But these were things I was doing to try and distract myself from one very obvious thing, something that Sarah told me, Annette told me, and that I admitted to Tom only last night.

I’m lonely.

I was still living in my rented apartment, but the deal had gone through on the house and I’m due to sign the contract in a weeks time, although I won’t be moving in right away as there was some work I wanted to have done. Sadly I won’t be visiting it much while it’s being done to check it all out and make sure it’s what I want, my solicitor is doing all the talking with the builders and workmen for me, but I’m getting a cab there a couple of times a week in the evening to check out the progress. Anyway, it’s keeping me busy in a stand off kinda way, plus I need more furniture and stuff for the place, so there’s that planning to do as well.

I quite like the house, it’s a four bedroom detached house in a very nice area, not so big that I would feel lost indoors, but the master and second bedroom both have an ensuite, and the attic is being converted into another bedroom with an ensuite as well. I’m not really sure why I picked that option, I mean, it is only me and I can’t see myself having guests over to stay for quite a while. What does make me happy is the ‘summer house’ at the end of the garden, with a jacuzzi outside that’s protected from any neighbours prying eyes, and the garden is the bit that is big, big enough for me actually need a gardener to look after, as I have no idea what to do beyond pushing a lawnmower. Although to be honest I would just use one of those robot ones.

While doing my window shopping to plan for what I needed to have in the house, making a list and trying to work out if I should buy it myself of get the solicitor to do it instead, I did start buying more clothes suitable for the hotter weather we’re starting to get in the UK now. And I quite liked my small collection of summer dresses, waiting for a warm day to wear one and hoping they really are much cooler to wear on hot days.

I guess as well you’re probably wondering what is going on with Tom. Well, we are still seeing each other, but of course being a teacher makes it much harder for him due to the workload. In the evenings and weekends he is often either marking their schoolwork or preparing for lessons, but we still try to spend at least one full evening a week together. It’s not much, but we talk all the time and when he’s too busy I miss him desperately, but every morning when I wake up I have a text from him, and every evening I get another to say he’s finished work and about to go bed, so we usually have a quick face time chat and depending on how tired he is, a quick bit of play on camera.

But my loneliness is still there, he is my only sustained contact with a human being beyond my hospital appointments and Annette. She told me she is worried about me, and of course, people my age, mental age that is, are notoriously reticent about opening up about those type of things, but she is aware of it and talks to me about it. Sometimes she gets me to open up a little, sometimes hinting at her idea but only ever telling me she won’t give me all the details until it’s confirmed.

Anyway, today Tom has made an effort to get out of school early which had a lot to do with the exams starting before they break up for the summer, and I’m heading out now to meet him for a coffee and I couldn't be more excited about it. Plus it’s a warm day, so I put on my green sundress before going out, checking out how I look and then remove the bra as the straps looked a little weird poking out under the dress straps.

Walking through town I felt great, and without a doubt this type of dress will be perfect on hot days, even though in the actual hot parts of the world they would call this cold. I saw Tom sitting outside a coffee place with a cup ready for me and smiled, hoping he would turn and see me, finally he looked up and I gave him a smile and a wave. He sat there looking at me for a second like he didn't recognise me, but then smiled back and gave me a little wave.

I sat down, sweeping the dress underneath me and the cold seat was a mild shock on my legs, gave him a very happy smile and I said, “Hi.”

He looked me over and said hi back, and knowing how I look sometimes, we kept any public displays of affection minimal, so I reached out for my coffee on the table and brushed my fingers across his hand, just to let him know I appreciate him. He moved his hand away. Not quickly, but he did move out of reach and while I didn’t show it, I was a little hurt.

We chatted about our day and I told him about some of the furniture I had looked at, trying to get an opinion on different styles of sofa and dining table, but he couldn't be drawn in to the conversation. At first I thought it might have been typical male behaviour of not being able to form an opinion on these things, and I completely understand that. If I wasn’t buying it for me, I doubt if I would have had one either.

