Wandering around my story file last night while the Fourth was still with me, I came across a piece I did about a transwoman who was mourning the then-recent passing of Carrie Fisher and her mom, Debbie Reynolds. Along with Angharad's May 4th blog, my story nudged me into a bit of self-reflection.
When I saw what was then called just Star Wars, I was married to my first wife, and we enjoyed the picture. I also had one of those glimpses into my deeply closeted and long denied gender identity conflicts. When I saw Princess Leia posed as in the picture above, I wasn't merely attracted to her. For the briefest of moments, I wanted somehow to BE her.
As much as anyone can be, I was so confused and even conflicted. I have no idea where and why that conflict disappeared until now. But I also came across another piece I did where a teen has a series of dreams after being injured with a nasty concussion. In one episode, the girl/boy is transported to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, where she and Rey mourn the death of Leia.
I only realized today that I mourned that part of me who longed to be someone like Leia Organa Skywalker. Something in which to rejoice, since it helped me further identify WHO I am.
Princess Leia's Theme
From the Motion Picture
Star Wars (Episode IV A New Hope)
Composed by John Williams
As performed by
The Danish National Orchestra
Comments
For What Its Worth.
Don't do what I did. I tried but can never be a woman. Instead, cross dress when you want to, OR just be a feminine male. If you are gay, be gay, otherwise not.
Gwen Brown
Try to be *yourself*, not "a woman"
The problem with trying to "be a woman" is that it's some external and imaginary and frequently impossible standard, no matter how you conceive of what "being a woman" is. With all the many varied and contradictory and impossible ideas of what "woman" is out there, not even most cis women can "be a woman."
I know that the demand that I "be a man" (equally varied and contradictory and impossible) was something I rebelled against my whole life. It wasn't until very recently that I learned that one could be trans feminine without being "a woman trapped in a man's body", a framing of trans that still doesn't fit me. I started trying out "female" things and kept what I liked and made me comfortable and rejected the rest. I went ahead with a lot of the medical transition stuff because I knew it would make me feel better, and it did. I present in a way that most people will gender me female, and my IDs say "F", because it's just easier.
Am I really "a woman"? Who knows? Who cares? (Well the transphobes do care, but why should I measure my worth by what bigots say?)
trans feminine
I hadn't heard the term before I like it. When filling out forms with personal information, if they ask for my sex, I refer to what's between my legs and mark the "M" box for male, however; if they ask for my gender, (what's between my ears) I mark the "F" box for feminine.
For me, sex is either Male or Female and gender is Masculine or Feminine. That works particularly well for someone who has socially transitioned but not had surgery. Though not completely accurate. Gender is a spectrum with masculine at one end and feminine at the other and it's very rare indeed that someone could be 100% either masculine or feminine. The truth is that everyone is some distance from either end, with trillions of options in between the ends,
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
Lost in my memories
I don’t remember the first time I looked at a girl, or a woman, and felt that vague, but poignant stab of something— call it curiosity, or longing, or maybe even jealousy. I don’t remember who it was. My memories of being very young are foggy and diffuse; sometimes I don’t know for sure whether I’m remembering something that happened, or just one of my more vivid dreams. But the moment, for me, must have been very far back. But you picked a fine model, Ms. Andrea Leia. :)
— Emma
Girls Had It Better
Two things. First, my stepfather used to beat the living shit out of me. Second, I was always ridiculed for acting like a girl. True or not, it was nothing that I was conscious of. To top it off, my step sister was nicer and always got to wear the pretty clothes. She was treated better.
Gwen Brown
Hard to pin down
I remember at a very young age; kindergarten or first grade, my closest friend was a girl who lived a half a block away. At that time there was, in mind, no difference between us. She wasn't a girly-girl; she wore jeans and tee shirts like me most of the time. Only occasionally would she wear a dress or a skirt. I remember I was fascinated by the concept of skirts and dresses.
During that same time frame on rainy days, my older sister was tasked with keeping me occupied. We played together in the house. The only thing that stands out to me was playing with paper dolls. It never occurred to me that boys didn't play with paper dolls; we just had fun putting different outfits on them and making up things for them do and say.
It was a couple of years later, third or probably fourth grade, that I progressed to wearing her clothes when left alone in the house. We were raised by a single parent (my dad) and if we had bothered to lock the door, I'd have been a latch key kid when my sister started high school. That left me with an hour or more alone on school days before she got home. That's how I had the time to explore her wardrobe.
Actually wanting to be a girl or a woman... not so much as feeling or looking like one and finally being treated as one. Fourth grade for me would have been 1955. It wasn't until the late 70s that I desired physical changes to my body. IE breasts; actual breasts, not just life like breast forms.
So like I said, hard to pin down.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
for me, it was Linda Carter as Wonder Woman
I would often spin like she did on the show to turn into Wonder Woman, hoping somehow I would transform into a beautiful women.
Never Was A Doubt
There is a young lady on here who said she knew by age four the doctor labeled her BC wrong. By age five I was begging God to change me into a real girl. Took a lot of years to understand, I was a real girl. Dr. Shadid put M on the BC but he was wrong. He should have asked me.
I'm so proud of all the gentlemen and ladies who manage to handle the gender-blender and live their lives whether they finally full fill the desire driving them or not. It hurts when I read about those who didn't survive because the pain was too much to bear. My doctors ask almost every appointment if I think of suicide? What a loaded question. The answer is yes not only for myself. For those all over the world who are dealing with the boy-girl conflicting confluence of body and mind.
Hugs Andrea Lena
Barb
Some of the strongest bravest people I've known aren't always on a battle field, they are transgender.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
I Don't Remember
Having any particular girl in mind when I was young, although there was one very pretty girl who I admired in first year primary (age 6). I finally realized my femininity at about age 10-11 but still didn't identify with any one woman until I was about 15. I was fascinated by girls like April Ashley and Christine Jorgensen who were so brave, and I wished I had the courage to emulate them.
So, No, Andrea you are not the only one, and may the Forth be with you (thorry for lithping).
That lovely tune with flutes and violins would go well with Marianne G's "Weeping Willow"