And Now?

A word from our sponsor:

The Breast Form Store Little Imperfections Big Rewards Sale Banner Ad (Save up to 50% off)
Printer-friendly version

It's very early thursday morning (UK) it's horrible out but now....

Now I'm okay I'm alive, each time I feel really down like I did earlier I try and analyze why I'm down, I still havn't reached an answer, partly it's the whole gender thing, inside I'm ?????? outside I'm male, I really wish that I was a classic case of Gender Dysphoria then I could say to the pychologists I am a woman trapped in a mans body. But I can't, I don;t feel this way but I know that the person inside me is not male , I'm just not certain she is female either. I do know I cannot bear to see myself in the mirror pictures of me make me feel sick, what is worse my mum keeps on going on about how handsome I am, is she blind?

I went over to Saphire's Place earlier I picked an author at random then read her first story Peter it just spoke to me I was in tears, I dread to think that one day it may be me saying tose fateful words, because it's true I do want to kill myself. No that is not true though it is probably the easiest way to describe my feelings towards myself. I want to never have existed, I do not want to cause pain to those around me but at the same time I no longer want to live with the pain, loneliness and despair that I feel.

At the moment I don't feel it all the time but when I do as my story [Suicide] suggests the packet of Pills sitting on my desk (actually hidden by my monitor) do stare at me.

It has been said before now that 'If wishes were horse beggars would ride.' My personal saying is 'Payers don't get answered and wishes don't come true' because if they did I wouldn't be here now saying these things.

JC

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post: