Rita looked towards the stack of DVDs as the film ended, and it was clear that she wanted to watch the next one, but the clock was most definitely against her. Pablo spoke softly to her, and she simply nodded, before rising and coming round to face us both. A hug and a kiss for her father, the same for me, and she was off to bed, while I was still settled against him, afraid of breaking the spell. As the hall door closed, he almost whispered my name.

“Yes?”

“What are we doing?”

I took a couple of deep and slow breaths, trying to pull my heart back down from its location near my tonsils.

“I think… I think we each have ideas, my friend, but at the moment… At the moment, we are getting to know each other better”

He was silent for a few seconds, than nodded, slowly.

“Yes. I think that is right. Would you please sit up?”

Shit, I thought. That’s the end of that little episode. He shuffled sideways until his arm was on the rest to his right, and then, to my astonishment, simply raised his left arm in a clear invitation. As I settled against him once more, he spoke softly into my ear.

“You are--- No! I was going to say you are heavy, but that would have been rude, and it is simply that if you lean against me, it is easier if I have a support”

“Um… okay”

I wriggled a little to get more comfortable, and he grunted a little as I did so, and my left hand settled back onto his chest, where Rita’s had been.

“Caroline?”

“Yes?”

“If I ask questions that are too private, you must say”

“Okay”

I was being so bloody eloquent, but didn’t dare say too much, in case it was the wrong thing. His speech had a little slippage to it, and I counted back, trying to work out how much of the wine had made it into his own glass rather than mine. Dutch courage?

“You must please tell me of yourself. We both know of the thing that sits without speaking”

More slow breaths. This needs saying, woman, for good or bad.

“You mean that I am a trans woman”

“Yes. That. It is not that you are just wearing the clothes”

“No. I wear the clothes, as you put it, because they are what women wear, and I---”

“I understand. Because you are a woman. But not always so”

“I haven’t always been a woman, no. I was once a girl”

He let his head fall back, eyes closed.

“But the world disagreed with you?”

“Exactly. I tried for a while to agree with them, but that could never work”

“How did you try?”

“I did things to seem like a man, tried to live like a man, but it could never work”

His arm squeezed my shoulder, just a little.

“I think that is an obvious thing. I am unable to see you succeeding at such an act. You wear… there is an English idiom, about hearts and clothing?”

“I wear my heart on my sleeve?”

“Yes, that is the one”

I found my left hand clenching a little against his chest, and he brought his right up to soothe it, as I started to gush.

“Yeah, you are so bloody right there. All the way through school. I was bullied a lot, lucky to have been a reasonable size, I suppose. If I had been any smaller, I might not be here”

His hand almost spasmed, tightening on mine.

“You speak of… of harm to yourself?”

“Suicide rates are awful, Pablo. I was lucky enough not to end up that way. I know of others…”

I took some far deeper breaths. Let me get past this bit.

“Some people are really unlucky. There was another woman that lived nearby. Pablo?”

“Yes?”

“I am going to ask you to be very honest here, and because we are, well, sitting as we are, do not be afraid of offending me. Please describe what you see when you look at me”

He wriggled a little away from me, and I almost sat up, but he took my chin in his right hand, raising my head so that I was looking him in the eyes.

“Warts and all, like your Cromwell?”

“Please. You can’t possibly say anything worse than I have already heard”

“Okay, then. First… first, you are tall, and that is something I have always liked for a woman. You are very slim, and your walk has grace, although I can tell you do not wear the high heels often. You are not comfortable in them. Your posture, it was something I saw on the first day. You often stand as if you anticipate receiving a blow”

“Not that surprising”

“No. Not from what you have told me. Your hair, it is not too long, and as I look at your forehead, I can see that it must be the original colour”

He laughed out loud suddenly, and I waited until he spoke again, a little worried at the reaction.

“No, Caroline, my laughter is not from you. We have many blonde women in Cuba, but not many who are actually blonde. Some of them use the sort of bleach that you keep in your kitchen, and they are not blonde, but orange”

“Forget them, Pablo. Yes, this is me, not from a bottle”

“Okay. Your… For me, my preferences, your hips could be a little wider, but… Your face. You have a strong nose”

“A beak”

“No. A strong nose, one of personality, of you. Your mouth…”

He shook his head.

