Adolescence is the most confusing time in a person’s life. The process of going from being a child to an adult is filled with changes, the unknown, instability, intense emotional feelings, contradictions, progress, and failure along with it feeling like a never-ending process. The worst part about it is sometimes a person feels like everyone else is changing yet they are staying the same. Somehow the others were being adults yet they were in arrested development

Tracy Armstrong felt like a runner being lapped in a track course, very far behind her friends in the race to become an adult. They were all having their first relationship and Tracy was too scared to open up about liking anyone. Admitting a crush could lead to her friends teasing her. Then there was Amanda. She made changes on who she was and Tracy could only make plans to do so. There were enough changes going on in Tracy’s life that adding any more uncertainty was frightening.

If being behind and not making the changes she wanted was not enough to have Tracy down, there was also not being able to make amends for how she treated Luke. That boy was as sweet as a birthday cake and she picked on him. The reason of self-preservation made her feel even further behind in the race towards adulthood. If knowing she did the wrong thing was not bad enough, the sad fact that she would do it again made her knowledge even worse. Only a weak small person would purposefully hurt another just to protect themself from being picked on.

Krissy Armstrong knew her daughter was feeling vulnerable. The mom also knew that Tracy had no friends to turn to about this. How her daughter's friends treated others was exactly why Tracy felt so susceptible to emotional harm. Lori and her loyal court loved to put others down instead of lifting them up. They were only supportive when they have something to gain from being there for each other.

Krissy wanted to be like the sun to a flower with Tracy, have her daughter open up to her. The threat from those who Tracy should feel safe around made her keep her hands closer to her than a poker player. There was no way Tracy was going to show people she was holding 7-2 off suit.

Even with being closed Tracy did give a tell about something which was bothering her. Krissy was talking about Luke being in California and her daughter bit her lower lip. Krissy prodded some more after seeing her daughter’s nervous tick. Confession was good for the soul so Tracy admitted she hated how she treated Luke and can never make it up to him again.

The mom knew it was time to shine some light on her daughter. Tracy opened her petals some and now was the time for the nourishing words of wisdom to become sunbeams to help her daughter grow. “Tracy, you can’t worry about not being able to make up with Luke. You can make it so you become a person Luke would like to be friends with. He might never know, but you would know you made amends.”

Her mom was right. The insight did make Tracy feel more exposed to being hurt. Tracy knew it might take time, but she will become someone who Luke would want to hang out with. In fact, Tracy did have a crush on Luke so she would become a girl who Luke would want to do more than hang out with. She was not going to change herself so she could be what Luke liked in a girl, Tracy knew the girl she would become would just happen to be a girl that Luke would want to be with.

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Lori’s internal clock was still on East Coast Time, so midnight was 3 AM for her. Even with it being late she could not go to sleep. She drifted in and out of the land of Morpheus. Any slight disturbance made her wide awake. The excitement of getting a shirt and hearing about the concert made her want to be up if by chance her brother dropped off the shirt at the guest house tonight. Tonight was the first time in her life that Lori was looking forward to spending time with her brother. The other times when she wanted Luke around was just to see him miserable.

Lori heard some muttering coming from downstairs. The voices were too low for her to know who was talking. She could tell that there were three distinct voices. That third voice had to be her brother's. Now Lori had to make the decision if she would play it cool and stay upstairs or show how she felt by running downstairs. Lori went with being honest and went to see her brother.

Lori came downstairs and said nothing. Lori could not find any words, let alone the right words to say. Lori was excited about getting the shirt, yet at the same time, she wanted to hear about the concert. Wanting to know about the show was normal, but Lori had a desire to know if Luke enjoyed it. The excited girl finally clumsy said, “Did you enjoy the concert?”

Cautiously Luke picked his words. This was a goldilocks moment for him. He had to get his words just right. Saying too much and being happy or not saying enough while being nonchalant will make Lori mad. His sister might had done something nice today for him but he trusted her enough that she would try to get him back if she was not pleased with his response. Luke said “Yes, thank you for the tickets.”

Lori “Tell me more did they sing Above the Clouds?”

Lori loved Above the Clouds. That song was not only her favorite song by Boyz+1, but her all-time favorite song. The song was about how just being with someone else could make someone feel so high touched her. That neither of them had to be anyone but themselves. Lori felt that people only really wanted to be around her when she was the Brat Princess. The song was a fantasy to her. That she could be loved or get attention without meeting the unrealistic expectation of others.

“They did and that is a great song. I am shocked at how much I enjoyed the concert. But I do not want to give too much of it away.”

The Brat Princess started to stir in the back of Lori’s mind. Luke was lording over the fact he got something which was her divine right. Being in trouble made Lori able to hide the anger when she asked why.

Luke only heard sadness in his sister’s voice. Him not wanting her to hurt like he did made him brave. That caution he had was thrown to the wind. Luke held up two tickets and said “You will be getting the VIP treatment when you see Boyz+1 in Pittsburgh. I told the band my sister gave me the tickets because she could not make it. They were touched and gave me these tickets for you. They also gave me a signed poster, a water bottle, and a shirt to give you.”

Then the third first of the night happened. Lori hugged her brother. Lori being happy to see her brother and her not knowing what to say were the first two. Then the fourth first of the night happened, Lori sincerely thanked her brother. These four firsts were just another major part of Lori’s expedition from being a brat princess to an adult. There was still a long steep journey which she might not be able to make.

Lori wanted to share looking at the poster with her brother and the fifth first of the night happened. Lori felt shame about how she horribly treated her brother as she read what was written on the poster. It was simple “To our biggest fan and the best sister Luke could have.” The message the band wrote was a lie. If Boyz+1 knew the truth the best band in the world would not want her to be their fan.

