Lost Ninja's blog

Happy Christmas or Whatever...

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Well it's officially Christmas in the UK now, so I would like to wish everyone out there a happy christmas, I should have some presents round here somewhere but they aren't wrapped yet. Sorry. Um actually I haven't got round to writing them yet, I'm always like this at Christmas though. Ah well maybe for new year...

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Long time no C...

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Well I have been... well not busy exactly just um well not really with it, done a little bit more work on various stories, currently working on a Health and Beauty website for a (hopefully) paying customer. Spent huge amounts of money recently sorting out my PC so now it runs nicely and looks cool. Thats about it...

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Yes I too am a lumberjack

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Another day gone tomorrow the psychologist beckons, we'll talk. I'll come home feeling odd again.

Spent some time tonight on the chatbox thingy, odd software not sure I like it. But chatted away any way.

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I don't wanna be a boy I wanna be a girl, I wanna do things that makes your hair curl...

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Sunday ruddy sunday...

Gah in the country there is no public transport on a sunday so I've been stuck at home all day, some reading some runescape some riting, the three 'R's then.
I posted my story list yesterday and promptly thought up two new stories I'll leave it a week and post a revised list next week so I can see how little I have done.

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Let me take you down 'cos I'm going to...

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Settle, thats my closest town BTW. It's in the Yorkshire Dales an area of outstanding natural beauty (well I think so) in northern england. It's saturday so shopping to be done, my mums friend is coming up to stay on the train, so after shopping we will take her home with us....

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And Now?

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It's very early thursday morning (UK) it's horrible out but now....

Now I'm okay I'm alive, each time I feel really down like I did earlier I try and analyze why I'm down, I still havn't reached an answer, partly it's the whole gender thing, inside I'm ?????? outside I'm male, I really wish that I was a classic case of Gender Dysphoria then I could say to the pychologists I am a woman trapped in a mans body. But I can't, I don;t feel this way but I know that the person inside me is not male , I'm just not certain she is female either. I do know I cannot bear to see myself in the mirror pictures of me make me feel sick, what is worse my mum keeps on going on about how handsome I am, is she blind?

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2B or not 2B?

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Well life gets worse, possibly, last night (Monday night) I had a dream, in it I was a soldier who when ordered to shoot some civilians killed himself, I felt the bullet kill me! Today (tuesday) I was nearly out of it how do I continue on knowing (though I don't) on the basis of a dream that death will be okay. I cannot cope with life. I used to think that surgery would be the answer chop off this, chop off that and add a bit here add a bit there then I could be happy, now I can see that it cannot happen that way, I am the archetypal male if I do have surgery I will still look like a man...
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More beasties...

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Well this morning I was ill, not bodily but mentally. Somedays I just can't see the point to anything, it's mainly 'cos I'm lonely. Then after lunch I helped re-round up the 2 cows that are due to be eaten which is in a way sad but they've had good lives. Then I played more runescape. I really need to get on with some work soon... Found out today that my cousin who I'm quite close to is splitting up with her husband of a year, so tonight I'm feeling a little sad, partly for her and partly for him.
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You COW....

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So today, has been okay, little down but then I am all the time. Spent most of the morning and early afternoon reading through the Whateley Academy stories. This after noon I spent a fair amount of time rounding up (or helping to) rounding up my parents small herd of (biddable) cows. Okay so there not biddable, they're evil little buggers. Then after tea I've been reading more about the academy and playing my current fave game 'Runescape' which incase you don't know is a MMORPG set in medeavil(sp?) times with magic and stuff to flesh it out.
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There and back just to see how far..........

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Well now, first time with a blog, um like a diary huh? Well slept late today because I read a Philip Pullman book last night 'The Tiger in the Well' big fan of his. Currently working on a blog for.... ah yes and reading a runescape site. Where I am making various comments about my other hobby. I spent sometime last night sorting through my soon to be completed fiction collection or not I'm working off and on (more off) on about 10 stories of various lengths, so back to the drawing board.
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