I really need advice.
I think my ex is taking advantage of me because I have a car, and she often will ask for a ride, only to add 2 or 3 extra stops, or want to spend much more time somewhere than she mentioned before she got into the car.
I put up with a lot because she is the sole caregiver of my disabled daughter, but then today she spent part of the trip insulting both me and my mother and claiming we were going to hell.
I really want to set a boundary here, but I don't know how to without it hurting my daughter.
advice please.
Comments
Maybe some Rules
Dorothy this isn't a long distance kind of problem. You and your ex need a counselor but here goes as I usually have a bad case of foot in mouth disease. If she asks for a ride, get the exact stops she plans on making and extras aren't allowed. She wants a ride on your dime, she doesn't get to bitch. She doesn't like your rules, she can find another way to travel to her destination. I have no idea how big a town or city you live in but there is always a taxi if not a bus. Some cities have free low income rides.
Maybe next time she starts bitching, ask her what her problem is? It helps to clean the deck. Especially if it's not you but she's feeling other problems and she's using you as a relief valve?
Don't take my advice to heart. It's long distance advice and has no foundation to work off of.
Hugs Dorothy
Barb
Life has speed bumps to make us stronger not break us.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Harsh
Probably time for some harsh talks honestly. This is way above the paygrade here and as Barb mentioned a counselor or some other third party should be involved to mediate. This will only continue and escalate as you let it happen, at some point you're going to need to change the narrative. In the end you really need to decide what you'll potentially lose if you push back and if you're in the end ok with that to get the change you want. Unfortunately trans people get the short end of the stick no matter the laws in place to protect so do whatever you can to insulate yourself against retaliation. Save/record calls/discussions in the car (if legal where you live), emails, texts, to prove what you're experiencing.
EDIT: I just want to reinforce the double checking of laws in your area if you record. Some places it's legal, others it isn't, and sometimes the intent of you recording matters as well. Do NOT do this without confirming first.
Advice on boundaries
Remember above all: Set clear limits and boundaries, as well as consequences if they are violated, AND stick to your guns!!!
Tough love causes pain in the short term, but results in a higher well-being in the long term.
You NEED to establish VERY CLEAR limits and boundaries and enforce them consistently and consequently! Giving in just once, because you are sick and tired and want some peace, just opens the door for a lot more abuse!
If you enforce your boundaries and limits, your wife WILL bitch and rant because she is not getting away with ABUSING YOU. But eventually she will go after easier pickings and leave you alone. (After my ex got the restraining order for the alleged sexual abuse, she has never contacted me again.)
Based on the profile you have painted of your wife, I would NOT recommend fighting for joint guardianship. And the Canadian law may not even allow for joint guardianship of a disabled adult. Go ask a competent lawyer!
What are the legal and medium to long term consequences of remaining in a separated marriage versus getting a divorce? Check with a competent lawyer who has experience with Canadian Family and Inheritance Law!
(e.g. In Paraguay half of the marital estate belongs to the surviving spouse outright. The other half is split into equal shares between the surviving spouse and the children: 2 children = 1/3 each, 3 children = 1/4 each, etc. But even with a legally binding separation of assets, the surviving spouse will often [try to] claim half of the estate before the other half is split among the heirs thus getting another share. Upon divorce the former spouse has no legal right of inheritance.)
Now start working on defining and establishing those limits, boundaries and expectations needed for the self-care of your very own well-being, and then also for the care of your mother and your daughter. Even if it hurts, do not be afraid to "let got and let God"!
On the MedCircle channel on YouTube I found this video: 9 Signs of Poor Boundaries | MedCircle x Dr Ramani. If you have trouble with that link, here is the URL as text:
https://youtu.be/B7-TtxJwbPkI have found that MedCircle is serious and scientifically based channel with very good insight and suggestions on many different issues of mental health, and relationships as it relates to mental health.
The boundary I’d suggest to set first?
Insulting the driver creates an unsafe distraction. You could point this out with something like “so if it happens again, once we notice, you have to stop or I have to end the trip as rapidly as I safely can. Who will care for our daughter if we get in an accident?”
If you get much pushback on a safety matter, it’s a big red flag. I don’t know what you do then.
If It's About Your Daughter
Then, if she has any scruples at all, she won't hurt your daughter. Just tell her to go and make love somewhere far off and find another mode of transport.
Otherwise, she will just keep on taking advantage of you.
Agreeing with others ...
Suggest first boundary of:
"I only have X amount of time, and that includes Y time getting you home. Plan out the things you can get done in that time. When my time is up, I have to take you home."
Don't discuss what is so important that you can't surrender more of your time.
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Next is the insults and haranguing ... manure.
Call her out the first time. Point out "My car, my driving, my rules. Be civil, or I must take you home." Then do so after the second time.
I think it was Jesus who asked that we 'turn the other cheek". You have done so. Tolerating even the first slap is now 'off the table'.
We have only two face cheeks for a reason.
All further slaps are abusive kicks to our butt cheeks.
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(I was not a very good husband ...) I once had to pull safely off the road, and tell my Wife "We can fight, or I can drive (you to work). I cannot do both."
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Another time, I was driving a 'gal pal' and a bunch of her friends on an excursion. Gal-pal (in passenger seat) started to give me a hard time. I reached over and turned up the radio volume by the smallest possible step. End of problem. Did I say >smart< gal-pal? I don't think her friends ever knew, so I didn't spoil excursion for them.
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PS: Please chat with your pastor on this one. "Sawbucks to donuts" he has seen it before...
From an author who has greatly influenced me:
“Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.
But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants "just a few minutes of your time, please—this won't take long." Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time—and squawk for more!
So learn to say No—and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.
(This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it is "expected" of you.)”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
It took my Wife a long time to train me ...
... or, "He's typing and won't shut up."
Took me too long to really See your 'sole caregiver' phrase ...
Caregiving, especially alone, is more than tough and exhausting. Plus, she has all the usual 'maintenance of house-hold' stuff (as we all do). And it's all 24 x 7 x 365 ...
So exhausting, that there are minor(?) industries popping up to give care-givers respite. (USA Medicare even offers 'housework & shopping' people.)
"At home" 24/7 partners often complain of no/not enough help from at-work partners - who, by definition, can't see all the work done by the at-home one. (While the at-work partners may not see beyond "Isn't sharing my paycheck enough?")
Eventually my Wife trained me (OK, sometimes she had to flat-out tell me) the difference between "Honey, shut up and just listen" while she griped (wanting me in 'girlfriend' mode) and "Help me out with this one" (wanting me in guy problem-solving mode).
It may be (and both of you maybe can't see it) that she just needs to vent. This (should) look like "Life, the Universe and everything all suck", and then she proceeds in great detail. This is fine, needed, and can be a relief - with you in girlfriend mode. (Remember to stay quiet, or just say uh-huh, yep, Ick!, and yeah really...)
But - her saying everything sucks because of You, and also You suck ... No.
This >remains Unacceptable<.
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And >do not< drop into thinking you suck because she says so.
You are the Royal Knight Riding to Your Daughter's Rescue Aboard Your Motorized Steed.
Bonus: you get to ride home alone!
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Try thinking of the chauffeuring time you >choose< to give Sam & your ex as respite care (and you said your ex has no car).
Also think of time as being >for< Sam (clearest for doctors' appointments and similar), with Mom needing to 'tag along" to deal with 'doctor stuff', and help manage Sam.
Try to grab Daddy/Daughter if you can.
Hoping you can push things towards "Nicer for you and everybody".
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PS: Your ex has a Bad Habit of bashing you. Habits take time to alter, and may need giving her, as often as needed, a verbal "whop upside the head".