This story is specifically aimed at Ray Drouillard. Remember, Ray, revenge is a dish best served at sea.

Note: I can handle voting and comments on this piece. It's only fair since Ray posted a story about me. :p

Strangers in Paradise
by Terry Volkirch

Ray Drouillard finished feeding the chickens and sat down in a plastic lawn chair. As soon as he got settled, he got a rare visit from one of his cats. A sleek black cat jumped onto his lap and purred for attention.

"Hello Sylvia," he crooned. "Good kitty. Nice kitty."

He started petting her and noted something odd. She wore a collar with a large red jewel hanging from it. If he didn't know better, he'd say it was a ruby, but that would be impossible. A ruby of that size and quality would keep him swimming in nerdy gadgets for the rest of his life.

The man soon substituted his disbelieving ways by disbelieving in something else though. As soon as he touched the jewel, a puff of red smoke appeared, and from the smoke, emerged a genie.

The genie appeared as a beautiful woman in a harem costume, but when she spoke, she had a most perplexing baritone voice.

"Oh wise and benevolent Master, for freeing me from a dizzying life of dangling in that most accursed jewel, I will grant thee three wishes."

"Three wishes?!"

"Three wishes," repeated the genie. "But you must make all three wishes before any one of them are granted."

"That's a strange twist."

"That is the rule. It's the best I can do. My head is still spinning from your cat's latest adventure."

"Sylvia? She seems like such a laid back kitty. How could she make you dizzy?"

"Let's just say it involved a magic wand and a starship captain, and leave it at that, shall we?"

"Huh?" Ray thought the genie to be slightly deranged, but he left it at that and began to formulate his wishes.

"Okay. I'm ready," he said after giving the matter some serious thought.

"Very well. But choose wisely, oh Gracious Master."

"Right. My first wish is to take my family on a long cruise. My second wish is that I wish to be greatly respected so I can get a good, high paying job. My third wish is to have a pet black panther."

"Your wishes have been stated. So shall they be," sayeth the genie. "To the best of my abilities," she added under her breath.

Ray felt a brief moment of vertigo and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he found himself in a very different place. He stood on the deck of an old sailing vessel in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

"What in Heaven?!" he muttered, and then gasped. His sultry, sexy voice could only belong to that of a young woman, and as his eyes wandered south to take in his body, he spied the most delightful cleavage. He was a she!

Somehow resisting the very strong urge to cup her crotch and confirm the complete package, she squeaked out a single word. "Genie!"

Just when she thought things were at their worst, she found herself facing a new terror. Her voice brought her a very exotic visitor -- a black panther.

She froze in place, expecting to be mauled, but instead, the panther slowly walked up to her and rubbed against her. The new woman looked down and spied a familiar collar, complete with a large red jewel, and gasped again.

"Sylvia? Is that you?"

The panther mewed, sounding exactly like her black cat.

"Oh kitty. Where are we? If only you could talk."

Ray thought about the jewel and wondered if she should take another chance by touching it. She felt she had nothing to lose so she did, and as before, smoke appeared and the same genie appeared.

"Oh great and wondrous Mistress ...," she began and then stopped. "Oh. It's you again. You got your wishes. Now buzz off. No refunds."

"But wait. At least tell me where I am and where my family is? I've already figured out what happened to Sylvia."

"Yes, well you're on a ship in the South Pacific in the year 1823 ... and it's a pirate ship ... and you're the captain ... Captain Raylene, scourge of the Seven Seas. Your family is held prisoner in the hold of your ship. Is that all? Can I go now?"

"What?!"

"I know you're not deaf, Captain. I made you into a healthy young woman. Oh. The eye patch is just for decoration. Both of your eyes are perfectly okay. You only wear it to make a good impression."

Raylene reached up to finger the eye patch, but left it there. She wanted to rip it off and throw it at the genie but felt it would be best to leave it be. She was in enough trouble as it was.

"This is most irregular," sayeth the genie. "I'm most vexed. You shouldn't have been able to call on me again. I should be off somewhere far away."

"Yes, well ... we're both far away. Perhaps you got caught up in my dimensional slipstream or something."

Now it was the genie's turn to be confused. "Huh?"

"Never mind. Are you sure you can't revoke my wishes?"

"Nope. No refunds. No returns. But I can tell you one thing. You wished to 'take' your family on a long cruise. When the cruise is over, if it's ever over, everything should revert to your previous life. That's my educated guess anyway. Good luck."

With that, the genie disappeared in a cloud of smoke and with her went the jewel. Only the collar remained.

"Well, Sylvia," Raylene said. "It looks like it's just you and me." But she spoke too soon.

"Captain!" shouted the first mate. "There ye be. I be wantin' to do a little huntin' and torturin'. How about letting loose one of the prisoners so the men and me can give chase? We be needin' a little fun. Arrrr."

"What?! No!" Raylene had to think quickly. "The prisoners must be unharmed or we won't get the ransom."

"Arrrr. You're no fun, Captain. It looks like we're back to deck bowlin' then. I'll get the pins. You get a cannon ball."

So the pirates enjoyed an afternoon of deck bowling and Raylene plotted strategies. It promised to be a long cruise.

The ship was called Seabucket and it was far from port in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It'd be many weeks before they'd see another port and have any chance of freeing the innocent family. In the meantime, they had to suck limes to stave off scurvy and sing drinking songs till the wee hours of the morning. Such was the life of a pirate.

As she stated in her second wish, the Captain was greatly respected to the point of being feared. She had a reputation for being ruthless and merciless. No man could say no to her beautiful face, but if they somehow made a mistake, they'd be severely punished. The last crewman to annoy her ended up being tied to the mizzenmast and had his bare feet tickled with an ostrich feather. The poor man nearly laughed himself to death, and he laughed so hard he cried, earning him the nickname of Sissy.

"Ray! Get me out of here!" Mary suddenly screamed from the hold. "I know you're out there! The boys are driving me crazy! They actually think this is all fun and games! Ray!!"

"Who be Ray?" asked Sissy.

"I have no idea," the Captain said. "The woman must be mad." Of course the Captain used mad to mean angry, not crazy, but Sissy took it the other way, as intended. So all was well on the poop deck -- if not the hold -- of the Seabucket.

So remember, kids. Beware of Captain Raylene, scourge of the Seven Seas, or you too may be sucking limes and suffering the songs of tone deaf pirates for a long, long time.

*giggle*

 © 2008 by Terry Volkirch. This work may not be replicated in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the Author (copyright holder). All Rights Reserved. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental.