I've felt a bit odd lately and have gone out in full male mode a few times. If my facial structure was more feminine, I could look like a Butch Dyke, pardon me. I had my hair all cut off to about to about 6.5 mm (1/4"). I am going out today for several hours and plan to do more of that. To me, it seems that my transition, including bottom Surgery, might have been ill advised. Warnings from the Psychological Community seem dire because many of them feel that it is a precursor to Suicide. I'm not feeling that. My children would undoubtedly support detransition. I have other friends who would be shocked and I am sure they would end our friendship. I am Native American and Two-Spirit. I would be quite happy being gender fluid, maybe I am? I am part of a group that insists that I have to be Trans. I intend to make myself happy.
Gwen
Comments
Trans is NOT a Black and White Issue
Gwen, hon, each individual is unique. I've tried to drill this home to all who may or may not be caught up in the boy-girl gender blender. There are those who nothing but hormones, surgery, total embrace from boy to girl will sate their emotional drive. There are those who are transvestite. Wearing the female attire sates their desires. They will never touch hormones or get close to surgery. There are those who are even less and can live vicariously in the life of their girlfriend or wife. Individuals each trying to find the place where they can find peace and contentment with themselves.
Not any different than heterosexual male or female. As one ages their perspective on life may or may not change. I'm guessing you are familiar with purging as transgender dumps all female attire only to regret it at a later time and begin collecting and wearing female clothes once again.
Sugar, all my studies have been on MtF transgender. Thus this is the class of transgendered I have researched, ignoring the FtM, Klinefelter, chimera, and XY DNA with CAIS. For a long time I presented as gender fluid because all my IDs were masculine while I presented as feminine. It was a way of hiding in plain sight.
If you feel you need to detransistion that is you seeking a place where you can accept yourself. Are you or were your ever transgender? No one but you can answer these questions. I pray you find peace within and accept yourself as you, not what others want you to be. Love yourself, peace will come.
Hugs Gwen
Barb
Told Kelly, if I'm stupid enough to recycle again. I want boy or girl, not both. She asked, Which one? I said, I don't care one or the other. She replied, You're a girl, you'll never be happy as a boy. She's right!
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Gwen, you have told me a few
Gwen, you have told me a few times that it was a mistake. I would not go through all the detrans stuff. I would live as you feel more comfotable. I would have no surgery. To be honest,unless you really hate your male/female bits there is no reason to get shot of them unless you intend to use them or to have them on show.
If you feel comfortable appearing as a guy just do. Don't change your meds unless you are told it is ok to do it. Just make sure you are doing it for you. Not just that your family prefers it. We all know the girl inside does not shut up for long. I have to let my one out several times a year or I get very depressed.
Leeanna
Just adopt the lifestyle...
Just adopt the lifestyle you feel you are and dress and live accordingly.
No need to go through all the surgery.
Just be the person you feel that you are inside your head.
charlie
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/missing-without-a-trace-cha...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/832524
No One Should "Insist" You Be Anything
The tough part of being transgender is trying to wrap your head around what "transgender" means.
The way you've phrased your inquiry suggests that there is a transgender spectrum -- or a scale between two opposite points. It seems you're saying that one end of the spectrum would be female and the other would be male.
I was born with male genitalia. I was born with a female mind -- in that I believe I would be much happier living as a woman. I have consistently felt this way since I was four. So that's seventy-one years of wishing and hoping while trying to get through the day. Some days I would say that my desire to be a woman was a two and somedays a ten . . . on a scale of one through ten with ten being "MUST MAKE A CHANGE" . . . but it was always there.
But even that is a gross over-simplification. The main variants would be how I defined "being a woman" from day to day.
As a boy, I wished on the wishing star every night that I would wake up a woman. I thought I was the only person in the world who felt like I did. I rant a lot about Republicans who want to turn back the clock so that little boys today won't have access to the knowledge that came to me in my forties. They want to make it a crime to give those boys the information needed to avoid the painful guilt and shame I felt. That is a morally corrupt travesty.
But back to your question.
Life isn't simple as to sum it up in several paragraphs. When you speak about choices many, many things need to be measured. My spouse is content with me. I have the economic ability to pay for transition. So - why not do it?
Or, on the other side of that same coin - why do it?
I don't think anyone who knows me would be that surprised. I also don't think it would cost me any friends. I have a feminine face and a smooth throat. Other than large feet I would be extremely passable, or will be on
October 10 -- according to my Noom weight-loss program.
