Calci was desperately flipping through the school booklet, which had over five hundred pages of small print, with pull outs, no table of contents, no glossary, and frequent references to the previous school handbook, which we did not have. Ella sat stunned, muttering something about how it had worked for her brother and sister. Naomi was looking around and seemed about to cry, biting her lip as pretty much everyone else was leaving. Ivy was sleeping quite contentedly, letting out little snores. And I was wracking my brain trying to figure something out.

So we were all surprised when Clarice stood up, punching her hand with a fist. “Follow me and follow my lead. And everyone smile, big happy smiles,” she said, shaking her hand while wincing in pain.

“What?” I asked very intelligently.

“Trust me, I have an idea,” she said, sticking out her very small chest in a bid to look more confident.

It seemed she had a better plan than mine, which involved somehow getting a group of five students, preferably girls but boys were optional, out of sight for a minute, jumping them and taking their place. So we followed her over to a group of five boys, who I hadn't noticed before because they were pretty shy looking, hunching down as if they hoped they wouldn't be noticed by anyone. Their senior was waving his arms around wildly, telling a story about how he had personally defeated a wild cockatrice using only a sponge, some shampoo and the skull of the last student to attempt such a feat.

“Oh what a wonderful story,” Clarice said, going to sit on the lap of one of the better looking boys, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. “You're so lucky to get such an entertaining guide, dear. I wish my own guide had been half so interesting.”

The boy made a kind of croaking noise like a frog getting eaten by a cat, and his blush could have lit up a small room all by itself. Naomi and Calci caught on quickly and grabbed hold of the two nearest boys, taking a seat on their laps. Calci had to jump onto her boy, who was a spindly looking Elf that grunted in pain as his legs cracked under the Dwarf. The girls proceeded to hug them like they had known each other for years. I stood there, my jaw hitting my chest, trying to make a coherent thought when someone shoved me very hard at the fourth boy.

I fell into his lap, and found myself being hugged by two pipe cleaner like arms, looking into a face with a few pimples and a hopeful look. “Uh, uh, hi, sw-ee-t-y,” I managed to get out, my smile turning into a rictus grin.

Somehow through my embarrassment, I noticed Ivy stalking over to the last boy. She put her arm around his neck as if she wanted to strangle him, and growled a little when he tried to speak. The boy proved smart enough to shut up and just go along with the scary, skinny girl who had very sharp teeth.

“Hey girls, I'm only suppose to guide these boys, so scram,” the senior said.

Clarice hugged her boy tightly, causing him to go a little blue in the face. “Who's asking you to guide us? We just want to spend more time with our boyfriends, we've barely been able to even see them with how busy we've been. Just go about your business and we won't say a word.”

“You don't want to get in the way of true love do you?” Naomi asked, playing with her boys white hair.

“Please,” Calci whimpered, with big puppy dog eyes.

The boys, except for the one with Ivy, all nodded eagerly, although the Elf was still grimacing in a mix of pain and delight. They were clearly not used to having cute girls willingly coming near them, much less hugging them and sitting on their laps. I just tried to keep smiling, as what was left of my manhood curled up in the corner and cried.

“Right,” the senior said, clearly believing our brilliant lie. “Garth, what's your girlfriends name?”

The boy I was sitting on suddenly looked like a chicken staring at a dragon, “B-D- uh, Ana- ah, Lu-lu- Lulabelle!” he shouted.

“You remembered!” I managed to get out without quite snarling, slapping his chest hard enough to hurt my hand and make him yelp in pain. “I-I prefer my middle name, Petra.”

The older boy smiled sweetly, clearly enjoying this far too much. “Uh huh. And what's your boyfriends name, shorty?” he asked Clarice.

“Oh I don't like his name,” she replied with a giggle, “it's so common, and he deserves far better than that. So I call him Snookums.”

Snookums managed to squeak in outrage, only to shut up when she kissed his nose.

“Gold Blood And Steel is common where you're from?”

We all looked at the small and unimpressive boy, who seemed to be attempting to die, slink away, and sink into the floor all at the same time while having a girl sitting on his lap. “I'm named after my grandfather,” he muttered. “It's tradition. You can just call me Gold, please.”

“Yes,” Clarice said slowly, “that's a... very common name in my hometown.”

The senior turned his eyes on Ella, who was standing just off to the side. “And what about her, what's she doing?”

“I'm their friend. Someone has to be a chaperone,” Ella said.

“That's why I'm here,” the senior said, pointing at himself. “If you aren't a close, personal friend of these fine, young studs, you're going to have to leave.”

Ella didn't betray any emotions, just walked stiffly to the boy who was trying to escape Ivy's iron like embrace and grabbed his hand. “Well if you insist, Ivy and I are particularly attracted to this-this fine young man. He's so handsome, and-and handsome.”

“Please don't hurt me,” the lucky boy said, his fingers turning white in Ella's grip, even as he kept looking wide eyed at Ivy's sharp, white fangs.

“This has to go in the yearbook,” the senior said, barely able to keep from laughing. Pulling a demon eye from his pocket, he held it up and said, “Smile!”

We all smiled, some of us more successfully than others, as the eye blinked. I was never going to live this down.

“So what about you Honey Creeper? I don't think I've ever seen an Elf and a Dwarf getting that close together.”

The Elf squeaked, tears were welling up in his eyes. “She has a nice beard,” he said.

