And Now?

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It's very early thursday morning (UK) it's horrible out but now....

Now I'm okay I'm alive, each time I feel really down like I did earlier I try and analyze why I'm down, I still havn't reached an answer, partly it's the whole gender thing, inside I'm ?????? outside I'm male, I really wish that I was a classic case of Gender Dysphoria then I could say to the pychologists I am a woman trapped in a mans body. But I can't, I don;t feel this way but I know that the person inside me is not male , I'm just not certain she is female either. I do know I cannot bear to see myself in the mirror pictures of me make me feel sick, what is worse my mum keeps on going on about how handsome I am, is she blind?

I went over to Saphire's Place earlier I picked an author at random then read her first story Peter it just spoke to me I was in tears, I dread to think that one day it may be me saying tose fateful words, because it's true I do want to kill myself. No that is not true though it is probably the easiest way to describe my feelings towards myself. I want to never have existed, I do not want to cause pain to those around me but at the same time I no longer want to live with the pain, loneliness and despair that I feel.

At the moment I don't feel it all the time but when I do as my story [Suicide] suggests the packet of Pills sitting on my desk (actually hidden by my monitor) do stare at me.

It has been said before now that 'If wishes were horse beggars would ride.' My personal saying is 'Payers don't get answered and wishes don't come true' because if they did I wouldn't be here now saying these things.

JC

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Calling all UK readers

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erin's picture

Wow, Peter, what a story to pick to read when you're feeling that way. That one is on Classic BC, too, because I asked the author if I could post it. Powerful stuff.

All I can say is that there is no one so male they can't pass as a woman given motivation, training and help. Seriously. Human variation being what it is, there are huge amazonian types with deep voices among both sexes. I personally know two ex-Olympic athletes who are now women and an ex-Navy diver, as well. None of them are dainty but they are definitely women.

Find out who you are, then be you. And finding out doesn't have to be a tragedy, get some help. Any UK types who can recommend resources?

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

re: And Now?

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JC, There are a few places to start. It all depends on your actual feelings and what you want to do. Not knowing where in the country you are makes it difficult. If you are feeling suicidal I please ring the Samaritans – 0845 90 90 90. If you e-mail me on [email protected] (note the double underscore) I’d be happy to give you my telephone number so you could chat with me. Yes I am a pre op TS in England. Support numbers: Gender Trust – Helpline: 07000 790347 Office: 01273 234024. They can give you a name of a councillor in your area that is skilled in helping people with GID. Dr Russell Reid: Private Gender Psychiatrist. 020 7373 0901. He is a very good listener and is probably one of the best in the UK. (Affectionately known as Uncle Russell). His fees are 1 hour (first visit) - £180. Subsequent 30 minute appointments are £90 See you GP and ask him about a referral to a local expert. This will be free but you may have to wait for an appointment. Should be a lot quicker if you are suicidal. Some GP’s are good and others not so. I remember when I first approached my GP. He was kind and understanding but had never had somebody with that problem before so I went private. However he did his research and now knows the drill and asked if I wanted to get referred under the NHS. Last time I saw him he had another two patients with GID. I hope this helps and you have my e-mail address at the top. Hugs Karen

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Thanks, I am currently seeing a good psychatrist on a fortnightly basis, and I am working through my problems but it just gets to me now and then. I live with my parents (who are not supportive) after losing my job because I couldn't cope. The smallholding is not quite in the middle of nowhere but close, I have few if any friends most of the people I know are aquaintances. Some weeks I see three people (including me) sometimes for days on end. I get very lonely, though I get that way in crowds too, then I just don't get the point...

Other days I'm okay (today) I know that I need to get my life sorted out but having climbed the walls of the pit knowing that there is no top and that any day soon I'll slip all the way back down is hard.

Writing helps so does reading, if I get emotional enough I can sleep even if the dreams are a little odd (Robin Hood flying backwards across the ceiling is one of my favorites)

JC

The Legendary Lost Ninja

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