nugget type substance and we took a break in the food court. My poor stone scraped feet! They hurt! But they looked good!

I was now the proud owner of about two dozen outfits of which a number of could be interchanged with one another. This way I didn't wear the same outfit twice in a month. It was in the How to be an Effective Girl rulebook that I still haven't received a copy of, as of yet. The afternoon was devoted to accessories. Bangles, beads, necklaces, rings, clips, ties, bracelets, earrings — oh, by the way… oww!

We were back in Macy's looking though purses when I found the one for me. It was supple black leather and it had a bazillion pockets.

"No."

"But, Chloe," I whined.

"Cas, it's a Fendi."

"A whatie?"

She grabbed a tag that was hanging off of the strap and flipped it over for me to see.

"GOOD GOD! THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!?"

For that, I received a kick to the shins.

I think my lower lip trembled, just a little bit, when I put it back on its very own dedicated display shelf. Goodbye, bazillion pocketed purse with matching price tag. Sniff. Parting is such sweet… oh, look at that one. It's got a pocket, on the outside, for my Blackberry! Yay!

~O~

Shoe, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes! Some lucky, commissioned, sales girl went home tired, but very, very happy that day. The manager told me to pull my car around back and she had one of her stock boys wheel out the boxes on a hand truck. It only took a few trips. Dammit, okay, it took seven trips. The trunk and the back seat were crammed full to the brim. I couldn't see out the back window and Chloe had to move her seat up in order to not squish the most darling black slingbacks…

Okay, I admit I went a tad bit overboard. I think my credit card broke.

~O~

It took almost two hours to unload everything and store it away. Granted I had to empty out my boy closet and put everything into boxes in order to make room for my shoes, but it all worked out in the end.

"There, you are officially a girl."

I slithered on the leather couch and moaned. "Is it like this every weekend?"

Chloe shrugged and rubbed her feet. "Well, except for the stopping to eat at lunch time, yeah."

Opening one eye I gave her a glare.

She leaned back and laughed. "I can't believe American Express actually called you to tell you some crazy person was spending hundreds of dollars with your card."

I shrugged. "I rarely use it." Upon further reflection, I added, "I never go shopping unless I really need something."

"Sacrilege! I'll exorcize that demon from you soon, girl."

We sat in companionable silence for a good five minutes.

"So, what are you going to wear on your date with Ted tomorrow?"

I was almost in the Zen Zone when she asked that. So close.

"Uh…"

"You know that this might very well be the only date he goes on this year."

Great, put the pressure on, why don't ya.

"What do you suggest?"

~O~

I had returned Ted's email and told him I'd pick him up. Hey, he lives three blocks away, it's not like I'm going to Cleveland or something. I parked in front of the house, in the street. After taking a cleansing breath and saying a little prayer to Ralph Lauren. I opened the car door and swung my legs out.

My three-inch heeled, knee boots settled on the concrete. They had a really cute black fuzzy border all around the top. Warm! From there it was bare skin until mid thigh. That was more than enough. The skirt, Chloe informed me, was Buffalo print. You know what that means to me? Squat. I'll tell you what I see. I see a red skirt with little tiny pleats and a black crisscross pattern all around.

It's a tutoring session. Apparently Chloe thinks it will be a hoot to go with the naughty schoolgirl outfit or something. But since I don't have breasts, there is no way I can pull that off. Thank God.

My top was a thin solid black zip up sweater that comes down past my wrists and had this cute little hole I'm supposed to stick my thumb through. It settles down at my knuckles.

Cute, right?

A couple of rings and a silver heart necklace later and I was ready to face the Dad of Ted. Kinda sounds like a horror movie, yeah?

For practice, I wore heels for the rest of Saturday night and most of Sunday morning. So I was fairly confidant in my ability not to make a total fool of myself. As long as I don't have to dance then I'm okay. Since there is no dancing at the pizza place, I've got that one covered.

Walking up to the door I kept it in my mind to walk, one foot, reasonably, in front of the other. If you really walk one in front of the other, you kind of look like a hooker with the swinging of the hips. Not really the kind of thing you want to show off to a guy's parent's.

Before I rang the doorbell I heard a loud thumping of something. If I didn't know any better I'd swear it sounded like someone fell down the stairs. Except it was the opposite way, like they were falling up the stairs. Weird.

Ding Dong! Cross-dressing tutor calling!

I stood there, fiddling with my purse, while experiencing a deep seated desire to click my nails. I have no idea why.

That's when I heard a muffled, "Tutor's didn't look like that when I was a kid."

I blinked and tried to stifle a laugh.

The door opened, and I finally got a very firm idea of what Ted would look like in twenty years. Maybe when he gained about twenty or thirty more pounds of body muscle and maybe a little grey sprouting just above the ears, lost the braces and cleared the skin up. Hmm, nice.

I was waiting for Dad!Ted to whip out a pipe or something and tap it in the palm of his hand.

"Hi, you must be Casidhe. I'm Theodore's dad."

I held out my hand and gave him gay-limp shake. Hey I'm in character now, give me a break.

"Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Head."

He stepped back and swept his arm outward. "Come on in. I told Theodore to give us a few minutes, if you don't mind?"

I shook my head slightly. "No problem."

Stepping into The Head Household was like walking into a hospital. Everything was so clean, white, and somewhat Spartan, and I'm not talking about the sweaty-muscled goodness of Frank Miller's 300 either. I had absolutely no desire to shout, "THIS–IS–THE–HEAD–HOUSEHOLD!" and kick Mr. Head down into the basement.

"What a… clean home you have, Mr. Head."

"Thank you, Mrs. Head will be pleased you noticed."

It was kinda of hard not to. I was tempted to check the bottom of my boots to make sure I hadn't stepped in gum or something on the way in. Did I bring my stun gun with me? Because I'd definitely need it to short out the CPU's of the Stepford Family that lived in this place. Where the heck did they find Ted? Maybe he was adopted? Except, how hard would it be to adopt a kid that looked exactly like his adoptive dad? Hmm, this deserves further thought.

I was escorted into Dad!Ted's study and given a seat in front of a big sturdy desk. What the hell? Is this an interview? I'm doing this for free. Dad!Ted sat in the other chair and not behind the desk. Well that was nice of him, at least. I set my purse on the desk with the pocket for my Blackberry facing out toward us. Cool, right? Can't you just see Mr. Head saying, "Wow, Casidhe! Is that a pocket for your Blackberry? That's a very nice purse."

I waited for it.

Bastard!

I crossed my legs so as not to give Dad!Ted a free glimpse of my black lace panties. No upskirts in this manga, buster.

"I hear we owe you thanks for helping Theodore out in the office on Friday."

Ah, straight to the point. My eyes darted to the doorway and I tried to calculate the odds on a quick escape if I were to bash Dad!Ted in the head with my purse and make a run for it.

Damn my weakness for these boots!

"Uh…"

"Don't worry, Casidhe. I'm quite pleased with Theodore's actions on your behalf." He leaned forward and took a quick peek to the door then whispered, "Between you and me I think he's finally become a man."

Who tells people this about their kid? Would you like to tell me about his sperm count as well? Maybe the size of his…

"Casidhe?"

Ah, saved!

I turned to see Ted at the door. He was sporting a pair of black slacks, and a solid red button down. Oh joy, we matched. Won't our pictures turn out well. Then a strong feeling of dread overcame me. Oh no.

"I want you two to stand up against the fireplace over there."

Mrs. Head! With a camera! Curse you Ralph! You never listen to my prayers!

Ted turned around. "Mom, we're going to study and then to pizza. We aren't going to the prom."