I tried to get him to talk about his day, how the kids are doing and if he thinks the ones he likes will pass, or if those he doesn’t like will do well enough, but he just seemed a bit distanced from me, always looking around as we sat there. We were supposed to be having an evening together, an enjoyable time being outside and not fucking like bunnies indoors, but it was like he didn’t want to be here.

When I finished my coffee I stood up and said, “I can see your mind is elsewhere, I don’t want to distract you so will head home. Let me know when you’re free next.”

And I turned and walked away. Was I upset? Oh yes. I felt like I had done something wrong, was it something I said or has he finally come to the realisation that he can’t get over what I used to be?

I stopped dead and thought to myself, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ Why am I blaming myself for this, I have done nothing wrong and I looked at my reflection in a shop window to give myself a good talking to and stopped dead.

I said to myself quietly, “Jesus! I look young today!”

This dress made me look more like my physical age, even if my head is still in the space of being a lot older, to the outside world this is what I look like. And of course, that means to Tom as well. He might know what is inside me, but to the world he’s an older man sitting there with a young girl who is flirting a little with him.

I turned to go back to apologise and there he is, standing a metre away. He had come after me and before I said a work he pulled me into a hug with my arms folded up in front of me, holding me close. I buried my face in his chest, I really didn’t want him to see me with tears in my eyes as he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be like that.”

And he just held me and after a while I said, “It’s ok, I didn’t think about how I looked until just now.”

He gave me a gentle squeeze to tell me it’s ok, then he said, “I can’t think of a way to say this that doesn't sound like I’m mean something else, but your place or mine.”

Why does he have to make me laugh? Why is he so good at cheering me up? Oh god, why do I want to jump right here and now, right on the pavement?

I shrugged, trying to hide the thoughts in my head, but he stepped back and said we can head to his car and decide then, We ended up going back to mine, ordering a pizza and drinking a few glasses of wine until we went to bed. We talked through a lot of things, and I hated not being with him as much as I wanted to be, but he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. He suggested we go on holiday together, somewhere abroad, somewhere nice where we could explore a little more about us being together, and he would work harder on getting used to how I sometimes look and act better about it.

I said, “Yes.”

He went back to work the next day and while we talked a lot on the phone, he is still busy and I am a lot more understanding now of how sometimes it can be hard for him. I either need to dress up a bit and wear a bit more makeup to help me look older, or if I want to dress down and be a bit more casual then accept that we’re staying in. Which made going away a problem, I don’t want to be showing my ID every five minutes to avoid him getting arrested, or constantly be trying to look older just to avoid any judging looks. How can we go on holiday together with this extra barrier in the way? Maybe I need to be the grown up in this relationship and break it off with him?

I intended to speak with Annette about it the next day as I was heading there for the usual tests and measurements. Once I sat down on the chair in her office, I took a deep breathe to steady my nerves for talking about such a personal thing. Before I even got much further than an hello, she said, “So, I have a suggestion for you that I would like you to think about very carefully.”

This is new, normally she just wants to ask me how I feel or how I’m getting on. I don’t think she’s ever made a suggestion until well into the session, so I sat up wondering where this is going.

She continues, “Physically you’re around 14 or 15, and you’re struggling to fit in as you clearly can’t go back to anything like the life you had before. So if you can’t go back, I think you need to go forward. You admit you’re lonely and not connecting with anyone other than Tom, and your other attempts at getting to know people, all men, ended up with you having sex with them.”

Well, she’s not wrong in any of this.

“So I think the bast way forward is for you to become what you physically are, a girl on the cusp of adulthood, finding your way in the world and who you are as a woman. Sadly, we have to start the race where we are right now, but after talking to a lot of people I’ve found somewhere who agrees with me in principle and we need your agreement to take the next step. With me so far?”

I nodded, I mean, it’s what I’ve been trying to do, accept who I am and find a new place in the world.

Annette said, “So this means we need to assimilate you into society as who you are, get to know people like you…”

I stopped her saying, “But there’s no one else like me, is there?”

She smiled and said, “Yes, there’s a lot of them.” I think the confusion was very clear on my face as I am sure I would have heard about more people going through what I have by now, and she said, “There are loads of girls on the cusp of adulthood trying to find their place in the world and I think you should meet them.”

