Wandering around my story file last night while the Fourth was still with me, I came across a piece I did about a transwoman who was mourning the then-recent passing of Carrie Fisher and her mom, Debbie Reynolds. Along with Angharad's May 4th blog, my story nudged me into a bit of self-reflection.
When I saw what was then called just Star Wars, I was married to my first wife, and we enjoyed the picture. I also had one of those glimpses into my deeply closeted and long denied gender identity conflicts. When I saw Princess Leia posed as in the picture above, I wasn't merely attracted to her. For the briefest of moments, I wanted somehow to BE her.
As much as anyone can be, I was so confused and even conflicted. I have no idea where and why that conflict disappeared until now. But I also came across another piece I did where a teen has a series of dreams after being injured with a nasty concussion. In one episode, the girl/boy is transported to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, where she and Rey mourn the death of Leia.
I only realized today that I mourned that part of me who longed to be someone like Leia Organa Skywalker. Something in which to rejoice, since it helped me further identify WHO I am.
Princess Leia's Theme
From the Motion Picture
Star Wars (Episode IV A New Hope)
Composed by John Williams
As performed by
The Danish National Orchestra
Comments
For What Its Worth.
Don't do what I did. I tried but can never be a woman. Instead, cross dress when you want to, OR just be a feminine male. If you are gay, be gay, otherwise not.
Gwen Brown
Lost in my memories
I don’t remember the first time I looked at a girl, or a woman, and felt that vague, but poignant stab of something— call it curiosity, or longing, or maybe even jealousy. I don’t remember who it was. My memories of being very young are foggy and diffuse; sometimes I don’t know for sure whether I’m remembering something that happened, or just one of my more vivid dreams. But the moment, for me, must have been very far back. But you picked a fine model, Ms. Andrea Leia. :)
— Emma
Girls Had It Better
Two things. First, my stepfather used to beat the living shit out of me. Second, I was always ridiculed for acting like a girl. True or not, it was nothing that I was conscious of. To top it off, my step sister was nicer and always got to wear the pretty clothes. She was treated better.
Gwen Brown
Hard to pin down
I remember at a very young age; kindergarten or first grade, my closest friend was a girl who lived a half a block away. At that time there was, in mind, no difference between us. She wasn't a girly-girl; she wore jeans and tee shirts like me most of the time. Only occasionally would she wear a dress or a skirt. I remember I was fascinated by the concept of skirts and dresses.
During that same time frame on rainy days, my older sister was tasked with keeping me occupied. We played together in the house. The only thing that stands out to me was playing with paper dolls. It never occurred to me that boys didn't play with paper dolls; we just had fun putting different outfits on them and making up things for them do and say.
It was a couple of years later, third or probably fourth grade, that I progressed to wearing her clothes when left alone in the house. We were raised by a single parent (my dad) and if we had bothered to lock the door, I'd have been a latch key kid when my sister started high school. That left me with an hour or more alone on school days before she got home. That's how I had the time to explore her wardrobe.
Actually wanting to be a girl or a woman... not so much as feeling or looking like one and finally being treated as one. Fourth grade for me would have been 1955. It wasn't until the late 70s that I desired physical changes to my body. IE breasts; actual breasts, not just life like breast forms.
So like I said, hard to pin down.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
for me, it was Linda Carter as Wonder Woman
I would often spin like she did on the show to turn into Wonder Woman, hoping somehow I would transform into a beautiful women.
Never Was A Doubt
There is a young lady on here who said she knew by age four the doctor labeled her BC wrong. By age five I was begging God to change me into a real girl. Took a lot of years to understand, I was a real girl. Dr. Shadid put M on the BC but he was wrong. He should have asked me.
I'm so proud of all the gentlemen and ladies who manage to handle the gender-blender and live their lives whether they finally full fill the desire driving them or not. It hurts when I read about those who didn't survive because the pain was too much to bear. My doctors ask almost every appointment if I think of suicide? What a loaded question. The answer is yes not only for myself. For those all over the world who are dealing with the boy-girl conflicting confluence of body and mind.
Hugs Andrea Lena
Barb
Some of the strongest bravest people I've known aren't always on a battle field, they are transgender.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl