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The Road To Haifa has made me really introspective.
I'm not finding Eli's reaction to Sarah strange at all. Since the devastation and smoke in my own life has begun to clear, remarks from my siblings, past aquaintances, and an old boss all point to one thing. It was always there right before their eyes; clear to them; unseen by me.
I recently talked to a boss from 5 years ago. What I'd done did not surprise him. A work mate said that he'd always wondered at my vigorous denial that I was gay. I was so afraid; at stake was everything I loved and valued. It is strange how we believe we are hiding something but to others it is clearly visible. As it turned out, as I began to understand, I was not gay at all, but a woman. They saw it; I was terrified; the memory of my true self deeply submerged by interminable brutal conditioning. Yet, the natural grace, and winsome qualities concealed behind a facade of angry, false masculinity; only to peek out during times when my guard was down.
I loved to watch the family at Super Bowl time after the children were all grown. They'd be sitting in the living room shouting and cheering over the senseless brutality the teams unleashed against each other. It all made no sense to me, but I loved to watch them reveling in their happiness. It was during those times; when I was across the bar, in the kitchen, slicing pizza and pouring drinks. I loved to watch them; somehow living vicariously the happiness in their lives in my own. It was during those times, less than a dozen years ago, that she began to determinedly peel at the crysalis surrounding me.
Now most of the pain of the losses is dulled to a barely tolerable level; best to try to think of other things; to make believe it didn't happen. Once in a while the pain returns for a visit; full force; just as paralizing as it was. Finally it is fought back down below the surface. I breathe again; 5 times deeply; knowing that to go down that path again will simply lead to a place that is so dangerous.
At times I want to batter my way into their lives; grab them by the shoulders; despirately shake them; thinking that somehow if I can just face them they will see the love in my eyes; see what was always there and that I am infinitely more suitable to love and encourage them. Yet, deep in my soul, I know that my best efforts are futile unless they are willing and they never will be.
Thank God, that many of you have been smarter than I; still conceal your true selves; trading personal happiness for the care of our loved ones. I curse the darkness that sent me down this path to so much pain for both of us. No one's fault really; perhaps it was inevidable. Too many questions that I can not answer; maybe never will; maybe the answers don't matter.
I'm tired. I just flunked an important test for the second time. I try to blame others for my weakness. Deep inside, I wonder if my brain is growing weak; wonder at the wisdom of choosing this path. I wish I had the time to just sit in a warm tub and bawl for a while. I will take one sleeping pill, rather than the hand full my drama queen would like.
I'm not setting the alarm clock. Maybe the rest will make things seem brighter in the morning.
Thank God for those who truly care for me; please help me to pass it on?
Comments
troubling
I had thought to comment on the death of a parent blog, but even though I wrote a brief story of it, I'm still trying to understand what I feel. Many of your comments/blogs Gwen strike me the same way, but the troubling bit is the seeming shame or perhaps regret that you followed your heart to become as female as possible. That bothers me some.
I know it can be hard and there is a big potential for loss and pain, yet... we all make choices, decided by circumstance and all sorts of variables that get in the way and shape thoughts and realities. I make no judgement of others choices and speak only for myself. If this had happened or that. Had love been real, or a door opened or another closed would I be here like this or would I be here at all? Ultimately I had no choice. I nearly lost the fight a couple of times and I am yet to complete my journey at least in this part of it.
I suppose that even as I understand it at some level I find the admonition to others, do not follow this path, to be self defeating. You are who you are and seemingly a decent person that was a man of sorts and is now a woman. I have no doubt it cost you, but then what did you gain? I hope there is more on the gain side of that line because if not... well that would sadden me greatly. Would you go back if you could? That would seem to me the ultimate defeat, an admission of more than weakness. A statement of bewilderment and pain far beyond gender. Just be Gwen and rejoice at her possibility. You said something about tossing the rearview mirror, do it huh. Don't dwell on past hurts, the future is yours, as it it is all of ours to make of it what we can.
Kristina
I agree with
Kristina.But would add while it is normal to be saddened by your losses how come no anger at the society that encourages those losses? You can could go back but if you did what would be the chances that you'd be any happier? At some level I think your not being fair to yourself and it's causing you unnecessary pain.As for not passing the test is it really that important to you or is it just a crutch to your past.If it's just a crutch to your past find a new test that's for Gwen.Hugs Amy "May your pen never run out of ink and your brain out of ideas"
Me, I Knew That I Was Quite Different
As I grew up, I realized that I was and am unique in my outlook on life. I found that there is a female component to my personality that only after I started reading T.G. stories that I was able to accept myself, but it has been a painful process as I am primarily male.
I have found that in writing my stories that I am able to express my female half. For me, my story Kelly's Journey is my accepting the fact that I am always learning.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
I hate to sound
hard and callous because I'm not, but shouldn't you have sorted some of these issues before you had surgery?