As she explained the rest I sat there with my jaw on the floor. Shit. This is big and will effect a lot of things in my life.

Over the next week it was my turn to be distant from Tom, and I apologised for it all the time, just telling him I had a lot to think about after talking to my therapist and will tell him soon. But the truth was I wasn’t sure how I could tell him about it. In the end I had to, and while he was a bit shocked, he said no matter what he will support my decision and that somehow we will work through it together.

But the truth is I wasn’t sure how we could and that scared me more than anything as I think I knew I needed to do this.

At nine am a week later I was waiting outside my apartment building for Annette to pick me up to go and talk over this suggestion with someone, and for a change I was dressed a bit more suitably, a pair of leggings (I thought that was important just to prove I was a woman down there), and a tee shirt, holding my bag with all the things I need and wondering why they can’t give women better pockets. I had put little make up on, just some eyeliner and lip gloss to enhance my femininity and got in her car when she arrived. I felt ridiculously nervous.

Once we arrived at the location, we sat outside an office until we were called in, with the school principal looking at me closely. He said, “Hello Louise, Dr Collins has told me a lot about you. Tell me why I should agree to this?”

I took a deep breathe and said, “Um, well, you obviously know all about me and I’m kinda stuck. It’s hard to know what I shoud do looking like this and I…”

He was smiling at me kindly, and then I sort of broke down a bit, a few tears spilled out of my eyes and I kept apologising for sniffling all the time, but he had handed me a box of tissues, and although I didn’t want to admit to him I was lonely, I did say I felt completely cut off from the world. The principal, Mr Giles, was kind and listened to me talk about my issues as they all tumbled out of me.

He said, “Louise, can I ask if you have any identification on you?”

I pulled my purse out of my handbag and handed over my driving license, which he studied quite intently before handing it back and saying.

“Ok, I’m going to say yes on the following conditions as the local education authority have approved this assuming that I will. Firstly, there must be a space for you, I won’t have any student losing a placement, and that means if a new student arrives and there’s no space, you will have to leave. Secondly, you’re above the age of consent and Dr Collins has hinted that you are sexually active so I expect you to obey the law. Thirdly, You will be a model student and cause absolutely no issues in any way or form at this school. Fourthly, I expect you to do well in all your classes, even those you already have higher degrees in.”

He paused and looked at me, waiting for me to speak, but Annette spoke first saying, “You’ve given her a lot to think about so…”

I said, “Yes to everything.”

Annette looked at me and said I need to think this over before we go any further, but I held my hand up. I had decided and knew this was something I needed if I was ever going to find a new place for myself in the world. But of course there’s another issue to face, so I asked Annette to leave the room for a bit so I could talk to the principal.

Once we were alone I said, “There’s something you need to know.”

And I told him all about me and Tom, my hot teacher, and now potentially my biology teacher, how we had already talked about it but I had no idea Annette was bringing me to the school he worked at, and how we agreed that if I do this our relationship will be limited to being a friends for the immediate future. He sat there quietly thinking about what I had just said, and then he got up saying he would be back in second and he was only outside for mere moments, sitting behind his desk and saying nothing. We seemed to be waiting for something.

Five minutes later there was a knock on the door, a knock I have heard before and the principal called Tom in. When he saw me he was surprised, to be fair, until I got here with Annette I had no idea what school we were going to. What followed was a ten minute conversation where it was explained that even though we were both adults, if I were attend the school as a student then it stops now as I will be a student to everyone here.

I looked at Tom and he nodded immediately and said yes to the principal. He knows that I need this, I need something more than sitting at home with bugger all to do. I turned back to Mr Giles and said, “I completely agree. Let me get Annette back.”

Once we were all back in the room and I had introduced Tom to my Therapist (who offered him a couple of sessions to help him with the whole situation as well), we thrashed through the details together, or Annette and the principal told me what they had already agreed would happen. Funnily enough, being told all of this really did make me feel more like my physical age, the grown ups were deciding what will happen to me, and I was just a passenger. And poor Tom, I felt so sorry for him being pulled into this, but of course as he needed to know everything as well.

