So my mind was concentrating on the driving and not on what Carol was talking to Em about. Until I heard Em brightly tell Carol.

“Daddy’s taking Mummy dancing on Saturday, and I’m going too. So is Gramps and Grandma.”

This is the story of Penny. A closet Transwoman thrust into the outside world 24-7 when she would rather go and hide away. Perhaps the title should be Welcome to Penny’s Paranoid World…

From part thirteen
"Look! Big planes. Did Aunty Carol come in one of them?”
She pointed to a row of parked British Airways 737’s and Airbuses parked against Terminal air bridges. Looking around in wonder at the approaching wall of glass that was Terminal five.

And now as they say, read on…
I watched Em as she took everything in. You could feel her excitement as she bounced around the Pod wanting to see everything she could see from the windows. Especially when you remembered minutes ago she was in abject fear of her life as she thought the travel Pods were Daleks about to kill us. But now all thought of Daleks were gone in the excitement of riding in the Pod.

What was more pressing for me at the moment was in her panic she called me Mum again as she tried to pull me to safety. That begs the question. How long before Em or one of the Twins let’s that slip to their father. And how will John react to it. Because then, as they say, ‘The shit will hit the fan,’ and the girls are going to be hurt the most from the fallout. And that is even before he knows about the real me.

Although more pertinent for the moment is how my sister Carol is going to react to seeing me both as a female and apparently with a young daughter in tow by my side, when we meet in the next half hour.

In the terminal Em holds on to me, but equally I am holding on to her. In this vast long corridor that looks like it goes on forever. It would be easy to lose a small seven year old girl in the crowd if you were not careful. This turns out not to be a problem after all as Em took hold of my hand with both hands and I then appeared to be towing her along.

I looked down.

“Are your shoes roller skates?”

“Yep.” Said Em with much concentration. She appeared to be balancing on her heels.

The arrivals hall is vast and very impressive. Ok, I am use to small general aviation terminals, even at big airports, but then I have not been in an air terminal of any kind for it must be ten years now. Things may have changed. The only one I have been in since then has been Waterloo Station Terminus at London when going the QAMC hospital this week.

It is hard to believe, but a fortnight ago all this would have been a fantasy. A fairy tale dream if I had known about it. And if someone had told me what was going to happen, I would have thought them mad. I smiled looking down holding Em’s warm hand in mind.

Although I never got to fly the big jets and only flew a BizJet once. Being here among all this hustle and bustle makes me hanker after being back behind the controls again. I did not realise how much I missed flying before now. Then there is a tug on my hand as Em loses and regains her balance. Glancing down at the concentration on her face makes me realise that as much as I would love to fly again. Flying is nothing compared to hopefully being mother to this little girl and her sisters.

At the arrivals board it shows Carol’s flight is running an hour plus late. Since tailwinds normally decrease the flight times across the Pond to us, I am guessing there was a delayed departure.

“Shall we go and have something to eat while we wait. Aunty Carol is going to be a while.”

Em nodded and we set off around the terminal to both find somewhere to nosh and sit and waste time. A visit to Café Nero for food, followed by the loos and a visit to W H Smiths for a couple of comics to keep Em occupied while we were waiting took up the rest of the time before Carol’s flight landed. Another quick visit to the loos for Em when it had, gave me a chance to check my make-up and when Em was done in the loo, I nipped in with her to check my stockings were still tight, making her giggle.

“Just you wait Missy until you are all grown up and decide to wear stockings,” I said grinning. Making her laugh and giggle all the more. But why I did not wear tights, I’ll never know.

Now we were standing waiting about mid-way along the shiny metal handrail that forms the channel for people leaving customs. Well, we were standing a little way back from the rail. I was suddenly nervous of meeting my sister. Afraid of her reaction. Until now those fears had been kept at bay by my having Em to look after. Causing me to reflect that when I was with Em and the Twins I fell too easily into the role of being their mother. Was it due to my own selfish desires that they looked on me as their mother?

I watched Carol come out pushing a baggage trolley looking tired. I saw her glance along the line of waiting people and saw her eyes pass us by without stopping. And then look further around the people standing further back. I let her come round the barrier and stop. Scanning everyone again. Waiting. Thinking I was not there yet. Expecting to see mother’s wheelchair heading for her.

Oh well, here goes nothing. When she was looking at us again, or rather having glanced at us, was looking past us. I raised my left hand to shoulder height and gave her a little hand wave. Her head moved slightly back to us seeing the movement and I gave her another little wave. Her mouth opened and she just looked stunned at me, and then Em. I bent down to Em.

“There she is. I think she’s tired from the flight. Let’s go get her.”

