Wandering around my story file last night while the Fourth was still with me, I came across a piece I did about a transwoman who was mourning the then-recent passing of Carrie Fisher and her mom, Debbie Reynolds. Along with Angharad's May 4th blog, my story nudged me into a bit of self-reflection.
When I saw what was then called just Star Wars, I was married to my first wife, and we enjoyed the picture. I also had one of those glimpses into my deeply closeted and long denied gender identity conflicts. When I saw Princess Leia posed as in the picture above, I wasn't merely attracted to her. For the briefest of moments, I wanted somehow to BE her.
As much as anyone can be, I was so confused and even conflicted. I have no idea where and why that conflict disappeared until now. But I also came across another piece I did where a teen has a series of dreams after being injured with a nasty concussion. In one episode, the girl/boy is transported to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, where she and Rey mourn the death of Leia.
I only realized today that I mourned that part of me who longed to be someone like Leia Organa Skywalker. Something in which to rejoice, since it helped me further identify WHO I am.
Princess Leia's Theme
From the Motion Picture
Star Wars (Episode IV A New Hope)
Composed by John Williams
As performed by
The Danish National Orchestra
Comments
For What Its Worth.
Don't do what I did. I tried but can never be a woman. Instead, cross dress when you want to, OR just be a feminine male. If you are gay, be gay, otherwise not.
Gwen Brown
Lost in my memories
I don’t remember the first time I looked at a girl, or a woman, and felt that vague, but poignant stab of something— call it curiosity, or longing, or maybe even jealousy. I don’t remember who it was. My memories of being very young are foggy and diffuse; sometimes I don’t know for sure whether I’m remembering something that happened, or just one of my more vivid dreams. But the moment, for me, must have been very far back. But you picked a fine model, Ms. Andrea Leia. :)
— Emma
Girls Had It Better
Two things. First, my stepfather used to beat the living shit out of me. Second, I was always ridiculed for acting like a girl. True or not, it was nothing that I was conscious of. To top it off, my step sister was nicer and always got to wear the pretty clothes. She was treated better.
Gwen Brown