Neva Eva, Evan

Why would anyone drink this stuff . . . on PURPOSE? I didn’t even know what it was. Just something that looked like water and smelled like propane. But as it turned out, yeah, unlike Jasmine, I had read The Tragedy of Julius Caesar rather than relying on either Upword or Cliff’s Notes, so drink I must.

“Neva have I eva . . . gone to a dance.” Maeve sounded sad as well as wobbly. She’d done a lot of things, and that turns out to be something of a disadvantage in what I am reliably informed – by my older, wiser, sister – is a classic drinking game. Unless, of course, your actual goal is to get shit-faced drunk, in which case it’s probably dope.

I had to drink on this one, too, since said older sister brought me to her Junior Prom. As part of a group, sure, but still. I was there. God, this stuff sucks!

“Cheer up, girl!” Jasmine over-gushed at Maeve while giving her shoulders a squeeze. “You’ll go! Lotsa guys want to ask you. Right, Austin?”

With his parents away and their liquor cabinet unsecured, Austin was acting as our “host” for the evening. Straight-laced and overregulated most of the time, he had so far not had to take any shots of the vile shit he was pouring. Austin didn’t get to do anything. As a result, he generally gave me the confidence that comes from knowing there are people in the world who are less socially adept than I am.

“Uhhh . . . sure. I guess” was the best answer he could supply to Jasmine’s question, and it clearly earned him no good will in her book. She rolled her eyes and gave Maeve another hug. “Don’t you pay him no mind, girl,” she crooned.

Maeve just pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, causing her knees to poke through the holes in her pre-distressed jeans. “WhatEVER,” she mumbled miserably. “G’wan, Morgan. Your turn.”

I could tell Morgan was only a bit tipsy, since she still maintained perfect posture even while sitting cross-legged on the floor. Her arched back, coupled with the soft, square-necked top she was wearing, emphasized her perfect breasts while making her neck seem longer. Alcohol might make Maeve maudlin, but it definitely made Morgan mischievous. Make that “more mischievous.” Her green eyes twinkled and she smiled wickedly. “Never have I ever . . . had an erection.”

I blurted out, “Hey! Tha’s not fair!” and was a bit alarmed to hear the slurring in my voice.

“Serve’s y’all right.” Jasmine threw a scowl in Austin’s direction.

He blushed – something that comes easily to redheads, I guess. Anyway, it looked like he’d been slapped hard on both cheeks. After canvassing the crowd with a glance, he decided that he and I would get no support from the girls on this one. With a sigh, he knocked back his shot.

He’d read the room right, so I followed his lead, grimacing as the liquid burned down my throat. Then I had an inspiration that would have given me pause under more sober circumstances. Two can game that play! “Never have I ever had a pani-medi!”

Four pairs of eyes looked at me quizzically.

“Mani-pedi!” I corrected, flushing almost as red as Austin.

So original,” Morgan scoffed, but dutifully drank. Jasmine and Maeve clinked glasses and followed.

“A what?” Austin asked, looking befuddled.

“Dude . . . seriously?” Jasmine shook her head.

“What you get for not having any sisters,” Morgan allowed, graciously enough. “A manicure and pedicure,” she womansplained.

His face cleared. “Yeah, no. Haven’t. Wouldn’t even know what it is!” He smiled triumphantly. “Never have I ever worn a bra!”

“See what you started, Morgan?” Jasmine complained. She drank.

“Maybe we should pick a different game.” Maeve took her shot without joy.

“Yeah, this is going down . . . uh. Hill.” I drank.

Four pairs of eyes bored into me.

Oh. Fuck.

“Let’s not stop just yet,” Morgan purred. “I think it’s just about to get interesting.”

Jasmine looked at her quizzically, then smiled. Giving her well-endowed chest a shimmy, she looked straight at me and said, “never have I ever . . . wished my boobs were bigger.”

Maeve, strictly an A-cup girl and not at all happy about it, drained another glass of hot sadness. Near as I could tell, my drama didn’t penetrate her personal misery.

Morgan arched an eyebrow. “Never? Hmmm. Maybe when I was eleven.” She drank almost daintily, then turned her green eyes back to me. “Well . . . Evan?”

“I don . . . I don’t even have boobs!”

Jasmine waved her hand dismissively. “Neither did Morgan, back when she wished they were bigger. C’mon, Evan!”

I shot a petrified look at Austin. He’d been my best friend forever. Since, like, first grade.

He set his glass down carefully. “You don’t have to answer them.” His voice was oddly gentle. “But . . . it’s okay if you do. You know you can trust us, right?”

Tears welled up in my eyes, which really annoyed me. I’m NOT weepy when I’m drunk! The room blurred and seemed to tilt, but somehow I got thumb and forefinger around one of the shot glasses in front of me and brought it, trembling, to my lips.

The blurry space was quiet as a locker room after a six-touchdown loss.

Cool fingers brushed my cheek, and I was surprised to hear what Morgan’s voice sounded like without mischief or malice. “It’s okay. Really. Austin’s right. You can trust us. Let’s just talk for a bit.”

On the other side of the circle, Maeve gave an unladylike hiccup. “No wait. Jus’ one more.” She seemed to be trying hard to annunciate. “Neva have I eva . . . wanned t’kiss Evan.”

I blinked back my tears, puzzled. The room was at an angle, but at least the blur was gone. Mostly.

Jasmine appeared to be just as confused as I felt.

Austin and Morgan shared a look and a secret smile. Then, suddenly and at the same time, they drank.

Oh. Fuck!

– The end. Sorta. Prolly.

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