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After posting my last story about a trans boy coming out to his parents, I wondered which sex is most accepting.
Did you find mother's, sisters, grandmothers or aunts. Or were the males more accepting.
In my story the character was devastated that his mother rejected him, where his father accepted his longing to be a woman.
This was meant to be a twist. I just (wrongly?) assumed that women would be more likely to sympathise.
Was I wrong?
Comments
I think
I think that's more personality-determined rather than gender.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Thanks Erin. I suppose I'm
Thanks Erin. I suppose I'm guity of gender stereotyping. I really should know better.
When I was meeting guys as Leeanna, a few years back, many would tell me sad stories about ex-wives.
You only get one side of it though. It seemed like they were married to monstersI
Leeanna
People are different
In my own case of coming out, it was complicated by the fact that I was not only coming out as TG but also as a lesbian and poly.
Mom could almost handle me being a girl... almost... and was willing to accept that my 1st co-wife and I were still in love and were in fact lesbians... but she flipped out at the idea of my co-wife and I having a poly relationship with our 2nd co-wife. Even then though, she made efforts to keep communication going. They were bad efforts that at times bordered on flimsy excuses as to why she couldn't come see her grandchildren, but the effort was maintained constantly. She still screws up and reveals her true thoughts from time to time... that she thinks of me as her son still... but she seems to want to try to see me the way I am.
My father on the other hand could accept me staying with my co-wife and even adding our 2nd co-wife to our relationship, but couldn't handle the idea of me being his daughter. He was utterly convinced that someone had 'done this' to me... made me want to be a girl and later a woman. He broke of contact for 7 years and would likely have never spoken to any of us ever again, but when our youngest son was nearly killed in a car wreck he manned-up and came to the hospital. When he saw how happy I was as myself, (countered by the worry over our son, who was fine eventually) happier than he'd ever known me, even at a time of utter grief, it flipped a switch in him. From that day forward he was totally accepting of it all... comes over to dinner every Saturday night... has gone on countless family vacations with us... even spent two weeks in a cross-country camping trip, sleeping in the same pop-up trailer with the five of us! (me, my 2 co-wives, and our 2 sons) To him, I'm now just his daughter... PERIOD... the same as my older sister.
Speaking of my sister... when I came out she was the primary driving force for my family cutting me off for 7 years. She was convinced that I was just trying to be like her... to take attention away from her... and that I was being selfish to "put the family through all this" for my own desires. (never mind the first 35 years of my life that I essentially sacrificed for their comfort... trying to claim the rest for myself and my family was being selfish with my life) To this day she can barely tolerate to call me 'Bobbie'... my nickname when I was little.
Meanwhile her husband, my brother-in-law, a Hispanic über-macho Catholic, seems to delight in referring to me as "your sister" to my sister, and seems to go out of his way to treat me like a lady... complimenting me on being a good mother... a good wife... and a good daughter... in front of my sister. It's because of him that my niece and nephews began calling me Aunt Roberta.
Then you have my mother's next younger sister, my Aunt, who seems to be accepting... except that she introduces me to people as "my nephew"... and makes a big deal out of me being TG when I have asked her to not to. (I actually 'pass' quite easily and no one would know if they weren't told... which is how I want it to be)
Compare that to my youngest Aunt, my mother's youngest sister, who is an ultra-religious born-again Christian, who defends me at every turn and will stand up to anyone, even her own husband if they misgender or deadname me. (she once told him off, in front of the whole family, for trying to misgender me saying, "That's my niece!")
Then there's my mother's only brother who barely speaks to me and when he does it's only to insult me, telling me what a horrible person I am for "doing this to your kids". (meaning telling them the truth about who their mother is... which he doesn't seem to realize that they always knew... my 1st co-wife saw to that)
So even in my complex circumstances it's a mixed bag of acceptance and gender doesn't seem to be a factor. People are people. There are those that can be accepting and those that refuse to do so. Male or female doesn't seem to matter; who they are inside does.
Hope this helps. YMMV.
Hugs,
Roberta
Edit: TL/DR: What erin said... :^Þ
Wow Roberta, that is a mixed
Wow Roberta, that is a mixed bag. I'm glad your dad is good with you now. I'm sure he ejoys being a male role model to your sons. What did surprise me was the religious relations supporting you. I think that is wonderful.
Leeanna
Parental Hostility
While my mom was very much not accepting when it first came out, and was openly hostile and dismissive of me verbally, I do believe before she passed, that she came to terms with it and wanted to make amends, but we were too far apart before her passing to really make amends.
On the other hand, my step father was openly physically hostile including pining me to the wall at one point, and telling me the only reason I was allowed to visit their home, was because my Mother wanted me there. He made no bones at hiding his disgust.
The first real acceptance I found "in the world" other than on the internet, were a band of misfit friends who whole heartedly accepted me and stood up for me even if their normal vocabulary used the word "gay" in a demeaning and derogative tone. I literally showed up to our gathering one day dressed, and while they were taken aback, it took about 2 hours for everything to be as normal as it could be. Never misgendered or miss-named once.
You will always find acceptance in the places you expect to find it the least.
It was surprising and time changed things
My mother was passed when I came out 30 years ago. That left my father, brother and friends. My father said "better you than me" and we went right back to our cold relationship. My brother accepted until he saw me. Shortly thereafter I was "banned" from contacting any and all family. Future calls went to answering machine or were just picked up and hung up. My in-laws at the time were not but they pretended they were. (the things said behind my back were horrid). Friends were somewhat accepting. It was the ones who I was sure wouldn't accept that did. And some I was sure would, did not.
