What have we done?

Another perspective to the short story Lara Croft 2.0 and some further development.

by MonicaS

Copyright © 2020 Monica S.

This story contains footnotes at the end containing some terms and references.

Chapter 1: Retrospection

“Rachel, can we talk?”

“Oh, that sounds serious, love. What’s the matter?”

“I wonder if we did okay with Kelly. Or did we cause this … horrible mess?”

“What do you mean, Linda? Ah, you mean Kelly’s porn website?”

“Yes. It’s disgusting. How can she do that? I’m so ashamed. I thought that we raised her to become a strong independent woman. And now she’s exposing her nude body to all these misogynistic men. I don’t want to think about what they do while looking at her images. It goes against all my feminist ideals. Perhaps we should do something about it?”

“Are you going full SWERF^[1] on Kelly? I’m not sure what to think about it either but she chose to do this on her own free will. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with her nudity even though she’s … special. It actually shows her strength and self-esteem. She’s proud to earn her own money, to be able to finance her university studies. Who would have thought that men pay so much money for a few images and videos? And with onlyfans^[2] she has as much control as possible at least.”

“I still wonder if we caused all this. What if she’s a man internally after all? Did we force womanhood on her and this is a form of rebellion now?”

“You mean our social experiment with raising her gender fluid?”

“Yes, I didn’t really like the idea of raising a boy. I’d hoped for a girl.”

“Yeah, imagine us, two radical, man hating feminists, having to raise a boy, to become what we hate. laugh Oh the good old times. We certainly are a lot more moderate and I hope wiser nowadays.”

“I certainly had some worries. Did we do wrong?”

“Well, let’s recall what we actually did. We named her Kelly, the most common girls’ name that can be a boy’s name too^[3]. That way she didn’t need to change her name regardless of what gender role she chose.”

“But it’s foremost a girls’ name.”

“I don’t think that really matters. At least she could have presented as a boy without problems. Putting her in dresses to play with girls might have been more influential.”

“But she looked so pretty in them.”

“She didn’t have much regard of that when she went outside to play in the mud though.”

“Yes, Kelly could behave like a boy regardless of how she was dressed. She’d ruin her dresses in an instant if we didn’t pay attention. So she actually wore pants or shorts most of the time.”

“But even then you often prettied her up with pigtails or a barrette.”

“I guess I couldn’t help myself. And she seemed to like it too.”

“It might have made the difference about how other people saw her. Most referred to her with ‘she’ and ‘her’ even if they knew she was born a boy.”

“We didn’t talk much with her about how she felt, did we? At least until you introduced her to Lara Croft.”

“Don’t blame me, Linda. How could I know that she’d create such a fixation on a fictional character? I just thought that she needed a female role model who’s more of a tomboy like her. We weren’t exactly good examples in that regard.”

“Not everybody can be a craftsman. We didn’t have a problem to use men for that.”

“We didn’t need them as often when Kelly grew up and began fixing stuff.”

“Yeah, she became quite good at that, too. Well, anyway, once you showed Kelly Lara Croft she always wanted to dress in shorts, tank top and boots, with her hair in a ponytail. And guns strapped to her thighs.”

“Ah, the guns. Perhaps we shouldn’t have got her the toy pistols. I certainly shouldn’t have let my brother show her how to shoot. Do you know she got real guns when she turned 18 and is sometimes running around with them?”

“Oh no, is that even legal?”

“Yes, she got a carry permit.”

“She certainly went much too far with her Lara Croft fixation. Remember how we had to show her images of Lara Croft in a dress to get her to wear dresses again?”

“Yes, but the slinky black dress we had to get her for that wasn’t really age appropriate.”

“I’m glad she eventually toned it down a bit. Even though she never let go of it. Do you remember the talk she had with Dr. Franklin, her therapist?”

“You described it often enough, how Kelly asked the doctor ‘Can you imagine Lara Croft without boobs?’ She certainly had a strong image of what she wanted to become.”

“Yes, Rachel, but how much of that was her inner self and how much did we push her in that direction?”

