I sit on the couch before the TV alongside my parents, each drunk out of their minds after a night of partying, but determined to be there with their only son to celebrate the star of a brand new year. The ball begins its drop, and my parents count down with drunken cheer. When the count hits zero, and the ball hits the ground, they share a quick kiss, sharing anything more explicit for later tonight.

My mother leans into my father, partially out of love and partially just unable to right herself. She asks me, “Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?”

I ball my fists, and stand up with determination. I face my parents, and tell them with all the confidence in the world, “Yes! This is going to be the year that I finally confess to Jason!”

“Hey! Finally!” My dad laughs. They know I’ve had a crush on him since middle school. For years, now, I’ve been wanting to confess to him, but I haven’t had the courage. Now, in my final year of high school, seems like the perfect time!

“So, when are you going to confess?” My mom asks.

“That… I’m not sure yet.”

“And do you have a plan?”

“Not exactly…”

“Meaning no? Well, that’s fine. But keep in mind that if you want to go to prom with him, you’ll have to ask him before any girls get to him first.”

“I know. I just… I’ll get to it, alright?”

“We believe in you, Kenny!” my dad says, raising an empty glass.

“Thanks,” I mutter. I’m glad that my parents are not just accepting, but supportive. Between being gay and crossdressing, I know that not every parent would be happy with what I do, but my parents just want me to be happy. Shouldn’t every parent want that?

I never hid who I was from my parents. Ever since I was 5, I remember being interested in girl’s clothes, and when I asked my parents to let me wear a dress, they were happy to oblige. When I entered high school, my mother also taught me how to do makeup.

One big thing, though, is societal pressure. I don’t want to be ridiculed in school, and I don’t want neighbors talking about me behind my back. When I go out crossdressed, I get changed in a public bathroom, and completely change how I look. I make sure to talk in a higher pitch, use the name Kayla, and don’t talk to anyone I know from school or the neighborhood. Anyone looking at me would just assume that I’m a cute high school girl.

At home, I constantly crossdress. Right now, I’m wearing a pink and white striped tank top, black lace shorts, and black thigh highs. I’ve also got my hair tied up in a pony tail. My natural hair is fairly short, but I’ve got several wigs that I wear. The long blonde one that I’m wearing right now is probably my favorite, but I think that it’s fun to cycle between them all. I love how I can change my look up so drastically in terms of length, color, and style.

I lie in bed thinking about how I might confess. I’m not the kind of person to make a big deal of things, and I hate that I have to actually confess. Just like I never come out as gay, it’s just a thing! It’s who I am and it doesn’t matter! So why can’t I just be with Jason without an embarrassing confession?

I smother my face with my pillow and kick my feet against the bed. Taurus, my chihuahua guard dog, barks at the sudden commotion, but quiets down as I pull him tight against my chest and give him a kiss.

“I’m sorry, boy. I’ll be quiet now, alright? This problem can wait until tomorrow.”

Of course, I say that, but my mind is still buzzing like a swarm of bees. I barely get any sleep. Unfortunately, January 1st is a Monday this year, so I wake up groggy in the morning. It doesn’t help that I have to get dressed in a plain boy’s uniform and force myself to drag my feet through another day of boredom.

Unable to sleep, I wake up early and spend a lot of time in the shower. I also make sure to shave my face, legs, and arms. I hate how quickly the hair grows. Even if I’m not trans, I might still do electrolysis or such to get these hairs off of my body permanently.

After I eat shower and eat breakfast, I return to my room to get dressed for school. I stare at my dull self in the mirror, wearing a white polo and khakis. At least my hair in this form looks fairly decent, but everything else is just sad. I throw on a school-approved gray jacket on, and head out to catch the bus.

School is a slog, but at least in my final class of the day, I can see Jason. I’ve been just walking through class like a zombie until now, but when I see him walk into class, butterflies flutter in my stomach. He nods at me, and sits in the seat in front of me.

“How was the New Years weekend?” he asks.

“Same old,” I Mumble.

“Yeah, I hear you. All I did was stay in and eat pizza. Oh, but I did watch an interesting movie!”

With a glimmer in his eyes, Jason explains the plot of the movie that he watched. Something about a girl and guy who cross through a train tunnel and mess with time. I don’t think I quite get it, but Jason seems excited about it, so I figure I’ll give it a shot. Maybe he’s just not able to give a great summary because of the limited time before class starts. I’ll be sure to talk to him on the weekend to tell him about what I thought of the movie.

