Chapter 9: All alone

I stumbled out of bed. I was a wreck. I hadn’t been able to sleep at all, all I’d been able to think about was Joanne. I needed to pull myself together. I got up, brushed my teeth and took my pills. I went through all the motions, but my heart really wasn’t in it.

I went downstairs to make myself some bread when I noticed the food was gone. I’d eaten the last bread last night and was rudely reminded that I needed to go into town today to buy more. I checked my purse for my wallet and found that I had enough for another couple of days worth of food. Cathy had to come by quick or I’d be stuck without food. I might be able to find something to eat in the garden, there might be an apple tree or something. I hadn’t seen it yet though.

Why did Joanne leave? Oh, I knew why, I had seemed totally disgusted with the thought of becoming a vampire. Even I could see that. But I hadn’t been, truly. If only I’d been born a real girl, this would never have happened. I’d have forsaken my mortality gladly to be able to be with her forever. I wasn’t born a girl though, I was stuck with this damned body.

Reluctantly I pulled on my jacket and set out to town. I wasn’t making much speed for several reasons. The most obvious reason was how tired I was. I hadn’t been able to close my eyes a second without seeing Joanne walk out on me and the lack of sleep was taking its toll. The chances that I would run into dad made me reluctant to go and I worried a lot about what had happened to Cathy.

The weather had changed overnight and the sky was covered in dark threatening clouds. That suited my mood fine though, as it reflected my thoughts. It wasn’t raining quite yet, but it sure looked like it would any minute now.

The first houses of the village came into sight but I didn’t really notice. My thoughts were still bouncing back and forth between Joanne and Cathy. Where was Cathy? Would Joanne be back? What would become of me? Would it end up with me having to go back to dad, and suffer through the rest of my life being a boy? No! That was one thing I knew would never happen. I’d sooner end it all. If only Cathy were here, or Joanne hadn’t left.

I strolled into the grocery store, repeating the same set of thoughts over and over and over again in my head. I grabbed a basket and started gathering food. Enough for a week at least, I knew I could use the fridge now so I could get some fresh food as well. I didn’t know when Cathy would show up again, but after 5 days I was starting to fear the worst. After standing in line to pay and putting everything in a plastic bag, I suddenly heard my dad voice hollering, “Well if it isn’t the little freak!”

Before I could look around to see where he was standing I felt a heavy blow my head and was flung against the wall. Barely able to remain conscious I saw how some of the shoppers immediately went at dad, and restrained him.

“What the hell do you think you are doing beating Cathy around, John?” one of people asked. The voice sounded familiar but my world was still spinning too much to make out who it was.

“That’s not Cathy that’s William, the little freak!” dad’s voice bellowed again, shouting almost at the top of his longs.

“That… by George, you’re right,” the voice spoke up again. As my vision slowly came into focus I realized that my secret had now been blown and that before long everyone would know. I wished the floor would open and swallow me whole, away from the ridicule, the pain. But of course no such thing happened. The voice continued, “that still no reason to beat her up like that! What the hell do you think you are doing?”

“I got a proper beating in my time as well, and I grew up to be a good man too! Look at him! The freak! Nothing but a goddamned freak! That’s no son of mine, probably never was.”

I scrambled up, still pressing my body against the wall to stay as far away as possible, even though he was well restrained by now. I had to get away from. The exit was only a few feet away, and carefully I moved towards it.

“That’s right little freak! Flee! And don’t think you’re sister will help you again. She can’t, I made sure of that! Let me go damnit!” He struggled and almost got loose, making in a grab in my direction. I didn’t wait to see what would happen next and dashed for the door. I ran across the street not seeing where I was going. I heard shrieking of brakes as a car narrowly avoided hitting me, but I didn’t look around, I just kept going.

The clouds chose that moment to break and a torrent of water fell down on me and everything around me. My face was already soaking wet from my tears, but within seconds the onslaught of rain had soaked through my jacket and pants, and I was wet to the bone.

As I ran out of the village into the woods I made a wrong step, slipped and landed but first in a large puddle of rainwater. I got up again and grabbed my shopping bag and found out that the fall had made the bottom burst out and my food was spread out all through the puddle. I quickly saved what could still be saved.

All of the fresh stuff was now soaked with mud and dirt, the bottle of drink had broken. With luck there was enough food still eatable for another day or so. I’d given up on running and just walked home, sneezing and coughing, covered in mud, the rain still pouring down on me.

Finally I reached the mansion and got inside. I didn’t care anymore though, I could just as well still be standing outside. I was emotionally and physically drained, I didn’t have anyone left in the world. Maybe Joanne…

I didn’t dare to hope, but maybe Joanne would be back. If I could just speak to her I could explain I didn’t hate her. If I could just see her again it would be all right. Together we could stand it. Joanne would know what to do.

Cathy… Dad said he’d made sure Cathy couldn’t help me anymore. What had he meant? Was she ok? Joanne had promised to go look for Cathy. Would she still do that for me? If only I could talk to her, I’d tell her everything. I’d even tell her…

I’d even tell her what a freak I was. That I didn’t deserve her love. That she was right to abandon me. But I couldn’t stand the thought that she thought I was disgusted with her. It was me I was disgusted with. I could never hate Joanne. I loved her.

I curled up into a ball on the couch in the main hall, I cried and waited. The sun went down and I kept my eyes locked on the entrance to her sanctuary. But nothing happened, no one showed, least of all Joanne.

Finally after what seemed like many hours, I fell into a restless slumber.

Chapter 10: Farewell

I was awakened by the warmth of the sun on my face. It was day again, and Joanne hadn’t showed up. I was still alone. Was Joanne home, or had she really left me and the mansion? My clothes cracked as I stood up, cakes of dried up mud falling off of me.

I’d made up my mind. I’d get up, and wait at her coffin for her to wake. She couldn’t get past me then, and I’d be able to explain myself to her. I got up and, leaving a small trail of dried mud behind me as I made my way to the cellar.

Hesitantly I opened the door to her sanctuary. It was completely dark, but that was to be expected, Joanne didn’t need the light. I lit a candle and walked over to her coffin. Holding my breath I held the candle over the open coffin. It was empty. Joanne really had left.

Dad was right. I was a freak. I couldn’t even manage to keep those I loved close, I’d pushed everyone away thanks to my desire to be a girl. I’d come close, but in the end it all meant nothing. I had nothing left at all. Not even the option of going back, dad had made sure of that. Everyone probably knew by now. And now my last hope had gone. She had probably left for good.

There was no use in going on. What did the future offer me? Nothing at all.

Cathy was taken away, god knows what had happened to her. I hope that me disappearing for good will fix her problems. With me gone, dad shouldn’t have a reason to keep her locked up, or far away anymore.

Joanne would continue to live forever. I’d want her to find someone new. A real girl, who wasn’t as complicated and messed up as I was. She’d be ok, she was way stronger then I could ever hope to be. A real girl would be so much better for her then I could ever be.

I don't know what had happened to my father. He was never the sweetest of guys, but his behavior in town was beyond anything I ever expected of him, even after he hit me that first time. In the middle of the grocery store, with so many witnesses? That was just stupid. If only mom had been alive.

Mom… A single tear ran down my cheeks as I thought of her. *I’m coming mom, but if I’m going to do this I have to do it right.*

Having made up my mind an odd calm came over me, and I started to plan my demise. I didn’t know if there would be an afterlife, if there would be reincarnation, or something else altogether. But I did want to face what followed next with at least a shred of dignity. And that meant getting at least somewhat presentable

I shed the mud soaked clothes, and dropped them in a disposal bin. I let warm water fill the bath and added some oils. I sighed as I slowly submerged myself in the hot water. This I’d miss. Would they have baths in the afterlife? I didn’t waste much time in the bath though, there were things that needed to be done.

As I dried myself I pondered what I’d like to be remembered as. The choice wasn’t hard, I wanted to be remembered as Joanne’s girlfriend. That meant wearing the outfit she had picked out for me that first day we met.

One by one I retrieved the desired items. The soft green skirt, the white laced peasant blouse, the knee-high socks, and the black strapped ballerina’s. Carefully I put each item on. My hair was easy enough to do, with the length it had I had two options. Combed back with gel for boy mode, or brushed straight down for girl mode. Even if I’d wanted boy mode, there was no gel anywhere in the mansion that I knew of. But it was a moot point, there would never be boy mode again. Ever.

As I looked in the mirror I noticed that something was missing. Then I realized what it was. Makeup. Unfortunately, I had no experience with putting on the natural colors that went with this outfit, and I didn’t want to face the afterlife as a clown, so I’d have to go without. There was no mistaking me for a boy at the moment, and that was what mattered.

There was but one thing that was still gnawing at me. Joanne would have to know that she was not at fault. I didn’t know if she’d be the one that’d find me, I didn’t know if she’d ever even read it, but I had to leave her a message.

After a quick search I found a pen and paper.

Beloved Joanne,

I’ll love you forever, in this life and the next,
Willow

When I was done I set down on the bed. I’d already gotten all the pills out in a glass, and another glass containing water to wash them away. There was quite a little pile of pills in the glass, three months worth, two pills a day. Of course, two weeks had already been taken so that left… about one hundred and fifty pills. I took about 5 pills at a time, flushing them away with some water before taking the next batch.

I only came about halfway and had to refill the water twice. If I’d take anymore I’d throw up, and all my effort would have been for naught.

I lay back on the bed, not feeling very well. A half chuckle came out which was the most emotional thing that had come out of me since I’d made up my mind. Not feeling very well, what else did I expect? This was the end after all… it wouldn’t take long though, soon it would all be over. I lay on the bed silently, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for it to end.

A sharp pain stabbed through my chest, the pulsing pain that remained throbbed into my arm and neck. I felt chilled, sweaty and nauseous. I barely resisted the urge to throw up, and spoil my outfit. God knew how long I’d lay here before anyone found me. After what seemed like an eternity of agony darkness finally claimed me. It was done. Momma, here I come.
Sorry, Joanne.

- Editing by the very modest and unassuming Pippa
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