NotExpected 08

Not What We Expected by Tiffany B. Quinn After talking with the lawyer, I just needed to break the news to my family and friends. But that would wait until after my upcoming discussion with Sandra that evening. The third trimester of my obvious nine month transition had started out with a bang, so to speak. The middle third of the crystal was still blue, but it was surrounded by pink much like a wagon trail circled by attacking Indians in an old Western movie. Somehow, I didn't think that the Cavalry would arrive in time to save the blue.

Chapter 8

Sandra was already home when I got there in the late afternoon. Apparently she'd been too upset to work that afternoon, so she had canceled her appointments and came home to have the heavy talk that we both anticipated.

She'd also been crying a fair amount judging from the empty box of tissues by her side. It was only one box, unlike the two box event a week or so ago. She looked as if she'd already wiped all her runny mascara away, but there were still some traces left. She'd obviously been crying for some time. It nearly broke my heart to see her in such misery, but I knew that we had to go through this to find balance again.

I noticed that she had changed into her favorite comfort clothes: yoga pants and a turtleneck sweater. The yoga pants fit her like a glove. She is the definition of beauty even when miserable and trying to dress down. With her changes, I think that she'd look great in a potato sack.

She was sitting on the couch and I took a seat on the love seat opposite her just as her cell phone went off.

She promptly turned the phone off without even checking to see who was calling.

"Hey there girlfriend." She opened the conversation tentatively through her tears. She was gauging my feelings with her opening statement. "You might want to keep your knees together when wearing a short dress."

It was going to take time before it would become natural for me to sit modestly while wearing a skirt.

"Hey to you too," I responded gently. "Thanks for the reminder. This is my first time in a dress."

I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at her. We both knew that this day was going to come. I was, however, disappointed that she wasn't sharing this part of her life with me since we were now best friends. Best girlfriends.

"I thought we were BFFs," I addressed the new elephant in the room with a gentle accusation and a wry smile, trying to put her at ease. "I understand that BFFs share ALL their hopes and dreams with each other."

She looked very guilty.

"I suppose that I can demonstrate how that works," I relented when she didn’t respond. "First off, I don't know why, but I can't find it in my heart to be devastated about you and Tom. After all, we both have known that our life as husband and wife effectively ended a few months ago. We both know that the other bolt from the ceremony came from Tom and that you are likely to end up marrying him to have your babies. We’ve even talked about this. I am, strangely, okay with Tom being the father of your children. I am not only okay with it, I am actually very happy that he is going to be the father of your children. I think that he will make a good husband and a great father. I find our new love as best girlfriends to be sufficiently satisfying to overcome whatever feeling of loss that I feel for the end of our marriage. We both knew that our marriage needed to end but I guess that neither one of us wanted to be the one to initiate it.

"It is that new love that I have for you which feels betrayed. I am hurt that you didn't share with me your developing relationship with Tom."

Sandra looked appropriately chastised at this point.

"I need to know something," I continued. "Did you and Tom plan this before we went to Louisiana? Was this a convenient way to remove a hindrance from your path to a new relationship? We could have just divorced, you know? I would have hated it, but it is the normal way of things. And I would still be a man."

Tears were continuing to stream down Sandra’s face. She looked absolutely miserable. I couldn't stand it any more so I moved over to the couch and pulled her into a hug. She started sobbing into my shoulder and clung to me for several long minutes. My new dress was getting soaked with her tears and it hurt me to feel her misery. I knew then that there was no easy way to end a marriage, even if you both know that it is the right thing to do.

"I am SO sorry," she sobbed into my dress. "I never wanted things to turn out this way."

I waited as she gathered her thoughts. She slowly pulled back to look me in the eye.

"No, we did not plan this. When we went to Louisiana, I truly hoped that you and I would become parents together." She continued, "Yes, there's been chemistry between Tom and I since we first met, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t committed to our marriage. I suspect that everyone finds more than one person attractive over the years. I am pretty sure that you found little Amy Hunter more than a little attractive. Maybe you still do."

She had me there. Amy was a coworker that I was pretty attracted to at one point. There was some moderately strong chemistry between us, but she could never have replaced Sandra. Up until this morning we were still coworkers but we had both moved away from our mutual attraction.

Sandra relaxed a little and continued, "Tom isn't the first guy that I have found to be cute and to be attracted to. Because of my love for you, I was able to resist my attraction to Tom just as successfully as I had with the others. That is until recently. I finally quit resisting when I gave you your first panties. Handing you that package caused me to finally accept, in my heart, that there was no going back and that we couldn’t go on as husband and wife. For me, it was the symbolic end our of our marriage.

"While you are, and always will be, my first love that love has morphed into something just as wonderful. It is no longer the love of a married couple but the love of best girlfriends, which can be almost as intense as married love.

"When Tom and I started having regular lunches together soon after we first met it was all business. I could tell that he was attracted to me and I found that flattering since I also found him attractive. He has since told me that he fell head over heels in love with me the first time we met but he was resigned to loving me from afar. Looking back now, I think that I fell for him at the same time, but I just assumed that it was another one of those fleeting attractions and brushed it off as best I could. I have to admit now that I wasn't very successful at putting him aside. You get to know a lot about someone when you work closely with them. As we got to know each other our friendship grew deeper. I convinced myself that Tom was just one of those harmless attractions, even though I could tell that he was thoroughly smitten with me. I tried to stop seeing him, but we really did need to work together and we became good friends and business confidants, but nothing more than that. As I have repeatedly told you, I was still devoted to our marriage.

"You already know the story, that after one of our arguments at home about discontinuing fertility treatments, I expressed my frustration to him as a friend. I was so mad at you that day that I wasn't seeing straight. You already know this, but when he said that maybe he could help us, I wanted to hear what he had in mind. I wanted a baby so badly. I still do. He told me that he might know a treatment that would bring you and I children and he wanted to know if I was interested. I told him that everything else had failed but I still had hope that we'd find a way. He assured me that this method was different than all the others. Then he told me about his grandmother and all the miracles that he had seen her perform. I was intrigued and told him that I doubted that I could get you to cooperate since you had decided to quit pursuing having children. I told him to go ahead anyway and find out if she could help us. A few days later he told me that Grandma had consented to help us. I called and talked with her for a long time and she assured me that she had the means to help us. She made the strange request about the nut and bolt without saying why she needed them. While she didn’t share with me the specifics of the ceremony, the whole thing sounded as far fetched as some of our other attempts. After talking with her, I almost dismissed the idea of going to see her. But as I thought about it, I figured it couldn't do any harm so what the heck. We needed a quick vacation after all the stress we’d been under so I thought what we might as well give it a try. That's when I approached you.

"I was surprised that you agreed to go. I really meant it, at the time, when I agreed that this would be our last attempt. I did not want to lose you over the pregnancy obsession, and I realized that I had put our marriage in jeopardy by my compelling need for a baby. Looking back, I have to admit that I don't think that I could have kept my promise. I still feel an overwhelming need to get pregnant and I'm afraid of what would have happened to our marriage if I couldn't get pregnant with you. I am so sorry, Andy, I just can't help it," she sobbed again.

I pulled her into another hug without saying a thing. She settled down after a couple of minutes and I let her continue her story.

"When we met with Tom to talk about his grandmother before we committed to seeing her, I never sensed that he was trying to break up our marriage.

"Just so you know, I still haven’t told him about the mated bolt and nut, so he doesn’t know about the prophesized marriage. He only actively pursued our romantic relationship after I recently told him that I was open to a relationship with him since my marriage to you was effectively over and we’d given up on reversing your changes.

"When we left for Louisiana, I was truly ready to suppress my urges to become pregnant and move forward with you and without children if this treatment failed. I was so much in love with you. I was sure that I wanted you more than I wanted children. While I was good friends with Tom, I had no intention of ever leaving you for him. For Tom’s part, he has assured me that he never wanted to break our marriage and I believe him. He saw that we were basically happy. Tom feels badly about how this has all come about, particularly for you. He knows that none of this would have happened without Grandma's interference.

"When we were at Grandma Broussard's I got an uneasy feeling when she produced that second bolt and laid it next to our barely mated nut and bolt. After the ceremony was over, I was pretty sure that that bolt represented Tom. As this was all hocus pocus, as you put it, I was determined to kill my feelings for Tom and give him a piece of my mind when we got back. I really didn't expect the ceremony to amount to anything.

"While you went fishing, I had a nice visit with Grandma and settled down somewhat. She told me a lot more about her family and Tom in particular. Apparently, Tom is a favored grandson and the family was very disappointed that he still hadn't married by the time he turned thirty. I think that his family was resigned to the idea that he would always be a bachelor. He has always been a geek who is more devoted to his work than to relationships. Grandma told me that many of the local girls had tried their hand with him over the years, but to no avail. Tom had told her about his attraction to me shortly after meeting me for the first time. He had also told her that he honored my marriage vows. Being a favored grandson, Grandma said that she was inclined to help him anyway she could. She confided in me that she felt that Tom wouldn't stay single much longer. I was happy to hear that thinking that if he were to marry that he would be over his feelings for me. I did have a brief uneasy feeling that the ceremony we had just participated in was somehow tied to her prediction. I didn't let it worry me too much since the ceremony appeared to be as much hocus pocus as many of our other attempts."

"You never told me some of this." I pointed out. "You’ve known all along that you’d end up with Tom?"

"No," she defended, "Grandma never said that I would end up marrying her grandson. She just said that he wouldn't be single much longer. I didn't realize what she meant until much later. You were the only love of my life at that time and I couldn't see how we could stay so close, as she predicted, if we weren't continuing to be husband and wife. If we were to remain married, then it logically followed that you would be the father of my three children. I honestly wanted to believe that your bolt had transformed and we were mated and the other bolt divided and became the young girl and three children. I never once considered that you would morph into the young girl and that I would find love with Tom. So, no, I did not know from the beginning that I would end up with Tom. I would have begged her to undo the magic if I had known where this was headed."

"That first month after we got back from Louisiana was like heaven. I loved you more than ever and just knew that we would be lovers forever. I tried to eliminate my attraction to Tom by distancing myself from him. I even introduced him to a couple of single girls in the office thinking that one of them might fulfill Grandma's prediction for her grandson. He went out with one of them a few times, but nothing came of it. I was pretty standoffish with Tom for a couple of months. I actually tried to hand his account off to someone else, but he talked to my boss and threatened to take his rather substantial account somewhere else if I wasn't managing it. My expertise in the health industry is a perfect match for his investment and business strategy and he didn’t want to lose that connection. He also admitted to me recently that he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me regularly. We actually compliment each other very well, professionally speaking. I was told that I would need to manage his account if I wanted to keep my job. I made sure that our contact was purely professional. We met at the office and I always tried to have someone else present when I met with him."

"You didn’t mention this either," I pointed out.

She paused for a minute as tears started to stream down her cheeks again.

"No, I didn’t. I didn't lie to you about it either. I have never lied to you. I just haven't told you everything. I am so sorry about that. I thought that everything was under control and I didn’t want to worry you.

"Then the changes started to happen. Your ability to perform sexually eventually disappeared. Our love morphed into that of close female friends instead of that of husband and wife.

"One morning last month I woke up and saw a girl in our bed and it hit home that what we had once was gone. I felt a great sense of loss. That's when I bought those panties for you, knowing that our marriage was over. I still felt a strong need to get pregnant and knew that you'd never be able to do the job. I needed a man in my life. One who would love me and our children. Looking at you, a young girl, sleeping in our marriage bed it was clear to me that you were no longer that man. The depth of what Grandma Broussard had done hit me hard and renewed my anger towards Tom. Unfortunately, I was, by then, a believer in the magic and knew where things were going. I felt powerless to stop what was happening to you and the feelings growing in my heart for Tom. I found that I didn’t really want to stop things. The guilt of that realization just about killed me. I found Tom constantly in my dreams, day and night, and I couldn't forget him. I finally admitted to myself that I loved him, and probably had, to some degree, since we first met. The feelings I have for Tom reminded me of when you and I first met. You were always there in my mind and that excited me and brought joy to my heart. This time, however, the realization that I was in love again brought guilt and anguish instead of excitement and anticipation.