Class starts, and I pay just as much attention to it as I do in any other class, which is to say zero. Jason sitting in front of me just claims all of my attention. His curly brown hair, his petite frame, his tan skin, and this overall aura of sweetness. I really do think I could melt anytime I think about him. And as I take a deep breath to try and clear my thoughts, his scent fills my body, and I just about lose it.

Somehow, I escape the class with my wits intact, though I think I mutter something about a tunnel as I leave the room. I’ll try not to cringe too hard at that thought.

The best way to clear my thoughts is to crossdress! So, as soon as I get home, I pack up some girl’s clothes and a blond wig, and head out to town. I visit a public restroom in the corner of the park that basically never gets used. Not only is it far cleaner than most restrooms around here, but since people rarely use it, I don’t ever have to worry about someone seeing me. I get dressed up in a long brown skirt, some black tights, a long sleeve floral top, a red jacket, and some brown boots, then stick my head out to make sure that nobody is watching. Once I’m sure I’m in the clear, I walk out of the bathroom. My boy’s clothes are in my backpack, along with a bit of money so I can go shopping, and maybe get a bite to eat.

I walk around downtown for a bit, doing some window shopping. I notice quite a few heads turn to look at me as I walk by. But I’m not interested in any of those weirdos. I only have eyes for Jason! Well, him and some of the cute clothes in the stores.

I’m not paying attention to where I’m walking, as I’m eying the cute clothes in the window of a store. It seems that neither is the girl that I run into, as we walk into one another, and and up sprawled on the ground.

I let out a yelp not too dissimilar to one that my puppy Taurus might let out. The girl that I ran into just hisses in pain. She eyes her hands, which seem to have been scraped as she caught herself.

“I’m so sorry!” I tell her, taking her hands to get a look at them. She pulls back, though.

“It’s fine!” she says, with obvious anxiousness in her voice. She’s a really cute girl, with long brown hair and tan skin. She’s wearing skinny jeans and a fluffy sweater with kittens on it. She looks to be about my age.

“I don’t have any bandaids on me, but let me run to the pharmacy down the street really quick, ok?”

She holds her hands back away from me, and looks up at me, before quickly looking back to the ground.

“Just stay here,” I tell her.

Moments later, I return with some bandaids, baby wipes, and an antibiotic spray. The girl is sitting on a bench, staring down at her hands.

“Are you alright?” I ask as I sit down beside her, plopping the bag of goods between us. She jumps a bit, not realizing that I had returned.

“I’m fine! Really! You didn’t have to go our of your way like this!”

“No, it was my fault that you fell. I can’t let a cute girl get hurt because of me and not do anything!”

“I’m not that cute…”

“Of course you are! Now, let me see your hands.”

She hesitates for a moment, before looking up at me, and then tentatively offering me her hands. I clean them with the baby wipes, then spray them with the antibiotic spray. She flinches as I do, but I hold her wrists firm, preventing her from pulling back. Finally, I put a bandaid on each of her hands. The scrapes are pretty tiny, but I still have to take responsibility.

“Thank you,” she mutters.

“Of course! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here before, have I? I feel like I would remember such a cute girl.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’m from out of town. I’m here visiting family. My name is Lily.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Kayla! Downtown is pretty nice, I come here pretty often.”

“You go to school around here?”

“Ah? Yeah.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Cool. Georgetown High?”

“Right…” I nod my head. Maybe I should be careful saying where I go to school when nobody at that school has ever seen me? But it’s probably fine since Lily is from out of town.

“Same as my cousin, then. Anyhow, I should probably get going, I wouldn’t want to take up too much of your time.”

“No, no! You’re fine! Actually, can I offer to buy you food from somewhere? Oh, but it would have to be somewhere cheap, though.”

She rubs her hands together, thinking. “Ok. I think that getting a quick bite is probably fine. Oh, but I’m paying for my portion!”

“That’s fine.”

We walk over to the local fast food burger joint, order our food, and sit down. She seems shy, and just plays with the sleeve of her sweater as she looks down at the table.

“So,” I start awkwardly, “are you liking the city so far?”

She nods her head, and provides no more dialog.

“Cool.” It’s clear that this is getting nowhere, and I don’t want to bring up family or school in case one of her family members goes to the same school as I do, so I decide to pivot. “You know, that’s a really cute sweater! And we were both looking at clothes when we ran into one another! Do you like fashion?”

I can see a bit of a smile on her face. “Yeah.”

“Me, too! And you must like makeup, too, since your makeup is so on point! What brand do you use?”

