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The last few days have not been great for me. My spouse managed to ruin my holidays - something she has always been very adept at over the nearly forty years we have been married. Yesterday, the mail arrived as I was walking past our front door. You see, in my neighborhood, the mail carrier walks from house to house delivering incoming mail and picking up outgoing mail. As our mailbox is mounted on the wall next to our front door, the mail carrier has to walk from the sidewalk, along our front walk, and up four steps to our front porch where he then leaves our mail in the mailbox, taking any outgoing mail with him. Because we have a Ring Doorbell, anyone walking up the steps sets off the motion detector, which in turn sets off alarms on my watch, my phone, and every Alexa in the house (which is three rooms on each floor of the house), making it obvious that someone is here - even if they don’t ring the doorbell.
As I was near the door, I grabbed the mail just after he dropped it off. With Christmas being only a week away, our incoming mail has dropped off considerably - fewer sales flyers, fewer catalogs, and fewer greeting cards. In fact, we only had two pieces of mail that day, which is probably what made the item in question stand out. What was it you say? A letter from our primary bank (yes, we use more than one), TD Bank, the address showing through the window on the envelope had my spouse’s name, and what I thought was mine. So, I opened it. To find out that it was not my name, but rather her’s, then my oldest son (whose name is also Dallas), then my middle son, and then my youngest son. In other words, everyone in the family except me. I did not notice this right away, rather not until I had read the letter.
A letter explaining that a certificate of deposit in the value of some $108,000 was maturing in six months, and would be automatically rolled over unless the bank was given other directions - what we referred to as UNODIR in the service. In and of itself, not a big issue.
What upset me was that this was when I figured out that my wife had taken $108,000 of our savings and put it into a CD, which didn’t bother me as we had discussed doing that - in fact, we have multiple CD’s as the interest rate is higher than our regular savings account, so we utilize them for a portion of our savings while keeping about half in more liquid accounts for ease of access. So the CD itself didn’t upset me. What upset me is that I was not listed on it!
She took over $108,000 out of our joint savings, and put it in her name with my children listed as the beneficiaries if something happened to her. She essentially took a chunk of our joint wealth and locked me out of it. When I confronted her about this, she made out like it was no big thing - that we had discussed putting money into CD’s. Which we did - but not in just her name! She apparently sees nothing wrong with this, and tells me that if we need the money she will simply move it back into another account. Somehow, she sees nothing wrong with putting over $100,000 of money which belongs to both of us into an account in just her name.
So we have not really been speaking for the past two days.
So I am sitting here wondering if I need to check with the bank regarding whether this all the money she has done this with, whether I should go do the same thing in just my name, whether I should be placing a call to my lawyer, whether I should get my kids involved in this, or whether I should simply make her put my name on the account - although I don’t think that can be done.
So, needless to say, I am not having a very Merry Christmas this year.
Comments
I am so sorry hon
that was very wrong of her.
Not a great move..
What I would say Dallas, is before you go big on the meltdown, take a step back. After what the two have you have been through, and are still together, would she really be ripping you off?
In other words, to use a colloquial English phrase, was it cock up or conspiracy? Only you (and she) can make a call on that.
From what you have posted, you are still very much in love with your wife, as I am with mine, and, after a rocky patch, she has accepted the real you, as mine has with me (after a rocky patch).
It certainly sounds like she made a colossal mistake, and I would be really p'd off too, but I'm guessing she knows that, and is unlikely to just back down. People don't, no matter how smart they are.
One of you has to be the grown up and try to build the bridges which have gotten knocked down in this storm.
I've got everything crossed for you ( the English equivalent of knock on wood!)
Hugs Lucy xx
"Lately it occurs to me..
what a long strange trip its been."
Women!
You've got to love 'em - right?
Especially that "Oh, did I do something wrong?" look.
You know what they say - if you can't lump 'em, join 'em.
Maryanne
That really sucks
But: Hanlon’s razor?
Legal implications and consequences
Apart from the relationship implications and consequences, you should also investigate and verify the legal implications and consequences. I know that laws and legislation varies between countries and even between parts of the same country. So you will need to consult with a local (to you) legal professional.
