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ok so a few days ago I watched the youtube channel the nostalgia critic do a take on the movie "The Wall", and it brought me back to one of the darker moments of my childhood.
See, when I was a teen, I saw the Wall, and I saw the movie as a cautionary tale of what I could become. Because I had walls too. Walls that protected me, but also isolated me. So after the movie, rather than seeking help, I decided to try and take down my walls on my own.
It ... didnt go well.
Because I discovered I didnt have a just a wall between myself and the world - I had one inside my mind as well, a wall that protected me from the memories of my rapes, among other events. So I broke, again, just like I had during my rapes. I disassociated, basically running on auto-pilot for about 3 days before finally waking up so to speak, with a radically changed brain.
See, I had been quite fragmented internally, with almost multiple personalities were inside me. I became more unified but there were still a couple of fragments not accounted for, with my girl side being the largest of these.
So even though there's little doubt I shouldn't have done this without a professional mental health person helping me, the end result ... well it could have been worse.
Make of this what you will.
Comments
triggering
I know how much it sucks reliving something you were over or somehow managed to put out of your mind for a time. It's almost worse than living through it the first time because you know where the flashbacks are going to go, but you can't stop it. I had a small problem with that earlier today while working on one of my new stories, It's a bit darker than my usual fare in places and since my stories kind of write themselves sometimes I wrote myself into a scene that triggered me.
What I try doing at times like that is taking several deep breaths to calm myself once the worst is over and imagine a bright sphere of light around myself, one that nothing can get inside to hurt me, and I remind myself that I'm no longer the person that went through that, that I'm stronger now and I don't need to be afraid of memories.
I think getting it out there helps too, it helps you to own the moment, rather than it owning you. I think you're taking a good step forward by posting this and I hope you know that you have lots of friends here for hugs and support if and when you need them.
*big hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
The Wall
I hope that I'm not butting in here. I saw "The Wall" and thought that it was one of the most vividly Video Graphed, and had the best CGI of any movie I'd ever seen. It frightened the HELL out of me. Fortunately, I was watching it on my Computer, so just hit pause, or maybe more than once.
I've tried to sit through "The Thin Red Line" more than once and not succeeded. It was traumatic. I'd been in the Army but not gone to Vietnam and it was still far too graphic for me.
The second "Fifty Shades of Grey" was the worst for me. She so loved him and he was incapable of that. Very sad.
The danger of "What if..."
Thinking over the past is usually okay if you don't get mired in the "What ifs" where you start beating yourself up over making the wrong or a bad decision. My brother-in-law is 58, just lost his latest job for cause, has nothing, and lives in my home since 1990. He What ifs himself to the point he can't make any decision. He's a great guy, but totally hopeless. My wife passed 9 years ago and I'm the only family he has.
That you have passed through your walls to come out the other side speaks of your heart and stamina. While the road can still be rough, hold onto who you truly are and you'll make it through.
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue