A long time ago, I happened upon a small book by C. S. Lewis (of Narnia fame) called Mere Christianity. I read it through. It was perhaps the clearest and most consistent description of Christianity that had come across. And I realized:
I'm glad I read it, because it helped me one step further on my journey of learning my own spirituality.
Today, I looked at Pamela's story Crossdresser Heaven. It's an interesting story, but it kind of made me realize:
IMHO, it's fine to be a crossdresser. But I'm not one.
I'm sure there are a lot of people here who might consider the place the story describes to be heaven. But not me. If I were in that "heaven," I think I'd say "shoot me now." To me a bra -- or panties, or pantyhose, or a dress -- are just clothes. I wear them because they in some way I can't explain express who I am inside. They make me feel like I'm not hiding myself any more.[*]
A number of years back, well before it even occurred to me that I might be trans, I bought some nylon panties. Nothing fancy, nothing you'd find in a Victoria's Secret shop, just plain ones from a local "drug store," as we call it here in the USA (a place that has make-up, shampoos and hair coloring, toothpaste and toothbrushes, etc. Is Bootes the UK equivalent?) Anyway, I assumed wearing them would feel sexy, maybe even arousing -- after all, isn't that the normal male reaction to female underwear?
Instead, it just felt normal.
Later, when I got into wearing skirts (there's a whole community of "men in skirts" people), the main thing I noticed (aside from the joy of twirling) was that I could bear to look at myself in the mirror for the first time, at least from the waist down. It just looked right. I still didn't see it as my being a woman; I just felt more comfortable with myself that way. I didn't try bras at the time because what would they hold? (I tried some breast forms someone gave me, but they didn't feel right for me.) The way I feel, bras are for people who have breasts, and I only started wearing them when HRT gave me enough to fill a AA cup (or is it AAA?)
Is this what it means to be a transsexual?
I've never had the idea that there's a girl or woman inside of me, or even that I'm "really" a woman (whatever "really a woman" means.) But dressing the way women dress (well, some women), using a traditionally feminine name, etc. -- what I call "living as a woman" -- just feels like it fits me better.
[*] Total tangent: today I heard a wonderful quote:
“If your love for me requires that I hide parts of who I am, then you don't love me. Love is never a request for silence.”
(DeRay McKesson)
"Hiding parts of who I am" pretty much describes my relationship with my family of origin. It describes my experience with most of the other adults during my growing up. I'm still struggling to believe they were wrong.
Comments
16 Years into Living As A Woman
The surgery was a huge mistake, but there is no going back. One of Teddie's stories caused me to do just lots of research and I found out that I am Shawnee Indian, so my feelings are just part of being two spirit. I don't see a need to return to living as a man, and standing up to pee would be really messy. I'd get arrested if I didn't wear a shirt. The Judeo/Christian Ethic has hurt so many, yet I still believe in a supreme being. You could say that I'm a combination of Jew, Muslim, and Christian. I do not think that Jesus intended to start a new religion, and Paul made a huge mess of everything. For a while, we had a chance to all get along and missed it. Christians of the day thought that Indians were heathens. The invaders (who are now called Pioneers) were murderous to us. In the 21st Century many are starting to see the truth, but I doubt they will apologize.
It seems to fit
Your description seems to fit the classic pattern of being a transwoman who discovers later in life. Not all of us already knew at an early age.
Anne Margarete
I am not a cross dresser
I am a happy dresser
Cross dresser, transgender call me what you will. I do not care. It does not matter. They are just made up words.
Live your life in the way that makes you totally happy whatever that may look like to others.
アンその他
I kinda think...
...the closest I'd be able to describe my spirituality is 'christian-ish'. I'd been raised as a christian, and a lot of what I learned still has meaning to me, but not everything. As far as gender stuff goes ... that's kinda gotten a bit fuzzy for me. I still feel mostly like a girl, but don't feel as strong a need to change my body as I used to. There's still some stuff I'd like to change, but surgery don't feel as important as it used to.
Thank goodness
Thank goodness that there are so many different choices. And that I don't have to live in the ones others have made for me. C.S. Lewis's Christianity is so much different than Ed Traver's. Both are different from Aquinas and those are different from Pastor John C. Hagee. And none of them is at all like mine.
That's one of the funny things about words. We can all use the same word and think we agree. While at the same time be no closer to agreement than when we started. "Crossdresser" is one of those words. There is the simple dictionary definition and then there are many different continuum that start from there.
Clothes are just clothes. Flags are just flags. A table is just a table. All just different materials arranged in different ways for different purposes.
But then again Vera Wang gets a lot of attention for the way she arranges fabric. I guess that's important to some people.
Sex is just sex, gender is just gender. Expression is just expression. And whatever that other thing is, it's not much more than what it claims to be.
I am who I am. I'm the person who has all the experiences that lead me to this point. I am still fascinated by femininity, by masculinity by decoration. by tradition, by invention, By the playfulness of utility and fantasy. I'm not sure that categories and labels help much. Especially when we use them to mean such different things.
I'm off to read Pamela's story now. Thanks for the reference.
Your friend
Crash