"It was all very confusing. I felt dirty and unfaithful. It has been awful. I still feel very guilty about it, but eventually I realized it's not my fault or yours. Your changes caused us to lose our marriage and opened a way for my new love while still being close to you. It was as if the male you had been had died and I was essentially a widow with a close girlfriend. I did talk with a grief counselor who told me that people who lose someone they really love almost always feel as if they are being untrue to their lost loved one when they discover new love. Many don’t make the transition and push the new love away and wallow in their misery. She helped me to realize that you and I can never go back to what we had. Andy has effectively died and isn’t coming back. I tried to find a way back to what we had. We tried. Tom tried. You know that we tried contacting Grandma, but she won't talk to us right now. Tom is not happy with her and she isn't talking to him either. She has said, through other family, that she would talk to us after nine months had expired. We still have three months to go.

"So I did the easy thing, and gave in," She gave another sob at that. "The same day that I gave you your first panties, I resolved to move forward on my feelings for Tom. I called him that morning and asked to meet him for lunch. At lunch I told him that I still wasn't happy with his grandmother's interference with my marriage but that our marriage was effectively over. I told him that I will always love my Andy, but that he is gone now and isn’t coming back. He’s been replaced by a wonderful young woman who is my best friend in the world. I told Tom that I found myself attracted to him and that, if you and I could no longer be a married couple that I would be willing to explore a relationship with him. He needed to understand that nothing serious would happen between him and I until you and I legally resolved our marriage. As I mentioned, I still haven’t told him that he and I were mated in Grandma’s ceremony. I don’t want him thinking that a marriage between us is a given.

"My marriage to you means a lot to me and I am not about to be untrue to my marriage vows while they are in effect. Well, that’s not quite true. I suppose that I have been emotionally untrue lately as I’ve started to develop my relationship with Tom without your expressed consent. I have felt guilty about seeing him without talking to you, I have been struggling to think of some way to break the news without damaging my new relationship with you. I know that we’ve talked about this possibility, but I just couldn’t see how you could not be hurt by my new love for Tom.

"You should have given me some credit," I quietly told her. "Yes it hurts, but not as much as I would have thought. I love where we have come as friends. You’ve hurt me more as a BFF than as a husband. The husband in me disappeared a while ago. From what you've said, you've kept a lot from me recently."

"I’m sorry, Andy," she teared up again. "I really didn’t want to hurt you."

"I know, girlfriend," I reassured her.

"I can see now," she sadly reflected, "where keeping my secrets has not kept you from pain. I promise to be more open in the future and trust the strength of the bond between us. I never want to lose you, girlfriend."

"And I don't want to lose you either," I assured her. "I will get over it. I know that your intentions were good."

"Anyway," Sandra continued the story, "our regular lunches started up again. We've been meeting for lunch dates almost every work day since then. Last week, when you had to work late one evening, we went out for our first romantic dinner date and took a walk in the city park. He was so handsome and I loved hanging on his arm. We were strolling along the river when he turned to me, took me in his arms, and gently kissed me for the first time." She got a dreamy look on her face.

"And you kissed him back," I said more as a statement than a question.

The guilty look returned to her face and she sheepishly replied, "I did. I was caught up in the moment and had pushed the guilt to the back of my mind."

"And you enjoyed it," I observed.

She hung her head and tears started again. "I did. I didn't want it to stop. I'm so sorry, Andy."

"That's okay, girlfriend," I consoled her. "What happened next?"

