Drew Goes South Chapter 15 by Angharad Copyright© 2022 Angharad

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(title picture Andrea Piacquadio)
Drew was very quiet as they drove back from the airport. He felt a sinking in his heart inversely proportional to the rise in the aircraft as it took off. He waved frantically and was sure he saw his mother wave back. Reality meant he didn't even know if she had a window seat. It could have been anyone waving. But at least he had waved; sending his love with each movement of his hand. Then he had wept. He tried not to; screwing up his hands to distract himself. His eyes, and tear glands in particular; had other plans. His eyes flooded with salty water until it rolled in big drops over his eyelids and down his cheeks. He lost control a short time later, and sobbed on Carol's shoulder as she hugged him, whispering words of comfort as she did.

Finally, he calmed down and they got back to the car and set off for the cottage. He went up to his room. He wanted to be alone. He felt very vulnerable and almost bereaved. He also felt very stupid. He was thirteen for God's sake! Thirteen-year-old boys don't cry. He did. Was this another undermining of his masculinity? It felt very threatened. He felt threatened. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up back at home with his mother and father and sister all there; permanently.

He knew it was a nonsense. Jules wanted to go to uni and he might too. His dad went off on business trips occasionally and of course there were the cycle races. Bloody cycle races!

Suddenly he felt angry about them. Cycling had taken his mother away from him; away from her family. She shouldn't have gone! He hated her for leaving. How could she leave him?

He sat on his bed, the tears flowing freely. He didn't hate her; he loved her so much. He missed her so much. He understood why she had to go. He simply didn't like it. It was a loss; even though he knew she would come back.

He lay back on the bed and something rustled underneath him. It made him jump for a moment. Then after the initial surprise he rose and pulled the bedclothes back. Underneath was a parcel in gift wrapping. He extracted it from the bedclothes.

Wiping his eyes; he read the small card attached to the paper by a fancy bow. The paper was silver with little teddy bears all over it. The card matched it. It said: “ To my brave ‘younger daughter'. I thought this might come in useful. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. All my love, Mum. XXXX”

The package was soft, it was obviously clothing of some sort. The card indicated it was going to be a girly gift. It rankled him a little, but a prezzie is a prezzie; so he opened it. Inside was a beautiful, pale blue nightdress. It had spaghetti straps and was of a silky material. It was full length. On closer inspection it was made of silk. Even Maddy didn't have a silk nightie. It was beautiful. Yet part of him was angry. Why couldn't she have brought him a cycling shirt or shorts? If not something boy, then unisex would have done. But this, this, beautiful thing was probably expensive and for a part of him which was at best transient, and which he was determined he'd never be again. It was a waste of money!

He felt hurt and he felt confused. It was his mother's fault he got into skirts in the first place, with her ‘ Xena' charity ride. Now she seemed to want to keep him there. Why did everyone seem to want him to be a girl? He was a boy; wasn't he? He was beginning to wonder. He felt exhausted, curled up on the bed clutching the new nightie, and fell asleep. He was still asleep when Maddy came to see how he was an hour later.

“Come on sleepy head.” She stroked his head as she said it. “Wotcha got there?” She said gently pulling the nightdress.

“Wha ...?” He roused himself and stretched. “Oh, it's you.”

Maddy picked up the wrapping paper, and read the card. “So who's been getting prezzies then?” She asked, although it was largely a rhetorical question. He let go of the nightie so she could examine it more closely. Holding it up she said, “Oh, Gabs, this is absolutely beautiful. You must wear it tonight. I wish someone loved me enough to give me a silk nightie.”

“Send your mother to Germany for ten months of the year; I'm sure she'd give you one as well.”

“There's no need to be bitchy or sarky. I'm only admiring your present. I think you are very lucky. Your mum must love you very much.”

“Not enough to stay here.” He said this looking at his feet, and tears began to form in his eyes.

“Gabs, that isn't fair and you know it.”

“It's alright for you … your mother is here … not a thousand miles away.” This statement was punctuated by pauses as tears rolled down Drew's face, dripping onto the bed.

Maddy looked at him. “Hey Tiger; I know you miss her and she does you. You did agree to her going; remember?”

“I didn't realise I'd miss her so much.” He sobbed and Maddy sat alongside him; her arm around him rubbing his back gently.

“It's not like she's gone forever; she is coming back and you do see her now and again; and talk on the phone.”

“I kno, (sniff) I know, all that.” Drew paused wiping his nose on his hand. “But sometimes that makes it worse; reminding me what I don't have and everyone else does.”

“You've got a brill dad,” said Maddy brightly. “I think Uncle Dave is ace.”

“I know all that and I'm glad of it. But it doesn't stop me missing my mum.” He sniffed some more, and more salty water dripped onto the bed.

Maddy looked him in the face. She wanted to say, “Your make up is a total wreck.” Knowing that would be to slap him in the face she said instead; “Come on dry your eyes; let's show your prezzie to Mum.”

Eventually he did control his tears and they went down to Carol who was preparing tea. “Oh that's really nice, Gaby; are you going to wear it tonight? Then it would be like having your mum with you each night; knowing that she's thinking of you.”

“I hadn't thought of it like that Auntie Carol.” He paused for a moment, holding tightly on to the nightdress. “Yes, yes, I will wear it tonight.” He smiled in a wistful way as he said this. Carol understood and smiled back.

“Look it's going to be at least half an hour before tea is ready, why don't you go for a quick ride?”

“Yeah, why not? Coming Mad?” His whole countenance brightened up, and after he went up to change Carol heaved a sigh.

“Wanna call for the boys?” asked Maddy.

“Not specially; why, do you?”

“Not specially.” Maddy replied. 'Perhaps it is better not to for the moment. He needs to get over his mum again. It's probably better with just the two of us; he might even have been better on his own,' she thought to herself.

They set off at quite a fast pace; Maddy struggling to keep up at times, she allowed it to happen without complaint. It was his way of integrating his emotions and his thoughts. 'Besides,' she thought; <>'It's one way of working up an appetite, while working off the previous meal.'

She let him go when he shot off up a steep hill, he'd eventually get the message that she didn't need to kill herself, even if he did. When she eventually got to the top, he was sat on the grass looking at something intently in a nearby bush.

“What you doing?” she whispered to him.

“Look there,” he pointed.

“What am I looking at?”

“The shiny green thing there. It's making the chirping noise.”

All Maddy could see was vegetation and yet more vegetation, she persevered and finally she saw the ‘shiny green thing'. A large, grasshopper like bug, a great green bush-cricket, which turn up in the southern counties in mid to late summer.

They rode home and after a good evening meal, Maddy suggested they call Harry to see if he knew the name of the bug. Reluctantly, Gaby agreed. “You know what he'll say?” she said to Maddy.

“If I knew what it was called, we wouldn't need to phone him,” she replied.

“He'll say something like, Albert or Bill,” said Gaby.

“Don't tell me; ‘cos he's a boy,” quipped Maddy.

“Yeah, how did you guess?” said Gaby rather deflatedly.

“‘Cos I'm a girl like you.”

“But I'm not am I?” he moved his foot on the carpet and stared at it intently.

“It was meant as a compliment. It makes you a superior life form,” she said smirking at him.

“Oh well that's alright then,” he quipped bac,; refusing to be drawn any further down that road.

They phoned Harry, who invited himself round complete with a book on bugs. “It sounds like a great green bush cricket,” he said, looking for the appropriate page number in the index. “There,” he said, opening the book to the required page.

“That's the one,” said Gaby while Maddy nodded her agreement. “I didn't see a big sting thing on its back, though,” Maddy shook her head in agreement.

“It's not a sting; it's a modified ovipositor,” said Harry. He only knew this because his local scout master had pointed it out to him; but knowledge is power.

“What's a modified ovi what'sit?” said Gaby.

“A thing for laying eggs,” beamed Harry.

"How come chickens don't have one then?” quipped Gaby.

“Because they don't lay eggs into the ground.”

“Ugh!” said Maddy, “If they did, we'd have to dig them up,” at this they all grimaced and laughed.

“Would you like to go and see a film?” asked Harry.

“When?” retorted Gaby, thinking, 'Oh, no, not the dreaded back row fumble?'

“Tomorrow.”

“Which one?” asked Maddy, making sure she wouldn't be left out.

“ Shrek. I hear it's very funny.”

“Eddie Murphy isn't it?” said Maddy.

“Yeah, I think it is, wanna go then?”

“I need to get some race practice in,” said Gaby trying to change the subject.

“We could go tomorrow evening. Will's dad will take us, I'm sure.”

