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I am facing a group of issues, any one of which would put serious strain on my spoon count.
The first is my bipolar cycle, which seems to be accelerating, somehow. I've had three crippling depressions inside of two weeks, each only lasting hours. This is far faster than anything I've dealt with before, and I dont know why its happening.
The second involves my PTSD. I seem to be in a state of hyper-awareness, the total opposite of my usual disassociation. And just like the bipolar cycle, i have no clue why.
A third involves my stomach. I've been dealing with a lot of discomfort, gas, and general nasty feelings, which could mean bad news or could be just stomach flu and I dont know which.
The last, and most worrying, is a self-destructive urge that I've been battling for months. I dont mean suicidal, I mean that I have to FIGHT like hell to do any self care. Its costing me way too many spoons to do even the minimum, and I am falling behind ...
Unfortunately, my attempts at finding counseling have been unsuccessful, and since the only idea I have is to go to the hospital. and I'm booked with Sam both tomorrow and Friday, it will be Monday before I can see anybody,
Pray I can hold out till then.
Comments
Hang in there girl
Many of us know the sort of trials and tribulations that you are going through.
I look at my list of things that need doing around the house and it seems that for every one that gets ticked off another two are added...
I've now realised that is the norm for this part of the year. As things waken from their winter slumber things that could not be done three months ago now need doing.
Take things steady. Don't fret that something you had planned for today does not get completed. That will only add to your stress.
Small incremental gains.
That is a term used in professional cycling and it can equally apply to our lives. Try not to be too optimistic. Then you may surprise yourself at what you actually have done even by lunchtime.
Samantha
i'm
Often in a state of stasis - stuff is always getting pushed aside, writing, cleaning etc, etc.
I find that a decent bike ride (or long walk) works wonders for clearing the head. Sometimes it works too well and I end up relaxed about life to the point of lethargy!
As Sam says, baby steps and you'll be amazed what you can do.
Madeline Anafrid Bell
Dear Dottie,
I'm unipolar but have been suffering, most of the time, since college. I've sort of lost the ability to be subtile or polite, some annoying dementia from being too depressed too long.
When you write, questions come to me: Are you seeing your pshrink very often? What does E say? Can you switch to other bipolar meds?
For your PSTD, I don't know if you've heard, but treatment by a therapist with MDMA, (ecstasy). The treatment is just a few sessions. So vets get it in this country but, our medicare won't cover it; it's experimental. 8(
With Canada's better health care, maybe you can get that treatment. Tell'm your so depressed and suicidal you need a new therapy, it could very well help you a lot.
Maddie's right too; your body has evolved to be active, especially long aerobic activity like waking. If you can get into walking or even pulling yourself around in a walker or wheelchair it can really help your mood and health. It would probably surprise you.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Argh! I'm really sorry. I
Argh! I'm really sorry. I agree with what others have said, hang in there and nil illegitimum carborundum!
Polly