"He ruined everything in the most beautiful way," she sighed. "He took my hand, got down on one knee, and told me that he loved me. Then he held out a ring and asked me to marry him. It was so romantic, but all I could do was cry. I wanted to accept his proposal with every fiber of my being but all I could do was cry as the guilt of what we were doing crashed in on me. I love you, Andy, and I just can't hurt my best girlfriend and husband. I didn’t know what to do but I knew that I had to be true to you until we could talk about how to gracefully end our marriage. I told him that I loved him too, but that I couldn't accept his marriage proposal until you and I resolved our situation. You found me crying on the couch when you came home that night.

"Tom’s proposal put the pressure on me to legally end what was already gone. I still haven’t figured out a graceful way to end our marriage. I guess that I am a coward and have been afraid to broach the subject with you. I knew that we were no longer lovers but I didn't know how you’d feel about me loving Tom while still being married to you. I know we've talked of this, but the conversations were clinical. I didn’t really know how you’d feel about ending our marriage. When you arrived at the restaurant today, we were discussing ways to break the news to you without upsetting you. I guess that you took care of the problem for us."

"Until today," I told her, "when the Doctor declared me to be female, I wasn’t completely ready to admit defeat. I knew that we were no longer lovers. The day you gave me those panties and we went shopping for my new wardrobe I knew that our marriage was doomed but there was still a shred of hope left in my heart. I watched your torment grow and knew that we needed to resolve this soon or you'd go crazy, but, like you, I didn’t know how to break the news. I knew that your future was coming into focus. I felt that you needed to be the first to make a move to end the marriage so that you could move forward with your obvious new love. I don’t know where I am heading so there is not a compelling need on my part to end what we have. When I saw the text from Tom this morning, I realized that it was past time to end our marriage. I wanted to set you free to relieve your pain. The news from the Doctor only reinforced the notion that this was the time. I knew that I had to bring things to a head if you wouldn't."

"I was wondering how you found us," She sighed.

"That text really bothered me at first. When I read it I felt betrayed. Not as a husband but as a best friend. I knew then, for sure, that you were seeing him with marriage on your mind and you hadn't told me, your supposed best friend, about it. It explained all the torment that you've had lately. I could see your pain and my heart ached for you. You didn't have to hide your love for Tom from me. It is hard to hide the glow of new love and that glow has been increasing, even through your anguish, for a few weeks now.

"Looking in the mirror each morning and watching Andi emerge, I have come to realize that I can no longer give you the happiness that we once had. I am standing in your way of finding that kind of happiness again. I found myself strangely pleased that my BFF was finding love but felt betrayed in that she wouldn't share her new found happiness with me."

"Andi?" She asked. She caught the nuance of the name change.

"I am having my name changed to Andrea Marie," I told her.

"That's a pretty name," She gives me a wane smile. The tears were drying up. I think that we both were coming off our emotional high, realizing that there are no hard feelings between us now that all the cards are on the table.

"I remember that evening last week," I reflected with a sigh, "when I came home and saw your tears and red puffy eyes. It was hard to miss the empty boxes of tissues. I also noticed your new evening dress hung over the chair in our room. You were distressed but didn't want to talk about what had happened. I figured that I'd just give you time and that you'd confide in me when you were ready. That's what best girlfriends do, or so I'm told."

"I am SO sorry," she said again sheepishly.

"Anyway," I continued, "getting let go at work today and hearing about my new chromosomes were the last two straws. I could no longer watch you suffer. I knew what I had to do. And I knew what I needed to do it. I decided to embrace my new girlhood and confront the situation head on.

"So I went shopping, bought this new outfit..."

"You look wonderful in it, by the way," She interrupted me. "It’s a great first dress. I love the hose and ankle boots too. I can see, however, that I need to help you learn more about makeup and how to sit like a lady in a dress."

"Thanks," I continue, "I think. The sales lady at the store said that it looked nice on me and helped me with the makeup. It was a rush job. I put it on your credit card, by the way.

