As Rob drove to Church for the Christmas Eve Service he felt torn. For several years the place of comfort and support the Church represented had become increasingly difficult for him to bear. For the vast majority of the congregation, the Religious Dogma was rote, especially the formal prayers and creeds. Rob didn’t see anyone who put any thought into what they said thus missing what the Faith was all about. He understood he was not having a Faith Crisis, but was slowly being consumed by a Religious Crisis. For the last 5 years, He’d been increasingly unable to rouse himself from bed, only attending sporadically. The closer he came to the Church for the Christmas Eve Services, the more anxiety he felt. This brought up the question of how, at age 73, he’d reached this unsettling point in his life. During the past 47 years he’d traveled the 36 mile loop between Church and home well over 3500 times so the route had become rote. His mind switched to auto pilot as he reminisced.

As a child his family seldom went anywhere, taking only one vacation. It was 1957, he was 6 with a sister of 3 and brother of 12, jammed together on the rear seat of a 1953 Ford for 2 days. This was before the interstates so all the roads were 2 lane blacktop that went through every city, town and village. They traveled 320 miles from home to a motel, 8 hours only stopping for gas, eating sandwiches the mom had packed. In the morning they were up at dawn, drove 24 miles, crossing into Canada to park on a overlook to see Niagra Falls! The roar of the falls could be felt and the sight dazzled his eyes! They were between the 2 falls and could see both! After 10 minutes, the dad told them they’d seen enough, loaded them up and drove home, 344 miles, stopping only for gas. It tool them about 9 hours. Needless to say, with their lifestyle Rob never learned to socialize.

Rob had an older sister who drowned in a spring house after she’d woken from a nap and toddled outside while mother was busy in the house. Rob came along a bit over 2 years later, naturally his mother doted on him. Since their home newly built along a new 4 lane highway they were isolated. All photos of Rob from that time show him in effeminate outfits with curly Shirley Temple like hair. A sister was born when he was 3 1/2 years old which suddenly shunted him to the side being told he was a boy and that he’d better man-up. This sudden swich was confusing but after a few paddlings, he learned to hide his wish to be a girl. This was in the mid 1950s. In 2nd grade he joined cub scouts. He was a loner by nature and a work-aholic. Dad opened a service station next to their home when he was 9 (ending cub scouts) and when not at school he was there. Even had a 3 step ladder at the gas pumps so he could wash windows. He'd been confirmed at age 15 but that had been the last time he went to Church. Due to strife with his dad, at 16 Rob landed a job in a nearby factory. He seldom had time to play but when he did it was to play army in useless attempts to quash his still feminine side. H’d learned to keep his wish to be female to himself, only expressing his true self in dreams or daydreams. For as long as he could remember, every night he imagined himself as the cute girls he saw at school and on TV.

Rob’s employer held an appreciation banquet for the employees and significant others. He was expected to attend with a date. He was a senior having never dated. At the same time the daughter of his former den mother, now a junior, was urging everyone she knew to attend a dance the art club was sponsoring. Rob told Andrea he’d take her to the dance if she went with him to the banquet, thus their 1st 2 dates.

When Rob asked her out on a Sunday, she replied she couldn’t because she was in Church every Sunday. Andrea was in the choir, the youth group, and taught 1st and 2nd grade Sunday School. The next Sunday she had an assistant in Sunday School. That was in the spring of 1969, the 1st time he’d set foot in a Church since his confirmation. They quickly became inseparable soulmates discussing everything they did. Rob’s tranz feelings became even more suppressed.

Rob and Andrea dated and volunteered in the Church, going to the same college together and working in a department store to pay their way through school. Neither had help from their family except for a roof over their heads. Rob graduated in December 1972 and she graduated in December 1973. Rob’s career was in manufacturing as a supervisor while Andrea was a teacher. Church was their social life. She became head of the Sunday School and he became the treasurer. They became deacons serving on the Church Board and since theirs was a Union Church, they served on the Union Board. They became the Church SOMEBODYs, as in “Why doesn’t SOMEBODY do this”. The church threw a baby shower for them in the basement with over 120 people attending.

The Church had a very well attended Halloween Party every year with games, snacks and costume judging by age group. It was fun for all ending with indoor fireworks. The kids up to 6th grade formed a circle and we dumped 120 balloons into the center. Then with a count down the kids went at them, jumping on the balloons in their eventually successful efforts to burst them. By then my TG self was VERY repressed but I still dreamed of wearing the cute girlish costumes the kids wore.

While Rob and Andrea were much appreciated, neither had any close friends. In 1977 they had a daughter and bought a home 18 miles away from Church in the School District she worked. They continued serving, shepherding the Union Churches into a single entity. Andrea’s dad died in 1988, her mother and brother were unable to keep up with their family home. In 1990 they built a 1000 squared foot 2 story addition to their home to move them in. Her mother died in 1997 and a few months later Andrea was diagnosed with MS. Rob insisted WE had MS. By then we had an Apple II computer and in short bits and pieces I began to secretly write TG fiction.

In December 2001 Andrea slipped on ice severely injuring herself, however, she refused to see a doctor as she HAD to teach her kids in both Church and School. Within a week she couldn’t walk. Still refusing medical care rob obtained a wheelchair and wheeled her to her classroom each day then to went to his job picking her up after he was done. On Sundays Rob took Andrea to Church, bounced her up 17 steps to get into the Church then 21 steps into the basement. In June she hurt so bad she could not continue finally letting him take her to the hospital. Diagnosed with 2 fractured vertabra, it took 47 days to treat her by injecting bone cement. By then she had lost control of her legs. The pain was so severe she could only sit for about 3 hours a day. Thus she was mostly bedridden. For the next 9 years Rob took care of her, did the laundry, cooked, cleaned the house.

Rob joked that he was a lucky man because he was under orders from her doctor to be a daily pain in her butt. Unable to use a toilet or a bed pan, wearing protective gloves, he had to manually empty her butt. During this time it became more difficult for her to go to Church. Rob went every Sunday trying to continue the work they did although he did cut back on being an officer in the various groups. How he did it was beyond him because he was still working full time. Rob never wasted time thinking about how he was able to do what he did, instead simply just doing it. With the advent of the internet, in what little time he had, he was able to discover TG Fiction Sites like BCTS. It helped him maintain sanity.

Rob took over the Halloween Party. 2013 in particular stuck out in his memory. There was a group of 4 tween girls who dressed up like the newly expanded Disney fairies complete with wings. Three of the girls attended the Church while the 4th was a friend of theirs. They were cute and Rob was so envious of their giggling antics. They did their best to award prizes to everyone. The judges gave the 3 regular attendees the Prettiest, Best Fictional, and Most Unique and their friend the Funniest award. A bit later as the kids were playing games the visiting fairy sidled up to Rob when no one was near.

“I don’t think there’s anything funny about me dressing up as a girl,” he snarked. “Since this Church thinks being tranz is FUNNY I’ll never be back!”

Needless to say Rob was stunned. The cute fairy didn’t look like a boy nor had she acted in anyway like a boy. Rob choked realizing one of the cute fairies was tranz which made him super jealous that he’d never had the chance to express his long repressed feminine side. Mutely he watched as she sashayed to her friends as his mind stuttered, torn between jealousy and the desire to apologize for unintentionally insulting her. The girls stayed for the fireworks then like everyone else left. There was never an opportunity to talk to her alone. Rob never did figure out what to say to her. Clearly he’d offended the tween which left him guilt ridden. To the best of his knowledge and shame the youth never returned to the Church or any other religion. When he saw any of the 3 girls, he’d remind them of the Halloween Party then ask about the boy. Rob learned his name was Mike but she preferred Miki. As she aged she began dressing exclusively in girl’s shoes, jeans and shirts letting his hair grow. She was hassled in school but managed to avoid any beatings. She’d been thrown out of her home at 16 so lived with his maternal grandmother. She landed a job at a massive Hunting, Fishing and Outdoor Gear Store 6 miles away going full time upon graduation.

Rob’s wife steadily deteriorated. Andrea knew her time was coming to an end but she was unafraid, insisting she was not dying but preparing to take her final exam so she could go on to heaven. When someone would ask why, after her life of willing Christian servitude, she never said “God, Why Me?” She’d answer with a smile: “I never asked ‘God, why me’ when I met my husband or had our child. Since I never asked ‘God, why me’ for the good things in life, what right do I have to ask him about the bad things?” Previously they had talked about their hopes for the future, trips to the Holy Land and such. She now told Rob that he’d have to do those things for both of them. She also told him that she’d be waiting for him in heaven, but that he should take his time. Andrea graduated in mid June 2010.

For the next 9 months Rob struggled. He continued serving the Church and working but missed his soulmate. He was 59, but had never in his 41 year adult life made a decision on his own. His 60th birthday finally snapped him out of his fugue. Rob began doing things he wanted to do. Being a bit overweight and bearded, he realized he was too old to explore his tranz options. His TG writing usually expresses his yearnings of being a tween boy who transitions to girl. Rob was stuck in a mental dream that he would be that tween. There was simply no way that he could fulfill that tween dream. His greatest fear was that if he tried to explore transitioning as an adult, the results would crush his tween mental image. Since he’d gone this long suppressing the need to dress enfemme, he continued doing so. This is not to say he didn’t alter his wardrobe!

Green is Rob’s favorite color and he’d always tried to buy clothes in green. His wife had always made sure his colors matched so he decided that since he now lived alone, the hell with it! He bought green dye and dyed all his clothes. He bought a dozen identical pairs of socks so he no longer had to worry about matching them. If one wore out I’d toss it. When he couldn’t make it between washings, it was time to replace them all. Light colors can be dyed darker colors so blues, greys and pastels became green. The best feature of doing this is that everything can be washed together! No more sorting clothes by color for laundry. Rob even dyed his shoes, tan suede is easily dyed by green leather dye. For the last 13 years, from the skin out his wardrobe has been shades of green. People chuckle at his eccentricity.

Rob’s reminiscing ended upon reaching the Church. The Christmas Eve Service was as he expected. While very nice and inspirational, he simply could not feel what the rest of the attendees clearly felt. Disillusioned, he headed home, stopping at the minimart with gas pumps by the traffic light off the main street into town and the 4 lane highway he’d take to return home. Being thirsty, he decided to stop at the minimart to pick up a Cherry Coke and a Taco. As he waited for the taco he overheard an employee talking to someone seated in a booth in their small dining area.

“Miki, I’m sorry, but you can’t stay here. The manager told us the next time you come in, you can stay half an hour if you buy something. We’re supposed to call the cops to get you trespassed if you pass the half hour limit or don’t buy anything.”

“You know I have no money and no where to go and it’s freezing out there,” the soft voice whined.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk replied with evident remorse. “Just go. If I call the cops you’ll wind up in jail again.”

“At least I’d be warm and get fed.”

As Rob picked his taco he headed to his truck, walking out the exit by the seating area. He looked at the Miki as she gathered her few belongings and shrugged into a filthy fraying military style trenchcoat before she tearfully shambled to the door. Rob paused and held the door open for her as she forlornly trudged into the cold winter wind. As she did so she looked at him with an angry glare as if she wanted to make a cutting comment. Miki’s clothes, while worn, were still feminine but hung from her emaciated body. They desperately need washing. Her hair was dirty and knotted and her eyes were sunken and bloodshot. Even so Rob recognized her as the tween fairy Miki. The last information he’d gathered was that she began to medically transition. While everyone put up with her effeminate appearance, her snarky attitude led to complaints from customers and co-workers which led to her being fired with cause which prevented her from collecting unemployment. Then Covid hit and jobs dissappeared.

Seated in the warmth of his truck, Rob watched Miki shuffle across the street filthy the out of business restaurant trying to seek shelter from the cold wind in the recessed entry. With a sigh Rob pulled onto the highway heading home but couldn’t get the image of her forlorn expression out of her mind. As his thoughts about Miki roiled in his mind, Rob found himself wondering why somebody didn’t help her. Then he shuddered and pulled off on a side road at the top of a hill 2 miles from the minimart.

“Andrea and I were the SOMBODYs at Church for years,” Rob mused as he talked to himself. “We did it because there was a need to be met. We did it because our faith called us to do it. We backed out of being SOMEBODYs when Andrea went down and I’ve never stepped back up. Intersection Unfortunately, no one stepped in to fill our shoes. Damn, that’s what’s wrong at Church. It’s devolved to being all about RELIGION with no regard for FAITH! Religion is following the rules, not you faith.”

“Damn it,” Rob angrily shouted as he slammed his fists on the steering wheel. Then he chuckled remembering the wise words of his grandfather. “It’s okay to talk to yourself. It’s okay to yell at yourself. It’s even okay to argue by yourself. The only time you need to worry is when you argue with yourself and lose!”

With renewed energy, Rob turned his truck around, pulled onto the highway and headed back to the minimart and closed restaurant. It only took a few minutes to return to the intersection. As he made the left turn off the highway his headlights picked up what looked to be a pile of rags in the corner of the restaurant’s vestibule. Pulling up he parked the truck blocking the view of the vestible from the minimart. Leaving the engine running he exited then walked around the truck to the vestible where he simply stood peering at what he hoped was Miki.

The pile of rags shifted allowing Miki to raise her head and peer from the safety of her hood. For a moment they exchanged glares.

“Look mister,” Miki snarled. “I’m not a whore so get lost!”

“Good, I was hoping you weren’t a whore,” Rob replied in a soft voice. “MY name is Rod and I’m not leaving without you.”

“So what the f*ck do you want?” she snarled as she forced herself to stand up menacingly pulling a machete from inside the trenchcoat.

“Well I certainly don’t want that,” Rob nodded toward the weapon.

“I told you I don’t put out,” Miki growled.

“Miki, my wife was bedridden for 9 years as I took care of her,” Rob stated. “It’s been 14 years since she passed on. I’m still loyal to my wedding vows and always will be. I have not dated nor even tried to date anyone. I’ve been abstinent for 23 years.”

“That’s bullshit!” Miki snapped back. “Ain’t NO man can keep it in his pants that long!”

“Well now you have,” Rob smiled. “That’s not to say I haven’t relieved my needs.”

“Just who the hell are you?” Miki demanded.

“Miki, I apologize for offending you,” Rob stated with as much sincerity as he could.

That made her pause. “When did you offend me?”

“Back in 2013 at the Church Halloween Party,” Rob answered. “I was one of the judges and the MC. You and your 3 friends dressed as Disney Fairies. We made sure to give everyone in each age group won a prize. Since we knew your friends, we awarded them the Prettiest, Best Fictional, and Most Unique prizes. All we had left was the Worst, the Bloodiest, Most Stupid and Funniest. So we gave you the Funniest. We judges had no idea you were a boy until you camae up to me later. I was too stunned to reply or deny or explain why we gave you that award. Your indignation, which was deserved, cut me deeply. I’ve never forgotten how I hurt you and It’s been eating at me ever since. I was surprised to see you tonight and it fogged my mind for a bit. I’d started for home but I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I had no choice but to turn around to find you. I really want to help you.”

Miki frowned. “Why?

“I was born in 1951. Life was a lot different back then, especially if a boy felt he was really a girl. I’d learned before I started school that I had to MAN up. I’ve stuffed that part of me deep down, only expressing it and getting a bit of respite by reading and writing transgender stories. I remember how jealous I was, and still am, of your strength to reveal your true self. God I envied you! You were strong enough to be who you really are. You’ve braved more shit than I could have. Look, I’m an old man and I’ll never do more than dream of my self. You’re doing your best to be true to yourself. In fact, in many ways you’re my hero. I’d be honored if you allow me to help you be the woman you are inside.”

As Rob spoke, Miki recalled thhat long ago Halloween Party and her life since then. It certainly was no a bed of roses. What amazed her more was that she actually believed Rob was being honest. “So what are you offering?”

