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... think of committing suicide?
And I am not just saying 'thinking about it on a whim' but really constructively planing it, date, time method, suicide note...
Or am I alone at the moment in planning to do this. I am sure some of you have read a bit about me, that I have shared in messages and comments, but very few, no let us make that no one knows that I truly am at the end of my rope, or should I say path.
And to be honest it does not really matter.
What brought this on now, would be the fact that this weekend my family, mother, sister, younger brother and his wife, cousins are all traveling to my older brother to celebrate his 50th birthday. My father will not be there, because he passed away 2015 at age 71 exactly, he died the evening of his birthday the 7th of December, for you Americans Pearl Harbor Day.
A little bit of background here, since me being trans being revealed to my older brother in 1991, we had one worthwhile conversation directly after that, but he got married to a fucking conservative cunt bitch in 1992, 4th of January, and since then, if we have spoken 10 sentences to one another it would be a lot. Funny thing, the week of my father's memorial service, I was already at my parents home, and when he arrived with the cunt and their two sons ages 16 and 14, they had to be explained who I was, and summarily told not to go near me or even speak to me. Their cunt of a mother is one of those fucked in the head people that believe someone like me could infect her children with a dreadful terminal illness just by being me.
I don't know why... no, that is a lie, I do know why this bothers me, but there truly is no answer to this and it will never change, but knowing that you have direct family and being disowned is worse than having a family die instead.
This really getting to me now, because I am at an extremely low point, been sick a lot the last 2 years, spent six weeks in bed last year with a severe case of an middle ear infection that has left me with balance problems, and got diagnosed with a bunch of ulcers in my stomach and my esophagus is completely raw where it leads into my stomach. Add to that a precancerous growth was removed from my colon and it does not feel like it has properly healed and you have the makings of me not having eaten a proper meal for the past 6 moths and variations of the same food for the past 3 years. The pain I constantly experience is fucking ridiculous and because of the ulcers and raw esophagus painpills are out of the question.
I have mentioned this in a previous comment, but I am on my own, not speaking to anybody in the town I grew up with no friends at all. In the last eight weeks or so have physically spoken to only 2 different people and still have very little to say to anybody.
I also stated that the writers here on BC has probably been one of 3 things that have kept me alive, the others being, and this might sound funny, I need to see the end of Game of Thrones, and there are a few anime series I still have to finish watching. But people here like Julie d Cole, Enemyoffun, Audrissa, Savannah Maun, Efindumb, Sigh, Rebecca Jane and SamanthaMD has really kept me going with the amazing current stories being written so thank you all.
Game of Thrones ends at the end of May, so after that, all bets are off, but I have been planning to do said deed on my 47th birthday, the 16th of September. So unless there is a drastic change around in my life health wise, that will probably be it.
The other sad thing is, I can not even say, let me pop over a few towns to visit one of you people for a chat because I have not come across other South Africans on BC so far.
One last thought, I have tried to commit suicide 3 times before and have been very close to death another 8 times, so I view death a little bit different than most. I am also an atheist, so the whole disappointing god thing, fuck that for a joke.
So there, in the end, what will be will be, life is just so fucking random so maybe the sun will shine just at the right angle tomorrow to soothe my sorrows who the fuck knows.
Later.
Oh, just one last thing, my actual name is Samantha, but Sam will also do, Mantori is my artist name under which I paint and write
Comments
Get help
Call a hotline
Trans Lifeline
Suicide prevention lifeline
People who know what they're talking about would be better at it than I.
Like you, when I'm feeling low I find something in the future to look forward to.
... I know, I am just so
... I know, I am just so fucking tired of all this life bullshit.
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill
I feel your pain, many of us have shared it at some point.
However, consider this... if you do it, your bigoted sister in law will win and use your death as proof she was right! Your nephews are already under her bigoted thumb, your death could easily drive them deeper into bigotry. Live and prove her wrong!
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
Uh Huh
For business reasons, I had about $3 million in life insurance death benefit on me up until recently. It was horribly tempting to think about suicide and leaving my spouse financially set.
Over the last few years, I've made several financial moves that have allowed me to become comfortable. Not rich, but comfortable. If nothing crazy happens I'll live out life in comfort. (We're all one prolonged illness away from poverty.)
Because of those life policies I've had to think seriously and prepare for suicide. That is one piss poor way to have to think. In the end, I just could not do that to my family.
In your case, it doesn't seem like you would want to do that to your family, either. You sound too nice to want to put that much guilt on them.
You definitely could use a friend. Make a plan to make a new friend. Stick to it until it works. Life is pretty decent, but it's constant work.