In some jurisdictions any or all of the following apply:
At the very least this is a severe breach of trust. And it could potentially also be classified as a crime.
If this is not a one-off, isolated event, but a recurring thing, you might want to seriously consider filling for a legal separation of assets. This is NOT a divorce!! But a protection mechanism for the marital relationship. You divide your assets according to the rule of the law and move them to accounts registered as individual or sole ownership. Then you can establish a joint account for common monthly family expenses such as groceries were each party contributes a specific monthly transfer, so that it is evident and documented who contributed and who spent.
Thus the “risks” taken by one partner will not compromise the other partner.
That is the route I took when my former wife refused to abide by our written financial agreements and took us to the brink of personal bankruptcy while trying to foist all the liability on me. Even though I was generous in division of assets, I still ended up paying off some of her liabilities. But I was finally able to get back to some financial stability.
As far as I am able to tell…….
From looking into our accounts, and per our discussions on the matter, this is the only time she has done this. Whether or not it was done on purpose, with malice aforethought as the legal phrase goes, it is yet to be determined. But I think not.
I don’t think she is looking to rip me off, taking money that is jointly ours and running - but what she did hurt, and I have tried to make that obvious to her. In fact, right after this came up, I had taken all of our other account information and put it away in my office where she had no access to it. She went to record a transaction today and couldn’t find the ledgers for any of our accounts. When she approached me, I told her I had put them away “for safe keeping.” She got more than a little pissed off - to which I simply replied, “Yeah, it hurts when people take away access to our money, doesn’t it?” She immediately calmed down and got very thoughtful. I moved everything back where it was so she has access again, and hopefully I made my point.
In the meantime, I also called each of our banks and had the accounts changed to require both of our signatures, or digital authorizations, to move funds. That will keep her from moving anything else without my knowledge - a fact she has yet to discover. I am sure that it will cause another discussion when she finds out, but my point will be made anyway; that I can no longer trust her.
Trust takes time to earn, but only a moment to lose. That is a point which she has repeated to me since I transitioned. She feels that I should have told her that I was transgender before we married, and I have repeatedly told her that I would have if I had understood who I was forty years ago. Even my therapist has spoken to her about it. I thought she had understood that, but perhaps she is still bothered by it.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Trust takes time to earn, but only a moment to lose.
What's more is once it's lost, it's nearly impossible to reestablish it. I know because I've been there as the one who broke the trust. It resulted in a ten year rocky patch in our relationship. One where splitting up would leave us both unable to maintain any kind of desirable lifestyle. With two children, I'd paid out so much in child support that it would have crippled my ablity to put a roof over my head. She wouldn't have fared much better. In all likelihood, she'd have had to move back in with her parents.
So our financial security or the lack of it kept us together. Ten years of minding my Ps and Qs and going out of my way to do things that made her happy finally put us on a path to reconciliation. Even then it was another two before the issue was totally behind us.
It's a shame when one of the parties feels the need to protect themselves from the other.
My advice is to tread softly and remember what's good in the relationship. I know you're not much on trusting God, having said elsewhere that you and he aren't on speaking terms, but he and I are, so I've added you to my prayer list.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comments……
And thank you very much for including me in your prayers. Yes, God and I are no longer on speaking terms and haven’t been for a very long time - although I do occasionally take the time to yell at whatever deity might be listening, lol. I appreciate the time and effort you might make just to even think of me, especially when I am sure that you, like the rest of us, have enough concerns of your own.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Concerns
My friends, even my virtual online friends are part of my concerns. My prayer list isn't so long that I can't add another line to it.
In reality, I consider myself blessed because compared to many here on BCTS I'm pretty well off. I didn't plan my retirement well, but near the end of my working life I managed to get myself into a position that by downsizing I could live within my means on Social Security. I actually have an emergency fund that has allowed me to replace both our hot water heater and washer and dryer without hurting us financially.
I owe that, I'm sure, to my relationship with God. Lord knows I'm not smart enough to work it out on my own.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
This is one reason
to live in a community property state.