So this means that in September I would join Year 11, and the story would be that I have been homeschooled due to my family travelling, which will help to explain some of my knowledge gained via experience and the gaps in my knowledge in not going to school for many years, as well as not quite understanding how teenagers behave towards each other these days. One of the gaps I have is that when I left school, the year I would join was known as the fifth year, but now they’ve gone for a much more obvious system of counting. But they had also agreed something I wasn’t so sure of, that Annette would be my ‘guardian’ for any issues.

I said, “I agree with everything, but I think Annette as my “guardian” is a mistake.”

Annette and Mr Giles look at me, and I said, “If one of the reasons I’m doing this is to socialise with people my physical age, then we need to assume that at some point I will go to their houses and they will come to mine. It would look strange if my “guardian’ isn’t there.”

There was silence, so I added, “I have a suggestion.” And once I told them they agreed.

The only other thing I suggested was at least one other teacher knowing about me, specifically the history teacher if I end up doing that subject. Tom, or Mr Alburn while at school said, “Why the history teacher?”

“Well,” I said, “I know a lot of history and what happens if they talk about something that I don’t only remember from the news, but maybe even was actually at?”

After a short silence, Mr Giles agreed and ten minutes later in walked the history teacher. Everything was explained to them, and he said he thought it was unlikely that anything he covers will be something I experienced, so I just said, “I was in the Army.”

All he said was, “Oh.”

There’s no better way to make someone look at your differently when you’re a 14 year old girl than pointing out you were once a soldier.

Anyway, an hour later I was at home and had invited Annette in and we shared a cup of tea while talking it all over once again, making sure I had all the paperwork I would need on t be be ready for my first day. While we talked I rang my solicitor to make an appointment to see him later today, thinking to myself that being a girl is costing me a fortune in legal fees!

Annette left to go back to work and I headed to the solicitor, finding it funny that for a change I was going to his office and looking at the people working there wondering what the young girl was doing here to see him. Once I sat down with him I said, “I need your help. I think I need a nanny and have no idea what I need to do.”

Basically my idea was to have a pretend ‘guardian’ who could take on the role to any outside observers while I was at school, pay them handsomely and get them to sign an NDA, and I needed him to find a suitable one and do all the first rounds of interviews before I say yes or no to them. Three weeks later I was meeting with a 25 year old woman called Jane who had impeccable references and trained in about everything it seemed they would ever need to know to be a nanny, who agreed to move in with me on the basis of leaving me alone unless needed. She was quite nice, pleasant to talk to and I think looking forward to one of the easiest jobs she will ever have that would pay off all her student loans and give her a lot left over. Seriously, I was prepared to pay a lot for them to pretend to be in charge of me around any other school kids and teachers not in the know.

And then I realised there was a second bonus. Once I move into my new home, handily in the school catchment area, an adult living with the school girl will help avoid any questions. There were a lot of details to resolve of course, but as soon as her current contract was over in a months time she was on a retainer for me.

There was one thing I felt very guilty about, and that was Tom. He was going to be my teacher soon, assuming I pick or get assigned to biology, but we will see each other most day and not be able to be together anymore as I promised Mr Giles it would be over. We often talked about it in bed together, saying that we already felt a bit naughty, adding some spice to our relationship. We talked about exactly when we will need to stop sleeping together and sneaking quiet dates and days out together, but we just couldn’t agree a date to stop.

I moved into my new house, and Jane my ‘guardian’ moved in, and we both giggled as we sorted stuff out. She had the second bedroom and suggested that while I would obviously have the master bedroom, I should maybe make the attic bedroom my ‘school girl bedroom’ so that if I do have friends over we can go up there and it would look more like a teen girls room. Seriously, I think I love her already and gave her a big hug, and she helped me make it look right for a, well, a girl my age. She became a big sister to me, not getting too involved with my life but there if I needed her. Of course, I was paying her a lot of money to do just that, but she was cool, and we agreed the story should be I would tell them she’s my aunt.

She thought Tom was a catch, even agreeing to keep our secret from everyone that we were still seeing each other, but she did say I would need to stop it to protect him once I’m at the school. In the end, we agreed that we were unlikely to be able to stop seeing each other considering we would have a constant reminder almost every day just by being in the same place, but we needed to stop the day I went to school. And then he told me to get a boyfriend.

“Wait, you want to me to get a boyfriend?”

“No, I really don’t, but I think you should.”

I lay back in bed and said, “Ok, if you think I should have a boyfriend then you should get a girlfriend too.”

And somehow we agreed that is what we will do, have a kind of open relationship, even at the risk to what it could mean for us. Then I said, “But let’s find a way to meet once a month?”

He rolled over on top of me, kissing me and I opened my legs to accommodate him as he slid into me. I moaned in ecstasy as he slid all the way in, almost gasping for breath with the intensity of his cock inside me. I will never fail to be amazed at how my body envelopes his, taking his entire length, stretching me each time, making my body tingle as the heat from our conjoined genitals spreads through me.

As he slid backwards and forwards with slow strokes inside me, as I raised my hips to meet him, as he kissed me as I kissed him, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world with this man. I said, not breathed, “I love you.”

He nibbled my ear and whispered, “I love you too.”

It was the first time we had said it to each other, I had known how I felt for ages, Annette tried to get me to admit it without saying it to me directly, but now, with him inside me I said it for the first time, the to say it out loud as well.

As he came inside me, flooding me with his sperm, I felt thankful once again that he was a heavy cummer as I loved the feeling I get from him when it happens, how I grip him with my pussy as I orgasm thanks to him, how he makes me feel. What I feel for him is greater than I have ever felt before, maybe that’s my new hormones, maybe it’s what his cock does to me and how he makes me shiver, lose feeling in my right hand when I orgasm with him inside me, I don’t know.

You could say that by saying it during sex it doesn’t count, but I know different. When a man says it during sex they say it as they feel it in that moment, and maybe once we have settled down he will take it back, I don’t know. But I think it’s true for me.

In the morning we were both up early and got dressed, plus he need to go home before going to work. After we had breakfast together and were dressed, I looked at him and said, “Just so you know, I meant what I said.”

He gave me a quick kiss and said, “I know. I meant it too.”

We sat there in silence thinking about what we had both admitted without saying it again.

He said, “And I also meant what I said, you should get a boyfriend, and yes I will try and get a girlfriend.”

I said, “But what about us?”

He leant over and gave me a kiss, saying, “I don’t think I will ever give you up. Hey, guess what?” I looked at him and shrugged, “You really are my old girl!”

I nudged him in the ribs, then kissed him again, which once again got a bit heavy and I could feel his erection pressing against me so I slid down to my knees, opening his trousers and taking out his very hard cock, already dripping pre cum and I licked it up, taking him into my mouth. Although I was very keen to have sex, blowjobs were a line that it took the man in my mouth to help overcome, and giving him a blowie this morning felt perfect after what we just admitted. To be honest, I quite liked sucking him, but this morning was the icing on the cake and as I licked him from the bottom to the tip, taking him into my mouth and playing with his balls, I made sure I got the most from it, hopefully as much as he was.

I really do like his cock, I just wish I could get more than a couple of inches in my mouth as he is quite big and I’m still growing. Anyway, I felt him start to contract and twitch so I locked my lips around him to make sure I got every drop, swallowing it as fast as he pumped it into mouth.

I sat back on my heels and looked up at him, smiling and he lightly stroked my face as he looked into my eyes, saying, “I’m going to be late.”

I put him away and stood up, looking at him holding my hands behind my back and I said, “Do I look cute?”

“Very.”

“Ok, go to work. I’ll see you soon.”

I watched him walk out the door and get in his car to drive away, and I went to brush my teeth. I had a big day today and didn’t want my breath smelling of cum on my first day of school.

I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I really need to go to the hairdresser for the first time and will speak to Jane later to get some advice as I walked out the door in my uniform and my bag on my back.