We started to move to Carol and I wondered what we looked like. A tall blonde haired woman with long hair in a red dress and high-heels, holding hands with a seven year old girl with the same long blonde hair and in a red mini-dress as well.

I smiled, perhaps we were a bit too much of a colour coordinated, mother/daughter combination to hit my sister with straight off a six and a half hour flight from America. Plus however long it took to get to the airport in the first place. I had smiled when Em had come downstairs full of herself from her bedroom at Evie’s having changed into a mini me version of me again in her red dress. John had just smiled trying not to laugh, looking at us both. Evie had laughed and hustled us to stand over by the dresser so she could take photos of us. She already had her camera in hand at the ready. Then the Twins had wanted to be in them as well. So the photo session had taken a while before we sat down to eat.

While Em had been changing I made sure to ask the Twins all about their Brownie camp. They had excitedly told me all about the things they would be going to do in great detail. They wanted me to come with their Father on Wednesday evening when he went to collect them from camp, but I had to remind them they were bring their friends home as well, so that was not possible, but I would see them later on and they could tell me all about it on the Sunday when we all went to the beach hut. I kept a wary eye on John, not sure if I was over stepping the mark in saying this. He did not seem bothered, so I hope it was ok.

“Hello, Sis. How are you.” I let go of Em’s hand and give my wide eyed sister a big hug.

“F-fine,” she stuttered looking at me. “Tired.”

As I stepped back she added. “We left late as they had to fix a problem on the plane before we left. So we sat on board for an hour and a half while they did that. Once we were in the air and the seat belts signs were off there was a mad rush for the loos.”

I bent down to Em who was standing tight against me, her hand round my bum holding on to my dress. I put my arm around her and smiled at her and whispered, “Ready.” Em gave me an unsure shake of the head to say, ‘no’.

“It’ll be ok,” I told her and looked up at Carol.

“And this lovely young lady is Emily. She is Evie’s youngest grand-daughter.”

Carol’s eye flitted between Em and me trying to make the connection between us. Taking in the red dresses and the identical hair, courtesy of Melissa. It must have looked like we planned it that way, just for her. Carol put a warm smile on her face and bent down to Em. Not having a daughter was one of my sister’s biggest regrets in life. Only a medical problem stopped her and Carl from trying again after she had her third child, Carl Junior.

“Hello, Emily. You are very pretty. And that’s a lovely dress you’re wearing.”

“Thank-you, Aunty Carol.” Said Em quietly, keeping tight against me.

Carol held out her hand to Em, and gently shook hands with Em. Then Carol and I stood back up.
My hand moved to Em’s and she took a firm hold of it, and I gave it a little squeeze to reassure her.

“Where’s Mom.”

“Ah, she decided not to come. You lost out to Evie and Johnny’s dog, Patch.”

Carol, tired, nodded.

I added. “She was giving him Rich Tea biscuits when she thought no-one was watching. Thus getting undying love from Patch.”

“Oh, ok, sure.” Carol was trying to understand everything and not understanding much of anything. And probably disappointed Mother had decided not to come. Her eyes were still going from me to Em and back again. Un-answered questions filling her eyes.

“Later.” I said softly to her. “I’ll tell you everything tonight when we get home.”

Carol nodded. “Sure. You better, hun.”

We talked a little about her flight as we made our way to the lifts. What the service was like, who was sat next to her. That sort of thing. With Emily there we could not talk about me becoming, or rather finding out I was more girl than boy. As we went down in the lift and across the covered bridge to the carpark. I saw her out of the corner of my eye making curious glances at me. We turned into the Travel Pod area and I let Em run ahead, since she was in full view of us and no one else was there. So she could press the buttons on the screen to open the Pod doors for us.

“She acts like she’s your daughter.” Carol half whispered to me, and then with a knowing look to me, added. “And you act like her mom.”

At the moment, Carol sounds American. By tomorrow morning she will be sounding more English again. My sister soaks up dialects. When she joined the Navy to train as a nurse. The first time she came home on leave, she had a Brum accent. That’s Birmingham in the west midlands of England, UK. Not any of the ones in America or Australia or Canada. And it’ an awful accent. Sorry people from Birmingham. But it is. Funny thing is, she insists that there was no-one from Birmingham on the course!

“Like I said. I’ll tell you all when we get home and it’s just us. Have to pick-up mother up from Evie’s, first though.”

“Yes. Who is Evie again?”

“She and her husband have the farm just up the road from us. Henry likes to go and snooze in the sun in the court yard outside her kitchen door. I don’t think he wonders all that far now, just commutes between home and Evie’s courtyard depending on where the sun is.”

I tell her about Evie and Trish, and the Twins off away at Brownie camp till Wednesday. About John their father, and that Clair next door is now in New Zealand with her daughter who is in hospital having complications with her pregnancy. Then I stopped talking as we were back with Em waiting at the Pod with the doors open.

Carol grins. “Carl junior is going to be so jealous. He has seen these Pod things on YouTube videos, and wants to come over to England just so he can have a ride in one. Oh, and he wants to stay in a Yotel as well, whatever that is.”

She laughed gently shaking her head thinking about it as we entered the Pod. Em pressed the button to close the doors as soon as we were in. Then pressed the start button as soon as we were sat down. Then she sat down beside me looking pleased with herself, her hand seeking to mine to hold onto. I gave it a gentle squeeze and looked down at her and she smiled back up at me.

I realised then we had gone too far down the mother/daughter road to pull back now and reset our relationship. We had bonded. Whatever happened, I was always going to be her mother now, as far as Em was concerned. The trick was to somehow make John realise I was not a threat to the girls as well.

Carol has a slight frown on her face. Probable thinking that I was playing with fire. Well, I knew that already. Instead of saying anything though, she told us about her journey from her home in Laconia, New Hampshire, to Boston’s Logan international airport.

“I suppose I should not complain. But I was hoping to drive across to be honest, it takes only a couple of hours, but Carl and his friend Hank decided to take me in Hank’s little Lear jet. It only has six seats, its tiny, tiny inside, has no loo, it’s like being stuck in a toilet roll tube, it’s so narrow. Ugh, horrible.”

She shook her head as if to shake the memory out of her. “But at least it kept the boys happy and let them play airline pilot again.”

That’s my sister. The only person I know who would complain about getting a lift in a private jet.

“Did the boys fly down with you as well.” She has three boys.

“Just Carl Junior. He was excited by flying in the little jet. The older boys were blasé about it. They have flown in their Dad’s Panatava P68 so many times on holidays that flying to them is boring.”

At the car with Em installed in her car seat. Carol paused by the front passenger door, to watch me go round to the driver’s side.

“You know, Sis. You are beautiful. Have you got a painting of yourself hidden away in the loft getting old?” She grinned at me as I laughed at the idea of being though beautiful.

She grinned. “And all that long blonde hair.”

And she made the sick gesture with her fingers in her mouth and laughed her eyes sparkling with fun. That is the sister I know. Then she looked at me lost in thought for a moment, and smiled wistfully and said quietly, “Just as I remember you were.”

What! I think I did a double take looking back at her, but she was already slipping down into her seat. I quickly dropped down into mine and looked over at her before closing my door. But she said no more about it and started talking to Em.

It was dark as we left the carpark and headed for the M25 motorway going south. Always busy, never short on traffic whatever time of day. If it was too busy. Once we were further round I would pull off and go cross country. It would be quicker in the end and still be using main roads. So my mind was concentrating on the driving and not on what Carol was talking to Em about. Until I heard Em brightly tell Carol.

“Daddy’s taking Mummy dancing on Saturday, and I’m going too. So is Gramps and Grandma.”

“Really.”

“Yes. Cus Mummy’s forgotten her memory. And Daddy has to woo her again.”

What! Em said this with all the innocence of a seven year old.

Give me my due, I didn’t crash the car. But I could feel my chest, neck and face burning up all the same as I knew my sister would be watching me.

“Real-lly.” Said Carol slowly. “Are you looking forward to the dance.”

“Oh yes.” Em said, warming to the subject. “Daddy will kiss Mummy and everything will be alright.”

I could feel Carol’s eyes boring into me. And there was no chance she was going to think Em was talking about someone else. Thank-god the twins were not going to be there. I think they would be directing proceedings if they were. Those two are very hands on.

“It’s going to be like the sixties when they were young.” Em continues. “With old records from a museum, Lizzy said with Sid Naturta. He flew to the moon. And someone called Beatlhills.” Em proudly tells us.

“So it’s going to be fun, then.” I can hear the amusement in my sister's voice.

“Oh yes. I’m going to dance with mummy and daddy.”

I was glad I was driving and Carol could not ask me any questions with Em in the car. But, oh boy was I going to get them later on. With luck she would have so many questions, that she would forget some of them. Hopefully most of them.

I had forgotten about the dance. I do not actually think I said I was going. Although as far as Em and I guess everybody else is concerned, they thought I was.

Both my girls were tired and thankfully they fell asleep as we travelled on roads away from the M25 in the darkness. It was like old times when Carol was a naval nurse. When she went to a new base after leave. I would drive her and mother there with her trunk and anything else she wanted to take with her in the boot. Then on the way home mother would fall asleep feeling guilty for not keeping awake to keep me company. Even though I always told her I did not mind. I have always found driving in the dark enjoyable.

It gave me time to think of the mess I was in. which seemed to get worse with every minute of the day at the moment.

I woke Carol when we were about ten minutes from home, or in this case. Apple Tree Farm. Evie’s home, so we could drop off one tired little girl and collect another one and her wheelchair.

After I pulled up outside. I got a sleepy Em out with her arms wrapped around my neck. As soon as I had pulled her out of the car her legs went round my hips and she settled back down to sleep with her head resting on my shoulder. The hard work done, the front door opened and Evie, John and Johnny came out to greet us and welcome Carol.

“Here, let me.” John went to take Em from me.

But she grizzled and held on tighter round my neck like last time, thwarting her father’s attempts to take her from me.

“Why don’t you take her up to bed, Penny?” Evie had turned from greeting Carol to us. “John, why don’t you stay the night. Then if she sleeps in, you and dad can get on with your work. Without having to wait or wake her up to bring her down here.”

We go inside with Carol watching the three of us. I did not fancy carrying Em up around Evie’s narrow Farmhouse staircase in five inch heels. So I kicked them off and lent against the wall getting my ankles use to being back on terra-firma again before tackling the stairs. Looking at John I saw him grinning.

“What?”

“Oh, sorry Penny. It’s just that Suzy use to do same thing, kicking off her heels when holding the twins after being out. Said she would fall flat back on her bum if she didn’t.”

I grinned. “She was right, too.”

I turned to the stairs and started up them. “You coming up behind us.”

“Yep. I got your arse covered.”

Before I could reply to that. A sleepy Em must have opened her eyes.

“Hi Daddy.” A sleepy little voice murmured.

Downstairs, I could hear mother had discovered Carol was here.

“Oh my, oh my darling. I must be dreaming. You’re not here. I must be dreaming. But it’s a lovely dream.”

“I am, I am here, Mom.”

“Oh, oh, oh.” I could hear mother staring to cry, pleased just beginning to understand Carol was here.

I sat down on Em’s bed in the girl’s bedroom. Evie had left her nighty out ready.

“You hold her and I’ll undress her.” John said. “This is a lot easier with two of us, isn’t it.” He added.

I had not intended to stay in the bedroom really, but with Em sat firmly in my lap facing me. We soon had her undressed and her nighty on, and tucked up in bed. She was fast asleep as soon as she settled down.

As we went downstairs John asked if she had behaved herself. Perfectly I told him.

“For such a slim little girl. You wouldn’t think she could be so heavy, would you.” John said. “How are your arms.”

“Fine, thanks.” I slipped my heels back on and saw him watching me. “Don’t want to get cramp again.” I said with a smile.

“Well, you can always call on me. If that happens.” He said with a grin.

Good job Carol did not hear that. More questions I would not want to answer.

The kitchen was empty. So we moved to the sitting room, where Evie was showing Carol the video from when we went to the Beach Hut. They were watching me playing Frisbee with the girls on the beach. The only unoccupied seats, were on the sofa. John and I sat down side by side. Carol looked over to me and mouthed ‘Wearing a bikini.’ Then nodded to the tv screen still looking at me, as if to say, ‘what an interesting conversation we are going to have when we get home’.

I needed to talk to Evie about what that little girl has said today. Both to my sister and to me before then, but did not get the chance at the farmhouse. I will have to ring her tomorrow morning before Carol gets up. With luck she will sleep in. Evie had nipped down and put the heating on for me, so the bungalow was nice and warm.

After I had taken a protesting Mother to the loo, she settled down in her chair and was soon fast asleep almost as quickly as Em had been. Carol came into the sitting room already in her pyjamas.

“I have so many questions for you that I can’t think straight. So I’ll just ring Carl to let him know all is ok, if that alright. And then I am going to bed. But in the morning, girl. Lots of questions coming your way.”
She did the cheek to cheek thing. Never done that before with me. I wished her good-night. And went into the kitchen and made a cup of tea.

Carol always asks if she can ring Home in New Hampshire. I have told her she does not need to ask, but she always does. There was a quiet meow beside me and Henry jumped up for a stroke and a fuss and a bedtime snack. I got his favourite dry food out and he was soon crunching away.

I took my tea into the sitting room and saw mother sleeping with a happy smile on her face. In the morning she will tell me she had a lovely dream. She dreamt Carol was here. When I tell her she is, she will be excited all over again. Henry comes and jumps up into my lap and settles down, purring. There is something nice about sitting here drinking my tea with a cat in my lap in just the warm glow of the night light.

To be continued…