Forget your fucking cunt bitch sister-in-law. I've written off quite a number of r3elatives and never think of them. Call your brother and ask him how he and you can celebrate his birthday without creating a family schism. I'll bet he'd love to have a quiet meal with you this week. If not, you've taken the high road.
Much love to you.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
10 feet 4 inches
Planning you ask? 10'4" is the drop from upstairs to the bottom floor of my house. The rope would have been 8 feet. I made sure there would be no footholds, door knobs, etc so I could not change my mind.
I sought help and am glad I did.
I had considered suicide a few times in the past and always worked thru it.
I considered a gun once, in order to be "considerate" I was going to do it in a bath tub and have a shower curtain to lessen the mess.
Yeah, I've thought about it.
Do NOT do it!
Glad I didn't. There are no "do overs"
Donna
You're Not Alone
It is a fact that a large percentage of Trans people have depression so this is something you should look into. Discuss it with your PCP. (Primary Care Physician). Depression is treatable. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and take several medications to control it. I'm not a happy-go-lucky person but I get by. I also have PTSD, but with the medications I take the incidence of nightmares, irrational temper and the like have greatly decreased. I can now go months between episodes, used to be just days between them with sometimes happening for days at a time.
I still have times where I get the urge to commit retroactive abortion, but that should be punished by a fine for discharging a firearm in a public place or the like. Hey, it should be considered a public service and they would give me the key to the city or some such.
When my GF and I came out after high school we were both disinherited. At the time of her death Robyn had not yet reconnected with her family, and it took more than 20yrs to reestablish connections with mine. Your brother may come around or he may not, but killing yourself forecloses every option. So hang in there, you're a young pup with many years to go, don't cut yourself short. There are undoubtedly many happy times you haven't lived yet.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Suicide?
No, never.
I'm one of those lucky ones. I don't even get depressed ... a bit down every once in a while, but nothing long lasting.
However. many of my friends and acquaitances are war vets. They face the devils from within. They tell me there are only two recourses.
1. Professional help.
2. Groups of like-minded folk who appreciate what they've been through and how to cope.
So, based on their expert advice:
1. get professional help.
2. seek out groups of like-minded people, I'm sure there is a hotline in your area. They will be eager to help.
PLEASE
Do what the experts tell us works, namely, professional help and groups.
And, as Monty Python tells us:
'Always look on the bright side of life' Commence whistling here.
Red MacDonald
South Africa Suicide Hotline
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/south-africa-suicide-hotlines.html
There is help...
Hugs,
Leila
I have been there, Samantha
three times I stood right on the edge, moments from doing the deed, and somehow managed to draw back in time. I'm glad I did, I would have missed so many good moments, moments I never even dreamed possible. Suicide takes away any chance things will get better. please call the hotline, and try to hang in there. huggles.
Very true
You are correct... there WILL be better times - IF you stick around you'll find this to be true. (Thanx for the comment Dot)
Donna
I think many of us have been there
I'm no exception, thought about it several times, although it has been some years since I contemplated it. Back in my early 20's a friend and mentor found me in that mindset and brought me out of it with one single sentence. Any time that thought came to mind thereafter I would remember what he told me that night.
He told me, "Don't give the bastards the satisfaction!"
We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
I have heard that voice in my
I have heard that voice in my head several times and it has such great ideas that it’s been miraculous that I never go through with them...anymore. Let’s just say I’ve had to drown myself in activated charcoal a few times,
While I cannot completely understand the pain you are going through I will say that I’ve known the feelings you have and I still have them but I try to let the voices pass and let everything return to normal.
your sister in law is being hollow.
Sad.
Come on Samantha
You inspired me to start writing again and pick up stories so you have been like a breath of fresh air on this site as far as I'm concerned. Lean on us as necessary to help you through your bad periods and focus on your health. I hope that by having the courage to write as you did has helped bring out your frustration and disappointment. South Africa is a beautiful country based on my visits but maybe not as quick to accept change. I rely on you and always watch for comments or posts. Hence I opened your message. Be strong and brave. Hugs
Help in your area
There are places in South Africa that offer help with suicide prevention.
Here's the link for two of them.
http://www.sadag.org/
and
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/south-africa-s...
Both have listings of what I assume must be phone numbers for help and physical addresses of where these places are located.
I know your situation seems hopeless, but suicide is really and extreme idea. At least contact some professional and talk it out with them.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
If you want to keep reading my stories you have to be here to do
it.
I'll make you a deal. I'll keep writing if you keep reading.
Hugs
Savannah
That is...
... one of the best offers so far.
