I’d contemplated this for a long time until it was clear that I was still trying to live two lives. My enfeeblement was more of a problem every day. I had to stop deceiving myself. A friend quickly took my tools for free. It did not seem important that it was more than $1500 out the window. It felt embarrassing that even while lying to everyone, telling them that I was a woman, that I was stupidly trying to ride two horses and that needed to stop. It was clear that my life needed more credibility. How can you show up at a friend’s house in a pretty blue skirt suit I had had made in Bangkok, and then start putting in an electrical outlet?

Now, even thinking about it, the facts are hard to face.

My body was increasingly reluctant to perform like I was 18 years old. Shoulder joints, hands, knees, and feet were feeling like they were part of a cadaver. I could not even remember my phone number last night, sheesh.

I needed groceries, so tomorrow I’d put my bike kit on and ride the 4 miles on my electric assist bike to get yummy food. I had discovered some ground beef burgers with Thyme and Blue Cheese in them. With Mushroom soup, and sliced Potatoes and 2 hours in a 375-degree oven… yum! I felt no shame at all.

With Covid 19 there would be no shopping for a nice dress. Tomorrow, perhaps I’d put my 50’s themed dress on over my corset and stockings? Cannot use perfume because of my COPD destroyed lungs. Not going to wonder how much time is left, just going to enjoy what there is. My therapist keeps suggesting that there might be a partner out there for me somewhere. To her I laugh, but privately I wonder what could take me unawares?