So many people dwell on past problems, or who is to blame for what, rather than focusing on the future and living in the present. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. Look outwards instead of inwards and move forward.
Angharad
Angharad
I feel like I have, somehow, failed you.
I promised to call you to task every so often and I didn't. I can only plead too much happening in my own life as an excuse and beg your forgiveness for my neglect.
I've told you many times Gwen, that I consider you a real friend and a person well worth knowing. I have gleaned, from our conversations, that you are a talented, capable, vibrant, interesting woman. Nothing has happened to change those observations.
Re: the past. The past is a place meant only for one to visit. It is not only impossible to live there, but at it's worst, it can be a deadly place, perhaps a place it's better not to visit at all.
Failure is a mainstay in life and nothing of which to be ashamed. It happens to everyone at one time or another. The thing is, if or when one falls, does that one get back up and try again? If knowing that I believe in you helps Gwen, then please be assured that I do. I've found it relatively easy to make casual friendships. I've found it difficult to make lifelong friendships. I'd love to count you in that latter category and I'd hate to lose that chance through neglect on my part, or disinterest and you not caring enough about yourself.
In our recent conversations you mentioned several things that pointed to an upswing in your life and your view of it. I urge you, very strongly, to concentrate on those things and your future, hon. Leave the past where it is and move on. There is no doubt in my mind that you made the right decision for your own mental health, when you decided to transition. It seems all the doubts are in your mind.
It's time to shed those doubts and get on with what can be a beautiful, fulfilling life, if you'll encourage it. Celebrate your femininity and know you did the right thing for yourself by embracing it. Live it, Gwen. I love you hon.
Soft huggles from,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Happy ending
I beg your tolerance with me. I know that sometimes I get overwraught and emotional, and no matter how hard I try, sometimes it just spills over.
I did get a call from someone at the school this morning and she eventually accnowleged that there had been complaints about the content of that quiz. She walked me through it and I did pass it with only one wrong out of 17 questions. The whole conversation was very validating.
I am extremely grateful for the way this eventually worked out.
Gwen
Dear Gwen,
You have just told us that other people could tell you were not some typical straight male. You've told how you were raised as a girl until your step-father got involved in your life. No one in the straight world thinks of you as anything else than a womyn. When you write such things, we believe you, really! As with almost all of us, it's too bad that you didn't transition earlier, but that's life. You have transitioned now and most of the time it sounds or seems that you are doing well.
Please don't get upset (too much) with what I'm saying next. I and my partner are professional mentally ill people. It's no joke. That's how we earn our living: social security disability. You might guess, correctly, that it's easy for me to see all kinds of behavior thru a lens of possible mental illnesses.
Have you gone to a mental health pro, told your story and asked if you have bipolar disorder (manic depression)? It's silly for me to try and diagnose you on the basis of a few blogs per month, however it may be a possibility. If you have never felt intensely happy and full of energy (manic or hypomanic) possibilities are less. However, I think you might need a check-up.
We've communicated, but I feel sort of like an outsider, I can't say I really know you. Part of that is my own illness; I think I probably misconceive and have some fear of social kinds of stuff. I do like and admire you and I try to give you some support and encouragement. Possibly, some sort of mental heath care would make you feel better, calmer, more satisfied, or/etc.
Good luck and many big hugs,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
In Oregon, I am legally disabled because I am Trans.
As a matter of fact, I have been under care for much of my life since I was about 23; lived through a lot. Had PTSD because childhood was such a picnic. Problem is that I am very stuborn and very smart they say. Some of the people who take care of me seem to think I am their miracle child. I could live my life out on disability pay, but I overheard things being said about me; loser; basket case. It hurt me really badly. Then I got pissed off!
So, I've been on Estrogen for 4 years, not the life time of a normal girl. This shit is something else to get used to and the patches are much more effective than pills. I get emotional and cry sometimes, just like a woman. It's all a lot to deal with. Where any other woman could just call a girl friend and share, I told the only real friends I have; the lovely ladies on BC.
I'm here apparently doing things that I am told that no other transwoman has ever done in the state of Oregon. Actually, it would be instructive to see if any other transwomen are Electricians in this country. Talk about the throne of male machismoisim. If the Electrical Trade is not it, well... It was over 30 years of hiding. In retrospect, the fact that I had a wife and children saved me from credible accusations of being gay. I was very good at the job too. What I am doing now is a lot of stress and I let it get the best of me.
Actually, I have asked my therapists if I was bi polar. They are convinced that I am not and I have to say that if I was, I'd probably be non compliant. My therapist says that I am just very creative and I will always struggle with my personality. I am sorry if my emoting was too much. I will try to find a more private venue in the future. :)
Gwen