Remorseful tears came down Lori’s face. The conscience-stricken girl did not want to take away from Luke’s pleasure. Her brother was happy for her and this moment should be about the good. He deserved to feel good. Lori had a Ph.D. in manipulation and used it for the betterment of someone else. Those shameful tears were easily disguised as joyful ones by her. Another hug when saying thanks was all which was needed for the ruse. Not wanting to give any of her marks the chance to catch the grift just ran, she excused herself for bed citing how she was still not used to the time difference.

In laying in bed crying herself to sleep came the sixth and final first of the night for Lori. The pain of her past actions was finally catching up to her. She was not able to outrun anymore when by having the extra weight of the lessons she had been learning from her wise dad using discipline as rehabilitation instead of punishment.

***********

Mary Steiner, AKA Lil, sat down and turned on her banker's desk lamp. She then pulled open the top left-hand drawer of her desk to retrieve her journal. She was holding something which four generations of the ladies on her mom's side passed down. The weathered handmade leather journal was more than just a place to keep memories, it was where the most revered and important memories and moments that made these girls become women were safe kept.

Getting the family heirloom instead of going to her online diary meant tonight had some memories which she wanted to ensure stayed as what they were, cherished and revered. That she wanted a physical connection to the memories. Mary sometimes held the journal close to just feel as one with who she was. A firm embrace of the past can steadily ground someone as they went toward the future.

Tonight deserved to be documented purposes of perpetuation. Tonight’s events were going to be placed with the other of the most cherished and revered events in Mary’s life. Tonight Mary learned not only how a man should treat a woman, but also how a woman should treat a man. She loved Luke. She loved Luke and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. The girl also knew what she wanted was only likely in a fantasy world. Her world was real, life did not work out like a Danielle Steel novel.

Even with knowing her first love would not be her last love, Mary was going to ensure that Luke would always be in her heart and life. The way to honor the time they spent at each other’s side was by ensuring she never settled for anything less than what Luke gave her and she would never treat the man in her life any less than she would have treated Luke.

The pen hit the paper and the ink flowing out of the ballpoint could barely keep with the words Mary was writing. As she wrote there were tears. Tears of joy from knowing she knew about true pure love. Tears of pain from knowing that one day she would be without that true pure love. Tears of fear that she might never be able to find that true pure love again. Tears of perseverance knowing that she will not settle for anything other than true pure love. Then more tears of joy knowing she had something special with Luke. That the good of having him in her life now will echo in the valley of her life from this moment forward.

Before going to sleep Mary reread what she wrote.

Tonight was wonderful. I know just saying wonderful does not do justice to how great being with Luke was. I cannot call it a date because then it will set the standard of what dates should be from now on to high. I can hold it as a goal. That any man I am with from now on has to be going toward having our time together feel like tonight.

I love Luke. It is a true and pure love, we have a connection. I know we are an amazing couple. We both strive to understand each other, and help each other understand themselves. We bring out the best in each other. We have been in each other’s life for only a couple of months and yet we both helped each other grow so much.

I know I will be happy and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I also know that will not be. There are too many factors which will hinder that. Time and space, my goal is to be a jet pilot, I will get into the Air Force Academy. My life will be far away from his. Luke will have his own goals. He wants to study computer science. He was talking about going to CMU at first but now he is looking into Stanford. They are both in the top 5 for his field of study.

Believe it or not our love will be in the way. We both want what is best for the other. We will know that we will have to set each other free. Being in an LDR at that time of our life will add to the support we will need from the people around us and also take the most important support away from us. We will not hold the other back, we will do what is best for the other. It sucks knowing that one day what will be the best is that we are no longer a couple.

Yes even with us not being a couple does not mean we will not have a huge effect on the other’s life. We will have a high standard on how we will be treated. We will have a high standard on how we will treat others. Our lives will be a loving memorial to others. I know we will be strong enough to stay true to this. We will always be in each other’s life by being the forge which made our character.

Tonight was great for we were just each other. Tonight was great for the trust we had in each other. Bobby Eaton, the heartthrob of the group flirts with all the girls who go backstage. Most of the girl fans expect that from him. It is his gimmick. I want nothing of it. Luke did not bat an eye. He is confident in our relationship and trusts me.

The same thing happened with Tiffany Gibson and Luke. Luke responded the same way as I did and I responded how he did. Neither of us even found it flattering that someone flirted with us.

I will say that the group was great. Luke was actually heartbroken for his sister not being there. The pain she caused him and still he wanted her to be there. The members saw that and made sure to give him a VIP package for her to use when they go to Pittsburgh. It was nice to see them and Luke act with class.

The highlight of the concert was just being next to Luke. It would have been a great night without him there. Him there just added to the enjoyment. Him enjoying being there because it was time with me. That is what I want in life. The concert did not matter, it was who I was with. I much rather share a McDonald’s burger with Luke than eat a 5 Guys burger without him.

Tonight was great for I know that life will be great. It will be great for Luke will always be in it, even if it is only in spirit. My life will also be great for I know that I will always be in Luke’s life. That we will have a bond from helping make each other the best people we could be.

After rereading her heartfelt journal entry she hugged it. Holding it so close to her bosom made those feelings she shared with herself feel even more ingrained in her heart. Then she put the journal to rest before she went to rest. As she drifted off into sleep, Mary thought about how she was going to be in the moment from now on with Luke. That she will never have the unfounded fear of losing him. It was impossible for her to lose what made her and what was in her heart.