“Aw, thank you, honey. You're cute too. So skinny and tiny, it's really exotic,” Calci said.

The senior couldn't hold back his laughter any longer. He covered his mouth as he let loose for almost a solid minute. When he recovered, he was still grinning. “Come on you lucky boys, let's explore the school,” he said. “And girls, I'm Anthony. Please don't fall head over heels in love with me as quickly as you did with these fine specimen of the male gender.”

Gritting our teeth we got up with our chosen... boyfriends, and followed Anthony out of the cafeteria. The elf had to be helped by Calci as he limped along behind us.

**

“So...” Garth whispered, “do you really want a boyfriend, Petra?”

I looked up in his big, brown, hope filled eyes, and decided that I hadn't hurt Michael nearly enough the other day. Death would not have been punishment enough for putting me through this humiliation. “Let's go with friends for now, Garth. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right now. I'm, you know, trying to get used to a- a lot of changes.”

“Oh, ok,” he said, slouching down.

I could picture myself in his shoes so easily, it hurt seeing him look so sad. “Believe me, you look like a really nice guy. But I- how do I say this. Well things have really changed for me recently, and I'm not used to this body.”

He got a knowing look in his eye. “Oh I had that happen to me to.”

“Really,” I said in complete shock. Had Michael been giving his chocolate bars to girls too? “You used to be a...”

“Yeah I used to be a lot shorter, and not so hairy. But over the summer I just kept getting bigger, and” he thought about what he'd just said and his face became just as red as mine.

“Shut up. Please. Just shut up and we'll forget all about this.”

“Thank you.”

**

“One thing to remember is that this school is full of secret passages. You should learn about them, since they'll let you get around quickly avoiding problems, bottle necks and teachers. Some of them do have monsters in them, usually failed experiments but the staff sometimes puts them in there when removing them would be too hard, or students annoy them,” Anthony told us as we walked through a hallway that held most of the Language classes. To demonstrate he hit three bricks in rapid succession, opening a wall.

“Where are the secret passages?” Gold asked.

“If I told you they wouldn't be secret,” the senior said slowly as if talking to a small child.

I heard Ella whispering to her boy, who I'd found out was called Marcus. He whispered something back, actually it sounded more like squeaking, this was followed by a growl from Ivy.

“Excuse me, Anthony, sir. How many secret passages will one silver get us?” Marcus asked.

“I'll tell you how to get from the cafeteria to the main hallway.”

There was more whispering. “Uh, sir. I'll give you ten silver for fifteen secret passages, and an extra two silver for a passage from the girls dorm to the cafeteria.”

“I'll give you ten, and the last one costs three silver. Just remember, the monsters will still eat you if you go for any 'fun' with your honeys,” he said, smirking at all of us.

Whispering, “Thirteen passages.”

“Eleven.”

“Twelve.”

“Done. Pay close attention, I'm not going to write any of this down,” he told us. When we all got in close, he hit the three bricks again making sure we saw the little cracks that made them different from the other perfect bricks on the wall. “This goes from here to the maths and alchemy classes. You'll cut about twenty minutes off from the trip.”

“But there are only ten minutes between classes, how can we get from one class to another on time?” Naomi asked.

“Find the secret passages, or be ready to run, it promotes problem solving and exercise. Come on, we haven't got all day,” he said.

We walked for a minute down a curvy passage that was made out of old bricks and older looking bones. Eyeless skulls looked down at us from the ceiling, a pale white light lit the tunnel, but I couldn't see where it was coming from. Our footsteps echoed loudly as we made our way through the passage, and I was very glad I didn't have claustrophobia as even with my smaller size I felt cramped, worse I was forced to press into Garth and he took the opportunity to put his arm around me.

We finally got out into another much larger hallway with windows showing a windswept plain of ice. With a relieved sigh I put some space between me and my impromptu boyfriend.

“Here is the math and alchemy hallway. The big ominous doors ahead of us are for the teachers offices, try to avoid them without an appointment. Lets go see the classes,” Anthony said, walking away without looking to see if we were following.

**

The rest of the tour was like that, we were shown secret passages to get around the school more quickly and easily than following the hallways, the boys would ask a few questions, and Ella or Clarice would get their boyfriends to ask more. If we needed some extra information, Ella would negotiate through Marcus for it. I was too busy trying memorize the routes to pay much attention to anything else. At lunch we were back in the cafeteria, and Anthony showed us a broom closet just a little ways down a deserted hallway that he said would lead to the girls dormitory.

With that, he took Ella's money and left with a wave at us 'lovebirds'.

“So I guess this is goodbye,” Gold said, looking sadly at Clarice. I noticed that the boys with Calci and Naomi looked just as upset.

“Well, you guys were really nice to help us out, would you like to, maybe, have lunch together?” Clarice asked.

That got a three resounding yes's, an OK from Garth who was still giving me puppy dog eyes, and a sob of fear from Marcus, who had Ivy hanging off his neck. This wasn't as nice as it sounds, since the werewolf was sniffing his hair, growling hungrily.

Ella took Ivy off of the poor boy before he became a meal. “Lunch is perfect. I'm always looking for friends. Shall we?” she said, motioning to the door.

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Doom Valley Prep School will be updated every Monday. My other stories, The Oubliette, will be updated every second Friday, and Necromancer Unmanned will be updated every Sunday.

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