“I live alone,” Rob said. “I'm not rich but my home is paid for. There’s plenty of room for another person. I can provide a warm place to live and help you get back on your feet. All I ask in return is to allow me to live vicariously through you as you make your journey. For tonight, I’ll get you warmed up and we’ll stop at Rutters minimart for some food. Then return to my place where you can have a nice hot shower and a warm bed for the night. In the morning we’ll wash your clothes then just sit and discuss the furture. If you like you can help me cook Christmas dinner.”

Miki felt her empty stomach rumble. Food, a warm bed, clean clothes sounded like heaven. “You’re willing to do that for me?”

“I’ve been coasting since I retired,” Rob confessed. “I need a challenge. In fact, my faith demands I assist you.”

“God, I hope I can trust you,” Miki shivered. “I don’t know if I could handle anymore disappointment.”

Rob assisted Miki getting into the truck, showing her the side step. The truck was toasty warm, a welcome relief from the below zero chilling winds. They drov 5 miles south on the highway to Rutters. Heading inside they went to an ordering kiosk making their selections. Rib paid the tab then they sat to await their order. When it came up, they retrieved their selections and dug in.

Miki was surprised when Rob told her he’d followed her exploits by asking her fellow fairies, with the last losing her job because of her transition. Miki explained she’d been living with her grandmother in her apartment shince she’d been thrown out by her parents. She saved every penny she could to begin her transition and had recieved medical clearance to begin HRT. Her slender body responded well and she’d been developing as a young woman. While her employer had policy in effct to supoort gender transitions, the complaints by redneck customers and coworkers had had been used to terminate her.

During the 15 minutes drive she continued talking. Being jobless, her grandmother allowed her to stay while she sought another job. Then Covid hit and the job market crashed. A year later, her grandmother died of Covid. With no way to pay the rent, she was evicted from the apartment having to live rough.

Once in the home, Miki noted it was clean, solid and most certainly out of style. Still, the hot shower was most welcome as was the comfortable bed. She was quite relieved that Rob allowed her privacy.

Christmas day dawned bright and sharp. After a light breakfast Rob showed her around the home, Miki continued to speak. She headed into the city to the LGBT Center where she was able to get a cot and work in the shelter. Then her downfall began. Beer and wine were easily available as was weed. That lead to harder drugs so in 3 months she was hooked. The shelter kicked her out.

The guy that got her hooked began prostituting her. The next year was a haze. Finally 5 months before a john didn’t like she was a shemale and beat her into unconsciousness. She awoke in a great deal of pain in the hospital. Upon release the autoritis sent her to a 3 month rehab to get her clean. Once released no one offered her help. Being clean and clear headed she understood she couldn’t go back to the pimp. She returned home hoping her parents might help her get back on her feet. They refused so she was left on the streets of their small town. For the last 2 months she’d wandered about getting handouts and living rough. Then Rob found her.

Both were teary eyed and hugged. The hug was fantastic for both because it was simply a hug of love for their fellow human, something Rob hadn’t had for the last 23 years.

Epilogue:
Rob’s daughter lived 250 miles away seldom coming home. She was concerned about Rob’s aging and living alone. She was also aware of his repressed TG and being non-binary, was active in her local LGBT community. So when he called her Christmas day he told her he’d taken a homeless person in to help them as they finished their transition, she was pleased her father had taken the action. The fact he’d been keeping track of Miki for 11 years didn’t surprise her. She came down for an overnight visit to ease her mind about the relationship. She was so pleased she suggested he adopt Miki. As a granddaughter. Miki was stunned by the open endorsement but eagerly accepted. True to his word Rob treated Miki as a granddaughter. She was able to get back in shape and restart her transitioning treatments. Everyone accepted her at face value ans a female. She was able to land a job at the local Lowes. Rob helped her take part time courses at the local community college to become a Medical Laboratory Technician. Together they became active in the County LGBT Community. The last 11 years of Rob’s life were lived filled with contentment. With his daughter’s approval, Miki inherited the house.