“Take you where, young man?” Carol had wandered out to the dining room where the teens were.

“Into Weymouth, to the multiplex,” answered Harry.

“Well if he takes you, I'll collect you. How's that?”

“Great,” smiled Harry not noticing Gaby behind him silently saying, “Shit!” and shaking her head, much to Maddy's amusement.

After he'd left, Drew said accusingly to his aunt, “Why did you have to agree to us going to the pictures with those boys?”

“I assumed you wanted to go. You didn't say you didn't; did you?”

“I was building up to it,” said Drew, desperately racking his brain for a suitable excuse.

“You need to be faster Gaby, or some boy will have his wicked way while you're still thinking about it.”

“Geez Auntie Carol, that's really cheered me up, I don't think.”

“Hey Gabs, Fawlty Towers is on,” called Maddy from the lounge, referring to a popular comedy series starring John Cleese as Basil Fawlty, a hotel owner. Then it was bed time, and the new nightdress.

Jenny had chosen perfectly. The fit was good. Gaby stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom. In this thing Drew really had disappeared; replaced by a beautiful young woman. He tried not to think about it too much, concentrating on the positive side. It meant his mum was thinking about him and he had a reminder of her. So metaphorically, his mum was with him. That felt good.

“Are you decent?” called Maddy from the other side of the door. When he hesitated, she added. “Come on; let's see it then.”

He hesitated a moment or two longer; not deliberately. It was just the feel of the garment. It was like … silk. He almost laughed out loud at himself. But it did feel nice. He might even get used to it, and well, if it meant he had his mum with him and felt this good, he might just continue to wear it at home.

“Why are we waiting; why are we waiting ...?” Sang Maddy from the landing outside his door. “Come on Gabs; what's keeping you?” Then as the door opened; “Kewel! That is one posh nightie. You look like a princess.” She dropped a mock curtsey.

“Any more from you and I'll have you sent to the tower,” said Gaby, eyes twinkling.

Maddy; not to be outdone as a drama queen, threw herself on the floor grasping at the hem of Gaby's nightdress and said in a feeble voice, “Oh no not the tower. Please don't send me to the tower.”

“Oh alright then, give me a hug instead,” as they were hugging, Carol arrived.

“Let's see, oh Gaby; that is absolutely lovely. You must let Maddy take a picture for your mum. Where's your camera?” She asked a blank space, Maddy had already gone to fetch it. Two ticks later and Drew was made to pose this way and that as Maddy took several photos.

“Why do you need so many?” asked Drew, thinking one would do.

“One for your mum, one for me, one for Harry, one for ….”

“You're not going to give one to Harry, I forbid it.”

“Tough cheese princess; it's suddenly become a republic,” retorted Maddy and waltzed off to her bedroom leaving Gaby stamping her foot on the landing.

The garment was comfortable to sleep in; and clutching his fluffy bunny; Drew went off to sleep thinking of his mother and pretending she was all around him as the nightdress was. He slept well that night.

He awoke the next morning feeling rested and relaxed. The nightdress was so comfortable, and he was still clutching his fluffy bunny. He was curled up in a foetal position. It was daylight but he had no idea of time. He tried to doze until he heard the others rising; then he thought about the evening. They were going to the cinema. Shit! He was going to the cinema with his ‘boyfriend'.

Irritatingly, he hadn't actually agreed to go. It had been assumed he would by Harry and by Auntie Carol. How did he get into these situations? Bummer!

'Why does everyone assume I'm a girl?' he asked himself as he went to the bathroom. He sat to urinate; it was second nature; but the irony passed him by. He stood in front of the mirror, in the nightdress; no makeup but with painted finger and toenails; holding a fluffy toy he posed this way and that. In his mind he could easily see why everyone thought he was a girl, but he wanted to see something else. He wanted to see Drew the cycling ace, but hard as he looked, he couldn't find him. He wasn't there.

He sat on the edge of the bed holding tightly the fluffy bunny; tears were in his eyes. 'What has happened to me? How did it happen? Why did it happen? What was going to happen?' Oh boy that was too scary to even think about; let alone speak out loud.

He was so wrapped in his thoughts; he didn't hear Maddy come in, “Would Princess Gaby like to partake of some breakfast?” she said brightly. When he didn't respond to her joke; except to clutch the bunny even tighter; she realised something was wrong. “You okay?” she asked, watching a tear roll down his cheek.

“What's the matter?” she asked putting her arm around him. He said nothing but began to sob. She pulled him tighter, and he turned to face her resting his head on her shoulder as she rubbed his back. “What's the matter, Gabs? You can tell me,” she spoke softly and reassuringly.

He continued to cry for a few minutes longer while Maddy tried to comfort him. When she asked what the problem was again, he replied in faltering tones, “I don't know who I am any more, or what I am.”

“You're my cousin and a very lovely one,” she squeezed him as she said it.

He half laughed but continued sobbing gently, “Who am I, Maddy?”

“Whoever you want to be,” she replied diplomatically.

“I don't think I am anymore.”

“What do you mean?” she asked rubbing his back again.

“I just wanted to be me, Drew, but no one seems to believe me anymore. Even my mother seems to want a second daughter.”

“No she doesn't, she wants you to be happy in whichever role you feel is more appropriate.”

“So why did she give me a nightdress?”

“Because you are in Gaby mode, and it's more appropriate.”

“She could have given me jammies; no one would see them when I'm in bed.”

“Perhaps she thought you would like the nightdress. You do, don't you?”

“Yes, in a way I do.”

“So what's the problem?” asked Maddy.

“I'd have preferred something for Drew,” he began sobbing again.

“Come on, she probably saw the nightie and fell in love with it. Then hearing you were in Gaby mode and knowing you didn't have many nighties; she gave it to you. After all, she had nothing to do with you being Gaby this time did she?”

“No I s'pose not.”

“And it is a lovely nightie.”

“Yes, it is,” he allowed, shuddering as he tried to stop a sob.

“I'll bet it's comfy too?”

“Yes, it was.”

“And it looks lovely on you.”

“Does it?”

“You know it does, and you like it; don't you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You like the way it looks on you, which is why you feel confused about yourself. Correct?” She held him tightly as he thought about her last statement. Whatever he said she knew she was right. He was too natural to be role-playing. Gaby was a part of him or he a part of her; whichever way round it was.

“Does that mean I like being a girl?”

“Sometimes I think you do. It's possibly gone on a bit longer than you would have liked, but that's just the way it is.”

“But I'm a boy,” he pulled himself away from her almost maternal embrace. He looked her in the eye, then glanced at the floor. “I am a boy, aren't I?”

“If you say so.”

“Does that mean you don't think I am?”

“Look, Gabs, it doesn't matter what I think; it's how you feel about it that counts.”

“That's the problem. I don't know anymore.”

“Look, stop thinking about it just enjoy yourself as a girl for the next few days then we're back home and you can talk to your dad or Jules about it.”

“Why can't I talk to you about it?”

“You can, but while you're in Gaby mode; the rules expect me to treat you as such.”

“Sod the rules, tell me what you think.”

“I think I need to have breakfast,” she answered and left the room.

It was at times like this that he would have liked to hit someone; he felt very frustrated. 'Why couldn't she have answered? Did she avoid it because she knew I wouldn't like the answer? Does she think I ought to be a girl? Does she think I like being a stupid girl? Just because my mother wants another daughter; that's what this is all about! Everyone wants me to be a girl; well I'll show them.'

He paused in his thoughts. How was he going to show them? He had no idea. He could either be so horrible that everyone would know he was really a boy, but that would then hurt everyone; himself included. It would also make Cheeseman's day; he'd be able to mock Harry even more, accusing him of not knowing the difference between boys and girls, or worse; accusing him of being gay. He couldn't do that to Harry.

What else could he do? The opposite would be to become so girly that it ticked everyone off. But could he do that, and what exactly would it involve? He wasn't sure, it wasn't just the opposite of the hooligan: it was far more complex than that. Then the sixty four dollar question: did he really want to do it; become more girly?

Realising it is easier to think on a full stomach, he went down the stairs unaware he was still in the nightdress and holding the bunny.

“Hi, Gabs, plenty of toast here,” said Maddy, “Need some lettuce for Bunny?”

“What?” said Drew, half in a daze, “lettuce?”

“For your rabbit,” she pointed at the soft toy he clasped to himself.

“Oh, I didn't realise I had it with me.”

“Come and sit down, Gaby.” said Carol. “Cereal and toast on the table, tea's just mashing.” After he'd sat down, she asked, “So how was the nightdress?”

“Fine; thanks, yeah, it was okay,” he began to eat a slice of toast and seemed less animated than usual.

“So what's the plan for today?” she asked looking him in the eye. He'd been crying, his eyes were sore; she needed to speak to him; preferably without Maddy as an audience.

“Dunno, I'd like to get out on a bike at some point, then we've got this stupid film thing this evening. Is there anything you'd like to do Auntie Carol?”

“Not especially, but thanks for asking. What about you, Madeleine, anything you want to do?”

“We haven't been to the beach yet, not properly. You know go for a swim, get sand in your knickers; that sort of thing. How d'you fancy that ,Princess Gaby?”

“What's with the ‘Princess Gaby' bit?” Carol demanded of Maddy.

“In that nightdress; Gaby looks like a princess. It's only a bit of fun.”

“Does Gaby think it's fun too?” Carol asked of her cousin's child.

Not wanting to cause any bad feeling or drop Maddy in trouble Drew answered, “It's okay, I s'pose this is a bit posh for everyday wear,” he tugged at the nightdress as he said it.

“I don't agree, I think every day is special enough to wear nice things so you wear it as long or as often as you want. Don't take any notice of little miss jealousy.”

“I am not jealous,” said Maddy storming out of the dining room and up to her own bedroom, leaving Carol a moment to speak to Drew alone.

“Has she been teasing you Gaby? please tell me if she has,” Carol put a hand on his shoulder as she spoke.

“No. No she hasn't, honest,” he looked down at his lap as he spoke and Carol wasn't sure if he was being protective of Maddy or being truthful.

“Okay,” she said, “I believe you, but tell me, what's making you unhappy? I can see you've been crying. Please tell me Gaby, I want to help.”

“It's nothing Auntie Carol,” a tear rolled down his cheek.

“If it's nothing sweetheart; why is it upsetting you now?” she clasped his hands and he stole a glance at her. She managed to hold the eye contact longer than he liked, but he knew he could trust her, “Come on kiddo; you can tell me. I promise I won't repeat anything to anyone.”

The dam began to crumble; the trickle began to become a flow. “I don't know anything anymore,” he sobbed, “I don't know who I am or what I am.”

“There, there,” she cooed holding his hands, “Who do you want to be?”

“I don't know,” he sobbed, “I feel really confused.”

“That's okay, sometimes we take a long time to know ourselves and understand what we really want. Sometimes it isn't what we thought it was, but changing it isn't always easy.”

“I know,” he said. “I'd just like to go back to being me, Drew, but I can't because I've agreed to ride this bike thing, and I'd be letting Harry and William down.”

“No one is forcing you to stay as Gaby. If you really want to change back I'll get your dad to come and get you, or I'll take you back myself and come back for the car.” She squeezed his hands as she said this. “I'll phone Matt and tell him you're not well and I sent you home. See; things can be changed.”

Drew looked her in the eye. “You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would, you'd do it for me wouldn't you?” he nodded his agreement, then the dam burst, the flow became a torrent.

He ended up sitting on Carol's lap, holding bunny in one hand with the other over his face, which was on her shoulder, he was upset and embarrassed and frightened. This wasn't how teenage boys behaved. It was more like six year old girls, he hated himself, but he couldn't stop. He cried for ten minutes with Carol making soothing noises as she rubbed his back.

Maddy in full sulk stormed into the dining room beating a discreet retreat a moment later.

“So, do you want to go home?” asked Carol, as he seemed to calm down.

“It's okay,” he said, “I think I can cope for a few more days.”

“You don't have to, I'll get you home if you want.”

“No I'll stay, I want to ride that race.”

“Do you want me to cancel this evening? are you worried about what Harry might try in the cinema?”

“No, it's okay, I think I can handle him,” suddenly the double entendre in what he'd said occurred to him. It struck Carol a moment earlier. They both laughed. “Handle him; yuck.”

“If you do, make sure you wash your hands afterwards,” she commented, and they both roared again.

Maddy curious as to the sudden change in mood from downstairs came to investigate, “What's so funny?” she asked.

“Gaby was talking about Harry,” said Carol.

“I thought you liked him?” she asked of Gaby.

“He's alright for a boy, I s'pose,” replied the wunderkind. At this remark Carol really did begin to appreciate Drew or Gaby's dilemma, her heart really ached for him/her; whichever he/she would eventually become, whichever it was the odds were very close either way.