When you come across a bear in the wild, there is a very handy rhyme that tells you what to do. “If it’s brown, lay down. If it’s black fight back. If it’s white goodnight”. And even though I was staring straight into a set dark brown eyes framed by a big bush of curly brown hair, laying down definitely was not the right course of action. For these eyes did not belong to a ferocious mammal with razor sharp claws, but instead a 16 year old girl who was very excited to meet her online friend for the first time. The latter feeling a lot more dangerous than the former to me right now.

Raising my larynx in attempt to put on the same voice as I had done online, I managed to squeak out “Rachel? As in RayRay? What are you doing here?”

Rachel raised her right arm so she could use her thumb to point at the field hockey stick strapped to her back “My cousin’s team was short one player for their away game against the local team, so I drove down here to help her out. We were about to do some carb loading done before the game. But I mean what are the chances that I run into you of all people. Small world we live in right?”

Under the table I was nervously pocking one of my fingers through a hole I just made in the plastic bag I had been carrying around. “What are chances indeed, I really wouldn’t have recognized you if you didn’t say anything”

Rachel snapped a quick look to her side where a group of girls also carrying hockey sticks tried to find a set of free tables. Only to once again meet my eyes while slightly raising her thin eyebrows “How could you, we have never actually met before. It’s just that after hearing you shout about smokes so often, It’s become really hard for it not stick out like a sore thumb when I hear it in real life.”

“I mean, somebody needs to set the tempo when there are 4 captain McPassive’s in my team” I shot back at her.

Rachel gave of a slight smile while making a poor attempt of feinting innocence. “Excuse me for trying bait out the opponents mistakes first” causing us both to giggle a little bit.

Hearing her make a joke about our Dota games together felt like a familiar and comfortable wave washing over me. Clearly she hadn’t caught on to the fact that Emily wasn’t actually real, so laying down in fear of the bear was no longer necessary. Was there really nobody who was able to see the Jason hiding beneath the Emily?

“There you go, some silly fries for my silly friend” Riley joked as she suddenly appeared placing a plastic tray with spiraling fries in front of me. Not even taking time to sit down herself she looked up towards the tall brunette that had shown up in her absence. Resting her hand on my shoulder she turned back to me “You making new friends without me?”

“Hi, I’m Rachel. Emily and I know each other from an online game we play together” Rachel exclaimed in a way more formal manner than I have ever heard her speak.

“Ah yes of course, that weird little dota game right?

Rachel was ticking on the floor with her toes as she looked around to where her teammates were sitting. “Uhm, yeah that one”

Riley took away one of my fries and held it up in front her face “You want join in on eating some these? Miss silly string over here never finishes her food so go ahead if you’re hungry”

Rachel quickly shook her head from side to side “I really need to get back to the team, but uhm… See you next week Emily?”

And before I could properly answer she hastily made her way to the table with the other hockey girls.

Riley took a few fries of her own while giving Rachel another look as she joined the girls over at the other side of the food court. “This is the kind of person you are worried about? That girl looked more timid than a rabbit before Christmas dinner.”

“Yeah… I don’t really know what I was expecting but definitely not this.” I said while trying to make sense of what had just happened. Clearly she didn’t have a clue about the Jason hiding beneath the Emily initially, but did she suddenly spot something that gave me away when Riley showed up?

“Well, if the rest of nerds in that team of yours anything like her, you shouldn’t be worried about next week at all. Even if somebody like that found out it would probably take them 3 years to build up to courage to confront you in the first place” Riley shoved her own tray of fries out the way to rest both her elbows on the table. As she put her chin on her hands she looked me straight in the eyes.

“Talking about courage, that was quite a bold move you pulled with Mia earlier. You know we really didn’t need that dress for your bootcamp disguise next week right?”

Trying to finish the fries that were currently imprisoned in my mouth I thought back to that moment. “I guess… There was just something about that thing, Some reason that I needed to wear it. But don’t tell anybody, they are all going to think I’m some kind of weirdo”

“Buddy, no need to worry about that. I would never blow up our trust pact. Something you might need to worry about though, is why you are feeling like this. Hell, that waterfall when you saw yourself just before we left my house? There is more going on here isn’t there?”

I was biting down on my lip while recalling it, something about seeing myself like that made feel so happy. Was it just the excitement of going against the grain? Like how criminals will often just do what they for the kick it gives while the money is just nice little extra? In all honesty I was really trying to dig deep into my psyche, but I couldn’t find what was giving me these overwhelming feelings. I felt like such wreck, not even being to understand my own feelings.

“Let me ask you this. If you could choose to live your life as Emily of Jason. What would you choose?” Riley posseted at me with a certain carefulness in her voice.

Not even having to think about an answer I quickly gave her my answer. “Emily of course, but that is just because I can leave the shittyness of my own life behind me in that reality. It is like you are asking if I would like be mythical creature, who wouldn’t jump on something like that”

Riley gave of a slightly grin as she pointed at herself. “I’m no mythical creature bud, just a regular old girl. And so is Emily” she said as she moved her finger pointing at me now instead.

I swiped her finger away. “But you are actually real, Emily isn’t. You know? Like how horses are real but centaurs are not?”

Riley laid out her arms back on the flimsy plastic table between us. “Are you sure about that? Because the person I’m hanging out with right now seems pretty real to me” Leaning over the table she poked me in the chest. “Just look at yourself, you could be like this all the time you know”

Staring past Riley I caught my own in reflection in a window behind her. At first I felt happy seeing a pretty girl smile back at me, but when I took a closer look my mood started to shift. I couldn’t help but imagine the shaggy mop that was hiding underneath that fabulous haircut. A haircut that was in fact just an expensive theater wig. The casual yet well put together outfit, something I have seen Riley herself wear less than a year ago. Even those though looking boots, just stolen from a lovely woman across street. None of this was actually me, it was just elaborate getup put together by someone else.

“You understand there is nothing wrong with being transgender right?”

“What?!” I snapped back. “What does that have to do with anything?!” I couldn’t believe that this is where she was going with this. Just because I want to play in a particular Dota tournament I’m suddenly trans? I just asked her if she could help me get out of the whole bootcamp situation I had brought myself into. It was not my idea to do this whole elaborate dress up game.

Does she even understand what simply entertaining such an idea could bring forth? Don’t get me wrong, I emphasize with transgender people and their struggles. Being treated like shit everywhere you go just because you happen to born in the wrong body, but clearly that wasn’t me. If that was me I would have known. This kind of felt like one of Riley’s crazy fantasies again.

It was as if something just snapped inside me, like all penned up anxiety from the last few weeks combined with the frustrations of my life. Combining together into a massive monster of pure rage that was suddenly clawing itself out.

“Well, seeing everything that has been up with you recently. It’s by far the most logical reason for it all. You know that it wouldn’t even change or friendship in the slightest” Doctor Frankenstein herself tried to clarify to me.

“Everything that has been up with me? Need I remind you that all this has been your doing! You always push me into doing weird flippin shit, and you never take any responsibility for it.” I slammed my fist on the table causing some of the last fries in my tray to launch themselves up in the air.

“You have been putting me through an emotional rollercoaster with all of this shit because you for some obscene reason you have been thinking I’m trans. If that were the case I would have known and wouldn’t have needed you to push me into putting on this weird little ‘Gall palls at the mall’ theatre production” I shouted.

Riley looked visibly shocked at my outburst and carefully tried to interject. “No it’s not… It’s… My parents said that…”

“O yeah, you’re flippin parents. Who you told about this too even though I explicitly asked you not talk about this with anybody. But who gives a hoot about what I want, because obviously Riley knows best.” My tirade continued.

“Remember when you got the crazy idea in your head that ‘In High School all classes are optional’ in we skipped like a full week of school. You almost got both of us expelled and my mother didn’t allow be to leave the house or to use my computer for anything but school for more than a month!. But little miss perfect over here got nothing but a little slap on the wrist from her hippy dippy parents. Do you even understand what kind of shit I could into even anything about this got out? You only think about yourself!”

My anger was slowly winding down as I once more looked at the figure looking back in the window reflection once again. The freak of nature that I allowed myself to become by allowing myself to be pulled along in another one of Riley’s crazy schemes. Like my life isn’t difficult already. I just want play some good flippin dota with nice team, why do have to deal with all those other crazy stuff as well.

“Just because none of the girls at school want to be friends with you doesn’t mean you have to turn me into one. It’s not my fault you managed to scare away everybody else in your life. Go fix your own problems in your life before you go turning my life even worse” I sternly said to Riley.

With me all of penned up anger finally released I managed to once again focus on the person sitting across from me on the other end of the table. Riley slowly got up from the table with an ironclad face completely bare of emotion. She slowly put on of her fingers under the tray of leftover fries while looking me straight in the eyes.

She flipped over the tray without even looking at it and exclaimed two simple words while her stern stare was locked onto my soul.

“Fuck you”

Only to slowly walk out of the food court without even looking back for slight a moment.