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SNAFU part 2.

by Angharad

This is a work of fiction any resemblance to anyone alive or dead is unintentional.

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Over the next day, I decided I had to inform my family. They had a right to know what had happened, but quite how and when were the questions I had yet to answer. Instead of paying attention to the anatomy lecture, I had been lost in my own thoughts. “Well nurse, just where is it?”

Where was what? I had no idea what she was talking about. In front of us, she stood with one of those models of bits of the body, in this case, a leg. “I’m sorry Sergeant, I didn’t quite hear you.” I sat blushing.

“No nurse you did not hear me, in fact, you have not been listening to me for pretty well the whole of this session. Is there a problem? Boyfriend trouble, or hangover?”

“No ma’am,” I responded.

“So there is no reason why I shouldn’t put you on a charge then?”

Feeling even lower than my previous depressed state, I just burst into tears while shaking my head. “Oh for God’s sake pull yourself together woman. Go to the bathroom and tidy yourself up. Well, go on!”

I rushed from the room, locked myself in one of the cubicles, sat on the toilet and howled. If I’d had a sharp object in my hand I’d have slashed my wrists and ended it there and then. Then realising I didn’t even have my bag with me, I felt an even bigger failure. I couldn’t do anything right. I just couldn’t go through with this, it was too much. I wanted out. I wanted to be a man and I wanted to go home. I was sick and tired of this pretence, and these stupid hormones which were playing around with my head. Before all this stupid army business I knew who I was and what I was. Now I didn’t know anything, nothing was the same.

I heard the toilet door open, then the door of my cubicle was tapped gently. I held my breath, trying to control the involuntary jerks in my chest that sobbing creates. “Jamie, you in there?” It was Sharon. “You alwight? C’mon open this bleedin doah?”

I remained frozen to the spot, trying still to control my breathing. “C’mon gel open this bleedin' doah or I’ll get someone to break it darn.”

This seemed to help me coalesce what remaining brain cells I had and with difficulty, I gave one final shudder and staggered to the door, fumbled with the catch and opened it. “You alwight?” I shook my head burst into tears again and she wrapped her arms around me almost squeezing what little breath I had straight out again. It took me several minutes before I could regain some semblance of control, whereupon Sharon explained she had been sent to take me back to my room as I was excused further duties that day. “I told ‘er you was on the rag, and ‘aving a bad time. But yer gottah see the M.O. t’morrah and get it sorted”.

With her arm around me she escorted me back to my quarters, she even made me a cup of tea and made me lie down. I decided that as soon as she went I would end this misery, but somehow instead I fell asleep. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally and slept a dreamless heavy sleep, waking only when a loud knock on my door announced the arrival of Captain Brice.

Still half asleep, I struggled to get off the bed only to be told twice, “At ease nurse.” She waited for me to come to, then began, ”I thought we had an understanding, young lady.”

I looked blankly at her mumbling an apology. I had no idea what she was talking about. “I thought we agreed that you would come and see me if you had problems.”

Now I understood and appreciated she was handling me much more gently than most of her other charges. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t realise I had a problem.”

“Spoken to your family yet?”

“No, ma’am.”

“How will they take it?”

“I don’t know, ma’am.”

“This what is going to happen. You will phone them tonight and tell them to be home tomorrow. Then you and I will take a little trip and sort this out.”

“What you’ll come with me?”

“That’s what I said.”

“I appreciate this very much, ma’am, but mightn’t it be better if I went on my own?” I felt very embarrassed and not sure if I wanted her help, it was rather personal after all, and I didn’t know how my parents would take it.

“I am coming, young lady, for two reasons. First, I try to support my nurses when they have a problem, second, this problem is not your fault. It’s a medical one and because it’s, shall we say, potentially embarrassing, I think your family may respond better to someone other than yourself telling them. So on second thoughts, I shall ask my secretary to phone your parents and set up the appointment for tomorrow. You will get yourself something to eat, get a goodnight’s sleep, and pretty yourself up tomorrow as if you were on parade. Make up an overnight bag, we may have to stop over somewhere, it could take a bit of time.” After giving me a sleeping pill, she left.

My mind just went into some sort of spin and instead of focusing on anything I found myself drifting with all sorts of confused thoughts before sleeping again. This time I slept all night, without the pill, waking about 5.00 as the dawn was breaking. I had showered, dressed and packed by six, then waited until seven before going to breakfast. As I walked across to the canteen, I resolved to ask Captain Brice if arrangements could be made to medically discharge me. Making that decision seemed to settle my nerves and like a condemned prisoner, I ate a good breakfast.

I estimated the journey to be about two to two and a half hours. I didn’t know when we would start, but was quite pleased when someone came to get me just after eight. I placed my case in the boot of her Mondeo, and we were off.

It was the first time in ages that we had had time to talk and I really didn’t feel too sociable. I was nervous what would happen and about what I was going to ask Captain Brice. She made an effort to relieve the silence but gave up after a bit. I just sat watching the road with unseeing eyes, my mind in some form of suspended animation, unable to think or stop myself having flashes of stupid thoughts, all of which were negative. I was jolted out of this reverie when I felt the car turning off the motorway and my companion announcing, ”I could do with a pee and a coffee, how about you, Curtis?” I think I nodded or shook my head or something, I can’t remember.

During the coffee, as the restaurant seemed quiet, I decided to make my play to leave the army. “Ma’am, as I seem to be a constant source of trouble to you and I don’t feel comfortable despite your and Major Collins help, don’t you think it would be better for all concerned if they just discharged me.”

For a moment she choked on her coffee, then after a short pause, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “On what grounds do we dump you, Jamie?”

“I’d have thought that obvious.”

“I’m afraid it isn’t to me. You see from where I am sitting, I am looking at one of the prettiest nurses in my unit, who also happens to be one of the brightest and one I had hoped I might be able to persuade to sign on and get a sponsored place at university when your national service was done.”

“What about on medical grounds?”

“Why are you ill? You look fine to me.”

“You know what I mean, ma’am. I’m hardly normal am I, and I’m having problems with coping with the deception.”

“I see. Who are you deceiving ?”

“Everyone. The girls, the staff, my family.”

“By definition, everyone must include you. Are you deceiving yourself?”

I was rather taken aback by this question. “I don’t think I understand the question, ma’am.”

“Are you deceiving yourself? It’s pretty straightforward.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“Okay, let me spell it out for you. You think that you are in some sort of nightmare called the army, in which you have been cast as a female nurse trainee. Is that right so far?” Bemused I nodded my agreement. “This part has been emphasised by medical treatment to which you consented on best advice. In doing so you feel it robbed you of any chance you might have had to assert your masculinity. How am I doing?” I nodded again. “So having been forced into this situation by the powers that be, you discover that you don’t have the bottle to see it through, that being a woman is too tough for you. What I don’t understand, is that they say being a man is even harder. Certainly, in the army it is. So if you can’t make it as a woman, a role to which fate has made you physically well suited, how the hell are you going to make it as a man?”

I felt the tears well up in my eyes but was determined not to cry here in public. I took a deep breath, stood up and walked out towards the car. As I did, Captain Brice caught me up and grabbing my arm spun me round to face her. “Don’t you dare ever walk out on me while I am talking to you. Do you understand?”

I felt like a naughty schoolgirl being chastised by a parent or teacher. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to offend, but I was about to embarrass myself and didn’t want to include you in any such scene.”

“Apology accepted, Curtis.” Then she made me look at the reflection of both of us in the mirrored wall of the entrance hall. “What do you see?”

“Us ma’am.”

“I asked what not who. Try again.”

“Two women in army uniforms.”

“I think I have made my point.”

Before I could respond we were outside and walking towards the car when behind us we heard a sickening squeal of brakes and a crash accompanied by screams. We turned around and saw that a car had ploughed into a family as they walked across the parking area. People were running from all directions, and without any thought, I realised I was one of them. Captain Brice took control and began to organise the helpers. I found myself kneeling by the side of a girl, she was conscious but obviously badly injured.

“Hi, I’m Jamie,” I said taking her hand, “what’s your name?” She was very pale but remarkably calm.

“Lisa,” she half-whispered, “you are very pretty, are you really a soldier?”

Choking back my tears, I said, ”I’m a nurse.”

“Oh good, I want to be a nurse and I want to be as pretty as you, Jamie.”

“You are beautiful already Lisa.” I leant over and kissed her, she squeezed my hand in response.

“I like you, Jamie,” she said, “ but I want to go to sleep now,” with that, she died.

I felt for her pulse, she didn’t have one and she was not breathing. I tried to rouse her, then calling for assistance began CPR. My efforts were in vain, despite them becoming increasingly frantic and I was finally pulled off her body by two paramedics, whereupon I stood up and promptly fainted.

I awoke to someone rubbing my hand and calling me from my sleep. At first I thought it was my mother, but it turned out to be Captain Brice. “Come on, Jamie, come on, wakey-wakey.” She sat me up then helped me to stand on wobbly legs. My uniform was drenched in blood from the waist down, it wasn’t mine. She led me back to the cafeteria and pushed a strong coffee in front of me, “Drink”. Was all she said.

I sat trembling as with shaky hands I tried to drink the hot fluid. “You did really well with that little girl.”

“Yeah, so well she died.”

“You couldn’t prevent that, you did all you could.”

“She said she wanted to be a nurse.”

“I heard her. She also said you were pretty.”

“She was in shock.”

“True, but she meant it, and you gave her comfort in her last moments.”

“Some comfort, I let her die.”

“Listen to me. You did all you could. She was haemorrhaging from her back and I suspect her back was broken.” We both sat in silence for a while drinking our coffees.

“Have you got a change of clothes in the car?”

I nodded and we went and got them, then changed in the toilets washing as much of the blood off our hands, bodies and clothes as we could in the limited resources. The police took brief statements, we hadn’t witnessed the accident just the aftermath. I don’t think I shall ever forget that little girl, even if I live to be a hundred. I also shall never know why she had to die when a freak like me survived. I would have been happy to die, she had her whole life ahead of her. If there is a God, I had a very large bone to pick with him, the bastard.

Today was not going at all well, and I was suffering from some shock plus the trauma of what was coming with my family. I was still angry too. Angry for that little girl, for Lisa. Angry with God, with myself, with the world and everything upon it. As we drove, all of this just welled up and overwhelmed me and I burst into tears. Captain Brice wisely allowed me to weep and I did for some time. It helped the anger, but not my sense of powerlessness. That little girl expected me to help her and all I did was watch her die. I cried some more. Finally, when I couldn’t cry anymore I fell asleep.

I awoke perhaps an hour later aware that someone was watching me. I was oblivious to my surroundings, totally unaware for the moment where I was, except that I felt cramped and stiff. I heard traffic and remembered I was in a car. “You’re awake.”

“Y… yes, I’m sorry I must have drifted off.” I felt myself colouring up as I admitted my social error.

“It’s okay, you have a lot going on at the moment and the accident this morning has made things even tougher. How do you feel?” She asked concernedly.

“Better thanks. I can still see that little girl, but I’ve lost the anger.”

“Just remember that you gave her comfort in her last minutes. I suspect that no one could have saved her, and you made sure she wasn’t alone when she died. In fact, she seem to slip away quite peacefully, so you reassured her that she was being cared for, and that’s important. You do care, you have the makings of a damn fine nurse. I don’t want you to just throw that away. We need people like you in the profession, and I need you in my unit. So please don’t ask me to support your attempt to get a medical discharge because I will oppose it.”

I sat looking at the dashboard, my attention taken entirely by the hands of the ticking clock. At the same time I hadn’t registered what the time was. Suddenly, I realised how late things were. Captain Brice seemed to read my mind. “It’s okay, while you had forty winks I called my secretary and she’s advised your family that we have been delayed by the accident.”

“Where are we, ma’am?” I asked, not recognising the lay-bye. About half an hour away, it’s now nearly noon, so we could pop into the pub down the road, have a snack and formulate how we are going to play this. It would also give you a chance to freshen up your make up, although even without it and with red eyes, you are still a strikingly attractive woman.”

I pulled down the windscreen visor and looked at my face in the vanity mirror it held. “Oh my God.” I had sore red eyes and any makeup that had been on them had long since been washed away by my copious tears. We ended up in the pub and I spent several minutes holding some ice cubes around my eyes, supplied by a helpful landlady, as cold tea-bags and cucumber were unavailable. The ice did the trick and my improving makeup skills made me look half presentable. However, despite our strategy meeting and a light lunch, when we turned into the road which until recently I had called home, I felt very unsure of myself and my cause. I just thought my parents are not going to support this, why did I let this happen.

We pulled up outside the house. “Now you stay there until I call for you. That’s an order, Curtis.” I nodded my assent. Then she picked up her bag and brushing her clothes down with her hands, she walked off to my parent's house. I heard the bell ring, the door open, the sound of voices and the door close. Then I was left alone with my thoughts. I was not at all sure I wanted to be in this car alone with my thoughts, but sadly I couldn’t give them to anyone else or receive theirs. I tried to rehearse what I would say to my mum and dad, but I knew that once I came face to face, any coherence I had planned would go west. I was tempted to put the radio on, so I allowed my temptation to win.

