Well life gets worse, possibly, last night (Monday night) I had a dream, in it I was a soldier who when ordered to shoot some civilians killed himself, I felt the bullet kill me! Today (tuesday) I was nearly out of it how do I continue on knowing (though I don't) on the basis of a dream that death will be okay. I cannot cope with life. I used to think that surgery would be the answer chop off this, chop off that and add a bit here add a bit there then I could be happy, now I can see that it cannot happen that way, I am the archetypal male if I do have surgery I will still look like a man... Unless I can find a way to lobotomize myself I am stuck in this twilight world of pain and horror. And then I read of Joyce's problems mine seem insignificant, trapped in the wrong body it sounds like a TG story gone wrong, sadly no-one else's problems can be as important as my own are to me. When I'm awake I cannoy stop thinking about being female when I am asleep I dream that I am female (mostly) but I'm not I can't bear to see myself in a mirror.......... JC