I will keep on reading until such time when shit just becomes too much.
I had a long whatsapp conversation with probably my closest friend, we differ in age by two months. She knows me well enough that she could hear in my voice I was close to ending me. She also mentioned that she saw it in my eyes the last time we met around my birthday last year.
For now, though I will I will keep reading and commenting ...
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill
Permanent vs. Temporary
As you have noted yourself, light days follow dark days. Depression is a terrible thing for making you forget that there are good days, too.
As someone wise once said, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
You have choices:
1) Find a therapist you can work with to help put and keep things in perspective.
2) See if a psychopharmaceutical specialist can find something to help level things out a bit.
3) Pour your pain and misery into your art, so you can share it with others. A burden shared is not as heavy.
Very well said!
Wise words...
Donna
Yeah, been there, done that.
There were several occasions where I sat counting the number of pills I had and calculating the correct number to take - too few and I wouldn’t accomplish my task, yet too many would result in my throwing them up and failing as well. The benefits of an education in Chemical Engineering - you have enough organic chemistry background to do the calculations, and I could never be sure.
There were actually two times where I was about to put the end of my M1911 in my mouth and put a .45ACP round through my brain - but on both occasions was stopped by my phone. Once by a phone call from my oldest son, and once by a text from my middle son. I still have that text; I pull it out and read it whenever I start to have doubts.
Hell, I even researched the best way to do it - helium.
All you need is a tank of helium, which can be purchased at most party supply stores and many discount stores - WalMart immediately comes to mind - under the commercial name “Balloon Time”. Add in a plastic garbage bag, some duct tape, and some rubber tubing. Attach the rubber tubing to the helium tank, put the plastic bag..........
Well, i’m not going to spell it out here as someone might use it and I would feel awful.
Let’s just say that is essentially painless and the only drawback is that if someone stops you midway, you are left either brain dead or brain damaged from lack of oxygen. Of course, you won’t care - but that is even less fair to those who love you than killing yourself.
So yeah, like many here, I have done more than thought about it.
But I didn’t do it because it would have hurt those whom I love. And you know what? Things got better, and now I don’t think about it all the time.
Only occasionally now..........
So always remember - no matter how dark it looks, there are those who truly care for you. Do you really want to hurt them that much? The real victims in a suicide are the ones you leave behind, the ones who have to deal with you being gone, the ones who will always blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently. The ones who you will hurt.
There are those who care about you.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
...
Never mind. I need to shut up more...
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU
You matter
Oh dear, this brings out so many emotions.
Like a lot of others here, I have been there.
Try to remember that you matter and that you are allowed to choose yourself to care about and to give attention to. You matter.
I had the choice between ending it all or transitioning.... and so I transitioned and i got help from both professionals and newly acquired friends. Make sure to reach out to people, please?
Anne Margarete
I'm sorry
I'm sorry your life has gone this way. None of us volunteered to be trans. Like so many of us here I went through about two years of each day being a minute by minute struggle to not just end it. It just wears you down over time. My mantra became, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I probably said it to myself a hundred times a day. I'm on the other side of it now and it is better. I've lost about half my family, a career, friends and a number of other things. I've made new friends, moved to a new city, and created new extended family connections. You can do it too.
If the town you're in doesn't work for you see if you can move to one that might. You need other people in your life. There's a lot of them out there but they might not be in your immediate vicinity. My experience has been that the people that knew me before transition have a lot of difficulty being with me but the new people that I've met after transition overwhelmingly treat me just like any other woman. If you can't find someone locally to talk with then talk with people online. There's a lot of us here that have had experiences similar to your own. I hate taking anti-depressants but I did for a few years. They can take the edge off of the pain enough to give you some maneuvering room. I assume you're seeing doctors about your medical conditions. Are you taking the antibiotics for the ulcers? Your medical conditions can be treated.
Your life can be better if you give it a chance and make the necessary changes. Your family will probably never be as close to you as you might like. It hurts to accept that. Other people will be close to you over time. I wish you well during this very difficult time of your life and hope you choose to give yourself a chance to get past this.
Well Said
I can see that Samantha is still checking in. I hope you get a response and an exchange or two because I share your opinions and gave similar advice. We can choose friends but not family.
Daily
I have a letter with me always in my purse. Rope, knife and enough meds to put down an elephant.
The temptation is real, the daily struggle is real.
I just exist there is nothing more. Balanced on the edge of chaos seems to be where I sit. Deep inside me must be a stubborn streak that insists on giving the universe the middle finger.
I will never be right or happy but I equally don't want the universe to win either.
~ChasingSerenity