Chapter 15
Unveiling our plot

  Inside at Mike and Lisa’s, we ate at their kitchen table. While eating, we talked about all the things we saw at the games. After, we retired to their family room with coffee. Lisa watched me as I sat down. Without thinking, I smoothed the skirt ah kilt under me with one hand and pulled my legs back and to the side, crossing them at the ankle. She sat opposite me.

  “You know Alex, that you really have handling that kilt down. I’d say you were as adept at it as a woman with many years of experience. Not once today did you come close to flashing your underwear.”

  “He’s been practicing,” Carrie put in.

  “Practicing? How much practice could he have gotten? On the fourth you said you were looking into getting kilts. Even if you managed to get one the next day, that would only have given him two weeks, and he couldn’t practice the whole time. He does have a job.”

  “True, but I thought it would be a good idea for him to gain some experience prior to spending the money on a kilt only to find out he was a complete dufus when it came to managing the thing.”

  Lisa raised her eyebrows questioningly.

  “I have a pleated skirt the same length as that kilt, so I had him wearing it or another of my skirts every night and all weekend for about a month. When I was sure he was adept at it, I ordered our kilts.”

  “You had him in your skirts?”

  “Sure, they’re just clothes. I even had him try on blouses because I knew that I’d have a hard time coming up with a traditional Scottish men’s top for the games.”

  “You mean the top he has on now is a…a blouse?”

  “Matching mine. I thought we should match as much as possible.”

  Lisa eyed me up and down; then looked at Carrie the same way.

  “Well, you certainly did a good job of that; the only way you could match more would be to wear matching underwear.” She speared Carrie with a challenging look.

  Carrie just sat there with a smug look on her face. It was a stare down. Lisa blinked first.

  “You didn’t. He’s not really… is he?”

  Carrie looked at me as I glanced at Mike. His eyes were as big as saucers. He knew this was it. Carrie was ready to unveil our plot.

  “What if we did? It’s just clothes. If he likes it, then there’s no harm, no foul. I’m good with it.”

  “But really,” she paused to look me over again, “that would make him a cross-dresser.” She turned her hard gaze to me. “What were you and Mike, girlie boys back in middle school? He told me he’s been doing it since before you guys met.”

  “I knew nothing about cross-dressing except that it existed before you came over to complain to Carrie about Mike. I certainly didn’t know that Mike was a cross-dresser before that.”

  “So, how long have you been cross-dressing?”

  I glanced at Carrie. “About eight months.”

  “Eight months… you expect me to believe that? Why would you suddenly start cross-dressing?”

  “I can answer that,” Carrie interjected. “I asked him to.”

  “Why would you do that? I can’t imagine any woman asking her husband to do that.”

  “Well I did. I did it because when I tried to convince you that a cross-dressing husband wasn’t really a bad thing, you claimed that if it was my husband, I wouldn’t think that way. Well I was sure that I would and I felt that I needed to prove that to you. So I explained to Alex what I wanted him to do and why. I told him that if he would try it and like it, then I could prove to you that my opinion about cross-dressing was valid and that maybe if you could see that I was really OK with it, you’d lighten up on Mike.”

  Lisa sat there doing an imitation of a goldfish. She looked back and forth between Carrie and me.

  “Lisa,” I said softly, “don’t you realize that Mike is miserable since you demanded that he give it up?” She just looked at me a moment and then looked at Mike. Mike nodded his head slowly. “If you’d take the time to do some online research, you’d see that asking Mike to quit would be like asking an eagle not to fly. Flying is at the core of what an eagle is. And Mike, as a cross-dresser is like that; cross-dressing is at the core of who Mike is. Again, if you looked online objectively, you’d find out that the incidence of homosexuality is slightly less, about four percent, amongst cross-dressers than it is in the general population, about four point seven percent.

  “I’ll admit that before Carrie started me on this harebrained scheme of hers, I would have had no idea what a hold cross-dressing would have on him. Now that I’ve tasted the fruit, I don’t think I could ever go back.”

  “Don’t you see that Mike loves you and wants to stay married to you?” Carrie asked.

  “That’s why he’s going to the shrink, to be able to stay with you. Mike, would you be willing to share what the counselor’s views are about it?”

  Mike looked at me panicked.

  “He said he could cure you, didn’t he Mike?” Lisa wanted to know.

  Mike stammered a bit, then said, “Actually no, he didn’t. He said we could explore my motivations and that he could help me understand myself better. He said that whether I’d stop or not would be a decision I’d have to make down the road after I had a better understanding of what cross-dressing meant to me.”

  “But I wanted you to see him so he could cure you… help you to stop wanting to do it.”

  Carrie offered softly, “Lisa, therapy doesn’t work that way. A therapist can only help a person to understand themselves and do what they themselves need to do to keep their sanity.”

  “I looked it up. Among transgender people, cross-dressers are included in transgender, 98% of those who have experienced negativity from others have suicidal thoughts and 51% actually attempt suicide. Whereas only point five percent of the actual population have attempted suicide.”

  “Mike, have you ever thought about suicide,” Lisa asked, obviously alarmed.

  Mike hung his head.

  “Yes, when you caught me and started screaming about how you couldn’t trust me, and then you talked about divorce, and then you stormed out of the house,” he said softly. “I went to my gun cabinet and opened it. I loaded my 270 and figured out how to reach the trigger with the barrel in my mouth. But I chickened out an ended up falling on the floor and crying.”

  “You actually put the barrel in your mouth and were going to pull the trigger?”

  Mike didn’t look up but nodded.

  “Oh my God, Mike,” Lisa said as she enveloped him in a hug.

  That confession from Mike took us all by surprise. I knew the statistics, but you know how it is, those kinds of things happen to other people, not you and not your friends. But looking at Mike with tears running down his cheeks put a face on those statistics.

  Lisa was crying too.

  “What can we do, honey? I don’t want you to die.”

  Mike found his voice again. “The therapist is helping. I’ve come to understand that cross-dressing isn’t just a part of me and neither good nor bad; it just is. But thinking of you leaving me has had me in a funk that I couldn’t get out of.”

  “Do we need to give your guns to Alex for safekeeping?”

  Mike shook his head no. “If I did get suicidal, there are plenty of ways to do it that don’t involve guns.”

  “You’re not still considering it. are you?”

  “Not really, though I do think about it whenever you go all hardline and tell me how you won’t put up with...”

  “How about if I promise not to leave you and to work with you to come to an understanding? Maybe I could talk to your therapist and find out what I could do to help you cope.”

  Carrie stood and put her hand on Lisa’s shoulder.

  “It looks like you guys need to talk. Alex and I will let ourselves out so you can work through this in private.”

  Lisa looked as if she was surprised we were there.

  “Thank you guys for caring enough to do this. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you any grief.”

  “No worries. We were glad to do what we could.”

  As we walked out, I looked back at Mike, and gave him a thumbs-up. He nodded.

Chapter 16
A surprise visit

  It was the third weekend in August. Carrie had yet to convince me that I could go out and about dressed and not cause a scene. Though it was on my mind a lot, I knew that one day I would, but I just couldn’t work up the cojones for it. Carrie had, a little at a time, picked up some things to augment my feminine wardrobe. As a matter-of-fact, she was out on this Saturday doing just that. I opted to stay home and practice walking in the two-and-a-half inch heels she’d ordered from an online store. These weren’t the wide-heeled thing that my sandals were; no, these were spikes. OK, not in the classic sense; the heel was only about half an inch wide and did take some effort to keep the wobble out of my step.

  To that end, I was traversing the hallway from the front room to the kitchen and back. I was on my fourth lap and had just taken two or three steps toward the kitchen when behind me, I heard, “Knock, knock” and the front door open.

  I spun around to see Mike standing in the doorway. It hadn’t been unusual for us to do that at each other’s houses. He came in grinning. I was in full makeup, Carrie insisted that I should become proficient at the art. I was wearing a lightweight summer dress with a halter top and a full knee-length skirt.

  Mike stepped and closed the door. “Oh God, Alex, you look so perfect. I’m jealous.”

  I was near panic.

  “Is Lisa with you?”

  “No, she called Carrie and found out she was at the mall and went off to have lunch with her. She said something about needing to talk to another cross-dresser’s wife.”

  That put my mind at ease, though it would take some time for my heart rate to confirm that.

  “Does she know you’re here? I mean, you’re not going to get in trouble for going off the reservation, are you?”

  “Actually, she suggested that I come over here. I really want to thank you for going along with Carrie’s crazy scheme… it worked. Lisa followed through with the idea of talking to my therapist. Yesterday was her third visit with him. Her attitude has really softened.”

  I had to sit. My body was tingling all over.

  “Let’s go into the kitchen and get a cold one.”

  Mike followed me in, and I got us each Coors, and we sat across the table from each other.

  “I love that dress. Your makeup is great too. It’s not overdone. Did Carrie do it for you?”

  “No, she says I need to learn to do it myself, so I practice every weekend. But tell me more about Lisa’s attitude change.”

  “Well, it’s not a 180-degree change, but she’s softened. That suicide statistic you quoted got to her, especially since the therapist backed it up. Lisa says she now realizes that cross-dressing isn’t something I choose to do, but something that I need to do. She’s allowed me to tell her a little of the history. You know, I started when I was nine, and really, up until she caught me, I hadn’t gone more than a month or so without. The longest time was when I was in the service. Even then, on leave, I often headed to the nearest thrift shop to buy a dress and a nighty. Then, to a discount shop for bra and panties. I’d spend much of my leave time in drag. Never daring to go out of my hotel room. High and tight isn’t exactly a feminine hairstyle.”

  “She really suggested you come over here, knowing that Carrie was at the mall?”

  “Yeah, she told me that while she’s not ready to see me dressed up, she now realizes that I need to. Her idea is that maybe once or twice a month, since you’ve become a cross-dresser too, that maybe I could come over here and could have some girl time. She suggested that I could buy some things and maybe you and Carrie would let me store them here.”

  “Subject to Carrie’s approval, I don’t think that would be a problem.”

  Just then, my phone rang with Carrie’s ringtone.

  “Hi hon,” I answered.

  “Hi, Lisa called me and we met for lunch. I thought I should warn you that Mike is probably on his way over.”

  “Too late. He’s already here.”

  “Were you still wearing what you were when I left?”

  “Yeah, just like old times, he let himself in and saw me in all my glory.”

  “How’d he take it?”

  “He likes the outfit, and he’s jealous.”

  Carrie laughed and said, “I’ll bet; you’re looking pretty good today. Did you know I took a picture of you?”

  “No, when did you do that?”

  “When you were at the mirror in the bedroom. It’s a great picture. The reflection shows a full-frontal view, while it shows the full-back as well. I wanted it to be candid so I turned the flash off on my phone.”

  Then I remembered that she had told me early on that the only people besides us who might see the pictures she had of me would be Lisa and maybe by extension, Mike.

  “Look, with what Lisa’s been telling me, I was wondering how you would feel about them having dinner with us tonight. We’ve got that big pot of stew on. You have been keeping an eye on it haven’t you?”

  “Yeah, it’s down on simmer, and I stir it every hour or so.”

  “Good, well we always have a lot left over, so there’ll be plenty to go around.”

  “It’s fine by me.”

  I heard her away from the phone. “So what do you say Lisa; dinner at our house tonight?”

  A muffled answer that sounded like, “Sure,” and something else I couldn’t make out.

  “Great,” and the back on the phone to me. “Lisa just confirmed that she wants to come over.”

  “Call me when you get ready to head home, I’ll change into something more androgynous.”

  “No need. The first thing she asked me when we sat down to eat was if you were still cross-dressing. I told her that you were and showed her that picture I just told you about and told her that it was what you were wearing when I left the house. She surmised from my end of the conversation that Mike caught you wearing it, and just now she told me that you shouldn’t change, because she’d like to see it in person.”

  I was stunned.

  “But Mike just told me that while she’s softened her stance, that she wasn’t ready to see him dressed.”

  “Not him, maybe, but apparently she’s OK with seeing you.”

  “OK, but I’m not sure I’m ready for her to see me.”

  “She saw you at the Highland Games. And you know that sooner or later, you’ll need to be seen. Besides, you need someone objective to offer an opinion of how you look.” Then I could hear some shuffling, and she said in a lowered voice, “It’s good for her as well. If she can be around you and learn to be comfortable, then perhaps she’ll come to be able to see Mike.”

  “OK, I’ll suck it up. I’ll be uncomfortable though. I’ll do it as part of our plan to help Mike.”

  We ended the call with me still unsure I liked the idea of Lisa seeing me. Mike had been sitting, listening the whole time.

  “Sounds like Lisa’s coming over here.”

  “Yeah, you guys are going to help us eat this stew,” I said, getting up to give the pot a stir.

  “Good, I’ve been smelling it since we sat down. It smells delicious.”

  I was feeling really uncomfortable about being fully en femme around Mike, but for the same reason that I started this, I resolved to stick it out. The way I was feeling now, I couldn’t fathom how much that would amplify when Lisa got here. At least Mike was a kindred spirit, while Lisa had, not so long ago, been hostile toward the idea of cross-dressing. On a small level, I regretted ever starting down this road, though I had to acknowledge that now that I was this far down the road, I wouldn’t turn back even if I could. My feminine side had grown too strong to let that happen.

  Mike pulled me out of dismal thoughts when he asked, “That’s a new dress. What else do you have that’s new?”

  I stuck a foot out beside the table.

  “These shoes. I’ve had them about a week.”

  “I thought they had to be new. I don’t remember seeing anything like them in your closet. You walk in them pretty well, considering you’ve only had them a week, or are they not your first pair of heels?”

  “No, they’re my first pair of real heels. I’ve worn them every evening since I got them. I still have to think about how to put my foot down, but the muscle memory is getting there. I can walk in them and chew gum at the same time.” I grinned at my attempt at humor.

  Mike and I were in the bedroom surveying the recent additions to my wardrobe when Carrie and Lisa showed up. I heard them talking as they came in. My heart stopped. I had finally managed to get used to being in a dress around Mike, but now Lisa was here. Trying hard to breathe normally, I turned to Mike.

  “I’ve got to use the can,” I told him, and turned on my heel and went to the master bath. I shut the door and collapsed onto the commode. I was very near to having a panic attack. I don’t know how long I sat there. I was holding my head in my hands when I heard a soft tapping at the door.

  “Alex?” Carrie said softly. “Can I come in?”

  My voice was shaky, but I managed a weak, “Yes.”

  “You gonna, … What’s wrong?”

  “Lisa is out there.”

  “Well yeah, you knew she was coming.”

  “I know, I know. But … but I’m near panic thinking about her seeing me like this.”

  “She and I had a long talk about cross-dressing. You’ll be surprised at how her mindset has changed. She’s trying really hard to do what’s best for Mike. We set out to help Mike, but it’s gone beyond what we thought it would. Now, to help Mike, we have to help Lisa come to grips with men in dresses. You’re the only one she knows besides Mike, and she’s still too fragile to see him. She’s prepared to see you, and if she can come to treat you as normal, then there’s hope that Mike will one day have the freedom to dress that you do.”