"Anyway, I needed to feel as far away from being your husband as possible and this seemed to be the best way to do it. I knew that it was going to be hard and I needed the reminder of my new gender status to make it a little easier for me to get through. I also knew where you both were, so I went to Sullivan's and confronted you. It wasn't meant to be an angry confrontation. I hope that it didn't come across that way, though I am very put out at Tom for his and his grandmother's role in all this. I knew that I needed set you free and let you two get on with your lives. It was clear to me, as I approached your booth, you both have a strong romantic love for each other. I hate to admit it, but you seem to be a well matched couple. Ending our marriage is a little easier knowing that you are marrying a man who adores you and that we will continue to be best friends, that is if you still want to be."

Sandra eagerly nodded to confirm her desire to remain friends.

"Anyway, after I left the restaurant, I tracked down a lawyer who, amazingly, had time to help me this afternoon. It's like the stars aligned since it usually takes weeks to get into see her. She helped put together the dissolution paperwork, a petition for legal recognition of my new gender and a petition for a name change. She also told me how to change my name and gender on all official documents.

"So," I finally asked, "Did he propose again?"

Holding up her left hand, she showed me an engagement ring that made the one I had given her look like it came from the dime store.

"I see that he took my advice," I noted dryly. "That's quite a rock. Did he get to see your lingerie?"

She turned a bright red as she exclaimed, "No! He didn't, he hasn't, and he won’t until we’re married. I am still a married woman and adultery is not something that I am ready to add to my list of sins no matter how much I want a baby. He’s had the ring in his pocket since his first proposal, waiting for me to say yes."

"Now that we need to dissolve our marriage, however," She continued sheepishly, "he wants us to get married as soon as legally possible. And I guess that I do too."

"Do you really love him?" I asked earnestly.

"Yes," she admitted with a grimace, "I do. As I said, I just didn’t admit it to myself until recently because I loved you, as my husband, too. But our love has changed and opened the door for my love for Tom. It’s all been so confusing."

"Is he a good kisser?" I asked trying to lighten the mood.

"I don’t really know," She blushed. "Until today, he has only kissed me that one time on our date, just before he first proposed. That was a nice kiss, but I could tell that he doesn't have any real experience with kissing. I’ve been in such turmoil since then he hasn't tried again until today. He gave me a quick kiss after he slipped the ring on my finger after lunch, but I was so upset that the romance just wasn’t there. I'm afraid that I didn't kiss him back like he would have liked. I will need to do more research on the topic before I can render an informed opinion."

"Well," I said with resignation, "We are still married, but as I’m okay with the engagement, I suppose I’m okay with some kissing. Give him a big one for me."

I reach out and gave her a big hug while trying to stifle a tear or two of my own. "I love you girlfriend and wish you great happiness."

"I love you too," She started crying again. "Andi, can I ask a favor?"

"Sure, girlfriend," I responded.

"Can I have my wedding ring back?" She asked hopefully.

"Why?" I asked confused. "We won't be married. You need to wear Tom's"

"We are still married," She pointed out. "I would like people to know that I'm still a married woman."

"Won't your wedding ring get in the way of your new engagement ring?" I was confused. "I think that Tom would rather have you wearing his ring."

"A widow friend of mine," she explained, "put her wedding ring on a gold chain and made a necklace out of it to keep her old love near to her heart. She never wants to forget what she once had. I'd like to do the same. I don't want to forget what a great love we had as husband and wife. I can wear the necklace while still displaying my new commitment to Tom."

"Don't you think that Tom will object?" I asked.

"I don't think so," she replied. "Once we are no longer married, I won't wear it every day and he knows that I cherish the memory of my marriage to you."

I smiled as I slipped her ring off my ring finger and returned it to her.

We hugged again and I whispered "Thanks" in her ear.

When she came home the next night, she was wearing her new wedding ring necklace. She brought home an extra gold chain and we made a necklace for me with my wedding band on it. Sandra she wore that necklace, and her engagement ring, every day for the remainder of our legal marriage. I, similarly, wore my new necklace daily.