I listened to some easy stuff on Classic fm, I had no idea what it was but somebody called Jack in Norwich wanted it for his wife as it was their anniversary.

I thought that anniversaries were unlikely to happen to me. Who in their right mind would or could want me. I was freak and probably unlovable…..

In the house my parents were asking where I was and was I all right. Captain Brice was being very professional and within a few minutes had broached the problem. My mother apparently, had raised her hands to her face and blanched. My father’s jaw fell open, but he recovered quickly. “Let me get this straight, you are telling us that my son of eighteen years is now a woman.”

“Well Mr Curtis, that is the bottom line. Because of the injury to his genitals at age eleven, he just didn’t become properly male, and instead, his body, or should I say her body, became sort of neutral but tending towards a female pattern which is what would usually happen. The human body is female unless told by appropriate hormones to become male.

In Jamie’s case, the most obvious signs were small stature, lack of body and facial hair and the unbroken voice. Plus the fact that with the lack of sufficient hormones, there would be consequences including osteoporosis and other problems. So, after discussion with Jamie, we decided to offer her oestrogen therapy while she decided what she wanted to do for the long term. Apart from the orchidectomy, which was absolutely necessary, nothing else is permanent. Although when you see her, you will appreciate why we feel she has more future as a female. But as I said before that will be her decision.

As far as the army is concerned, some clever clogs in an office in Catterick decided she was female even before we had carried out the medical investigations which led to this. It seems that they thought the name Jamie was her official one rather than a pet name, and assumed it was a female one. It seems this change was made official before we knew anything about Jamie’s condition. So effectively, before I met Jamie, I was led to believe she was a female nurse trainee.”

It went on and on, with them asking questions, and me getting bored with the radio. I yawned and tried to remain alert, but it was very tiring and very stressful.

Back in the house, “Today has been much complicated by the accident my secretary mentioned to you. We gave assistance, and Jamie had the misfortune to try to tend a little girl who died in her arms. She did a wonderful job, but was naturally very upset by the experience.”

Once more my mother’s colour drained from her as this tale was related and once more my father gaped like a goldfish. But it caused them both to want to see me, reminding them that although I was no longer the same, I was at least still alive unlike, the unfortunate Lisa. So When captain Brice escorted me into the house, my parents both threw their arms around me and we all cried together. It was incredibly moving, I had never seen my dad cry before, and to his credit, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Something he hadn’t done since I was little.

My mother just said, ”Let me look at you, my goodness, you are beautiful.” And once again almost hugged me to extinction.

In the background, my father said, “Of course she’s a beauty, she takes after me.” At which we all laughed hysterically.

Eventually, things calmed down and I went with my mum to make us some tea while my C.O. stayed and spoke to my dad. It seems they made quite an impression on each other. But then they would. My dad is about six feet tall and blond like me, with blue eyes (like me), good looking and with a caring sensitive personality. He’s a university teacher of English literature. A very knowledgeable man and to my mind very wise.

My mum is fair-haired with blue eyes, about five foot four and buxom, I believe, is the word. She is pretty rather than beautiful, but with a quick mind and even quicker tongue. My dad may be able to quote the great poets at length, but she makes up her own quotations as she goes along, some of which are in my opinion just as good as Shelley or Keats. But then I am a bit biased. She is my mum. She works for a leading cancer charity as an administrator.

Once in the kitchen my mum, just held me at arm's length regarding me, shaking her head, and muttering, “I can’t believe you are so beautiful, so natural. Let me just look at you. I can’t believe it, I really can’t.”

Blushing like a tomato, and feeling as high as a kite with the reception I had received, although perhaps I was ashamed of my previous doubts, I kept muttering my disagreement to her compliments.

“I always wanted a daughter. Now I have one. ”She giggled as she crushed me once again in her loving arms. Finally, she released me, and we boiled the kettle as we made small talk. A little later, she said,” Captain Brice says you are a natural at nursing and she wants you to do it properly, go to uni etc.”

“Yeah, I’m so good my first patient died.”

“Darling, from what Captain Brice said, you did what was most appropriate and eased her final moments. Not everyone could do that. I’m proud of my little girl for helping someone else’s little girl in her moment of need.”

I told her what Lisa had said and she smiled and nodded. “As Lisa wanted to be a nurse, maybe you could help her realise that ambition by becoming one yourself.”

“I don’t know, Mum. I’m not even sure that I know if I want to be a woman let alone a nurse.” I looked at the floor, something I had seen many times but now found intensely interesting.