  She took me by the hands and stood me up and wrapped me in a hug. It was a calming influence. It took a few minutes, but we soon went out to the living room hand in hand. Lisa’s gaze did nothing to ease my nerves. Carrie gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

  “Alex, you… you look incredible. Your picture doesn’t do you justice. I’d have never guessed you… You could go anywhere and do anything, and no one would blink an eye.” She then looked at Carrie and said, “You were right Carrie, he, or should I say she, is perfect.”

  I was dumbfounded by her statements.

  “Do a little turn for her, Alex, so she can see all sides,” Carrie told me.

  So I did the turn, not quite a pirouette, more shuffling in a circle, but she saw both sides and the back. I was feeling like a specimen on display. I think Carrie was attuned to my discomfort.

  “I don’t know about you guys, but the smell of that stew is getting to me. What say we chow down? Alex, why don’t you set the table while I pour the drinks.”

  Carrie and I busied ourselves in the kitchen, and in short order, we were seated around the dining room table. Feeling a bit awkward yet, I tucked right in and didn’t say much… or at least that’s what I wanted to do. The problem with eating while everyone else is talking is that you get done first. Then not having anything to do, but join in the conversation.

  “Carrie tells me that you do a thing called underdressing at work,” Lisa said, looking at me.

  “Ah… yeah. I find women’s underwear more comfortable than men’s.”

  “The bra is comfortable?”

  I threw a look at Carrie. ’God, she must have told Lisa every little detail.’ I don’t know if it was my look, or if Carrie was just joining into the conversation, but she came to my rescue.

  “Well, Alex had them custom fitted.”

  Lisa raised her eyebrows.

  “One of my old high school friends owns a lingerie shop and is trans friendly. She has lots of male customers who buy for themselves. When Alex got to the point of wanting to wear a bra, but felt self-conscious about stuffing it, I contacted her, and we measured him and ordered some 36A pushup bras.”

  “I haven’t had a bra fitting since we were married. The shop where I bought my gown also sold wedding lingerie. They insisted on fitting me rather than letting me just tell them what size I wanted. As I remember, my bras fit a lot better after that. But you know, not so much anymore. Maybe I should get fitted again.”

  “Ann has lots of women customers as well. I’m sure she’d be glad to do a fitting for you. Come to think of it’s been years since I was fitted as well. Maybe the next time we’re out, we can stop by and get fitted at the same time.”

  “So what was it like getting fitted for a bra, Alex?” Lisa pulled me back into the conversation.

  “Definitely weird. I had no idea just how complicated it was to buy a bra. I’m betting very few cross-dressers have any idea until they get brave enough to be fitted themselves.”

  Thankfully, she turned her attention to Mike.

  “I’m sure you’re jealous Mike. I bet you’d like to go get fitted for a bra.”

  Mike looked down at the table. I’m sure he wasn’t really used to talking with Lisa about this kind of thing.

  “Well, if I’m going to be allowed to come over here and dress, I will need to pick up some underthings.”

  “What do you say, Alex? Would you take Mike over to this place and introduce him to Carrie’s friend?”

  ’Augh… the ball is in my court again.’

  “Yeah sure, anytime he wants.”

  “Since everyone is in agreement that Mike can get his cross-dressing fix here, I’m sure he’d like to make it sooner than later,” Carrie observed. “Why don’t you guys head over there right now? Ann is open until eight on Saturdays.”

  “OK, I’ll just go change my clothes.”

  “No need for that, honey. Ann already knows all about you, and you know that the next step in your journey is to get out in public. What better place to do that than someplace where the owner of the shop knows you and you’re assured of being accepted?

  “Mike, would you feel uncomfortable going with Alex dressed as he is?”

  Mike was a little too quick to answer.

  “Not at all. I’ve already told Alex that in that outfit he looks great.”

  “Lisa, I bought Alex a dozen pairs of undies and matching camis. Ann’s prices are quite reasonable.”

  “A dozen sounds about right to me. Mike, would that be enough for you too?”

  Mike’s face showed utter amazement. I’m betting he never had more than two or three pairs before.

  “Yeah, that’d be great.”

  Nothing would do, but we leave right then.