This is a tough question to answer…….
All of my grandparents passed before I came out, and truly I was never close with them anyway. The same being true of my parents - my relationship with them was pretty well non-existent from the time I achieved adulthood. To be completely honest, I didn’t care whether they accepted my true self or not.
My father died shortly after I transitioned full time, without ever meeting the real me. I spoke with my mother a few times over the phone prior to his passing, and she seemed accepting of me - but that could simply be her not really dealing with it. You see, my name is gender neutral so I did not change it, and in a one-on-one conversation you don’t normally refer to the other person in the third person - so no use of pronouns. In fact, the first time any of my extended family saw me was my father’s interment ceremony.
The results of that were mixed. My mother and I actually have a better relationship now than ever before. Of my two sisters, one is accepting of me - the other not so much. My cousins are mostly indifferent, or even hostile in some cases. There are a few notable exceptions to that. The only relatives I stayed in touch with over the years were my father’s brother’s daughters; we are very close in age and I grew up closer to them than my own sisters - they were in fact more like sisters to me. The one I was closest to is somewhat distant now, which truly surprised me. Of course, she is much more religious than I am, but one of her nieces came out as a lesbian after high school, was disowned by her parents, and my cousin basically took her in as her own daughter. Based on that, I felt she would be more accepting. She does understand, and is accepting of me - but she obviously has difficulties with it.
Her older sister, who is in fact only a few weeks different in age from me, was extremely accepting and we are even more close now than we were before. The fact that her son is questioning his own gender obviously contributes to this, but who am I to care why she accepts me?
Of my immediate family, my middle son was instantly accepting of me - and we are much closer now than we ever were before. My oldest son accepts me as I am, but we had a rocky time for a while as he was very protective of his mother - who was very hurt and upset by my decision. When I first discussed things with her she was understanding - but begged me not to transition. Her idea was to continue to hide myself and pretend to be male, or to keep me as the dirty little secret in the closet; I could wear whatever I wanted at home, but in public I had to pretend to be male.
I honestly tried to ignore who I really am for her and continue to pretend to be male. I lasted about six months and as I became more and more suicidal, it became obvious that my only choice was live as my true self, or die. When I made that decision and told her, she essentially decided our marriage was over - and that is where my oldest son’s attitude came from. The good part is that her resolve lasted about ten days, and then she called me and let me know that she didn’t care, that I was still the person she fell in love with and married. That was roughly six years ago, and we are still together - and my relationship with her is better than ever. I am the same person - just a better, happier version of that person.
My youngest son had the hardest time adjusting. It took him a few years, but as he matured and realized that I am not going anywhere, I am not going to run off with some random man, things have gotten better. I think he has also realized that he was blaming me for some of his own issues.
So, a pretty mixed bag of reactions - and really no clear delineation between genders as to acceptance.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Goodness, it was a very long time ago.
From memory my mother was concerned she'd done something to cause it, but she accepted me, or so she said. We got on all right I suppose, but then she was in Australia and I was in the UK. However, when I went out to Aus to look after her for a couple of months to give my brother a break, she'd been in hospital, and needed help showering. I was quite nervous, I was going to see my mother naked for the first time, I was also going to get wet, so I stripped off as well. She looked me up and down(I was post op) and said, "You've got a good pair of thighs." That was all she said.
I had an aunt who lived with me, she was very supportive until she died in 2010 and saw mw as her niece and god-daughter. My elder brother had no problems and had dealt with a colleague, so he had some experience and his wife was okay, too. My younger brother wasn't and I haven't seen him for 20 or more years. My son had problems, partly because he felt he lost his dad at a time when he felt I should have been there, but it all got worse after he got married, his wife didn't like me. My mother's eldest sister seemed okay about it, though didn't get to meet me as she died suddenly while we were planning her coming to visit me. The middle sister, possibly through husband pressure didn't like what I did and I haven't heard from them for years.
My ex-inlaws were not very happy with it and I have the fun of being at my ex's house when they arrived and they had to cope with me politely. In recent years they didn't even recognise me. Friends, some coped some didn't, colleagues all seemed to cope or to my face they did.
Nowadays, I don't even tell new people, I've spent more time as female than I did as male, so feel like I've served my apprenticeship and besides I'm an old biddy now, so more or less invisible to most casual observers - do I care? Not really.
Angharad
Well,
I never did come out to my father, but when I was in 4th grade and came home in a dress from spending the afternoon with my best friend Deanna, my mother hit me several times and almost killed me. It traumatized me to such an extent that I blocked the event completely and didn't remember it until I was in counseling when I was in my mid 20's. To this day, I can't remember much of my childhood before 6th grade, and nothing before that incident in 4th grade!
Bloody hell! That's a hell of
Bloody hell! That's a hell of a reaction
Angharad "I'm an old biddy now, so more or less invisible to most casual observers ." I gave that advice to a TV who desperately wanted to pass in public. Go for the old lady look. No one ever give them a second look. Sad but mostly true. It amazes me the amount that wear mini skirts 6-inch heels. Ru-Paul makeup and complain about being read.
It seems there is no preferred sex to "come out" to. Mostly unpredictable at best.
Leeanna