Mrs. Head gave me the most pathetic pleading look. I was almost expecting her to stick out her lip and let it quiver for a minute. Then her eyes shifted.

"Oh, that is the most darling purse. Is that a pocket, on the outside, for your Blackberry?"

Now that, just isn't fair! She noticed! I had a quick little internal fantasy where I would grab my purse, do a Charlie's Angel's rebound off the desk while I cross-kicked Dad!Ted in the head and tossed my purse, which by the way had Extendo!Stretch straps, and it would rebound off of Mrs. Head's… head. Then I would grab Ted and make our escape.

All of this, of course, depended on me having a convertible red Ferrari parked just outside the door. Blast!

I stood and walked over to Ted and grabbed his arm. "Come on, Ted. It will be totally painless." Except for the eye-blinding, migraine inducing, flash.

Four flashes, and three poses later — I blinked, sue me — and we were out the door. I still had a hold on Ted's arm for fear of falling. There was a bright ball of light wherever I looked. I hate cameras.

"I'm really sorry about that," said Ted with a mortally embarrassed tone.

Squeezing his arm I reassured him. "Remember, Ted, some of us don't have parents to embarrass us before dates. They're just happy for you."

He walked me around to my side while I beep-beeped the locks open. Then he opened my door for me. I gave him a smile in thanks and sat down to swing my legs inside. I have no doubt, whatsoever, that Ted was staring at my legs the entire time. I could almost feel them burn with attention.

~O~

Algebra II is pathetically simple if, and only if, you can remember the stupid formulas. With his busted hand, which was currently wrapped under four feet of gauze, it was next to impossible for him to write, so we drilled with the formulas and some flash cards that I had made up. It wasn't the best way to do it, but if you can't write, what else are you supposed to do?

Near the end I could see he was getting frustrated.

"Sorry, I hate this," he declared. "I just don't see anytime in the future that I'm going to need these things. I mean who cares if two trains are leaving the station at the same time and where they'll meet up? Who uses trains anymore?"

I sat the cards down on the table and got up to pace a bit. Walking the length of the kitchen I turned around and saw Ted's eyes were glued to my butt. Yeah…

"Okay, let's see if I can give you a real life example."

He leaned back and set his uninjured hand on the table. "Okay, shoot."

"This Saturday, you and I are going to go on a date to the movies."

He seemed a little antsy. "Alright."

"The movie starts at… oh, 7:05." I watched as he nodded in understanding. "I really hate being late for anything, Ted. But I don't want to be too early either. There's nothing more boring than sitting in a theater looking at a blank screen while I'm wasting my popcorn. Popcorn is supposed to be for the movie, not for before, yanno?"

He nodded again.

"From previous experience, I know that the theater is 7.5 miles away. The speed limit out of the subdivision is thirty-five miles per hour for 1.7 miles and on the freeway it's fifty-five for 5.8 miles. What time do we have to leave to make it to the movie on time?"

His mouth opened a little and he blinked at me. "That's Algebra," I concluded.

I walked up to him almost bumping him with my knee. "Do you want to please me Ted?"

I reached over to the flash cards. I might have had to bend a little at the waist, but I retrieved them. Flipping through them I found the correct formula and sat it down in front of him.

"I really don't want to be late and I don't want to eat all of my popcorn before the movie starts."

He looked down at the formula and his brow narrowed in concentration.

"I'm going upstairs to freshen up before we go out. I'd really like it if you would solve the problem for me."

He looked back up at me and nodded. "Okay."

I had absolutely nothing to do upstairs. My make up was still fresh, but I touched up my lipstick, just for something to do. When ten minutes passed I started to the head of the stairs and was only half way down when Ted arrived at the bottom.

"I've got it!"

Apparently, all Ted needed was the proper motivation, and I had another date. I never said my plan had a flaw in it anywhere, did I?

Photo Credit: Olga http://mgpg.wordpress.com/2006/09/25/olga-super-red/

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To Be Continued...