Breaking the hug, I reached down by my side and pick up the pile of papers that I had brought with me. "If you want that wedding, we have some work to do. The lawyer says that it could take up to two months for the dissolution to become final. That is if we can agree on terms and get this paperwork filed."

We were up late that evening working through the many details required to legally end our almost ten years of marriage. Fortunately, we were able to work out the details without much disagreement. She was feeling quite generous as a way to make up to me for her betrayal of my trust. It also occurred to me that assets would be the least of her worries after she married the apparently very wealthy Tom. We were reasonably well off but didn't have a lot and she wouldn't lose much, relatively speaking, by just walking away from it all. We had spent most of our money on useless fertility treatments and there wasn’t a lot in the bank. I was going to be the big loser on the monetary front as I would no longer have access to our combined incomes. I had just lost mine and she'd be taking her much larger income with her. I would need to find a new job soon. It was a melancholy evening for both of us.

"You know that you are my best friend?" she reminded me as we wrapped up the dissolution negotiation. "Thanks for making this hard time easier."

"That's what best friends do," I observed, "You've been doing that for me for a long time now. I need to be thanking you. I can never repay you for the support that you have been these last few months."

"Oh, but you have," she smiled. "You paid me back at lunch, and again this evening."

"How did I do that?" I said in confusion.

She warmed me with a smile as she explained, "You lifted the anguish from my heart and the torment from my mind when you set me free. It is the best payment that you could give me under the circumstances. You have also given me your friendship, something that I will always treasure. I know how much this has cost you."

This declaration resulted in another round of hugs and tears. There were a lot of those going around that evening.

Sandra helped me to move out of the master bedroom and into our teen girl room, as we had come to call it. It was, after all, made for me.

Going through the closet and my drawers, all male clothing that we encountered went into trash bags for delivery to a charity shop. After we sorted out everything, I didn’t have much left to move over to my new closet and drawers. Much of my newly acquired female clothing was already too big for me. I was still shrinking.

"It looks as if we need to go shopping again," Sandra observed.

"It better be the charity shops," I sighed, "until I can find another job."

She gave me a hug and replied, "I can help. We agreed that our incomes will be shared until the divorce is final. We’ll make sure that you have an adequate wardrobe before we’re done."

"We better wait until we know what size I will end up as," I pointed out. "We probably won’t find out until June. You will probably be remarried by then."

"Good point," she looked at me sadly.

Continuing to share her income until the end was one of the generous concessions that she offered to make. She insisted that we split what’s left in the accounts the day before the dissolution is final. Over the next couple of months, Sandra did her best to make sure that I had everything I needed. She spent almost her entire income from that period getting me set up for the future. She really didn't take much more than her car, clothes, and accessories when all was said and done.

By the time we had finished working together that evening, I could see that Sandra's torment was pretty much gone. I am pretty sure that there was some residual guilt, but she seemed truly happy for the first time in weeks. Both of us felt that a great burden had been lifted from our lives.

As I moved the last of my things out of the master bedroom, I closed the door behind me. Sandra was calling Tom to let him know the outcome of the evening's discussions.

I set the crystal on my new nightstand where I could keep an eye on the blue’s losing battle, knowing that the Cavalry would never come.

As I contemplated the meaning of the changing crystal, I decided to change my perspective. From then on, I would be watching the pink’s progress towards eventual triumphant victory instead of focusing on the blue's ultimate annihilation. I was going to embrace my new reality, embrace the pink, and find happiness in unexpected opportunity. There had to be opportunity somewhere in this mess and I wanted to find it. There would be no good to be found dwelling on what was lost. I needed to determine what I had gained instead.

Most of all, I just wanted the transition to be over so that I could truly move forward with my life. I sighed as I braced myself for another three months of transition.

That first night in my new room was lonely. It would take some time to get used to being alone in bed again. I was sure that Sandra was having the same problem, but her bed would not be lonely for too much longer.

----<0>----

With the help of my lawyer's office, I filed the dissolution, gender, and name change petitions the next day. There would be no looking back.