“Ah? Well, I just borrow my sister’s makeup, and I let her do it, so I don’t really know…”

“I could offer some brands that I think would look good on you and don’t cost much.”

“Really? That sounds great!” she looks up at me with a smile, but shoots her gaze back down just as quickly. She fidgets with her hair for a bit. Is she still mad that I hurt her or something?

The rest of the meal goes by in mostly silence. I think about offering to go look at clothes with her, but she clearly seems uncomfortable, and I don’t need her snooping into my life, so I figure we should end things here.

“I hope I run into you again before you head back home,” I tell her.

“Ah, right… Maybe I’ll come into town tomorrow, as well.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it!”

With that, we part ways. I think about offering her my number, but figure that maybe it’s for the best that we not get too close. She seems nice, but if she were to find out that I’m a crossdresser, things could get bad…

I return home after changing, a bit frazzled, but overall having had a fun time. I tell my parents about my day, then change back into girl’s clothes, do my homework, read for a bit, then go to bed.

The following day at school, I’m sitting in the library before classes start. I’ve typically got ten minutes or so to enjoy to myself before I have to drag myself to class. Jason appears, early for once in his life, and plops his backpack on the ground next to me.

“Sup,” he says.

“You’re early. Is the world ending?”

He laughs. “Nah, I’m just in a bit of a good mood! I met a cute girl yesterday, and couldn’t get any sleep!”

“I don’t know if losing sleep would put me in a good mood, but good for you.”

“Come on! Don’t you at least want to hear about this girl?”

I sigh and close my book. Do I want to hear about my crush’s crush? No, not really. But as one of his best friends, I guess I have to.

“Fine, let’s see if I approve of her for you.”

“What are you, my mom?”

“You’re my best friend, I can’t let you hook up with just any girl.”

He crosses his arms and frowns. “She’s not just any girl, you know! She’s the cutest girl I’ve ever seen! She has beautiful pale skin without a single freckle or mole! And long blonde hair! You know I love blondes! She has the voice of an angel, and the heart of one, too! I kind of stumbled into her and knocked her down, and she ran to the pharmacy to get a bandage. See?”

Jason shows me his hands, which are bandages just the same as I bandaged Lily’s hands. And, just like Lily, he has tan skin. And his frame is about the same. Not to mention that the girl he mentioned seems to fit me, with pale skin and blonde hair.

“Did you at least get her name?” I ask.

“Of course! Her name is Kayla!”

I just about slam my head into the table that I’m sitting at, but I manage to control myself.

“I see! She sounds nice. I hope you two get along.”

He nods his head. “Yeah, no kidding! But she actually said that she goes to this school! I’ve never seen her around, but maybe she’s an underclassman.”

“Yeah, probably. There’s, what? 1,500 students in this school? It makes sense that you wouldn’t have seen her if you don’t have similar classes.”

“I guess so. Maybe she takes the smart kid classes?”

“Maybe!”

“Well, I’m going to be seeing her again today. Maybe I’ll try to get her number!”

“Ah? Well, I don’t know… on just your second date?”

“It’s not technically a date, and neither was our last outing.”

“Then not even on your first date? Jeez, man, don’t come on too strong, now!”

“Really? How long should I wait?”

“Uh. I mean, clearly, the girl should be the one to dictate such things, you know?”

“Is that how it works?”

“Of course! The girl is in charge of the relationship, at least in those that work out. If the guy tries to take charge, the relationship is doomed to fail.”

He considers that for a moment. “We have a patriarchal society, and something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Maybe you’re right?”

“Of course I’m right!”

He nods his head. “You’re a genius! Alright, I’ll let her take the lead then!”

Of course, the big issue here is that I already have Jason’s number in my phone. I’m glad we didn’t exchange numbers yesterday or that would have been extremely awkward! But I’ve brought myself time now to find a texting app so I can give him that number instead.

More importantly, it turns out that Jason crossdresses, and that he has a crush on me… or at least my cross dressing form. This might just be the opportunity that I need!

After school, I grab some girl’s clothes and change in the park just like yesterday. I wear the same blond wig, but wear a long black dress with some thick tights beneath it. I also wear a cardigan and a floral hair clip. I study myself in the bathroom mirror after putting on my makeup and clothes, and nod at myself. I’m totally cute!

Yesterday, Lily and I were kind of noncommitmental in regards to meeting back up, so we didn’t really set up where we might meet up. I figure that we might as well meet up where we did yesterday, in front of the clothes store. Of course, we also didn’t set up a time, so there’s no telling just how long I might spend there, or if she’ll even come at all. Heck, she might be waiting somewhere else for me, like at the burger place.