“Jamie, I don’t know if you have a choice, it looks as if nature has made it for you. I have never seen you looking so well or so at ease with yourself. Of course, it’s up to you and we’ll naturally support whatever you decide is best for you. But seeing you like this, I am so proud of you.” She held out her arms and we embraced again with tears in both our eyes. It took ages for my dad to get his cuppa!

At about four in the afternoon, Captain Brice asked if there was a dry cleaner's nearby, my mother informed her there was and that they did a two-hour service, but that was unlikely today. However, if she liked to stay over they would be able to do something first thing. To my astonishment, Captain Brice agreed. I suddenly thought although I had a nightie, I only had the clothes I was wearing, a blue skirt and top. My dad was buzzing like a bee saying we would go out to dinner, and rushed off to book a table.

My mum winked at Captain Brice and said, “Let's go and find you something to wear, we can drop those things into the cleaners as we go past.” So we did.
We three women, well two and me, went off to the shops via the cleaners who claimed they could do the uniforms by lunch-time tomorrow. Despite my mother being twenty-five or so years older than me, she dragged me around first one shop then another, finally settling for a light blue, velvet sleeveless dress and jacket. Even I had to agree it looked as if it were made for me, and she bought me a full set of light blue underwear as well. A pair of tights was added to the pile and we were off to the shoe shop, where I fell in love with a pair of blue patent courts and matching bag.

In another shop, Captain Brice found a lovely dark green and red two-piece, which looked good with her auburn hair. Then it was back home with our goodies. I think I probably felt closer to my mum than I had ever done before, and she seemed to be enjoying every minute of it.

As we were dressing for our dinner, my mother came into my room and presented me with a gold and sapphire ring, drop earrings and necklace. It had been my grandmother’s, her mother and she wanted me to have them. I was delighted to accept them, feeling a link with my family for several generations, Feeling a part of it and to think I had doubted it earlier. Suddenly, I decided that maybe I did want to live after all, and while I wasn’t sure yet that I had forgiven my God, I offered a small silent prayer of thanks for two of the most wonderful parents on the planet. I didn’t know if this girly stuff was really me, but for the moment it was okay, possibly verging on fun.

My hair was now becoming long enough to have it styled and I had done so a few days before. It was still quite short by women’s standards, but not necessarily so by women’s army standards so with a bit of effort I managed to make it look reasonably tidy for our dinner.

When Mum put the jewellery on me, she again held me at arm's length smiled at me, and told me, “I have a beautiful daughter, and I am so proud of her. Granny’s jewellery looks terrific with that outfit, I know she would have loved you to have had it and I’m sure she’d be proud of you too.” Then she hugged me and told me she loved me, I replied in kind and thanked her for my lovely gifts.

We went downstairs together, Dad was entertaining Captain Brice with some of his favourite student stories, we could hear their laughter from the hall. Mum hissed at me to wait, then she entered the sitting room, I heard Dad ask where I was, whereupon Mum told him I was coming. Suddenly, I could feel butterflies. I knew he had accepted me, but perhaps he didn’t have much choice. It was all engineered by my C.O. to maximise success for me. Mum I knew was having fun, but Dad may feel differently. I mean he had nothing to compare me with or to, other than real women.

As I stood in the hall, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and the arteries were echoing the effects of the adrenalin through my ears. It felt like someone was pounding a drum in my head. I was very anxious. I had made a real effort for this evening, what happens if Dad thinks I’m not good enough, what happens if I meet up with ex-school mates or someone else I know, within minutes everyone else will know as well. My stomach churned and I felt very uncertain about the whole thing.

As all this was travelling at the speed of light around my brain, rattling every ounce of confidence I had tried to keep for today, I became aware of my mother calling me.

“Come on, Jamie, make your entrance.” Then she almost dragged me into the room.

I don’t think I shall ever forget my father’s face. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. “My goodness, you are beautiful. You make me so proud.” Then before I could react, with my only response i.e. bursting into tears, he stepped quickly over to me, threw his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. “I can’t believe how lovely you look, how could I have ever thought you were a boy? You are as lovely a daughter as any man could wish for, it’s amazing.”

I choked back the tears, kissed him on the cheek, thanked him and told him I loved him, I also told him that I couldn’t wish for a better dad, or a more handsome one. Then Mum got Captain Brice to take some photos of us as a family, then me with her, and then my dad and me and finally, Dad took one of Captain Brice and me – the ‘A’ team he called us.