It just doesn't seem necessary and it also would seem very selfish to make such a change without a total NEED.
I have a heart condition. According to what I've read, hormones and the myriad of pills I take are not compatible.Would it be fair to my children and grandchildren to take that unnecessary risk?
So for me . . . I'm transgender and will probably never take hormones or have affirmation surgery. I don't believe that NOT taking hormones and ruling out surgery makes me any less transgender. . .just different transgender than others.
For some, the decision is "do or die." I get that. I would not have made it through life without a wonderful spouse of 49 years who understands my needs. I'm en femme much more than I'm not.
This site allows me to self-analyze and push my mind into female mode. That has taken the pressure off me.
So . . . for me being transgender isn't a linear journey.
It seems it isn't for you either.
Good luck with YOUR choice.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
It's up to you, dearheart.
The others who have posted comments so far - BarbieLee, leeanna19, charlie98210, and Angela Rasch - all have good points and are telling both you and the rest of us simple message. Do what is right for -you-.
From me, I'm going to pick up on one point you stated that I know just a little about, but I think is important. You are Two-Spirit. This is very special and something to not ignore. If I may be allowed to offer my own two cents of advice, go speak to an elder whom you trust and have a rapport with. I hope they can help you to see the you that is inside and which you need to be. Male - Female - Gender Fluid - Whatever that may be and what is right for -you-.
May your journey be smooth and the destination be like sitting by a warm fire while wrapped in a favorite blanket with a favored book and drink at your side. :-)
- Leona
No Tribe Near Me.
I wish I could do as you suggest.
Gwen (Haseya)
Are you from Native American stock?
I checked with a local Nez Pierce friend and they were not familiar with seeking council from Elders.
Gwen
Unknown
I've met and lived with a few Native Americans and they believed it to be possible, but I've never had it looked in to genetically.
My father did some pretty good genealogy some years back and nothing positive turned up (think in decades, not single digits). Interestingly, he did find a relative with no familial history to find. They had been orphaned so no records existed for their actual families, or from the orphanage. They just suddenly 'showed up' when they married into the family line. However, they were from a time and place where such a loss of records were not uncommon when the child was from ... other ... backgrounds.
So, it could be possible, and I'd like to think my Cherokee friends were not mistaken.
As for my comment about seeking an Elder. I probably should have specified someone who has been around for a notably longer time than you have and has a good bit of wisdom to impart. :-D Not necessarily a Council Elder. Although that would be good too, if you had one of those available.
- Leona
We are all unique,
just like everyone else, so goes the motto card, but it's true we are all different, sharing our different realities, desires, and experiences. I am almost where I want to be, just some health issues that probably won't go away, my stroke last year and developing type II diabetes recently.
We should all be entitled to present as we want, as long as there is no intention to deceive. So do what you want, Gwen I did, be who you want to be but enjoy it.
Angharad
Rejection/Harassment by family
Gwen, you have repeatedly mentioned that you have been harassed (and mobbed) by your family into gender transition. You have also mentioned a lot about being rejected by your family, either pre-transition and/or simultaneous to transition and most definitely post-transition.
Just trying to keep to what I remember from your public blog posts here on BCTS. The mobbing and bullying (yes systematic harassment should be considered as such) seems to come not only from your own nuclear family but also from your family of origin.
It is hard enough to be bullied and rejected by your spouse (who basically pledged to support, care and stand by your side no matter what). But it is even worse when you get mobbed and rejected by your own children, at the instigation of your spouse. The harassment and rejection by your parents is also very traumatizing, because they should be loving, supporting and protecting you. While bullying, mobbing and rejection from siblings, though still potentially traumatizing, is likely the least hurtful of all.
As I have suffered through a lot of bullying and mobbing, as well as rejection, maybe I can offer a suggestion or two:
I was constantly harassed by my [ex] spouse, until she took out a restraining order against me under a false criminal accusation. But at least she has not contacted me anymore since. Though it has a negative impact on any contact with my daughter.
Above all, do as one of the principles of the 12-step program suggests: "Let go and let God!"
You will never be able to be agreeable to everybody else, so you need to take care of yourself. Self-care is very important, and has nothing to do with being egoistical. Find peace with yourself by letting go of self-doubt and self-hatred instigated and fueled by toxic relationships. So get rid of those toxic relationships!
Wishing you all the best on your own journey!!
Jessica Nicole