“We can’t be sure but she could have stopped being a girl if she wanted. We told her many times. I never saw a sign that she didn’t want to be a girl. Well, except for not wearing dresses. But that doesn’t matter as she still presented as a girl in her shorts. She’d certainly have it easier in her teens if she had gone back to being a boy.”

“Yes, she had to be strong to get through all the doctor appointments, the trouble with the bathrooms and bullies at school and so on.”

“Well, she was strong for others too. Do you remember Melissa, the other trans girl in her class? How Kelly got into quite some trouble for the fights she had to defend Melissa?”

“Yes, I’m still angry that they punished her for standing up to the bullies. I’m glad that she had learned martial arts, even though that was also a part of her Lara Croft fixation. I don’t want to think how it might have turned out if she’d lost her fights. At least she had her friends who stood by her. I still wonder how well she could connect with both boys and girls.”

“Well, with the boys it was easy. She was quasi one of them. I mean in behavior and interests, not in looks and not in body once she started hormones. She just had to make it clear that she wasn’t romantically interested in them. As for the girls, she did have some interest for girls’ stuff like makeup and fashion, enough to hold her own. I wonder though what happened when the other girls started talking about boys.”

“I actually know that she played matchmaker between her girl and guy friends. That she wasn’t interested didn’t mean she couldn’t see what others wanted in a boy.”

“Too bad the matchmaking didn’t work out so well for herself.”

“Yes, only one girlfriend in all her high school years. At least I could see her feminine side for the few months it lasted. I’d never have thought that she’d change so much for somebody else.”

“She really blossomed up as a young woman in that time and I think she retained quite a lot of that femininity. Just think about her senior prom. At least we dodged the bullet about her bringing a boy home. Could you imagine Kelly together with a boy?”

“Ugh, no.”

“Well, actually, she did bring boys home.”

“Yes, but only to play video games. Not to have … I don’t want to think about it.”

“So altogether I think she must be a woman in her core. Could she be as happy as she always is if she’d be living in the wrong gender role? And now she finally met a girlfriend and is bringing her home for Thanksgiving. Could it be better?”

“Well, if there wasn’t her porn website.”

Chapter 2: The Bombshell

“Mommy, Mama, I’m home!”

I hurried to the entrance when I heard these long missed words, with Rachel a few steps behind me. And there she was, my grown-up daughter. She’d spent her summer break at an archaeological dig, so I hadn’t seen her for quite a while. I hugged her fiercely.

“Ugh, I didn’t know you missed me that much.”

“Well, you were gone so long. So who is our guest?”

“This is Susan, my fiancée. Honey, these are my moms, Linda and Rachel.”

“Fiancée? When did that happen?” I was quite surprised. I never met Susan before and now she’s becoming my daughter-in-law already?

“I proposed last weekend. And she said yes.”

“Oh, congratulations. I’m so happy for you two.” I actually meant that. But I was worried that it was rushed. I gave Susan a hug, too.

“Congratulations from me, too,” said Rachel and then hugged both youngsters.

“Thank you. I’m so happy to finally meet you. Kelly told me so much about you,” returned Susan.

I couldn’t say the same. Kelly didn’t seem to have that much time for her mothers anymore. But I intended to rectify that and to get to know Susan. So after they refreshed themselves we sat down to talk. And they talked, a lot. From how they got to know each other to how Kelly proposed and everything in between.

Finally there was a pause and I noticed that Kelly got nervous. Susan seemed to notice too and hugged her in support. Finally she started to speak again.

“Mommy, Mama, I have to tell you something. I want to stop taking my hormones.”

“Oh no! I knew it. What have we done?” All the rationalization with Rachel about how we raised Kelly didn’t matter anymore. The feeling of guilt overwhelmed me. “We should never have put you into dresses. Or put your hair in pigtails. Or allow you to get hormones. I’m so sorry that I pushed you to become a girl even though I knew you’re a boy. And now you have to live with a feminized body. And you got so confused that you make porn on the Internet.”

Kelly looked confused at me. “What the fuck?”

Chapter 3: The Aftermath

“What does my porn have to do with this?” Kelly asked after she got her composure back. “You still haven’t accepted it, have you?”

“Um, no. I just can’t understand how you can do that.”

“It’s quite simple. I – like – sex. And I’m not ashamed of it and I like my body. I might even be a bit exhibitionistic. I get turned on when I think about how men are watching me having sex. And women, too. I have quite some female fans.”

“Watch you have sex?” I blushed. “Not just nudes?”

“Yes, fucking sex. Do you think I could earn that much money with nudes only?”

“With Susan?”

“With Susan and others.”

This was just too much information. I think I fainted. The next thing I remember was Kelly leaning over me and holding a wet towel to my forehead. Rachel, my bastion of calm, looked quite pale too.

“Are you okay?” Kelly asked me.

“Yes I think so. Do you have to shock your old mother like that?”

“You asked.”

“I guess I did. I still don’t want to think about it. I’m just so worried. Are you really okay? What if somebody finds out?”

“I know what I do. Conservative people hate me anyway because I’m trans. Doesn’t matter if they hate me additionally for doing porn.” Kelly laughed. “But seriously, you raised me to be a strong woman. And I’m earning a shitload of money. I’m not dependent on what people think about me. And you always said, a girl can do whatever she wants.”

“This isn’t exactly what I meant by that, but I guess I have to accept what you do.”

“Good. Now what was this bullshit about you turning me into a girl?”

I wasn’t used to Kelly using this vulgar language. But I had more important things to discuss.

“You want to stop hormones. That means you want to return to being male. So all this was a horrible mistake. My mistake.”

“Oh Mommy. That isn’t the reason. And you didn’t turn me into a girl. I didn’t know where I fit in at first. But once I learned about Lara Croft I knew what I wanted.” Kelly hugged me.

“Your fixation about Lara Croft. That didn’t make it easier.”

“Well, perhaps for you but it helped me. Look where I am now. I have money. I have people around me who love me. I’ll be married soon. And I have fun in my life. I’m happy, mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Yes, Susan and I want to have kids. And I can’t have kids, at least at the moment. That’s the reason I want to stop hormones.”

“Oh. But you’re on hormones for 4 years now. Won’t that have lasting effects?”

“I found a video^[4] of a trans woman who was even 5 years on hormones and she got her fertility back.”

“And how long was she off hormones?”

“8 months.”

“8 months off hormones?” asked Rachel. “Do you know what that will do with your body? You began your hormone replacement therapy early, so you never entered full puberty as a boy. If I remember correctly you’ll get a deeper voice and grow a beard if you go off hormones for such a long time. And who knows what it does to your psyche. And then it’s not guaranteed to work. Do you really want to do that?” She was always well informed and the voice of reason.

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” said Susan. “You don’t have to do that, Kelly. I’d still love you with a deep voice and a beard but, honestly, I prefer you the way you are.”

“I guess I better don’t do it then,” Kelly said dejected.

“Hey, it’s not that bad. We can always adopt or find a sperm donor,” Susan tried to cheer Kelly up. “Hmm, that reminds me, how were you born? I mean, who is your father?”

“Um, actually I don’t know. I only have my two moms. You never told me.”

“You never asked,” said Rachel. “But if you want to know, Linda is your biological mother and my brother donated his sperm. That way you have at least some of my genes in you.”

“Wow, uncle Mike is my father? That explains a lot. Do you think he’ll donate some more sperm?” My daughter smiled again.

Communication is everything.

Footnotes

1. SWERF means “Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist”. ↩

2. OnlyFans is a content subscription service, mainly used by pornographic models. ↩

3. Census data from 1990 about frequently occurring names. ↩

4. YouTube Video from a trans woman who was on female hormones for 5 years and then off hormones for 8 months and finally regained some fertility. So it is possible. 8 months off hormones must be very hard for the psyche of a trans woman though. Additionally her body probably lost quite some female fat accumulation. ↩