“Your eyes, I have never looked into grey eyes before”

“My mouth?”

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and then he simply turned his head and kissed me. No slobber, no tongue trying to gain entry; just the gentlest, softest of lips, and I found my hand cradling his cheek before he pulled back.

“Yes, your mouth. It is the way it smiles with your eyes, and I have had much to drink tonight”

I started to pull away, disappointed, and he held me in place, eyes locked on mine.

“That was not my meaning, Caroline. Not that I would do such a thing because of drinking, but that the drinking has left me freer to do what I have been desiring. I am a confused man, because I can see nobody in you but a woman, one who has been generous beyond words, and yet I know your history. There is confusion. This other woman: she was like you?”

“Yes, she was”

“And you use the past tense to describe her”

“Yes. I asked you to describe me for a reason. That woman was not as lucky as me--- she was a Royal Marine, well over six feet tall--- er, a little under two metres. She still went through her transition. Remember when we walked through the shopping centre in Crawley, the big indoor place? County Mall?”

“Yes”

“She was one of the security managers there”

He was staring at me, and I realised my eyes were leaking.

“What happened to her, Caroline?”

The tears were definitely falling now.

“Do you remember Steph and Annie, the two women at the Hawth?”

“Of course”

“That other woman was murdered by a gang of men. Thrown off a bridge over the motorway. Steph arranged her funeral, and Annie, the dark-haired girl, she… She’s a policewoman, Pablo. Steph told me that she, Annie, had the job of recovering what was left of the dead woman, from a busy road”

He muttered something in Spanish, almost spitting some of the words, and I put a finger to his lips, courage returning from somewhere.

“No, I haven’t had that, or anything like it, although I did get my cheekbone broken once”

He must have picked up on something in my expression, for his next question was on the money.

“Was this from a lover?”

I made myself snuggle back down into his embrace, my head almost on his chest, away from the temptation to simply grab his face and take more kisses. I needed some balance.

“Not quite, Pablo. It was someone I smiled at, once, a man I thought looked handsome, and he saw, and he didn’t like fucking queers. I… I have never had a lover, ever. How could I? When I looked like a man, it would have been homosexual men who would have found me to their taste. Now, well, if they were to find out who, what I am, all I can see is the man who punched me that time, or the bastards who murdered poor Melanie”

He sat in silence for quite a while, breathing slowly, before replying.

“You have not lived an easy life, have you?”

“Bears and Popes?”

“Sorry?”

“Ah, no. Sorry from me. English idioms, meaning something is really obvious. Two questions: do bears shit in the woods, and is the Pope a Catholic. Very commonly used”

“And your answer? Without the Popes and bears?”

My own turn for a pause, and then it came out.

“Pablo, I have had a far easier life than many, but it has been a safe one, and I have sublimated things in so many ways, but what it is--- I am lonely”

The deepest of sighs from him, and then almost a whisper.

“Rita and I, we understand that, since… I am going to London tomorrow, as you know. I must sleep. What are your plans? Rita is not required at the Embassy”

“Would you trust me with her? Would she be okay with me, herself?”

He laughed out loud.

“She adores you, Caroline! And how could I not trust you with her, except in the matter of fast food?”

I slipped my hand across his chest so that I could hug him more emphatically.

“Then we ride the train up together, we see you to your appointment, and then she plays tourist for the day. Can you get hold of a mobile phone?”

“I have one”

“Then get a SIM card for the UK, and take my number. I have made my own decision”

“Which is?”

“Tomorrow, you do the Embassy thing. The day after, unless there are problems, we are off camping. By car. I have some more treats for you both. Does she like castles?”

“We will find out! Now, I have much to think about, and I have to be very well-dressed for tomorrow, so I need to go to my bed”

As he kissed me a gentle goodnight before closing the door after himself, I was having an internal conversation, where the responsible Ms Nelson was explaining to the quivering Caroline that no, disappointment wasn’t on the cards, no matter how gagging-for-it she might feel. Go to bed, little girl, and be grateful for what you have just received.

---

I woke early, before either of them was down, and had the cafetiere ready for Pablo when they entered the kitchen/dining room. Cornflakes and toast would do for breakfast, as I was sure that Rita and I would top up rather early, once Papa was out of sight. Down the main road to the Station, once more in a daisy chain of held hands, Pablo in a charcoal grey suit and tie and Rita and I in jeans, as the wind was still a little gusty, and what is there to say about a day in London?

We got off the train at City Thameslink, grabbed the bus to Drury Lane, both of them fascinated by riding a ‘real red double-decker’, and left Pablo at the entrance to the Cuban Mission. Rita and I then did something I had never done before, and grabbed one of the open-topped tour buses that go round and round the sights. Her camera was never out of her hand, nor a smile far from her face, and each new wonder brought me a hug. As a rather long finale, we stepped off at Buckingham Palace for the walk back through St James’s Park, Rita chattering away in her slowly improving English and fluent Spanish, while I did my best the other way round. The pelicans brought laughter from her, but after I led her up Horseguards to the actual parade ground, I gave her what she told me later was the best part of the day. Through the arch onto Whitehall, and that day the two guards were mounted, boots and breastplates gleaming.

I wondered if I might need to splash out on another memory card for her.

Trafalgar Square was our destination, of course, and I had received a text from Pablo, which meant that he had found a suitable SIM. He met us at the foot of the Column, and I noticed he had his own camera with him.

“Caroline, did you know the Embassy is close to the British Museum?”

“Oh yes, And that is the National Gallery, and there are other museums over at Kensington, and are you dropping hints?”

He grinned, and slipped a casual arm around my waist, which brought a happy grin from his daughter.

“What was that phrase? Bears and Popes?”

“Yup! Oh… oh really!”

His eyes followed mine, and once again there was a mutter of Spanish, but it=t didn’t stop him taking several pictures.

“Pablo?”

“Yes?”

“That is called The Fourth Plinth. It doesn’t have a permanent sculpture on it, so it changes every so often. Can I ask if you are seeing what I am, and what, from her giggles, Rita has noticed?”

He just nodded.

“I think we need to move away, Caroline”

The sculpture in place was of a clenched hand giving a thumbs up sign, the thumb being about four times longer than it should have been in proportion to the rest of the fingers. The problem was that, from where we were standing, it didn’t look so much like a thumbs up, but more like a set of fingers wrapped around something stiff that is normally located further down the torso. To be clear, it looked like a rather large erection.

We did, indeed, need to leave the area, and I wondered if he might want to censor her memory card. I led the way down Northumberland Avenue to the underpass that took us to Embankment Tube Station, thus avoiding the Maccy Dee’s that sat outside Charing Cross, and rode a Circle Line train to Blackfriars for our Thameslink service to Three Bridges. Rita was still grinning, and when we found a two-facing-two set of seats, and Pablo casually settled beside me, I got a hug before she settled down at the window.

I didn’t fall asleep that time, and when we got home I simply dug out some pizzas from my freezer.

Once the meal was over, no alcohol this time, I turned to the two of them.

“Right. Tomorrow, we leave the house for a few days, so you two need to pack what you will be taking with you. We will be on the coast, and it will probably rain. There is no mud where we are going, unless you go down from the sea wall, but it will probably be windy”

Pablo was translating as I spoke, and when I said, “And if you are both good children, I might take you on a ferry ride to an island”, Rita almost spilled her coke.

I rose, gathering the plates, and smiled at her.

“Pack, yes? Then Lord of the Rings, secundo?”

They packed. I packed. I also got into my pyjamas, as did Rita, and I threw Pablo some old tracksuit bottoms that were only a little too short in the legs, and we settled down for our film, and we sat in the same way we had done to watch the first one. Yes, I got another kiss goodnight.

My sleep, however, wasn’t as restful, for the simple reason that all I could see was that huge stiffy on the Fourth Plinth; all I could hear was my own voice declaring my complete lack of experience that way. I needed to make some space, or I might ruin everything. I got out of bed, and changed the tents I had intended to take with us, so that instead of my three-person base camp fortress of a tent, I had one slightly-more than a single Vaude Taurus and a two-person Vango.

Don’t push too hard, woman, I thought, and of course, that simply made me think of that subject even more, and in the end, I did something I hadn’t managed for a very long time, hoping that neither of my guests would hear the creaking from the sofa bed.