Luckily, it isn’t too long before Lily arrives. I was only waiting for about 10 minutes, which is pretty good. I did rush here directly after school after all, and she probably had to bother her sister about doing her hair and makeup.

Wait? Should I be calling Jason by female pronouns right now? It’s kind of tough to think of him as a guy when he looks like that. For now, I’m sticking with she/her pronouns and the name Lily while she is like this.

“Hey! I’m glad I can see you again!” Lily smiles as she approaches. She holds herself in a rather reserved manner, but it seems that my conversation with her earlier today may have given her a confidence boost. She has a crush, and even if she doesn’t plan to do anything about it, she wants to spend as much time with me as possible. Ironically, I feel the same way about her male self, Jason, so I know exactly how it feels to have to hold yourself back.

“Of course! So, did you have any ideas for what you would like to do today?”

“Oh, well… Yesterday I was going to take a walk in the park. It may be winter, but it isn’t really all that cold, and the park still looks exceptional in the winter.”

“Yeah! I love walking around here, whether it be by the park or the shops!”

Of course, I do also love trying on clothes, but the big issue with that for both of us is that we know each other's bodies too well – in a perfectly clean sense, mind you. We’ve been friends for a long time, and have taken gym classes together. Things like birthmarks and moles could spoil our identities. I already know who Lily really is, but she still doesn’t realize who I am, and I would really rather she not find out. After all, if she sticks with her excuse of just visiting family for the holidays, I’ll likely only have a small amount of time with her.

So, I figure that I may as well have fun with her while she is sticking to this. And when that time is up, well, it’ll suck, but it will be a memory that I’m sure that I’ll never forget. And maybe what I’m doing is wrong. But my heart is pounding so hard right now that it’s drowning out my internal thoughts that might be telling me to not lead her on.

We walk through the park together, side by side. The park is often packed with people on the weekends or during holidays, especially on days when it’s nice outside. On a cold weekday in January, it’s pretty dead. But I actually prefer it that way, giving me plenty of space to just enjoy myself. I can run, climb trees, and relax as I please. And though we may not get snow this far south, and there may not be leaves in the trees during the winter, the park still looks nice. Statues, a fountain, and winter plants keep the park and surrounding area attractive even during the dead season.

As we walk, we talk a bit. I’m careful not to bring up any subjects that might force her to lie or stumble over her words, such as any information regarding her family or where she’s from. She’s also careful not to bring that up, incase I return such questions.

“Do you have any pets?” she asks.

“Yeah, I have a little dog.”

“Oh! That’s nice! My friend has a little chihuahua! He’s the most adorable thing in the world!”

“I know, right? I’m always so surprised with tiny dogs like that! How can they be so tiny and precious? What about you? Any pets?”

“Ah, no…” she laughs the question off. The truth is that she’s allergic to dogs. She can only handle so much time with Taurus before she falls into a sneezing fit. But she doesn’t bring all of that up. “I really do love them, though! Dogs, cats, reptiles, they’re all super cool!”

Theres real love in her eyes as she talks about animals. I feel bad for her, since she can’t actually keep a pet like a dog or a cat because of allergies. And her mother is absolutely against any reptiles or amphibians. Fish are probably the only thing on the table, but they can be difficult to take care of. They’re also pretty expensive.

“Well, it’s clear to me that you’re a really nice girl,” I tell her. By this point, we’re at the far end of the park, near where I change. There’s nobody else around. “Actually, I could tell that the second that I met you.”

She blushes and looks down. “Thanks. You’re clearly super nice, too.”

“And you’re so adorable! I wish you could look at yourself when you’re looking down so bashfully!”

She turns away from me a bit, and hides her face. “It’s really not fair for someone like you to call me cute!”

I take a step towards her, and take her hand. She looks up at me with surprise.

“When I say something, I mean it! You’re cuter than any other girl I’ve ever seen! And from the moment I met you, I think I fell in love.”

Her eyes go wide. “Huh?”

“Lily, I like you. I know you may just be here for a short while, but would you like to go out with me?”

Lily is so stunned that she literally can’t even speak for a solid minute. When she does open her mouth, a series of confused noises escape.

“Huh? Eh? What?”

“I’m sorry if this is sudden, but I figure that we might not really have time to waste, so I may as well tell you this. I really like you.”

Lily brings her hands to her face, holding her cheeks, potentially in an attempt to hide just how red her face has gotten. She looks like a pure maiden, as adorable as any girl out there.

“But, but… we’re both girls?”

I laugh at that. “Seriously? It’s fine! Gender is irrelevant! If I felt this way towards a guy versus a girl, it wouldn’t matter. What I like is your personality, and how adorable you act. You’re pretty, too, of course, but looks aren’t everything.”

She looks up at me, and I swear I can hear her heart pounding. Or maybe that’s mine. She shakes her head.

“No… no. I just can’t.”

I hold my hands up. “No! That’s fine! I won’t force you into anything, you know! I’m happy to just stay friends!”

She shakes her head even harder this time. “No! It isn’t about that! You see, I… I’m keeping a secret from you.”

“Ah?”

She’s trembling, and not from the cold. She’s anxious and afraid about telling me the truth.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” I tell her. I mean, I already know, of course, but she doesn’t realize that. “Besides, I have my fair share of secrets.”

“But it’s nothing like what I’m hiding!” she screams, grabbing hold of both of my wrists. Tears are now streaming down her face, and she sobs as her nails dig into my wrists.

Damnit! I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut! Now I’ve mad her cry and pushed us both into a corner! From here, it seems that either she has to admit that she’s a crossdresser, or I have to admit that I am. And it isn’t really fair to force someone to tell a secret like that.

I carefully pry her hands away from mine, and then pat her on the head.

“Relax. I know that secrets can be difficult, and I can’t force you to tell me something so deep. I was hoping that it wouldn’t come to this, but at this point, I think I’ve forced my hand. Lily, the secret is that I am a crossdresser.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I know that I’m really pretty, but that’s years worth of practice, as well as some lucky genetics. The fact of the matter is that I’m a guy.”

“My first crush… is a guy?”

I laugh. “Well, that wouldn’t be too unusual for a girl, would it?”

She gasps, realizing that she’s kind of let her true thoughts out there.

“It’s fine!” I tell her. “I’m queer, after all.”

She looks down at her feet, seemingly stuck between telling me everything, and running away. But after what I’ve told her, I think that she’s not willing to run away. Plus, even if I am a guy, I think she may still have feelings for me.

“Kayla… I… I’m a crossdresser, too. My real name is Jason, and I go to school around here. You’ve probably seen me in the halls.”

“Ah, yeah… about that, I kind of knew.”

“What? How?”

“Uh…” I pause as I look around the park. There’s nobody here but us. I didn’t really want to show my other side to Lily, but I think I probably have to now. I bring my hand up to my wig slowly, and pull it down. “Hey, Jason… this is pretty awkward, huh?” I ask in my normal boy voice.

“Kenny? Are you kidding me?” Jason asks, dropping the girl voice. He catches himself, then continues in Lily’s voice. “Put the wig back on before someone sees!”

I replace the wig, then give an awkward laugh. “Yeah, so you kind of confessed to me earlier today in the library. Awkward, right?”

Lily groans. “I thought that I was in love! But you’re just a boy, and my best friend no less!” He facepalms, and then thinks for a moment. “Hey, wait? Was this whole confession thing just to make me admit to crossdressing? Wait, why were you crossdressing in the first place?”

“Uh, well, the truth is that I’m into crossdressing. And, no, I didn’t really want to force either of us to come out in regards to crossdressing, I was just hoping to have fun with Lily for a bit.”

Lily thinks for another minute. “You said that you were queer…”

“Right. I’m gay. I’m a dude, and I like dudes, though I typically prefer them to not crossdress. Still, you look cute like this, so I can make an exception.”

She blinks. “Wait? What?”

I put a hand gently on each of her shoulders, and look her in the eyes. Then I shake her as hard as I can.

“Get! This! Through! Your! Head! I have a crush on you!”

“On Lily? But she’s not real!”

“On Jason, you idiot!”

Her eyes go wide. “What?”

I sigh. “Yeah. I’ve had a crush on you for a while, now. But I’ve been too much of a coward to confess. I was hoping that this being my senior year, I would finally have the guts to do so, but thinks kind of strayed from the path that I wanted to take.”

Lily seems to be thinking for a long moment. “If I were to date you, would I be allowed to date Kayla? And would I be allowed to date as Lily?”

“Of course! I love going out as Kayla! And even if I prefer Jason, I’m still happy to take Lily out on dates, or even just to hang out!”

“Then… I think I can accept your confession. I don’t think I’m gay, but I have an open mind.”

I smile, and take her hands. “Awesome! I know that this date has taken a turn for the weird, but there’s still plenty of time before my curfew! What do you say we continue to enjoy ourselves?”